World Prematurity Awareness Day

Every soon to be mom has the perfect birth pictured in their head.  For some it may be a quick labor which you work through naturally, for others it is going into labor to hurry into the hospital to get hooked up to the good-stuff.  But as most things in life, things do not always go as planned.

For my oldest- 18 hours of labor-- 4 of which I pushed (while on NO meds) ended up in a c-section when he just wouldn't come out.   For my middle, a scheduled c-section that went just as planned.  And for my baby- Ryder, I had it all planed out.  The c-section was scheduled the day after the release of the latest Twilight movie.   We would go to the movie- me big and pregnant and then the next day head to the hospital for the planned surgery and birth.

Rewind 8 weeks from that time.  We were on our last vacation before the baby came, 8 weeks before my due date over 600 miles from home and my water broke.  It wasn't from too much strenuous activity- I was sitting in the middle of an LDS Temple Session; it wasn't from some infection-- in fact in the end they have no idea why my little guy chose to come 8 weeks early.

I lay in the hospital, tired, scared and trying to keep that baby in as long as possible.

Two days later on May 14th Ryder was born weighing (a big for his age) 4 lbs 9 oz.  I sometimes forget how truly tiny he was.  His entire hand would wrap just around the tip of my finger.

The next 19 days I spent my days and nights split between the NICU and spending the time with my other children.  I will forever be indebted to not only the wonderful NICU nurses but my in-laws and sister-in-law for watching my other two children while I spent most of my time in the hospital.

We had our bumps and problems along the way, including not gaining weight and horrific reflux- but now he is a wonderful healthy happy adorable 2 1/2 year old.

So tomorrow- I will be reflecting and help raise awareness of premature births for World Prematurity Awareness Day.

Here is a video I made shortly after Ryder's 1st birthday that tells a little of his story and shows him growing up.  It is still one of my favorite videos I ever made.


To read more about Ryder's story- just click here or the NICU tab on my sidebar.

10:00 AM

Today at 10:00 AM this is coming off!


After 19 days in the NICU, 34 1/2 weeks gestation, and weighing just over 5 lbs 1 oz and Ryder is coming home.

Well home to my in-laws we will do the big drive on Saturday.

I See..

I sit in the lobby waiting for my ride.

I see grandparents with kids waiting for that special moment.

I see extended family and friends nervously pacing back and forth.

I see happy new parents carrying their new babies out to the car.

This is the way it was supposed to be.

This is how it was supposed to happen.

I see... And I wish... And I want

and then my ride comes.

Updates and Pictures

Ryder continues to do well. He actually officially made it over his birth weight. He is now a huge 4 lbs and 10 oz :) But every oz or gram, as they measure it in, counts. He also seems to be doing a lot better with nursing and is catching on more and more each time.

We have even been surviving without Eric this week. Obviously we would love if he were here and are so excited to see him on Friday. Here are some pictures from one of Eric's last visits before he went back to California.

His new bed!

Life in the NICU

I enter the front doors of the women's and children's center. "Hello, heading back." I say to the front desk clerk. They know what I mean by those few simple words as I have now seen the front desk staff many times. The buzz me back into the maternity wing. I pass by the desk where I sat in a wheel chair that one Wednesday where Eric gave them our insurance information.

I head to the NICU, I push the button. "***** Mom here to see my baby." I say. The NICU staff all know me now too, but this is a formality and for securtity and you definitely can't be too safe with these little babies. "Good morning" I say then make some small talk while signing in.

I then head over to the sink. All jewelery off, grab the scrub brush and scrub and wash my hands and arms up to my elbows for three minutes, just like a surgeon. Srcub, scrub.. I need to remember to put lotion on my hands when I leave, they are starting to get raw. Eric has a system that he uses when he srubs in now, mine changes a little bit every time. All clean; head back to see my little guy.

I take his temperature, complete his oral care and change his diaper. He likes to poop while I am changing his diaper, seems to be his new favorite game, so I always make sure I have the new diaper already underneath just in case. Finally get him all changed and then it is my favorite time. I get to hold him and once a shift (every 12 hrs) try to nurse him.

I know people have different opinions on nursing and for some it just does not work... but to look down at that little guy who is completely dependent upon others and to see him latch on, even if just for a few minutes....well there is something truly spiritual and wonderful about it. After we try nursing for a while they hook up his feeding. His food slowly goes through a tube through his nose right to his stomach over a hour period. I hold him this whole time as he peacefully sleeps in my arms. I love watching his chest rise up and down while he sleeps. I love hearing his little grunts and groans. I gently rub his head. I put my finger into his hand. His hand tightly grips around my finger, his entire hand only covers the very top part of my finger. Even though he is so little he is so perfect, everything in it's place, everything just right... just so so small.

After that hour I gently put him back in his bed. I get him all wrapped up and say goodbye, I will see you later little guy... this is always the hard part. I head out, sometimes to leave the hospital, sometimes I go eat lunch just to come back for the noon care... but my heart is never far from this place. I call it my home away from home away from home. They are caring wonderfully for Ryder, but I will be more than happy to say goodbye to this place.

Clone Me Please!

I really should be going to bed.. but instead I am here in the late hours of the night blogging... I just have to get it out or I won't sleep, at least not peacefully.

Ryder continues to do so well, yet we had our first setback. I knew one of these times when we showed up at the NICU there would be some bad news. He had been having some pretty bad reflux. When I heard this I thought, well of all the set backs things could be a lot worse. They bumped his feeding times up to a hour and took out some supplements they were adding to see if that helped; and it already seems to have helped and he didn't spit up at all this afternoon or evening. So I was so happy that this set back seems to already be doing better.

When we went to the NICU tonight we saw that he is just in a regular bed! I was so happy to see that. So in one day we had a set back and great progress.

Eric, his mom, and I returned from the NICU tonight feeling good. We arrived home to a quiet home... then I heard my father-in-law's voice over the baby monitor. "It sounds like daddy is home, I will go get him and be right back" It turns out while we were gone Alex woke up just absolutely screaming and calling out for me. He said she looked terrified. He just stayed down by her for 45 minutes in which time she never went back to sleep.

Someone clone me please. I need to be in two places at once. I am so torn... I have a baby that is receiving wonderful care but I need to be with at times to help and bond with and help learn how to eat... but I have two wonderful children that are now two weeks into what was supposed to be a one week vacation.... I have two children who are greatly loved and being taken care of so well by family, but we aren't home and I cannot always be with them.

I am beginning to get just a glimpse of what my mom went through the first five years of my life. Before my heart surgery I was in and out of the hospital practically every holiday; I have 4 older brothers and sisters, plus one younger sister that was born during all of this. How did she do it?

Someone clone me. And while you are at it clone my husband. Tomorrow night he heads back to California for work. He will return on Friday..but it might be five long days.

Today Lucas said to Eric: "Too bad I am not a real inventor. Then I could invent a robot that could do your job for you so you didn't have to go back to work."

So cloning and robots requested here. It's not too much to ask is it?

Somebody clone me.. or at least put me to bed. Maybe things will feel better in the morning.

Pictures!!

A little over a week ago, our family vacation drastically changed when my water broke at 32 weeks. And one week ago today, our family of four became five. If you have not heard the story yet, you can start reading about it here.

I am feeling so much better. I finally took my camera to the NICU and took the time to get some good pictures, it was killing me not having good pictures and not being able to see them. So I brought along my camera and am using my father-in-laws Mac to get see them all. I did not realize how important and what an outlet photography is for me until this past week. I have been missing having and taking good pictures. So here are pictures from today's visit.

Our first family picture with all 5


Proud big brother and sister

Lucas hand on Ryder's head

Eric holding Ryder
On Ryder's bed-one of the nurses made it for him

And I figured while I am at it I might as well link up with Photo Sharing Friday.

Hosted by Cecilyand Mom24

My day

Right now my life is obviously a bit crazy and hectic... Here is what my typical day is like

6:30 AM- wake up and pump
6:45-7:30- get a little more sleep
7:30-8:30 get dressed, breakfast for all
8:30- leave to drive to hospital
9:00-10:30 do Ryder's care (temp, oral care, diaper and hold while eating)
10:30-2:30 spend time with kids, eat lunch
2:30 go back to hospital (someone has to drive me thx to c-section)
3:00-4:30 Ryder's care and try non-nutritional nursing
5:00-6:30 dinner
6:30-8:00 play with kids, get ready for bed, in bed by 8:00
8:30-drive to hospital
9:00- Do Ryder's care
10:30 start getting ready for bed, pump
11:00 in bed
1:00 AM- pump


So that is my day in a nutshell, filled in with pumping every three hours. So I am getting more sleep at night then I might be if he were home..but I would much rather be up all night if it meant Ryder was home with us.

Why the Baby Came Early

Yesterday when the kids were leaving the NICU after their visit, a nurse asked them if they liked seeing their baby. Lucas spoke right up and said.
"Yes. Our baby came early. He wasn't supposed to come until July. But his sac that he sleeps in broke so he had to come out to find a new bed.".


Today's updates: Totally off oxygen, IV practically has just fluids and nothing else (probably will remove IV tomorrow) and he didn't officially latch on earlier while nursing but super close and is definitely getting the right idea.

The family

Last night around 6:00 PM Eric and I pulled into his parents driveway. I was showered, dressed and part of the outside world once again.. And really it truly did feel like I was coming back from some out of earth or at least out of body experience. I remember after having Alex how it felt so weird that she was now part of our family, and this feeling is ten-fold now, especially since we left the hospital without Ryder.

It was so good to be back with the kids. I helped brush their teeth and read them both a story. It was nice. They both have done so good with everything going on, but it is hard too. Today Lucas said "I want to go home". And I wish I could too... I wish it was possible for us all to just be back home together...but that is not reality now. Lucas has always been a child that has thrived on routine so I know as well as he often seems to be adjusting and dealing he is probably just going crazy inside.

Last night after the kids were in bed, Eric, his mom and I headed back to the NICU for Ryder's care. When the day began I almost felt like I did not know what to do in the NICU, but by this care I felt like we could both jump right in and do it. I was amazed and so happy with how quickly that transformation came as before I had just felt over my head like I was a clueless parent.

Today the kids came for their second visit. I held Ryder while the kids touched his head and looked at him. While they were visiting he woke up and opened his eyes more than he ever has. He truly seemed to be looking at his brother and sister trying to see who they were. It was awesome. Lucas kept saying Ryder was the cutesy baby ever. And Alex said, 'he likes me. He is so soft' and other things like that. Lucas was fascinated by his heart rate and kept naming off what it currently was.

Today I am going to spend the rest of the day with the kids as they really do need it and I do too... But tonight I will be back with Ryder again.

Here is a pic from today's visit. It was just taken with Eric's phone.. And well I haven't fixed the red eye yet.. But it's a picture

Home today

Well looks like I will probably be discharged today. It is so weird to think I will be leaving the hospital without Ryder... But I know he is being taken care of and I can guarantee you I will be here a lot. Eric and I went down for his morning care. Eric took his temperature, changed his diaper and held him a bunch for the first time. His entire head fits so easily into Eric's hand. While we were down there he opened his eyes more than I have ever seen him before... He just seemed to stare at Eric for a long time. He slept so peacefully in Eric's arms and they even had to turn down his oxygen levels all of the way as he was so peaceful, and breathing so well that he was getting too much air.

My wonderful mother-in-law is at the store returning the new maternity shirts she had just bought for me last Monday, since I still had another month and a half of pregnancy... She is exchanging them for things I need now that I obviously had not packed for my vacation. In fact until she gets back I can't leave the hospital, unless I want to go home in my gown that is.... It will be so nice to have some real clothes again and start to feel like a normal person.

I will still be so dependent upon others though since I can't drive for 6 weeks after a c-section... And I am not always the best person at letting others help me... I want to do it. So it is a bit humbling to have to rely on others so much. I am just so grateful I have others that can help. Now I just need to help Ryder get strong so we can all go home together.. Now that will be a good day.

Recap and pictures!

Sometimes I sit here feeling like what else did I use to blog about besides the baby...This is my life right now. I know someday things will be back to some sort of normal but it is just so hard to see that right now. It is like some weird other universe. I spent the morning with my little guy. I first went into the NICU and just sat there almost wondering what should I do. He was sleeping very peacefully as they had recently just sedated him a bit for an echo... As he is a fighter and when he gets mad his oxygen levels like to jump all over the place.

But then I got to take his temperature and change his diaper... A kind of tricky thing to do through the two holes in the side of his bed... Oh and he is all boy, he peed while I was changing him of course. And then I just got to hold him and try and nurse him. Holding him for that time made it so much more real. As I looked down at how perfectly his little body fit in my arms he didn't seem so little anymore...though he truly is.

My sister-in-law Rachel took some beautiful pictures of Ryder the other day. You can see them on her blog here.


And I am working around some blogger kinks and actually able to add this picture too.


This was from Lucas and Alex's first visit to their brother.

First visit

Well another day has come and gone. Here is finally a pic from the first time I saw Ryder. I will try and post more pictures tomorrow.

I held Ryder for the first time Saturday afternoon. I could have sooner but I was feeling all flushed and sick again so wanted to wait for that to pass. When I first went down to see him I just sat there and looked... It is still half unbelievable that this little guy is mine and that he is here already. He got fussy so I opened up the little door and put his paci back in, which he is already sucking away like crazy on, an awesome sign and development. I then just put my hand so gently on his. He opened his hand which is only two inches long and grabbed onto my fingers. I loved it.

I then got to hold him. Though so small he was a lot less fragile then I thought he would feel... It just felt so right and good to hold him. He quieted down when I talked with him and just held him up against me. He is feisty already they say and got very mad when they were trying to do his footprint... But I am used to feisty kids :)

Speaking of, Lucas and Alex were able to come see him today. They covered his head with a cap before they came as he has an IV right in in his head as he kept trying to bump and pull it out. I did not even know they could put one there. The nurse took a picture of Ryder and then another picture with Lucas and Alex standing next to his bed and made it into a scrapbook page for us. She printed off two extra pictures so the kids could each have one. On the page it says, 'Lucas and Alex came to see me for the first time today. Alex just kept looking at me and Lucas was all smiles.' They came back and told me how they talked in their quiet and medium voices while they were down there so they wouldn't scare the babies.

I have been so happy with the care and concern both Ryder and I are getting here. And it has been so nice to have so many great guests, including my best friend from college Amy, stop by. What could easily be a horrific time has been one mostly filled with love and peace. I will always be grateful for that blessing from my Heavenly Father.

Intoducing Ryder Trent

Right before lunch yesterday I thought I was leaking a lot more fluid... Turns out it was blood. So some decisions were made and yesterday shortly after 3:00 Ryder was born. He weighs 4 lbs 9 oz and is 18 inches long. So very big for his age. He seems to be doing great and is already breathing mostly normal air. After a round of hot flashes and nausea last night I am feeling much better too. I guess he just wanted to be a Utah baby instead of a California baby.

Will try and get pictures up, just having issues.

Tired

Since the contractions had slowed down they moved me out of labor and delivery last night and into the room I will probably occupy after I have the baby. They monitor me a little less frequently so I can rest more. But since they did not move me until almost 10:00 last night and then needed to get everything reset up it was a late night.

Oh and waking up at around 1:00 AM soaked as I leaked a lot more is always pleasent too let me tell you. I slept pretty good the rest of the night but am starting to have contractions again every 6-7 mins. The Dr. is going to come back in in about 1-3 hrs to reevaluate. I have almost hit that critical 48 hr period for the steroids to be at there best for Ryder's lung development.

All I can say is thank goodness for family. My brother and his wife stopped by yesterday with a bag full of clothes for the baby including premie clothes...I must admit seeing those tiny clothes nearly broke my heart. My other sister-in-law Rachel left her own kids with her husband to spend the night at my in-laws to help with Alex in the night... She woke up about every two hrs last night... This has definitely harder for her than Lucas.

It breaks my heart to know that Lucas is going to miss his last two weeks of preschool that he loves so much and the swim lessons we signed him up for in June. Breaks my heart to see how torn and worried Eric is about me and the baby and what in the world he is going to do about work plus the cold he was just barely got over is back. Plus just even with so much family and wonderful support here how long will the kids survive away from home.... I so want the baby to grow as big as possible before coming but I am so ready to be all done and back home all 5 of us.

Thank you all for your support and I am so grateful for this outlet to vent as I really do try and be too strong and tough sometimes... Letting the tears flow while I type this has been wonderful. And now I just need to publish this and stop rereading it so I will stop crying.

Vacation & baby Part ii

i was not trying to leave anyone hanging, I just needed a nap. If you have not read the Previous post the Do's and don'ts of vacation scroll down and read that first!!!

And sorry for any weird formatting issues for some reason Blogger is only allowing me to type in the HTML view on the iPad. But just glad I have this.

So to continue...

The Dr came in and talked with me. He said that about 50% of women who' water breaks this early will labor and there is not much you can do, the rest may hold off for a few days and the rest even longer. He said at this point it is best not to try and stop labor as labor is often the bodies way of letting you know there is an infection or could be some complications. Luckily all of my blood work came back good and there aren't any infections so I am just in the, they have no idea why it happened category. At this point they gave me a steroid shot to help with the baby's lung development. One of the ideals would be for me to make it 48 hrs so the steroids could have full affect.

So they took me down for an ultrasound and also an echo; when the cardiologist on call heard that I have Shone's syndrome he was all excited. That is often one of the Jeopardy questions he creates at their Dr's yearly party as it will stump even most cardiologists. So I was in a room with the ultrasound machine and the echo machine being teamed up on at times. My heart looks great and the baby looked great. He was measuring at 32 weeks and 4 days or 4 lbs and 5 oz, so almost a week big for his age, so that is wonderful news. So all was looking good but I was continuing to leave puddles behind everywhere I went.

So the evening went on. Eric and I watched the American Idol results, so glad Lee is still on by the way, and then we tried to get some sleep. I decided I did not need to be tough and asked for some pain meds. But before they could give me any they had to check me. But since I am so early and they not wanting to bring in any infection or progress things... They don't do it the regally way.. Ladies Just think of the pap smear equipment just a little more painful. Luckily I was only 1 cm so they gave me some meds. The Dr today told me he called back at 9:30 fully expecting me to have had the baby.

As it went into the late hrs the contractions while still intense seemed to spread out more and more and I finally stopped leaking fluids. And around 1:00 A.M. With a second exam and seeing I was still at 1 cm they were able to give me some more long term acting meds. and I slept for 5 straight hours.

Today the contractions are coming even less frequently and the baby is still looking great; plus after 24 hrs I was able to eat! Since they thought they were going to have to do the c-section soon i could not have anything. But I got a light/clear breakfast then a totally normal lunch. so tonight they are going to move me to a less intrusive room where they will still check on me but not as frequently and now ideally we are hoping to make it two more weeks at which time (34 weeks) they will take the baby.

So this was obviously not my plan. But I am truly at peace with things. I think I also am half still half in denial and am sure I will break down sometime soon. But for now things are going as good as they could be in the circumstances. It is a wonderful newer hospital with incredible staff and my amazing in-laws are taking care of our kids. The hard part is going to be figuring out what Eric is going to do with work.. But we are just waiting to see what happens with baby first..oh who's name is Ryder by the way.

I am sure I will be blogging more as I am just stuck laying in a hospital bed for possibly two weeks. Please keep me and Ryder in your prayers.

The Do's and Don'ts of Vacation

Well I know it is only Thursday and I said I was going to wait until we got back to blog again, but plans have drastically changed.

First to hold you off in suspense a little longer. A few rules and recaps
1) do celebrate the joy and happiness of both kids doing extremely well on a ten hour car trip
2) do be so happy that the kids are cousins are getting along great
3) do grumble and complain about the 50 degree weather (i want my 80's back)
4) do enjoy a morning temple session--oh wait back that boat up, that is when the excitement begins

Wednesday Eric, his dad and his sister Rachel went to the Jordan River temple to enjoy a morning session. On the way into the temple I felt like I leaked a little... But it was one of those huh? Not much I think everything is fine moments. Went in a changed into my temple dress; for those not of my faith while in the temple everyone wears white to symbolize purity and cleanliness. I went in for the session and was feeling fine. I went to stand up at one point and water came trickling down my leg. I was soon sitting again wondering what I should do; I still was not having any contractions and the trickling stopped. I said a silent prayer and was filled with a peace and reassurance that everything would be okay. Several minutes later I stood up again and water came much faster than a trickle this time. I turned to my sister-in-law and said I am leaking I have to go. I went into the isle and waved for Eric to follow me. I think my water broke I told him as we left the room. "how exciting!" one of the temple workers commented, "no it is too soon, I am only 31 weeks" I replied.

She quickly escorted us through the temple, I could feel my dress getting wetter and wetter. I hurried to the locker room and changed into my regular dress, then Eric and I took off for the hospital. We went to the ER, which was pleasantly empty, and when I told
them how far along I was they quickly wisked me back. They took me to Triage to check me out, while I was changing into those lovely
hospital gowns the nurse said based on the amount of fluid on the wheel chair they were just going to admit me. Luckily I went through my
first half of my pregnancy with Lucas in Utah so I was already in the system.

They got me all hooked up to the monitors and not only had I lost a lot of fluid but I was contracting pretty regularly.

((Part II can be read here))