Carded

OMG, I almost had a nervous breakdown at the Hallmark store this week.   For some reason I am the only person in my family who buys greeting cards for other people. Which is sort of inexplicable because I am the person who cares about cards the least.  I mean, I seriously don’t care if you just Paypal me $20 instead of sending me a card.  I’m sorry. I know it’s unAmerican.

But my mother-in-law loves greeting cards, so in anticipation of her and my father-in-law’s anniversary, I headed to the local Hallmark store.  It’s located at Rockefeller Center and confuses me a little bit. Because the people who work there are nice and helpful, so obviously they’re some kind of an Al Quaeda front.  Remind me to report them when I’m done with this nonsense.

So I go to the Anniversary section and there are all these cards that I can’t even believe. “To My Wife, To My Queen!” some scream.  Others imply that the love that the card giver is presenting to her husband is monitored by angels. 

I don’t know.  I float past those and settle on the generic “Happy Anniversary” cards.  But then I don’t want it to be too generic, because my in-laws have been married for 55 years, so I’d like some pizazz. 

But all the pizazzy cards say things like  wishing you many years of wonderful memories together, which is totally the kind of crap that I can get behind, except my in-laws are in their 80s, and I don’t want them to think that I’m being sarcastic.

So then, I’m just overwhelmed.  So I call Mama.  And I tell Mama that the anniversary is coming up and she becomes very animated and says “thank you for telling me, I will get card!” and I say, “calm yourself, Mama, I am already one step ahead of you. At the Hallmark store.  And I will buy you a card if you want.”  And she is so, so grateful to me and I bask in my own heroism, until I realize, “asshole, now you have to find two cards that say something non-sarcastic and non-ridiculous.” 

So I ask Mama for advice, but Mama has her own problems.  Because she went birthday card shopping recently for her niece who lives in Russia, and all the choices were along the lines of “sex joke or weight joke and very inappropriate, like all America is obsessed with sex and weight.” Mama had a hard time deciding and finally settled on a card that showed flowers, roses which you can’t go wrong with. Apparently this recent trauma is still too fresh in Mama’s mind and she is totally useless as the Anniversary card adviser.

So I’m cardless. And I’m this close to asking the Al Queda operatives for advice on which card to get, but I don’t want to be that person. You know, the person who’s so dependent on foreign and terrorist aid that she can’t select a card. So I pick them out myself. They’re a little more bland and have a little less pizazz (by the way, how come I’ve never noticed that pizzas and pizazz are practically the same word?) but I think they get the message across.

I’m so glad that we’re starting a three day weekend, because I’m exhausted.

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Please visit my friend Annie today, as she marks an important anniversary. My thoughts are with her. I’m in awe of her strength.

One year ago ...

• I Love My Husband - 2012