Ask my mother about my early days as a gamer, and she'll inevitably tell you about the one time we played Pac-Man together on the Atari 2600. She took her turn first and managed to get devoured by ghosts before I could finish saying, "You've got to use the stick to move." After several minutes of marveling at my ability to evade my spectral pursuers, she went to the kitchen and started washing dishes, asking me to come and get her when it was her turn again. Half an hour later, the dishes were done, and it was still my turn. That was the first and last time we played videogames together, because no matter how much love and encouragement you have to give, getting so thoroughly pwned at anything by a six-year old is just about as humiliating as it gets.

But here's some good news for Mom: I've finally found a game that's so easy, even she could play it and feel good about herself. The bad news is, it's so simple that it is scientifically impossible for anyone else with functioning thumbs to derive any fun from it. The game is Naruto: Uzumaki Chronicles 2, and no matter how big a fan you are of boy ninjas in orange jumpsuits, it's one you should probably skip.


The plot of Uzumaki Chronicles 2 revolves around the machinations of the sinister (and presumed extinct) Shirogane clan of ninjas, masters of... wait for it... puppetry. Sadly, instead of working up a variety show act or a sequel to "Team America," they've decided to use their powers for evil, sending legions of robot-like automatons out to conquer the land and search for five Spirit Orbs that will bring their Master Puppet back to life.

Starting in Naruto's Hidden Leaf Village, you follow paths on a world map to new areas, beating up tons of enemies along the way in random encounters. Once you reach your destination, you beat up even more enemies. Some very basic puzzle-solving elements and a few uninspired boss fights don't do much to break up the tedium of the overly repetitive combat.

"But wait," you say, "back up a moment. This is a game where you play a ninja who goes around beating up robots? That sounds like a great premise for a brawler!" And you're right, it is. The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles arcade game has claimed enough of my quarters over the last two decades to establish that as an undeniable fact. The problem is, Uzumaki Chronicles 2 takes what should be a sure-fire premise and ruins it with repetitive gameplay and horrible production.

You'll never use the vast majority of your abilities, because the ninja skills you start with are so ridiculously powerful that you don't need anything else. You can also swap in other characters during combat, but there's absolutely no incentive do to so. Naruto is more than capable of handling everything solo, and there are no team attacks. The game's one saving grace is two-player co-op support, because suffering through a lame game with a friend is slightly less painful than going solo. But it's better to just find a fun game the two of you can play together.