Medic: Only von can vin.
Fargo: I don't know about that -- the Blue Scout just got torn in two by a single round, the upper half of his body hurtling toward his own base at the front of a crimson comet of blood.
Medic: Mein Got!
Fargo: That's right, we're all winners here. Wait, hold on, we're going to go live now to the entrance to the Blue base where our man on the scene, the Pyro, has landed an interview with the Red Sniper after that impressive shot. Take it away, Pyro!
Pyro: Mnnnphh! Mnrrr, mrrr mrrr MnnMMnnoopphh. Mnph?
[The Pyro tips the microphone to the Sniper.]
Sniper: Uhm - wot?
Pyro: Mnnmnmnn Hmmmnmn mnrrrrmnph, mumph menenemirmmmpphh?
Sniper: Say wot mate? [He looks helplessly at the camera.] Is 'e okay?
Pyro: Wummble mrrrmble mf, Mph Ummmph!
[Camera cuts unexpectedly back to Fargo.]
Fargo: ...sure, I'll take that. The advertisers paid in advance. Medic?
Medic: Javol?
Fargo: I need drugs to get through this.
Medic: Und ze next event begint! Ist next: der schwimmen!
Fargo: That's right, the 400-meter freestyle Spy swim-off, taking place in the sewers below the bases. And they're rounding the final corner ... and it looks like ... the Blue Team won! No, wait, I think that's the Red Team. No? Blue? F'n spies. Somebody shoot them and see if they scream.
Medic: Do lieber! Mein Spy benötigt Herzkreislaufwiederbelebung!
Fargo: I can't say I agree with you. Or disagree. I can't actually parse that sentence at all, I'm afraid. Ah, I see the Pyro is now setting random things on fire!
Medic: Und vat event ist das?
Fargo: It's not for an event, really. We just can't stop him. I guess that means day one is wrapping up! Tune in tomorrow during prime time when the Heavy will punch the Engineer in the back of the head while he tries to build a dispenser. After that the Olympic events will start. See you then!
[The Medic squirts whatever's in his syringe into his mouth.]
[PlanetFargo runs Fridays on GameSpy.com with the same awkward inevitability of a Spy sappin' your sentry. Dave 'Fargo' Kosak is a longtime game journalist and GameSpy co-founder who recently grew a beard and needs to update his cartoon. Mail Fargo!]
