With me today is my long-time friend and expert commentator, The Medic. [Pause.] The Medic. [Pause.] MEDIC!
Medic: Ach, I am hier, ja.
Fargo: For those of you just joining in, the parade of nations has just drawn to an awkward close after some celebratory chaingunning went awry, and we're about to kick off the official competition with the entry of the Olympic torch, being carried through 2Fort stadium by a Scout. He should be coming any moment.
Medic: Und zere he goes!
Fargo: Wait - what? I glanced down to clean some fuzz out of my mouse. Did I miss it?
Medic: Javol! Ze torch ist lit! Und so ist ze Demoman.
Fargo: Sonofabitch those guys are quick. I suppose it's time for our first event: Rocket Jump Gymnastics. And I see that the Soldiers are already lining up for the first round.
[The Soldiers hit themselves on the head with their shovels.]
Fargo: Now Medic, there's been some controversy as to the ages of the competitors -- whether or not the Soldiers here are mature enough and of legal age to compete.
Soldier 1: N00b!
Soldier 2: GAY!
Medic: No-von knows if joo are a leetle girl on ze Internet.
Fargo: Here comes the Red Soldier now, he's got some good speed across the bridge, there goes his rocket -- a little sloppy with the jump timing, but look at that form! A double twist to the sniper deck aannnnndddd... he sticks the landing! Despite the unsteady takeoff he seems pleased, and, now he's just been gunned down by the judges' turret.
Medic: I gif him a five.
Fargo: Five?
Medic: High five.
Fargo: And now the favored contender is stepping up, the Blue Soldier is making his run, what terrific form! What intensity! He's trying for a double-grenade rocket jump with a -- OH MY! -- A flawless launch! I think we might see some world-record height here! Two, three -- that's four full rotations! And now he's dead.
Medic: Zat ist ein big crater, ja.
Fargo: The server has just tagged the Blue Soldier as his own nemesis. I've never seen that before.
Medic: Happens to Demoman at parties, as vell.
