I was thinking this morning after my walk how we aren't really living a meaningful life if we never stop to contemplate it and enjoy, LOVE, whatever moment we are in, no matter how difficult.
When I was the mother of many littles-babies who stay up all night, or toddlers that wake at the crack of dawn, I never really was very successful at carving out time for myself to just stop and journal and enjoy. There was always a need, something to be done, a list of things that were necessary for doing a good job at my mission-the mission of motherhood, being the keeper of the home and our life here.
But when I am really honest, and we all need to be, there were so many unnecessary distractions-distractions every single human is vulnerable to. But it's a catch-22. Because if you stop and think, and spend that time in the present moment, thinking about the purpose of life, and enjoying that stage, it is so much easier to not allow those distractions into our lives.
Distractions-what others have, and what I want, and ways to be "successful" and if she can do it why can't I, and this is hard, I'm not doing a great job, and things have to look a certain way now, and in the future I want, and in the past I wish, and in 6 months it will get harder, or easier, or I want this much money, or let's set this goal to have, and I want to make this look like this, and I am willing to waste money doing so, even if it's just a farce of illusion from a magazine or a blog or what someone else has accomplished. I want to be this thin, why can't I, and start a new system of doing this or that, read this blog and I'm doing it all wrong and why aren't we like that family, or that other one.
I can go on and on.
It's the constant bombardment from our society-a culture we choose to torture ourselves with-that robs of us real joy.
It's the crazy expectations that are all wrong, are the opposite of what life is about.
It's not settling in. It's not presence. It's not gratitude really, or at the least it's definitely not contentment with here and now. And that takes work, everyday and is the ONE THING that will completely change our lives as mothers.
I had a million and one excuses to not fit that daily prayer/contemplation/journaling/meditation/quietness into my life.
And not ONE excuse is or was or will be ever valid.
So if I can tell you all one thing-if there is any younger mothers out there still reading, this time set aside every day will change your life more than anything. It really is what you are seeking, not any of that distracting junk.
If you can step back and look at the big picture of the incredible life you are leading, the enormous job you are doing every day, and just be content with it all, you will find a peace within you, that blesses your home more than anything else could.
Showing posts with label motherhood. Show all posts
Showing posts with label motherhood. Show all posts
8/16/19
11/10/15
Things I'd Do Differently, The Little Years
One of the gifts of having children spread out in age (there are eighteen years between my oldest and youngest) is the gift of perspective-that thing that shows you what really matters and what doesn't at all. The difference-makers, let's say, although that sounds awfully serious.
If I could do anything different as a young mother with my first three (who are now 21,19, and 16) what would I do? Seven things:
1. I'd worry less about what I was "doing wrong" in the sleep department. Oh, I thought I had messed it up so badly, and was told if only I could let them cry it out, they'd sleep twelve hours at night like "all the other babies" I imagined were. If only I hadn't let them fall asleep while nursing, I could set them in a crib and walk away. Yes, I bet life is much easier if babies just plop down to sleep, but my babies didn't work this way. And who cares? When they were old enough (maybe one or two or three depending on the child) they all were great sleepers. I wish I just would have not felt for one moment like I was doing something wrong because we were doing fine-I was a nursing mom with babies who needed to eat a lot and who liked to be close to me. I learned to just embrace what I had to do to get them to sleep whatever that was for each of them, and know soon enough things would get easier. Once I did that it stopped being a "problem" and I could enjoy them so much more. (And I also discovered that one day I would yelling from the bottom of the stairs, at those same babies, now teens, "Get up! You've been sleeping for fifteen hours straight for God's sake!" :)
2. I was never comfortable leaving my babies and small toddlers with babysitters, and again I felt like I must be "doing something wrong" by not wanting to do, or being able, to do this. I second guessed myself-was I being too protective and making them dependent, by never leaving them for evenings or weekends? Now I know that's ridiculous. I don't leave my babies or toddlers, it's just too stressful for me. I tossed the pump that I hardly used anyway, after my third. I do what is comfortable for me, and what works for my little ones, with no second-guessing now. On a side note, I was talking with another mom the other day about this subject and she said, "One of my biggest regrets is that I stopped nursing my baby because of a wedding I felt pressured to attend that was out-of-town! Now I'd say "No, sorry, can't go!" in a heartbeat. What in the world was I thinking?" This leads well into:
3. I'd give myself more credit for all I was doing and not compare myself with all everyone else was doing. I would simplify, simplify, simplify everything, to have more time for the important stuff. I would know that nursing a baby, raising babies and toddlers, being pregnant with babies while raising toddlers -it's all hard work and it's okay to say no, no, no to everything else without feeling like I need some elaborate excuse. Being a peaceful, unstressed, unhurried mother is more important than any event or obligation.
4. I wish I would have read even more to them. I don't think you can ever ever read too much to your kids! If you want the special secret on how to have really smart kids, turn off the TV, don't let them lay eyes on video/computer games ever and read, read, read. It's not one bit more complicated than that.
6. I'd put less pressure on myself to lose weight after a baby, it's embarrassing to say that I even did that, but I did. Ridiculous.
7. I'd spend less time waiting for my life to "get easier" when this or that or the other happens, and just love whatever stage of life I'm in. I'd spend less time looking for the next milestone in my baby's life (it's not a race) and just savor and really appreciate whatever stage of life they are in.
9/30/15
The Impact of Attitude on Motherhood
Lately I've been thinking so much about how this quote applies to motherhood, and how our attitude shapes our children's lives and our experiences as mother.
Our children don't have a choice about how they are cared for, but we have a choice when we become mothers about how we are going to embrace our new role. We have a choice about our attitude towards motherhood and that attitude will make our life and our children's life and our spouse's life stressful or wonderful. Over the last twenty one years of parenting, I've observed many different attitudes towards mothering and I think attitude truly is more important than circumstance, money, giftedness, skill, education, or appearance as it can make or break a family.
Our children don't have a choice about how they are cared for, but we have a choice when we become mothers about how we are going to embrace our new role. We have a choice about our attitude towards motherhood and that attitude will make our life and our children's life and our spouse's life stressful or wonderful. Over the last twenty one years of parenting, I've observed many different attitudes towards mothering and I think attitude truly is more important than circumstance, money, giftedness, skill, education, or appearance as it can make or break a family.
By definition attitude means "a settled way of thinking or feeling about someone or something, typically reflected in a person's behavior". I think in this day and age we must be purposeful in cultivating a good attitude through our thoughts and feelings about motherhood as our culture today doesn't send messages that support us.
We've been told, unlike past generations of mothers, that in so many ways raising children can put a cramp in our style, make daily living inconvenient, ruin our careers, drain our finances, and surely we have better, worthier, things to do with our time, energy and talents. We are expected to have and do everything all at once-we are bombarded with materialism and live a faster-paced life then years ago, the opposite of a "settled way" of being. When we realize this way of life is lie, that it is impossible to have and do all, it can easily allow resentment to build. If we expect our children to fit in on the sidelines of our life, and when we demand that they to conform to that lifestyle, they retaliate by being unenjoyable and needy, and we throw up our hands in frustration. Or maybe it's just simply the posturing trend today towards comedic sarcasm and self-pity-a "these darn kids" eye-rolling stance-that can permeate our way of viewing of parenthood if we allow it.
We've been told, unlike past generations of mothers, that in so many ways raising children can put a cramp in our style, make daily living inconvenient, ruin our careers, drain our finances, and surely we have better, worthier, things to do with our time, energy and talents. We are expected to have and do everything all at once-we are bombarded with materialism and live a faster-paced life then years ago, the opposite of a "settled way" of being. When we realize this way of life is lie, that it is impossible to have and do all, it can easily allow resentment to build. If we expect our children to fit in on the sidelines of our life, and when we demand that they to conform to that lifestyle, they retaliate by being unenjoyable and needy, and we throw up our hands in frustration. Or maybe it's just simply the posturing trend today towards comedic sarcasm and self-pity-a "these darn kids" eye-rolling stance-that can permeate our way of viewing of parenthood if we allow it.
I've had times in my life when I had to remind myself to find some time to step back and take the time to switch my brain from heading down the wrong attitude path. I have attempted to jot down some of the things that have helped me over the years, and some of the characteristics and lifestyles of fabulous mothers I have observed over the years who have maintained a beautiful attitude towards motherhood and family life.
I think cultivating a beautiful attitude towards motherhood means truly surrendering ourselves with a purposeful attitude of gratitude towards our new role. By that I mean, allowing ourselves to fall in love with our babies, letting ourselves be reformed into something new and start on a brave new learning journey of reshaping our old lives to build a joyous family life together. It requires letting go of keeping up, shaping up, showing off, moving up, getting away, going out like we did before we became responsible for another's life and it requires giving our energy to something far more important than worldly desires-the child we brought into this world.
Our attitude really comes down to embracing and accepting hard work because motherhood requires this during all stages of parenting. "Work is love made visible" says a famous philosopher. We must find a way to make this hard work enjoyable and if not, to just do it, knowing we will bear the fruits of our labor. Sometimes it helps just to expect that we will always be required to do hard work and stretch ourselves beyond what is comfortable at all stages of our children's development. We must know and trust that nothing in this world is more more worthy than our service. It is okay for us to serve our families-sometimes serving them means showing them how they can help us, and other times it means just that-doing the work that is needed to care for our families.
It comes down to developing a tender connection and a deep bond-knowing mother is important and irreplaceable, and that which there is no substitute-which takes the gift of time given freely, and sacrifice for many years. We must change our lifestyle so that our babies and children are able to flourish and thrive, and we accept that it's not just about what is best for us anymore.
It comes down to guarding our hearts carefully every day-by that I mean rejecting the sarcastic attitude that makes parenthood seem like a long tortuous journey of interrupted sleep and sticky fingers and too long summer breaks. There's a child on the other side of that sarcasm wondering why he's thought of as a curse instead of a blessing. We must attempt to avoid this attitude like we would avoid the co-worker who constantly zaps everyone's day with her complaining negativity and pessimism. We must choose carefully who we spend our time with as mothers and what we allow to creep into our brains. Attitudes are catching. We must search out positive affirming messages about motherhood. We must find what fills us up, not what tears us down.
"I get to do this" is a phrase that changes every task from a bother to a blessing. Whether it be to rock a crying baby in the moonlight, soothe a frustrated toddler, help a slow learner with homework, or stay up late talking to a moody teenager, we must recognize that there are many fellow women whose hearts break daily because they desperately want to be given the gift of motherhood and some that have had it ripped away from them.
I've told the story before of a young mom who lost her toddler in a terrible accident while on vacation-she had said that before she left she was mad about the hand prints left over the newly washed windows and walls that gave her one more thing to do during the hectic time before the trip, and how when she came home without her daughter she searched everywhere to find just one beautiful, precious hand print to treasure. She shared this story to say, stop, slow down, strive to be grateful.
I have had a friend who had to work for the first year of her daughter's life tell me through tears that she had an acquaintance who complained to her constantly about how difficult her days home with her children-"warning" her against her desire to be home. But my friend cried often when she pulled out of her driveway to go to work, wondering how she could desire so badly what someone else took for granted-somehow that made it hurt more. Finally the day came when she was able to be home and she rejoices every morning when she doesn't have to rush off and appreciates being the one to see her children change and grow and learn all day long, and says she soaks it all up, thanks God for the opportunity, even if it is indeed hard work. "I get to do this" is her attitude-an attitude of appreciation and thanksgiving.
Each of our children is a wonderful blessing from God and we are being entrusted with this little being to raise-and receive joy and love and affection that will never be found elsewhere in that process. It comes down to reminding ourselves to possess overwhelming gratitude towards the gift of being able to raise a child, and to do that we must slow down and unwrap that gift daily with care.
I've told the story before of a young mom who lost her toddler in a terrible accident while on vacation-she had said that before she left she was mad about the hand prints left over the newly washed windows and walls that gave her one more thing to do during the hectic time before the trip, and how when she came home without her daughter she searched everywhere to find just one beautiful, precious hand print to treasure. She shared this story to say, stop, slow down, strive to be grateful.
I have had a friend who had to work for the first year of her daughter's life tell me through tears that she had an acquaintance who complained to her constantly about how difficult her days home with her children-"warning" her against her desire to be home. But my friend cried often when she pulled out of her driveway to go to work, wondering how she could desire so badly what someone else took for granted-somehow that made it hurt more. Finally the day came when she was able to be home and she rejoices every morning when she doesn't have to rush off and appreciates being the one to see her children change and grow and learn all day long, and says she soaks it all up, thanks God for the opportunity, even if it is indeed hard work. "I get to do this" is her attitude-an attitude of appreciation and thanksgiving.
Each of our children is a wonderful blessing from God and we are being entrusted with this little being to raise-and receive joy and love and affection that will never be found elsewhere in that process. It comes down to reminding ourselves to possess overwhelming gratitude towards the gift of being able to raise a child, and to do that we must slow down and unwrap that gift daily with care.
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