A celebration of goaltenders allowing really terrible goals

I’ve always been fascinated by bad goals. You know the kind – the ones where the puck goes in, you immediately start swearing at your TV either out of frustration or amazement, and we get an extended zoom-in on the goaltender while his teammates all turn and skate away in disgust without even acknowledging he exists.

Bad goals have always been a part of hockey, but if anything they’ve become even more interesting over the course of the Dead Puck era. An entire generation of defense-first coaches have worked to squeeze the offense out of the sport, desperately trying to turn every game into a 2-1 slog of blocked shots and neutral zone turnovers. And they’ve mostly succeeded. But every now and then, all that planning goes out the window because some puck that barely seemed worth paying attention to suddenly winds up in the back of the net.

We almost got one for the ages last week in Boston. With the Bruins and Blue Jackets fighting through a crucial overtime, a harmless looking dump-in from center ice suddenly took an unexpected bounce and very nearly slipped past Sergei Bobrovsky. Only a lunging glove save kept the Blue Jackets goalie from being on every highlight reel for the next decade.

The #NHLBruins dump the puck in and it takes a funky bounce, but Bobrovsky makes the save #CBJ pic.twitter.com/YVFVIilbj9

— Shayna (@hayyyshayyy) April 28, 2019

So close. But don’t worry, bad goal fans. There’s still lots of playoffs left to add a few entries to the list. It’s only a matter of time.

In the meantime, let’s get organized. Here are 10 types of terrible goals that are all sorts of fun to see, as long as you’re not a goaltender.

Type 1: The long-distance bouncer

This is the one that nearly got Bobrovsky. Somebody lobs one in from center ice, it takes a few bounces, and suddenly everyone realizes that the goalie is in trouble.

Victims of the long-distance bouncer include Sebastien Caron and Cam Talbot, but they’re not alone; we see one of these a few times a season. And of course, there’s the most famous example of them all, the one you were probably thinking about as soon as you saw the headline on this post …

Here’s the thing: These shots are way tougher than they look. I’m not even entirely convinced we should call them bad goals. Pucks aren’t designed to bounce in a predictable way, and if you can land one just right in front of a goalie, they basically have no choice but to get as big as they can and hope the hockey gods are on their side. And every now and then, they’re not.

Put it this way: There’s no save that has a higher degree of difficulty and a lower level of sympathy if you fail. We don’t expect goalies to be able to adjust and make saves on shots that were deflected by a skate or a stick right in front of them. But when the ice is doing the deflecting, there’s no mercy.

If I was in the NHL, I’d be taking these shots all the time. I’d be staying late and practicing them, trying to get them to land in just the right spot and with just enough spin. Honestly, it might be my shootout move.

Type 2: The long-distance boomer

The more-advanced cousin of our first type of bad goal, this one looks like a much tougher save even though it probably shouldn’t be. There’s no bounce or deflection here, just a guy winding up from long range and straight-up drilling it.

We can get into a bit of a gray area here; personally, I’d argue that Steve Yzerman’s laser beam winner against Jon Casey back in 1996 wasn’t a bad goal at all, but rather one of the greatest shots in hockey history. But Owen Nolan’s bomb from center ice a few years later? Yeah, that’s a bad goal.

Dan Cloutier never really lived down giving up a crucial playoff goal to Nicklas Lidstrom back in 2002, although that one’s on the borderline of Type 1 and Type 2 because Lidstrom skipped it. Other Canucks goalies haven’t had that excuse, although at least that one didn’t come in the playoffs. But they can happen to the best of them and even show up in the middle of some of the great goaltending runs of all-time.

>> Read the full post at The Athletic

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Grab Bag: The problem with letting the players police the game

In the Friday Grab Bag:
- If you want players to police the game, be honest about what that means
- I have suggestions to improve the only good page on the NHL web site
- An obscure player from maybe the greatest stat spoiler I've ever seen.
- The week's three comedy stars
- And a look back at a wild 1998 line brawl and goalie fight

>> Read the full post at The Athletic

Grab Bag: Crazy like a Fox

In the final Friday Grab Bag of the season:
- MLB's "players' weekend" concept could never work in the NHL... unless we made this one simple change.
- Thoughts on NBC's new schedule, and how it disrespects your favorite team
- An obscure player who may or may not be Tommy Salo
- The week's three comedy stars
- And a look back at that time that Michael J. Fox made a hockey movie for David Letterman and it got weird

>> Read the full post at Vice Sports

In celebration of the truly terrible goal

Jonathan Bernier had an interesting night last week. On Thursday, his Toronto Maple Leafs were hosting the Arizona Coyotes, and they weren’t playing especially well. Through two periods they’d been badly outplayed, surrendering 32 shots on goal. But Bernier had been flawless and was almost single-handedly responsible for his team clinging to a 1-0 lead as the third period began.

And then, this happened …

This isn’t the first time Bernier has been caught napping, and it might not even be the worst goal he’s ever given up. And if they’re being honest, most goalies have been there. Hockey is a funny game, and sometimes even the best goaltender has a momentary lapse, or a brain cramp, or just plain bad luck.

And so today we’re going to take some time to celebrate the terrible goal. And by celebrate, of course, I mean rate, using an arbitrary scale I made up just now. We’re going to look at 10 of the worst goals from hockey history and rate them based on the following criteria:

Ugliness: Pretty self-explanatory. How bad did it look? And more importantly, how hard did you laugh?

Importance: When it comes to bad goals, the “when” can be every bit as important as the “how.” A bad goal in the second period of a meaningless game isn’t the same as one that happens in overtime or a Game 7.

Notoriety: For whatever reason, some awful goals are largely forgiven, while others stick to a goalie forever, like a bad rash.

We’ll rate the goals in each category before assigning a final overall score, which won’t be an actual average, because this is a nonscientific exercise and I’m basically pulling these numbers out of the air.

By the way, this isn’t meant to be an exhaustive list — I’m sure fans of every NHL team can remember a few stinkers that don’t appear below. I’ve also limited the list to goals that are available on YouTube,¹ since having access to the visual evidence is most of the fun here.

Vesa Toskala’s 197-footer

Ugliness: 8.8/10. It would be just about impossible to give up a goal from any farther away than this masterpiece. You could argue that it’s a tougher play than it looks like — note the way announcer Joe Bowen’s voice betrays a rising sense of panic as the puck starts bouncing — and the last hop really is a crazy one when you see it from the behind-the-net angle. But in real time, this was unbelievably bad, and that’s how everyone remembers it.

Importance: 2.6/10. This was from an Islanders-Leafs regular-season game in March that the Leafs still ended up winning. It didn’t really matter.

Notoriety: 9.9/10. This has become the gold standard for awful goals, so much so that “Toskala” was trending across Canada immediately after Bernier’s gaffe Thursday. Toskala was awful in Toronto, and while you could argue that this goal isn’t even his worst — at least he didn’t direct it into his own net — it’s the one that will always come to mind when his name is mentioned.

Overall: 8.3/10. Like we said, this one has become the gold standard. But should it be? Let’s run through some other candidates.

Sebastien Caron Goes Full Toskala

Ugliness: 8.7/10. This is basically a carbon copy of Toskala’s effort (although if you want to get technical, this one actually came first). That bounce at the end is brutal — you can almost imagine Caron’s slow-motion “Noooo” as he slides helplessly in the wrong direction.

Importance: 2.3/10. This is a March game between the two worst teams in the conference. I’m pretty sure I’ve scored more important goals in NHL ’94.

Notoriety: 4.2/10. Maybe it’s just me, but I had no recollection of this happening until I started researching this post. Sorry to blow your cover, Sebastien.

Overall: 6.3/10. A fun side note: Caron was also on the ice for another awful goal that season; he was in the Penguins’ net when Maxime Talbot scored this monstrosity against Flyers goalie Antero Niittymaki. It was the first goal of Talbot’s career.

Tim Thomas Whiffs

Ugliness: 8.9/10. This is pretty comical — there’s no bad bounce, no equipment problem, no fluke distraction. Thomas just tries to sweep the puck, whiffs completely, and watches it trickle in through his legs.

Importance: 5.3/10. This was another regular-season game in March, and it didn’t mean much to the last-place Bruins. But the Devils were in a battle for the top spot in a tight Atlantic, and this win ended up making the difference between them finishing first and third.

Notoriety: 4.5/10. Thomas would do this every now and then — this 80-foot overtime winner against the Caps results in one of the great Losing Goalie Sprints of all time. But on the list of things Tim Thomas is notorious for, I’m not sure this goal cracks the top 10.

Overall: 6.8/10. Apparently, NHL goalies on bad teams have a real problem staying focused during games in March. Doesn’t anyone give up terrible goals on opening night anymore? Oh, wait …

>> Read the full post on Grantland

Do's and Don'ts for your upcoming NHL arbitration hearing

A frustrated Mark Fraser reacts to the eighth time
his hearing is interrupted by a confused Dave
Nonis asking "Wait, there's a salary cap?"

There's not much going on in the NHL world these days, as we're reached the slow part of the offseason. Most of the major free agents have signed, the trade rumor mill has slowed to a crawl, and training camp is still too far away to get excited about.

But at least we still have arbitration... kind of. While it's true that most cases get settled in advance and hearings have become far less common in recent years, there are still usually a handful of cases heard each offseason. This year saw 21 players file, with six of those cases still unsettled and scheduled to go to an arbitrator over the next few weeks.

If you happen to be one of those six players, you're in luck. I've consulted with my various sources in the legal community, and come up the following list of do's and don'ts to help you win your NHL arbitration case.

DO: Think carefully about whether you wish to file for a one-year or a two-year contract, since the latter is a more significant commitment to the team.
DO NOT: Be distracted when every time you mention a two-year deal, Lou Lamoriello continually nudges you in the ribs while saying "Unless you randomly decide to retire" while repeatedly winking.

DO: Ensure that you will arrive on time by confirming that you have clear directions to the location of the hearing.
DO NOT: Let Tim Leiweke plan your route for you, no matter how awesome he keeps telling you it would be.

DO: Remind the arbitrator that you're a considered a great guy in the dressing room.
DO NOT: Mention that time you helped your teammates murder Justin Bieber for stepping on the team logo, because you all agreed to never speak of that day again.

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2012 World Championships preview

The new "Canada has to play without sticks
to make it fair" rule got mixed reviews.

Hockey fans never seem quite sure how to feel about the World Championships. On the one hand, international hockey is always entertaining. On the other, it can be difficult to get too excited about a competition that takes place right as the NHL playoffs are kicking into high gear.

This year's tournament, which got underway yesterday, is being co-hosted by Finland and Sweden. And as always, most of the coverage has focused as much on the intrigue around which players would accept invitations to represent their countries. With the roster still in flux even after the tournament starts, it can be tough to separate the also-rans from the contenders.

Here's a closer look at the six countries favored to take home the medals.

Russia

Team outlook: While the roster does feature Evgeni Malkin and Pavel Dastyuk, experts agree that the lack of a third-line center could be a major issue for the 30 or 40 seconds a game that they'll need one.
Key player: Team officials can't figure out why Ilya Bryzgalov hasn't shown up yet, since based on a look at his stats from the first round the Flyers clearly lost in four straight.
Prediction: While the players acknowledge that being under a microscope is just part of playing for Russia internationally, they're still not sure why Barry Trotz keeps showing up at their hotel and asking the front desk if he can have a look at their key cards.

Sweden

Team outlook: As always, the players will focus on the three tenets of Swedish international hockey: a high-tempo offense, a team-wide commitment to defense, and skating by their goaltender every few seconds to yell "Hey, just making sure but you're not Tommy Salo, right?"
Key player: Pekka Rinne, since he was kind enough to make sure the entire Detroit Red Wings roster was available.
Prediction: Daniel Alfredsson finds himself hoping for a matchup against Canada in Stockholm, since it would be a nice change of pace to play a home game against a team wearing maple leafs without being booed.

Read the rest of this post...

Other NHL player grievances

Wait, I signed where?

The big news in hockey this week was the NHLPA's filing of a grievance against the league on behalf of Ilya Kovalchuk. The move will pit the association against the NHL in an arbitration hearing to determine the legality of Kovalchuk's controversial 17-year, $102 million contract with the New Jersey Devils.

But as it turns out, that wasn't all that the players wanted to get off their chests. In fact, the Kovalchuk situation was just one of several complaints the players would like to see addressed. And in an attempt to be as efficient as possible, the league has encouraged the NHLPA to consolidate all of their grievances into one single master list.

Well, that list was leaked to me this week. And the interest of keeping fans informed I'm publishing it here.

• Although we’ve made our feelings crystal clear on the matter over the years, there are still between 20 to 25 players at any given time who are being forced to play in Edmonton.
  
  
• Due to difficult economic times, Philadelphia Flyer fans are now pelting our wives and children with pennies and nickels, instead of the much lighter dimes they used to throw.
  
  
• Can't quite put our finger on it, but something just doesn't feel right about the way Gary Bettman drives around town in his brand new sports car with the personalized plates that read "ESCROW".
  
  
• It's not really fair that so many of us have to work all through May and June, while the players in Toronto get those months off every year.
  
  
• The league should abandon its plan to replace the current steroid testing program (in which a league official asks players "Hey, none of you use steroids, right?") with a much more comprehensive system (in which the official will also be allowed to raise an eyebrow and ask "Are you sure?").
  
  
• Hey, you know what would be completely awesome? If we all stopped hitting each other in the groin with slapshots! (Grievance suggested by Sami Salo.)
  
  
• Veteran players on minimum-salary deals have consistently pointed out that the current CBA is structured to provide massive contracts to a handful of elite players at the expense of the overall group. So can we pass some sort of rule making it illegal for those guys to talk anymore?
  
  
• No matter how loud we yell or how much we wave our arms around, those stupid mascots always aim their hotdog cannons into the upper deck instead.
  
  
• This Sidney Crosby kid out in Pittsburgh tries really hard and is a super nice guy, and we all just wish the hockey media would find a way to mention him every now and then.
  
  
• The current maximum roster size rules significantly reduce our overall earnings potential by artificially limiting the number of players who can receive idiotic free agent offers from Glen Sather.
  
  
• No matter how many times it happens, it still really bothers Mike Richards first thing every morning when he plods down the stairs in his bathrobe, takes a sip of coffee, and then throws open his kitchen curtains to find Pierre McGuire smiling creepily into his window.
  
  
• Every now and then we hear some fan trying to get the wave started. But when we climb into the stands and beat him to death with our sticks, suddenly we're the bad guys.
  
  
• We pretty much all agree that Glashow's objection to string theory on the basis of not being sufficiently predictive is unconvincing given that the theory clearly satisfies the Popperian criterion of falsifiability, so shut up about it already, Boogard.
  
  
• We don't want to identify the team, but let's just say that players from one particular franchise are deeply concerned that their GM's recent roster moves might indicate that he took too many shots to the head while growing up with his five hockey playing brothers.
  
  
• We must continue to institute tougher rules to prevent players from elbowing each other into unconsciousness, and get back to just punching each other into unconsciousness the way God intended.