excited: party of two

are you ever just so out of your goddamn mind excited that you can't even see straight?  like whatever you may be excited about is what consumes every thought you have when you're conscious?  and also your dreams (i assume i'm dreaming about this too but i never remember my dreams so i'm not sure).  and for the most part you're utterly useless to everyone because you have a one track mind about the excitement and do nothing else but obsess about it?
that's currently my situation.  like even more excited than getting engaged.  and even more excited than my own wedding and a two week vacation in mexico.  COMBINED.  like straight up lose your mind and melt your damn brain excited.
and no - i'm not pregnant. and it's bad enough that i was asked three times in the last seven days about whether i was pregnant.  i swear to everything that i will choke the next person that asks me that.  OR maybe i'll just tell them i'm barren.  that ought to to take care of things. and in a nice, awkward way.
but i digress.  back to the task at hand.  shitler and i moved in together the summer after we both graduated from college.  and it was grand.  we lived on a property that had three houses situated on it so we were renting a house on the lake for a fraction of the price.  in the summers we boozed on boats and piers down by the water and during the winters shitler ice fished his ass off. we got dogs on that property (even though we weren't supposed to), engaged on that property, and got into all sorts of other shenanigans on that property (see also: what shitler refers to as apartment-ruining fights that invovled a past roommate and their significant other).
check out how good we look; drinking by the basement wall circa 2008.

and even though we had tons of memories and an unimaginable amount of fun living there we both couldn't help getting slightly restless the older we got.  living on the lake is awesome.  living at the bottom of a treacherous hill come winter-time in wisconsin is not awesome.  my pregnant friends weren't allowed over nor were you allowed over if you had just had a child.  and it never failed that my overly active imagination thought about the worst possible thing happening.  i.e. a pregnant friend slipping and falling or a recently born baby tumbling down the stairs in its carrier and then me reacting to the insane fucking tragedy unfolding before me is not something i'm able to cope very well with.  i can't count the number of times i've slipped down that hill during the winter time (drunk OR sober thank you very much).  and no amount of salting the steps helped since the snow just melted during the day and quickly refroze into slick ice.  in all honesty - mountain climbing gear would have been incredibly helpful over the last eight years.  swearsies there was one winter where we just straight up slid down the hill on our asses till we hit the door.  

we affectionately referred to the spring time (or any other time it rained for that matter) as mud season.  the rain would run down the steps creating a torrential stream of water that would eventually collect in our basement and the dogs (obviously just mac because murphy is a fucking angel) so enjoyed prancing through all the mud and were then hesitant to comply with any and all methods of getting clean.  

and then there's just shitler.  and his restless wanting to do house projects.  for all those who don't know - shitler is quite the handy guy.  i think, technically, his job is a sub-contractor.  so he flips house, builds condos, remodels basements and bathrooms and then does most of those things for his friends and family (less flipping houses and building condos for friends and family and more so helping friends and family with house projects since home boy is not that generous).  shitler loves doing house projects for people; but one day he said to me "i'm sick of doing shit at everyone else's house. i want to do shit at my own house (i know - he's very eloquent)."  

so we took the terrifying next step.  and started looking at all the things house-buying entailed.  and it's insane stuff to go over.

like - you know you're broke.  but then you break it all down and you're all "i'm really broke.  how am i even making it?"  and then lenders don't want to lend to you.  and there's debt to income and there's needing to fix your credit and there's different kinds of loans and then there's money down and then you just want to throw yourself off a cliff.  because that's just the first step and you haven't even looked at a fucking house yet.  and for us - all that started in 2014.  and nothing actually came to fruition until just recently.  because first we had to rehab credit scores and attempt to pay off debt.  and even after all that it seemed like house buying was an insurmountable feat and maybe we just give the fuck up.

until 3 weeks ago - when shitler showed me a picture of a house and we decided to go look at it (we actually looked at two different houses and one just had a weird as fuck layout a twenty-five foot patch of grass the dogs would have to shit on).

and then we decided to put in an offer.  and then we had to wait an excruciating forty-eight hours to hear back.  and it was during those forty-eight hours that i realized how truly emotionally unstable i was (about everything in the world though - not just home buying).  but they countered and it was acceptable.  so we accepted it.  and then i had to sign papers.  and then we had to pay money (like thousands) and then the deed was done.  and come january - we move.

but right now - this is me and shitler.

let's circle back around to me being excited as fuck.  because i am.  and so is shitler.

because it will be ours.  and shitler can do house projects.

and shitler will also soon realize the true extent of my madness when i show him all the things on pinterest and go "MAKE IT HAPPEN, CLOWN.  and he'll be horrified that i pick backsplash colors that make me think of fairies sprinkling fairy dust through my kitchen and that i also want a full-blown wardrobe in the bedroom because NARNIA.

but he'll also tell me yes.  because he has to.  because i'll pull the marriage card and not even care and be all "but don't you want me to be happy?"  and then i'll also regret not putting house-related things in the marriage vows because he won't acquiese to my demands.

but in the meantime i have to pack.  and clean.  and obsess.  and stress myself out.

because obviously.

EVERYONE IS INVITED TO FIRST RAGING HOUSE PARTY.

byob though.  since soon we'll be supa, supa broke.

p.s. i also realize that the actual house buying (finding and buying) was relatively easy for us.  for all those that had to endure a probably more normal timeline of home buying - you are all angels and i don't know how you did it.

house reveal installment 3 - please come over?

so here is the reveal in more a detail-oriented form.
are you ready?  were you practically born ready?
i thought so.

so this is what it's like to be an adult.  and to buy things that don't necessarily serve a purpose but go with the overall aesthetic of what you're trying to go with in regards to your living space.
i just threw up in my mouth as i typed that - FYI.
because it's a joke.  
mainly the general feeling i was going for when people first come into the room is "what the fuck?  none of this even goes together."  but then - at a closer look they end up going "ohhhh, ya, i guess it kind of goes together.  in like a none-of-this-should-even-go-together-but-it-does way."

so let's break it down.

the throw pillows.  
which are very rarely serving the purpose they were purchased for by being on the couch because mac-dizzle gets into some sort of freak out spaz mode where he insists on rubbing himself all over the couches and in turn kicking them to the floor.  and don't mind the dog hair all over them.  i've come to just accept its presence in my life as a constant.

the wall furnishings.
besides the andy's i mainly just wanted some weird up on the walls.  like conversation pieces.  like people would think i'm sophisticated because of audrey but then see the other couple of pieces and be like "that audrey thing is a front.  this girl is whacked in the head."

an aside.
mr. poop is pretty prevalent here in the shitler household.

knick knacks.

like let me buy crap that will collect dust and look ridiculous and i'm one happy camper.

hence the hugging cats (which shitler refuses to accept as a representation of him and me.  maybe because we never hug).  or that weird ball thing in the background.  OR - lord hairless and a couple of gnome salt and pepper shakers.

lastly.

a sort of aerial shot of my tiny, but now cozy and more adult-like living room.

let's refrain from giving shitler any sory of props for this.

it goes straight to his head and his ego does need to be any bigger than it normally is.

DOES IT LOOK OK!?

house reveal 2 - fishing in the dark

ok - so for those of you who are coming to visit (i'm looking at you samm, mac, and christi) and aren't going to pass out on the couch or get so drunk that they don't mind the floor then i want to present to you the fishing room.  
which houses two passed-out options.  the high-up bunk bed or the down-low trundle bed.  so basically i guess it depends on your level of motivation when you're beat up drunk.  the choice is yours.

so in the fishing room you can become overwhelmed by the amount of fishing crap on the walls.
you're welcome.
or you could play a rustic game of tic-tac-toe.
or stare at a picture of me kissing a fish.
if you're feeling up to it - you can always just come upstairs and snuggle in between me and shitler.

please let me know which

weekend you'll be coming to visit.

house recap installment 1

i'm one hundred percent going to drag this rearrangement post into two, possibly three, posts.

to be obnoxious.

this post WILL NOT include pictures of lord hairless or the cat figurines.

those are for next week.  or if i'm feeling especially cruel - the week after next week.

but it will include a picture of the giant rabbit that i love and also a picture of an overly excited murphy lee (btw, he looks like a total mouth breather in the picture).

so to recap - shitler decided we need to be adults.  

and after he convinced me that this was, in fact, not a drill i unhappily complied.  

so naturally, the first thing i did was immediately buy something that would display some of my booze.

so i got myself a cute little rolley-type-cart-thing to put my wine in.  

and it's a blessing and a curse.  because i'm constantly drinking wine.  and then constantly wanting wine in the cart-thing to make it look nice so i'm just constantly buying more wine but then i'm just constantly drinking it all over again because it's sitting in there taunting me.  i think the word we're looking for here is viscous circle.

oh  who is that you ask?

that's rick.

the giant bunny i received at a work function white elephant party and is now the bane of shitler's existence.

i'm genuinely shocked that rick hasn't met some sort of unfortunate demise by now.

but  he hasn't.  so where better to display rick than under all my booze?

i need you all to know that shitler literally got off on buying home furnishings.

which concerned me.  but then i realized it was one less thing that i had to do.

so i just embraced it when he called to excitedly tell me that he had purchased an ottoman (that a had compartment for all of our blankies), a floor lamp, new blinds, and an area rug (his exact words).

in the past i've collected various things to hang on the walls but there has rarely been and rhyme or reason as to why they are where they are.  like shitler pointed out that i just hung things on nails that were already in the wall.  and then i was all "meh."

but this time shitler suggested we hang things on the wall with a purpose.

so i present to you my wall of andys.

lastly for this post is an overly excited murphy lee.

he's probably thanking his canine overlord that his mom and dad are done trying to pretend to be adults.

or at least that he has his couch back because it had been a real inconvenience when there was various woods and tools all over them and like WHERE WAS HE SUPPOSED TO SLEEP --- LIKE ON THE FLOOR OR SOMETHING?!  don't worry murph lee.  all is as it should be.

p.s. don't mind those weird wooden table things.  we've had them for years (i think from my friend, bowser) and shitler has been going on and on about he's going to sand them and then do something with them but i've yet to see anything come to fruition.  so now they're just there.  which probably isn't for the best because it's just one more surface in the house for me to spread all my crap on.  which shitler is never a fan of.

still to come - throw pillows and knick-knacks.

at least pretend you're excited.

it only makes sense that my house would be life my life. which is a disaster.

i honestly don't understand the people who enjoy decorating/re-arranging. 
the process is beyond exhausting.
i told ya'll about the beginning process here - in case you want to review.
and since i lack on basic follow through it's pretty typical for me to get a quarter of the way through and then proceed to moan and groan and want to throw in the towel and just lay on the couch.  
BUT THAT'S IMPOSSIBLE - because the couch is covered in shit that doesn't belong on it because of the re-arranging.  and then i just want to be all "OH MY GOD let's just hire someone to do this."  and then i remember that we're poor.  so we have to do it ourselves.  but that means i have to clean.   and then i can't get over this overwhelming feeling that the whole world is out to get me.

so that disaster up there was my life for a good two days.  shit everywhere.
and although i am by no means a tidy person the situation was basically driving me to drink more than usual.
and then there's the whole now-i-have-to-buy-some-new-shit-to-put-on-the-walls-but-i'm-still-poor-so-the shopping-isn't-even-all-that-fun.  because that's basically the worst (first world problems, i know).  because maybe you want two cat figurines but you can only afford one.  and what about all the obnoxious shit you want to put on the walls?  and by all i mean ALL.  but i can't have it all.  so i have to settle for just one or two.  and there's picture frames that i need to buy.  and have you guys bought picture frames lately?  they're mother f'ing expensive.  and don't even get me started on throw pillows because the sheer concept of them practically gives me an aneurysm.  so the entire process is a slow process and that's tough to wrap my brain around because i just want it all done.

and so do these guys.  they love the couch as much their momma does.

but fear not.  things have come together in a very average manner.
things are on the walls.  i think the general aesthetic i'm going for is clear.
the reveal is scheduled for next week.  so if you care you should come back on thursday.

SO DO YOU CARE?

WILL YOU COME BACK?!!?!?!

the night laundry ruined my entire life

laundry is basically my worst nightmare.
i hate it with every fiber of my being.
like hate it so much that i'll let it pile up for weeks and then when i finally have to buckle down and do it because i should stop wearing the same pair of socks for three days there is literally so much laundry to do that i'm overwhelmed and just throw in the proverbial towel (because all the other ones are dirty) and lay on the couch.

but the other night shitler was all "are you ever going to do laundry?"  and i was all "maybe sometime."  and then he was all "well, this my last pair of socks so maybe sometime could be tonight."  and then i was like "OH MY GOD FINE."  
so after shitler left for bowling i begrudgingly headed to the basement.
down these harrowing steps.

yes - i risk my life every single time i drunk-do-laundry and lug clothes down this death trap.

after surviving the steps i headed to the wash machine and twisted the knob at least three times fully around and then pulled out the knobby thing.  but no water came out.  only this weird "murrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr" sound.
so naturally - i fist pumped.
because the "murrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr" sound meant frozen pipes and frozen pipes meant no doing laundry.
but then it dawned on me - i was on my last pair of underwear.  DRAT.
so a bottle of wine and a few hours of blasting the pipes with a tiny space heater later i was back in business.
three-quarters of the cycle later - out of business.  due to frozen pipes on the drainage end.
at this point - i'm basically convinced that the universe just doesn't want me to do laundry.  because now i'm forced to fish out my necessary undergarments out of gross, freezing cold water till my hands are basically frostbitten.  worst.night.ever.

but fear not - things have thawed since then.
both my hands and my pipes.

and some clothes are clean.  finally.

but this spaz keeps drooling all over everything and in turn giving me more laundry to do.

shut your drool mouth DOG

p.s. i finally found the one bra i own.  shockingly - it was at the bottom of a giant pile of dirty clothes.

And Now I'm a 1950s Housewife.

you realize priorities have changed when you receive xmas presents like these and are simply over the moon excited about them.

[caption id="attachment_752" align="aligncenter" width="300"] heavenly.[/caption]

[caption id="attachment_753" align="aligncenter" width="300"] lincoln is going to get a lot fatter.[/caption]

[caption id="attachment_754" align="aligncenter" width="300"] i'll be doing some badass decorating.[/caption]