They say that true love is when you love someone or something without expecting any form of reciprocity from the other party. Or rather, true love only occurs when you love someone or something in spite of already knowing that there will be no reciprocity from the other party.

You love him/her/it just because you just do. At the end of the day, you know that what matters the most is his/her/its happiness.

As to your question, which by the way went unanswered (if you actually bother to recall), I have two things to say. Firstly, in the long run if this is how it was meant to pan out then sooner or later I'll just have to pick myself up and carry on with life anyway. I might drag my feet as I go but I'll still go on somehow. Secondly, who cares? Do you actually care? Even if the answer was 'yes' or 'no', what would you have done anyway? It doesn't matter, no one cares - certainly not you.

Sometimes I like to tell myself I am not meant for other things; rather, I am destined for greater things in life. I am better than this, and I certainly hope life has much better and more meaningful things in store for me.

All I know is that I have been as honest and as sincere as I can ever be, and I have given my all within the constraints presented to me. If you feel you now know who I am, the least I could say is at least I'm not pretending to be who I am not and what I can never be.

Kekasihku, hanya aku yang memuja sisa cinta ini.

vietnam regrets

Nothing but deep regrets.

I feel that I don't think I'll ever come across someone as special as you are. I somehow think you are amazing in your own ways. I hope you know that you are really something special. But well, I suppose I don't deserve to be with you. I'm pathetic, I'm immature, I'm foolish. You'll never read this I guess, but I want to state here categorically that I do like you with all of my heart. I tried, but at the end of the day the biggest impediment was my own self. What I am, what I stand for. Which is really sad I feel.

It's sad, but this will take some time. I wish things weren't this way, but I suppose I deserve this in a way. Sometimes I wish I wasn't what I am like. I question sometimes why I was created this way, why. It's not that I'm not happy with who I am and what I stand for - it's just it seems that my kind of character is a little bit hard to digest. Especially by those who matter most to me.

And all I had wished for was just a simple photo with you.

Still harder getting up, getting dressed, living with this regret.

Sonny

What is my purpose in this world, and what is my destiny?

I know I was created for two things at least - in service towards God, and also as a caliph to take charge of this earth. But these are general reasons for all mankind.

What is my own purpose in creating me, in the creation of Yusri? I know not. This is like in 'I, Robot', one of my most favourite movies of all time. Sonny was different from the other robots - the material he was constructed with was more dense. In the end it was revealed that he could penetrate some material that normal robots could not, and retrieve the nanites. It was said to him this was his destiny, but at the end of the show he did question himself again on his own destiny.

I like the movie a lot - because despite it being about robots and technology, it has a lot of human elements that I like. Like the question of purpose and destiny. Sonny was created differently than other robots - why? He was created differently - with what in mind?

I am turning 27 this year - yet I don't know what I am meant to be. I think I've gone through a lot, and still I don't know what is my purpose and what is my destiny.

What am I, even? I've always felt that I'm very different - to the extent of being peculiar. Physical defects, character eccentricities and quirks (or defects even). I was just never meant to be able to do certain things. I just cannot display a certain type of character or quality.

Which is sad. There's been many a disappointment thus far. Personally and professionally. I have been limited by how I have been created. Which is sad. I can never be like _______ or like ________ because I was meant to be special or unique in this sense - but it means that I am not like them as well.

I am me. But sometimes I wish I could be like someone else. I envy many other people because of the qualities that they have. With that, they are a different person. And of course, because of that they attract people. On a more damning note, they attract the people that I want to attract. And of course, it is the kind of people I could never attract - because of my supposed character deficiencies. Because I'm not 'cool' enough. I'm not 'mature' enough. Whatever

I just wasn't born to be like that. I was meant to be like this. I suppose there are reasons why I am created like this. And at the end of the day, I am resigned to the fate that I was meant to live out life as being me, and not as some other people I aspire to be like or am envious of.

But I have a slight beef with people who pacify themselves by saying God has better things in store for you if this time round you are rejected or disappointed or defeated. I mean come on man, it could be that you receive your just desserts, or that it is one of the ways in which God tests your faith. Why must such things be reasoned along that line of logic? It seems to me that it is a way to pour self-pity on yourself, in the hope that eventually things will turn out right or it will turn out better.

I am still sad, I am still down. I don't know where my life is heading towards. Since 2012 never answered my life questions, 2013 has to be that year then. Although I honestly do not feel enthusiastic about 2013. Or life in general. I don't know what is going to happen to me.

Sometimes I wish things were different. I wish there were someone who would understand my fears and concerns, but I find it hard to want to tell anyone because of the complex nature of things. So I have no choice but to keep it to myself.

I'm still on that path of finding myself.

On another note, I really wonder why it all didn't work out, or get past to an advanced stage. I want answers, but it seems that to you it's a non-issue.

I am not excited about travelling next week. Which is sad.

And all those days we spent out by the lake, has it all gone to waste?

The last time I blogged was 16 months ago.

I must start by saying I do not like December. December has traditionally never been kind to me. One problem is that since December marks the end of the calendar year, it always has to involve with something that I have had to leave behind while we move on to January of the following year. 10 years ago in December I had my heart broken. 9 years ago my heart was broken again. 5 years ago, the same thing happened as well. Unfortunately this year it happened again.

I want to feel sorry for myself. Maybe I deserve such heartbreak. Do people deserve to get hurt? I suppose not. But those who hurt other people would probably get hurt themselves eventually. I think it's now my turn to suffer the heartbreak. I think it's really sad. I'm 26 and I'm still having such problems as if I was still in my teenage years. What would I give to lead a peaceful and calm life.

You know, I gave you the world - literally speaking. But I think that even if I had given you the moon, it would never change things. I don't know if you really care. I know you say you do. You say you can actually put yourself in my shoes and think from my perspective. I find it quite an amazing claim, because I don't think I am so predictable. I wonder if you really think you know me that much? I think I am different with different people. I still feel that I never got that real chance with you, but you think otherwise. What was I supposed to do? We started off on a bad note. I sorted out myself, as you said you wish I would do. You said I was being selfish all the time, and that I never actually cared for your feelings. How am I supposed to react to that? I kept my distance from you because I know you never liked me and I didn't want to make you feel so uncomfortable. I thought that after some cooling-off time we could pick things up slowly again.

But now you say your perspectives have changed. I think, it's not your perspective that has changed - it's you who has changed. Really. I can feel it. Somehow over the examination period and the break I somehow felt something would be amiss. I first held out hope that it was only me over-thinking, but after much observing it does seem like you don't care already. It hurt a lot to realise that you were avoiding me on purpose. I could see it through and through, but I guess you have the right to do so.

I think it's really sad. I would like to think of myself as someone who can be sweet, who cares, who wants to look out for you, who wants to share my life with you, and hope that you would share your life with me. Look at how the past four months have changed us - we've turned from good friends to strangers. Maybe you don't hurt, but I am hurting that's for sure. It's difficult. I hardly had the chance to really spend time with you during the semester, and I really hoped that the holidays would give us the opportunity. Now it just seems like awkwardness is the order of the day.

I wonder where it all went wrong. You say you cannot bring yourself to like me. I suppose the fault lies somewhere within me then. I think it's called a manufacturing defect in your eyes. Well I'm sorry then on my part. I can't help it. I don't know where the fault lies, I suppose even if you tell me it would still not matter anyway.

I suppose you shouldn't and cannot force yourself, and I would be selfish on my part. But maybe I was hoping for too much. I travelled out of here just to clear my mind. I never really told anyone actually what I went through. Throughout the trip I felt and saw signs that I should move on to actually like you. And I think I did. I tried. I spent four days and three nights on your birthday gifts. Honestly I did it because of two things - one, because I can, since I had the time, and two - because I want to. I simply wanted to do something nice for you but it's not like I wanted to impress you anyway. My gifts were corny. And I know that for you no amount of effort would probably move you. I just wanted to tell you that I did all of that just because of you.

I never once asked you to like me back. I hope you know that. All I wanted was time - time with you, time to get to know you better. But now even that is all lost. Lost forever, I think. Which is sad and rather unfortunate. The past year has been a very difficult one for me. And to see that it has to end this way, I can't help but feel sorry for myself. I cannot fault myself for not trying - I think I tried my best in spite of the extenuating circumstances that made things difficult and tricky for me. Maybe this wasn't meant to be.

Maybe you deserve better people. I admit my deficiencies. I've told you how envious I am of certain guys. I can never be like them. I will forever be plain old Yusri. Nothing spectacular, nothing worthy of note. But I suppose I was created this way for a reason. I admit I'm weird, to the point of being queer. Even my little cousins can tell me straight to my face that I'm weird. But it's okay. I believe that somehow in spite of such odds I can make it in life somehow. My destiny is yet to be found, so my journey is still long. I hope you find your destiny as well.

Today I lost count of how many times I've teared/cried. Yet in spite of that I managed to finish what I was supposed to finish - my literature review section. It's been a sad and lonely day, and the following days will pretty much be the same. I guess my life is sad, but it's okay. I try to get by slowly, step-by-step. I suppose this is how things will end then. I'm sorry I've been a pest in your life then. I hope you go on to achieve the best in your life. I'm truly sorry for everything.

Loving you - that's what I was trying to do.

masters

It's been eons since I've blogged. Almost 9 months I think.

For much of the first half of 2011 I got caught up with so much work. From December all the way to the last day of March, I was practically just spending my time working on the honours thesis. Indeed, that period was one of the most trying I've had. The only class I had was rhetoric in politics, in which I parodied Chaplin for my presentation in class. That was such an awesome get-up and performance in my own opinion. I fought in IVP, but lost in the second round (all this while the day and night before I was struggling to finish the references and bibliography for my thesis). In any case NUS emerged overall champions, which was really a remarkable achievement! (considering how badly we did last year). 2 days after my rhetoric exam paper I flew off to Macau and Hong Kong for my 1st grad trip with the Fatcampers. In effect I missed the GE2011, though I did try hard to stay up as late as I could in Hong Kong for the results. 2 days after getting back home from Hong Kong it was off to Jogjakarta with the guys. At the end of May I received my results and thankfully I got A- for both the honours thesis and for rhetoric, which was really more than what I was earnestly hoping for. June passed without any notable events really, and July was when I had my commencement and I went to KL to catch Arsenal in action against the Malaysian national team.

And now what? I'm doing graduate studies in NUS too. Well, the feeling of being an undergraduate and a graduate is different for sure. I hope the next 2 years will be kind to me, because it's been a stop-start experience for so far. On some days I feel justified about why I chose to continue studying, on others I just feel that it might have been a serious mistake. But I push on nevertheless - the next 2 years of my life has been determined, and I hope those two years spent along this path shall be justified. I take this leap of faith into the unknown, maybe having to face my baptism of fire soon enough. Somehow I will get through all of this, I hope and I pray.

I don't know why I blogged today. As a form of escapism, probably? My 3 month break consisted of so many things - holidays, training sessions, researching. Very many ups and downs. Maybe more down than up. Rather, the scale of the down completely outweigh all the ups. I can't deny I'm affected deeply. I figured the whole disappointment thing would dissipate but apparently it hasn't. It rears its ugly head now and then, and it makes me feel like crap from time to time. The cahiers de doléances might be quite long, but maybe it is my destiny that all this has had to happen.

Maybe I am destined for other things. From an egoistical perspective, maybe I am destined for better things.

History repeats itself - first time as tragedy, second time as farce.

Should I just keep chasing pavements even if it leads to nowhere?

the last time i blogged was about two-and-a-half months ago. i assure you since then, a lot of thigs have happened. it's just that i've never found the will to blog.

so here i am on xmas eve, in school supposedly to do research for the thesis but what the heck. it's coming on at a really slow pace, but at least i've tried to start finding the books and journals and the newspaper articles. finding them is easy, but to actually pore through them and pick out their arguments... well let's just say even watching blackburn rovers against west ham is much less excruciating.

so the whole exam period came and went, and i admit i've never been so unmotivated to study as i was this time round. it was all about going through the motion, just getting by unspectacularly, especially after what was a tough semester. during the study period i found it very very hard to get myself to concentrate on revising even though i was in school. it got the point where i preferred the preceding period when i typed essays away at a rate of 2000 words per day. like a machine just churning out words and words, in total i typed around 28000 words in the last semester alone. not that i really want to relive those moments again, and i'm more relieved that the semester came as fast as it went. thankfully my cap did not dip by much. next semester hopefully will be more relaxed. just one module and the thesis to work on, and i hope the last semester to be the most fulfilling yet enjoyable one.

2 days before my first paper my paternal grandma left this world. i was already in school actually and surfing away on the laptop while trying to summon my reserves to get myself to begin studying when i got the call. so the whole day was spent with my relatives getting things done for her final journey. i've never been close to her, and i think only my eldest cousin was the only one close to her. still it's saddening to hear all the wailing all around, to see a loved one being buried in the earth, to see the face of death right in front of you. it's been 11 years since my maternal grandpa died too, so it's been quite some time since i've experienced death in family. nowadays i feel i'm always reminded more of death in many ways. which is good i think. i try to slow down the speed of my prayers, and i try to make sure i don't miss any of them. of course i think i still do a lot more bad than i do good. but still i think the thought of death, that one day passed means another day nearer towards death, is good. in life we all want to do good, to be good people, and to make sure our lives have been well spent doing things that are worthwhile.

speaking of christmas, does everyone really celebrate christmas? especially in singapore. if we base it on whether shops still operate on christmas, well i suppose we don't really do so. based on this then the only holiday that we celebrate is chinese new year! the eve of chinese new year is always a half day for most shops, and then they close for the first 2 days of the lunar new year. so i don't really understand the big commercialisation thing and the hype that accompanies christmas, especially in singapore. i wonder if this is really how the christians and the catholics really celebrate christmas, or is this how they really want it to be?

sometimes i wonder if we are overdoing things - to the point where they lose their meaning. what's the point of people showing off in the new paper their collection of agnes b, hermes or prada bags when in that same paper there are stories of people living day by day just trying to get by? why is there still demand for upper class type of shopping centres (like the recently-opened knightsbridge), when more and more people are struggling to pay off their home loans, and more and more people are sinking in poverty? for a response paper assignment in class my professor asked whether vote-buying in elections are democratic or otherwise. in the end i said so what if it's democratic or not? what matters that even if vote-buying might be undemocratic at least the payment that politicians award to their constituents (be it direct cash in hand, or public utility works that benefit all in the community) will go a long way in relieving the immediate crises that poor families face. maybe it's because i wasn't born into wealth, that's why i don't understand what is the big deal of having the need to flash your ridiculous wealth and such. but i think increasing materialism, which affects everyone, be it the working, the middle or the upper classes, suggests a more hollow type of life that we are living. which is sad honestly.

well, i think this my last blog post of the year. so till next year, happy new year to all readers!

p.s. especially to that someone who once said you are a fan of my blog, i really wonder if you actually still follow my blog. haha. in any case happy new year to you too!

the light you bring falls on me.

rainy

today started off very badly.

i woke up feeling deflated and then dejected. then it was raining heavily. i left home slightly earlier than usual but i still arrived in school late. though many more were late. but the journey to school was painful. i've never seen jurong east mrt packed with people up till half of the platform. it was so bad. i could only board the connecting train to clementi at the 5th attempt. and the announcements that kept playing was 'please wait for the next train if you are unable to board the train, thank you.' like duh, damn it. why must they rub it in? then you know when you reach the bus stop and everyone is trying to squeeze under the shelter, then there will be these rude or lazy idiots who wont close their umbrella while walking under shelters and they will just poke everyone with their umbrellas, forgetting that most of the time they are shorter than average and their lazy ass arms are too lazy to extend higher so that the umbrella won't bang into anyone else. what a lousy and sleepy start to the day.

and in class everyone was just complaining about the 8K essay that we had to submit today, but i'm just glad it's done and over with. to the next essay, and then exams, and then research, then back to school, then the essays, the exams...

i don't know why people like to be 18. like when it's their birthday they try to fool themselves by saying that no i'm not like 35 but i want to be 18. do people want to be 18 because of the looks or because of the lack of responsibilities when you're 18 years of age? 18 or 24 or 35 i think it's almost all the same - welcome to the grown-up ages. if so i'd rather go back to my primary school days. like when i was 10 or something. so carefree, so fun life was. just rushing home after school to catch the cartoons on tv, or to go play that catching game me and friends always did at the playground near my house. that's where i banged into the concrete wall and a tiny part of my front tooth got chipped off. and yes the chipped off part is still there. ah, the memories.

and out of all this, am i asking for too much? i don't know if i am, but pray, you can tell me if i am.

'cause i'm broken when i'm lonesome.