Those of you eagerly looking forward to round two of last week's clash of the PlanetFargo titans, skip ahead to page 2! This week's column is about the ESRB.

Warning! Potentially offensive font faces.
Don't get me wrong: I like the ESRB, AKA the Entertainment Software Ratings Board. They're the organization responsible for those little letter grades you see stamped on the packages of games. "T" for "Teen," "M" for "Mature," etc. I think it's better for the industry to police itself than for some other regulatory agency to do it, although you might disagree.

But last week they announced some new "Content Descriptors" for their ratings. These are little descriptions that go on the back of the game boxes, letting you know what to expect from the game's content. On the surface, it sounds like a good idea. But in practice, it makes me question why they bother.

Look at the example at the top of this article. Does anyone actually pick up a game and say to themselves, "Mild Lyrics! That could be trouble!"? What does that mean? Similarly, does anyone really know what "Comic Mischief" is all about? To me, Comic Mischief is how you describe that one jerk in the movie theatre who keeps asking why David Banner's pants don't rip off when he turns into the Hulk.

What I would want to see -- and I'm a needy person -- are Content Descriptors that really speak to me, as both a gamer and a consumer. Damn straight! Here's a list of my own personal:

Recommended ESRB Content Descriptors
  • SB: Still Buggy: This game was released a couple months early.
  • N3D: Never shoulda been 3D: This classic should've never been made into a 3D game.
  • NS: Not Sexy: Nothing in this game is as sexy as the chick they put on the cover.
  • PE: Poor Use of Ebonics: Game dialogue was written by a white man, possibly unsure that what he wrote was borderline offensive, IE, "Wow Bob, she sure has one illin' 'nana, don't she?" "Werd, my nizzle, werd up indeed!"
  • 1S2: One Sequel Too Many.
  • 2S2: The previous game in this series was rated 1S2.
  • MO: The "Mature" rating is all this game has going for it.
  • MX: This game will be featured in Maxim magazine instead of a much better game.
  • GS: This game is only fun if you roll up the instruction manual and smoke it.
  • NM: Not as good as the movie.
  • BM: Way better than the movie.
  • GG-WAV: Great Game, ruined by Weak-Assed Voiceovers.
  • RS: Repetative soundtrack will drive away your mom, and/or any signifcant others.
  • MGR: Game achieves a "Mature" rating only because it features gangsta rap.
  • AP: Arcade Physics: World War II tanks can catch air and do powerslides.
  • RP: Realistic Physics: Game is probably slower and more boring than back-of-box screenshots imply.
  • MN: Product designed to fill a market niche, rather than being a good game.
  • NR: Never Released. They should put this warning on ads for games that'll never make it to stores.

Have any more ideas? Hit the forums and post 'em there! And now, for those of you following last week's showdown between classic PlanetFargo characters, click on...