Yom Kippur

This Friday night will begin Yom Kippur. It's one of the most intense days in the Jewish year, where we fast and pray and think over the past year and how we want to do better in the coming year. Since I tend to feel sick when I fast, I usually stay home more than go to synagogue during the day, but I try to go for a few minutes at least if only so I can hear the songs.

I can read all the articles in the world (and I think this one is beautiful) but nothing gets me in the spirit as much as the haunting tunes I've heard on Yom Kippur every year.

This video below is a beautiful take on a classic Yom Kippur prayer--check it out.



So until Friday, I'll be trying to think deeply, ask for forgiveness from others, and do as much good as I can.

What is one thing YOU would want to change this year?

Guilt.

Guilt.

It's a heavy word. And honestly, I think it's the companion of most working mothers (or maybe all mothers? Not sure about that one).

On one hand, I need to work for financial reasons, and I love the fulfillment, intellectual stimulation, socializing, and growth I get at work. I've always been the type to want structure, and I like that work gives a framework to my week.

On the other hand, time is short and babies grow up SO fast. I worry that I'm missing the essence of my time with her, and that I won't realize that until it's too late.

Sometimes I fantasize about being home all day, about long mornings spent reading books and drinking hot cocoa while the rain pours outside, and afternoons occupied with cooking and baking and (finally) putting up those living room curtains.

But then I remind myself, I don't think ANYONE's life is like that. At least not all the time:)

And other times, I think, "I'm glad I'm not at home full time. I would get lonely and depressed and wonder how to fill my hours." And that's not 100% true either.

That's the tough thing about this life we are given--you only get one shot, and you have to figure it out as you go. I hope I'm making the right decisions. I hope I'm doing what's best for me, for her, and for our family in general. My life is happy and good and full of things I love--but sometimes I still wonder if I've gotten it right.

Tell me, am I the only one? Do YOU struggle with guilt in the decisions you make?

No Words.

"It is better to light a candle than to curse the darkness."

--Eleanor Roosevelt

That is what they say, but it can be so hard to do. I can't stop watching the coverage of the school shooting, can't stop feeling the horror of what happened. It's funny how this world can seem so safe and ordinary and so incomprehensible in the same day.

So I will try to love my family, my husband, and my tiny baby, and love each day that I am lucky enough to have. And cry for the families who have so much darkness to wade through.

Thoughts

I was going to post something light, and bright, and happy today.

But I can't stop thinking about those children. My heart is aching for their families, for the light that has left this world because they are gone.

Jewish tradition teaches that one person is a whole world. twenty-seven worlds have been lost this week.

My heart

I tried to write a light post today (I have so many layouts I finally photographed that I can't wait to share!) but my heart is just not in it.

My heart is far away at the moment. Thousands of miles away.

There are people posting all over facebook, twitter, and the news about the politics involved in the current crisis in Israel.

But I don't want to write about that. Because Israel, for me, is one hundred percent personal, not political. It's a matter of the heart.  Israel is part of my family and in my blood. When good things happen to it, I'm thrilled. When it's under attack, I want to be there myself to be part of it. And the world rises against it, I just want to protect it.  It's the same thing I would do for my own child.

So today, my heart is strained under the sirens and news stories and the lack of understanding. Shabbos is almost here, so I'm looking to find some joy to welcome it. I know this weekend will be filled with so many prayers.

What's on YOUR heart today?

A note on Tisha B'av

Today is Tisha B'av--the saddest day of the year in the Jewish calendar. I wrote about it last year here.

Tisha B'av is a hard day because it demands that I stare the truth in the face--that I am mortal, my beloved husband is do, and--hardest of all--my sweet baby girl.  It is a terrifying reminder to take nothing for granted, because in exile, nothing is guaranteed. This is the day each year when I force myself to look at things I'd rather pretend didn't exist, things that will make me sad.

I spent a lot of time this year thinking about the story of this beautiful girl:

which you can read all about on her parent's blog right here. I had been afraid to look too much, because truthfully, their reality is my worst nightmare. Last night, as I read through blog posts and pored over videos of Ayelet happy, laughing hysterically just like my Ellie did on Friday, my heart broke.  But as I think about it today, maybe our hearts need to be broken, just a little bit. Otherwise, we'll leave the bereaved all alone, because their pain scares us too much. And we'll live in the world unaware of just how fragile everything is, and consequently just how beautiful.

So today, I'm pausing my everyday life, ignoring the unpacked boxes and the packed calendar and all the little details that can distract me. I'm thinking about Ayelet, and about what really matters.

When your heart is Broken (thinking about infertility)

If you haven't yet, please read this article. I wish I had it to pass around when I was going through infertility.  Reading it took me right back to what that time felt like,and reminded me what comments were comforting and what were painful to hear.  And the whole don't-tell-me-to-just-relax thing? AMEN.

One of the toughest adjustments I had to make in my pregnancy was to figure out how to relate to my "infertility buddies"--to back off? to offer support? to explain what worked for me in a helpful way, but not a boastful way? to not mention the baby at all? I still don't exactly know how to navigate this.  If you know me and we discuss this issue, please don't be afraid to tell me what you need, and what helps or hurts you. Because I would never, ever want to add to your pain.

I shared this layout a long time ago, but I pulled it out again today because it's all there. The pain and the bitterness and the longing of those days, the sadness each and every month.

Are you going through infertility? If so, what would YOU add to this article? And if you love someone going through this, how do YOU handle it?

On Motherhood

I'm guest blogging today over at Mama Loves Papa, and the topic is new motherhood.

Here's a peek at my post:

I read an article once that sums up how I feel about being a new mother. I was a great mother, it said. And then I had a baby.

Go here to read the rest. And come back and tell me what you think! (This is my first guest posting gig, and I'm a bit nervous!)

Scrappy Sunday--He is Good

Today I have an older layout to share with y'all. I created this layout back in May (I wish I had the exact date). This was one of the lowest points for me in my infertility experience--after an awful disappointment in the previous cycle, I was trying a treatment plan one last time before moving on to the "big guns." I was scared, and frustrated, and to be honest, angry.

One day during that month I felt peaceful. I felt suddenly sure that G-d was with me, that things would work out in the end, and that He would give me the strength I needed to get to that point. I created this layout on that day, to keep my spirits up when my sense of security faded. I used happy colors (my favorite Studio Calico kit of all time, Lawn Party), and created this layout, which may not win any design awards, but which I will always love. The gray background felt calming to me, exactly how I wanted the layout to feel.

I wrote journaling that meant something to me, and creating the layout just made me happy.

I had no idea that this was the month I would get pregnant. I would not find out the news until several weeks later in June, but it was in May of 2011 that my miracle finally came.

Months later, I decided the layout deserved a repeat. I used the same title, and put together a design that made me happy.

I love that my album now has a visual recording of how life can change in such momentous ways. That's one of the best things about this hobby, isn't it?

Don't be afraid to scrapbook the sad stuff--because one day, when things turn around, it will always remind you of how lucky you are, and how quickly life can change for the better.

One of the hardest aspects of infertility is how isolating it can be. According to Resolve (a great IF resource, by the way), 1 out of 8 couples in the world experience infertility. Yet it still feels so lonely.

I know that many of you have been down this road, and still more of you are waiting for your day to come. If you have an infertility story you feel comfortable sharing, please leave it in a comment or link me up to your blog (I will post links in a future post). You'd be surprised how much sharing YOUR story can help others.

Wishing you a happy Sunday, everyone, with lots of dreams come true.

A note on the giveaway--we have a new winner for Box #2! It is.......Tiffany Davis! Shoot me an email and I will get your package out to you:)

Tiffany DavisJan 21, 2012 06:36 PM

Yay! I've followed your blog for almost a year now. tiffanydenisedavis@gmail.com. :)

Festival of Lights

Well, Chanuka is a bit more than halfway over (I always get a little nostalgic when both sides of the menorah have candles), but I have a Chanuka post to share anyway.

For my Write. Click. Scrapbook project this month, I whipped up a little Chanuka decor.

I had fun creating the banner--I used blue and white (Chanuka colors), but added in some yellow and ledger to give it a lighter, more vintage feel. And because I can always use some ledger.

If you'll notice, this menorah is actually a leaning menorah, and therefore can't be used for candlelighting (all the candles are supposed to be level), but it does look pretty. I always wish I could just bend it a bit the other way!

A few Chanuka candles add some color....

I created this centerpiece using a sticker from Crafting Jewish Style--a great source for Jewish holiday-themed scrapbooking projects. (PS--I don't get money from CJS, I just like the products and people. Disclaimer over:))

Here are some fun Chanuka links around the scrappy web:

• Some fun Chanuka crafts and giveaways at CJS

• Chanuka scrapbook pages over at Scrapbooks, Etc.

• And a cute Chanuka take on the holiday cookie exchange

If you find any other fun projects, please link me up and I'm happy to add them here!

And before I go, I want to take a minute to think about the actual meaning of Chanuka. Amid the great food (latkes and jelly doughnuts, oh my! Although not too diabetic-friendly, so boo to that!) and fun menorah lighting and songs, I have to remind myself to step back and get to the point of it all.

The Chanuka story is about a battle between the Jews and Greeks, who were trying to prohibit the practice of Judaism. It celebrates that element of being Jewish that involves being different, doing something other the rest of the world, which is not hard to relate to during to the Christmas season. Being different isn't easy--it wasn't when I was the only kid with a dreidel taped to my desk in 4th grade, and it isn't always a comfortable feeling now. But it's part of our story, and so important. For a fun take on the rest of the Chanuka story, check out the classic Maccabeats video:)

And of course, the ultimate miracle of Chanuka is the oil that lasted for eight days and eight nights. As I said in my earlier post, I'm so in awe of the miracle of my own this year--I look down and just can't believe that after all the treatments, it finally worked. I still have to pinch myself sometimes.

What's been YOUR greatest miracle this season?

Blog Your Heart

I'm linking up with Stephanie today for her Blog Your Heart challenge! If you joined in, too, let me know--I love reading honest posts on blogs.

1. Life has been hard to juggle lately. Between work, weekly monitoring appointments for bunny, catching up on scrapbook assignments after the holidays, emails, etc, sometimes I feel like I have to schedule in breathing. I would joke about scheduling in washing my hair, but I actually do that:)

2. And then, just when life seemed to calm down a teensy bit over the weekend, a new whammy today--my first ever traffic ticket. And unlike bunny's future firsts, I do not plan on keeping the stub and scrapbooking it. This is one memory best left forgotten, I think. Unless there was some meaningful lesson to be learned from it, which there probably is, but I'm way to close to see it. Right now, all's I know is that cops in New Jersey are A LOT less friendly then they were in Ohio. Seriously people.

3. Bunny isn't even here yet, and Mommy guilt has already set in big time. Definitely going to need to work on that, or it will be a long 18 years (or more).

4. I talk about this a lot on these posts, but it really can be hard to find passion in the everyday. I love my regular routine and have been settling in to a good one at work. But still, sometimes it seems the day goes by so fast with so many mundane things to attend to, and I want to grab on to it more (with the exception of this traffic ticket day--I can let go of this one!)

5. I cannot BELIEVE that in only 3 months, we'll entering the "any day now" stage of this pregnancy. Which probably means I should stop buying materntiy clothes, but that's besides the point! A part of me is so unbelievably excited to meet this little baby, but a part of me is also strangely sad to be almost past this stage of excitement and anticipation. Life just moves so, so quickly.

And there's my brain dump for today:) What's going on in YOUR world this afternoon?

Forever Grateful

I pretty much squealed when I opened up my package from Elle's Studio to discover the Forever Grateful project kit. It's chock-full of unique and creative supplies, designed by the awesome Jenni Hufford, and still available for purchase!

And the best part? Elle created tags specifically to fit in the printer's tray. How cool is that?

Here are some close-ups of my take on the project:

Since I'm still so in love with the photos Alexis Hardy took of us last fall, I decided to feature those on my tray, along with a few other favorite "couple photos." I'm thinking of displaying it in Bunny's room (when Bunny actually has a room that is, which won't be for a little while!)

I had so, so much fun making this. I also love that it reminds me how happy I am in my little family. And speaking of that little family, Bunny is doing well as per our last appointment! There is still one thing we need to monitor, but thankfully it's nothing to worry much about. All of the stress this week though, plus finding out the gender, really made my love for Bunny grow in leaps and bounds. I'll probably be one of those moms who cries hysterically during preschool graduation at the rate I'm going:)

And in case you thought the Jewish holiday bonanza was over, think again! This Wednesday begins Sukkot! I have always contended that if any Jewish holiday needs a PR team, it's this one, so here's my very-very-fast attempt to explain this holiday.

On Sukkot we celebrate our time with G-d when He took us out of Egypt and we lived in the desert. To bring back that "trusting G-d in the desert" theme, we eat our meals in huts like this:

Although unfortunately, weather.com is predicting lots of rain, so we'll probably eat most of our meals in a regular dining room. But here's hoping!

We also use a lulav and esrog, shake them around, and say a blessing. A lulav looks like a collection of leaves and an esrog is a sort of lemony-fruit. They look like this (see below) and each item represents a different approach to living and relating to G-d.

I want to explain more about the deeper meaning of Sukkos, but I'm running out of time at the moment. Luckily though, the holiday continues to next week so I can share more then! In the meantime, if you're curious, Aish has some great basic information about Sukkos right here.

Coming up is another three-day holiday, so that means three full days with no internet, TV, radio, etc. It's actually quite lovely but definitely involves being very organized beforehand! Between holiday prep and obsessing about baby names (anyone else do that?), life has been keeping me busy.

And while we're on the holiday topic, what's one fun/weird family or religious ritual YOU celebrate?

Recalculating.....

Tonight is Yom Kippur, aka the "Day of Atonement" in Judaism. Sounds pretty scary, and frankly, it sometimes it is. Thinking of how quickly life can change and how precious it is is so important to keep in mind, but so terrifying.

It's hard to tell from the outside what the "point" of Yom Kippur is. We tell G-d all of the things we did wrong, but we don't flagellate ourselves. We acknowledge that G-d makes the major decisions about what will happen to us in the coming year, but we assert our ability to change those decisions as we grow closer to G-d again. We don't eat or drink or do normal everyday activities, but we think of how much potential the everyday holds, to do both good and bad.

My favorite Yom Kippur explanation is this--it's sort of like when you're driving with the GPS and make a wrong turn, and soon after you hear the tinny voice saying, "recalculating, recalculating." And then you end up taking a route that wasn't the plan originally, but that hopefully gets you to the same place.

And that's exactly what Yom Kippur's about. Looking closely at our lives, at all the areas where we might think we're doing fantastic, and realize that we have strayed from the right path. And then we come up with plans to re-route and get to the place we want to go, becoming the people we want to be.

Image source

My realization for this year? A lot of the time, I excuse being short/rude/unfriendly by telling myself that it's ok, because I'm stressed, or tired, or going through a difficult time. When really, I'm capable of better than that. I don't want to dump my own problems on other people. So for this year, I'm going to focus on counting to 5 when I feel myself getting angry or upset before I react.

Today, we're doing to an ultrasound appointment to double check how our Bunny is doing. It's been an intimidating and scary week, but the timing has been perfect--I can't forget that G-d is with me all the time, helping me handle it.

I hope that all of you enjoy a happy and healthy year!

Blog Your Heart Out

Image source

I love this post on Stephanie's blog and decided to play along, even though I'm a bit late in the day. (Don't be alarmed by the 2 post thing--don't see it happening THAT often, ha!)

1. I've been having a lot of trouble sleeping lately. Now, I am a strictly "8 hours of uninterrrupted sleep a night" kind of gal. And while I realized that was not going to happen once Bunny comes along, I did not realize it would start with pregnancy! After several days of trying to manage work, job interviews, catch-up from vacation, and running the house on 4 or 5 hours of sleep, I'm a little cranky. And then I feel guilty for being cranky, as if the fact that I wanted this baby so badly means I never get to feel the side effects of pregnancy. But I think, deep down, I do feel guilty, I do feel that I want this so much, I should love the fact that I'm tossing and turning all night and edging S out of the bed with my ginormous body pillow. So the cycle continues....

2. I tend to get stressed about getting things done that don't really matter all that much. Like going through my enormous pile of post-its accumulated over the past few weeks. Or organizing my Things list. Or cleaning my bathtub (although maybe that really does matter, ha!) I wish I could spend more time on the long-lasting things in life and less time just trying to get from day to day.

3. I haven't even had the kid, and I already worry about how I will balance pursuing my own dreams and being the mother I want to be. Jury's out on this one, and probably will be for a while.

4. I wish S was home for dinner more the past few weeks. But I'm so grateful for his job at the same time.

5. I wish I had more confidence in myself. That has been the single most present battle in my life.

6. I wish I wasn't always so worried about something happening to this baby.

7. I am so amazed and grateful to be 18 weeks today. If not for the belly, I really wouldn't believe it. Sometimes I think about how I would have felt if I could see a photo of myself today a year ago, and how much peace it would have brought me. Today is a good day.

So there's my reality today. If you did a post like this, please link me--I'd love to see.

A day of mourning

Warning: a bit of a heavy post ahead.

I love to write about Jewish holidays and events on this blog--it helps remind ME what the essence of the holiday is, and I love that it gives you all insight into a world that can be hard to understand from the outside.

Today is the saddest day of the year in Judaism. It's the day that the Holy Temple in Jerusalem was destroyed thousands of years ago, and it's also the day when we mourn all of the tragedies that have happened to the Jewish people since then. We call it Tisha B'av. We fast and we don't shower and we sit on the floor. It's a hard day, but an important one.

When you think about it, there's this thread of tragedy and intensity in the world that we (or at least I) mostly ignore. You hear about a sudden death or an awful tragedy and while you're shaken for a moment, you go on with your life, worrying about what to make for dinner and if your shoes clash with your top. Tisha B'Av is a day to see the unseeable, to take the unbearable and force yourself to stare it in the face. It's a day when we realize this beautiful world is also a place of unspeakable darkness sometimes.

But what's the point of all this depressing sadness? According to the rabbis, there are two kinds of sadness--the kind that cripples you, and the kind that motivates you. I try to use this day to widen my perspective, to realize there are bigger things going on in the world than me and my concerns. I'm in a world filled with too much darkness, and it's my job to create as much light as I possibly can.

So today, I'm thinking of the Fogel family of Itamar, Leiby Kletzky, Gavriel and Rivkah Holtzberg, the boys killed in the Mercaz Harav shooting, the victims of 9-11, and all of the people who were killed in the Holocaust, including many of my family members. I'm thinking of a girl my grandmother once told me about, who was so desperate to escape the horrifying reality of Auschwitz that she kept her head in a novel, all the way to the gas chambers. And I'm also thinking of all the work there is to be done, and all of the opportunities for good I can seize as long as I look outside of myself.

Kosher 101

[image source: http://pinterest.com/pin/18198179/]

The other day, a friend was asking me about keeping kosher. While it was on my mind, I figured I'd give you all a little explanation as to what keeping kosher entails--complete with fun photo assistance!

Kosher Rule Numero Uno: Eat the right animals.

In the Torah, certain animals are listed as kosher and some are not. To qualify as a kosher animal, an animal has to have split hooves and chew its cud.

Here are some classic kosher animals:

[image source: http://cow.gallery.sytes.org]

[image source: www.google.co.nz]

And a very classic NOT kosher animal? Pigs!

We don't eat any pig products, from ham to bacon to pork. Even though I didn't grow up keeping kosher, I never ate pig, so I don't know what I'm missing.

And to tell you the truth, ever since I watched Charlotte's Web back in the day I'm not sure I could eat a pig. They're so cute!

[image source: http://www.flickr.com/photos/45562778@N02/5304355986/in/faves-kristyns/]

And just to emphasize my point:

[image source: http://www.google.com/imgres?imgurl=http://pixdaus.com/pics/]
But I digress.

Kosher Rule Number Two: If you're eating meat (just wrote "meating" my accident--ha!), it has to be killed the kosher way.

What does that mean, you ask? Well, it's a complicated answer, but the basic idea is that the animal has to be killed as quickly and humanely as possible--any animals not killed according to the specific kosher method aren't kosher (even if they're cows).

Kosher meat is specially marked in the grocery store:

[image source: http://www.google.com/imgres?]

A classic Empire Kosher. You can also tell if meat is kosher by the price tag:) Given all of the supervision and transportation that goes into kosher meat, it's more expensive.

Kosher Rule Numero Tres: No meat and milk together.

You can't munch a piece of cheese and a piece of steak at the same time.

And none of these bad boys:


[image source: blog.heritage.org]

But, you can always get your cheeseburger fix this way:


[image source: http://pinterest.com/pin/6134464/]

Couldn't resist!

In addition to not eating meat and milk in the same sandwich, we also don't eat them in the same meal (ie, no hamburger + chocolate milk). We have two sets of dishes and pots and pans for milk and meat. We also wait 6 hours after eating meat before eating dairy (which is why I'm not a fan of weeknight meat meals--no time to eat your chocolate!).

Some Final Odds and Ends: Mind your Ps and Qs

When we go grocery shopping, we only buy products that have kosher symbols on them (except for fresh fruits and veggies).

Here are some common kosher symbols:



[image source: http://www.google.com/imgres?imgurl=http://web.mit.edu/burton2
/kosher_symbols%255E1.jpg&imgrefurl=http://web.mit.edu/burton2/studybreak.html&usg=]
We also clean vegetables for bugs, and do a few other little things. But since this is a quick summary, I won't give you ALL the details!

After reading this, you're probably like, "WHAT??? So many rules? And you can't eat anything!" But the truth is, when you live kosher, you don't think about the rules--it's pretty seamless. And that's coming from someone who did not grow up this way!

So there you have it--a short and (hopefully) sweet description of keeping kosher. Any questions?

And since this post has made me kind of hungry, what's YOUR favorite food? (And to feed my curiosity, are YOU familiar with kosher stuff at all?)