One time at a party, I met that guy who played "12 Pack" on the VH1 atrocity called "I Love New York." He was a nice dude, and meant well, but the guy was literally incapable of doing anything but reference his short-lived career as a reality show dumpster diver. He drank, laughed, danced, and probably vomited all over his neon v-neck, but no matter what the activity, he found some way to relate it to his short-lived quest to find gold in the depths of Tiffany "New York" Pollard's purse and pants. A sad state for a one-trick pony, ambitious as he may be.
And so is the life of any game designer who decides to create an entire piece of software based on the basic act of popping bubbles. Developer Nnooo (a team that shares the same name as the audible noise I made when checking the DSi shop update this week) throws everything it can at you to make up for the fact that its game is about as enjoyable as playing with plastic shipping filler. There are scoring tiers, multipliers, bosses, and even an achievement-esque badge system, but at the end of the day all it can provide you is a bunch of bubbles to mindlessly pop. So if you're the type to fist-pump to the thought of spending the evening with a friendly but repetitive distraction, by all means throw some dollars down. For everyone else, there are far more entertaining guests at the party.
Verdict: Worthless
Ditching the GBA slot meant no more bulky Guitar Hero DS sessions for DSi owners, but the awkwardly named Guitar Rock Tour might hold fans of the genre over until Activision pumps out something new. Its title isn't the only thing that blatantly borrows from the games it's derived from, as even the presentation and gameplay feel as if somebody quickly mixed bits and pieces of Rock Band and Guitar Hero in a Solo cup and threw it into the crowd. Players are given the option of being a drummer or a guitarist but the MIDI ringtone-like rendition of "Beat It" would make the King of Pop roll in his grave. Maybe it's the thought that counts, as most developers wouldn't spring for licensed songs in a cheap downloadable title like this one.
The DSi camera comes into play as you advance through your career as a screen-tapping MIDI musician when you pose for rock magazine covers (in case you've ever wondered what you'd look like with devil horns superimposed on your head) or have your face provide the backdrop to your stage shows, should you be so vain. Sprinkled throughout the game are snarky and "motivational" quotes like "to optimize your performance, put your headphones on and eat your vegetables" so kudos to Gameloft for not only being one of the few developers taking DSiWare seriously but for having a sense of humor, too.
Verdict: Worth it
Bizarrely hypnotizing, Precipice pits a simple 3D character model against the perils of scaling a block-dropping tower with nothing but his wits and grips (and, uh, fists) to save him. The game begins on a flat surface, but within seconds cubes begin to fall from the sky to create a climbable terrain, and climb you must, as after time each layer will fall to its doom, hopefully without you standing on it. Running and climbing for long periods of time can slowly detract your health, and a giant falling block to the dome can do worse, so if you can't get your character to stand on the randomly appearing health blocks expect him to struggle to catch his breath as he slowly ascends.
Simply reaching the top of this white-washed world is one way to victory, but since running over a block can change its color, players are encouraged to "clear" rows of blocks at a time for bonus points. Think of it as the TV studio from Willy Wonka's factory meets Q*bert, minus Slugworth or those dickhead snake enemies. Things are made easier by the darker blocks that award you with a block-knocking punch move. Precipice's oddest quirk is in the post-game, though. Your character raises his arms in victory and celebrates by retreating to one of nine "relax rooms" where he does things like sit down on invisible furniture to enjoy a sandwich or wash off in an imaginary shower. This is weird stuff Nintendo, even for you guys.
Verdict: Worth it
Annnd Nintendo's Art Style series finally reveals its first true dud. Oh well, it had a good run. Art Style Zengage is a rather pompous title for a game that lacks characterizing art, a memorable style, any semblance of Zen-like qualities or gameplay that is even remotely engaging. Slide strips of colored tiles around a grid and try to get them to match a pattern of colored balls, or don't and save your $5 for a bottle of Nyquil -- it will have roughly the same effect. For a smarter and better minimalist DS puzzle game, stick with something like Polarium. It packs plenty more puzzles and is likely to be around the same cost in your local Gamestop used bin these days, if you dare to enter that swarthy pit of depravity.
Verdict: Worthless
The biggest star of this lineup (both in block size and in scope) is also the cheapest, and guess what? It's also the best. Well, maybe not for the artistically deficient, but even they will get a kick out of the hundreds of wacky, deranged and insanely creative animations that gamers have uploaded to the web since Flipnote Studio hit the DSi a few weeks back. The app lets you animate your drawings and add custom sounds through the mic before settling on your minutia of madness and unleashing it on the world via the Flipnote Hatena website. Fellow GameSpy editor Brian Miggels didn't hesitate for a second to take a few hours off of work to create a few Flipnotes of his own, being sure to devolve into the ninja, blood, and crotch joke-loving 6th grader he no doubt once was.
Verdict: Worth it
