Your work is not your own.

Anthony Bourdain is riding a horse in a fox hunt on tv in the background as I write this, and it seems very appropriate for this post. Anthony basically says that the idea of an old-fashioned fox hunt is to chase the fox around until it's cornered into a hole, and then leave it completely freaked out.

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So today I went to see my new therapist.

I gave her the short (less than 1 hour) version of some of the things that have happened leading up to my current crisis of wondering just how much soul I have to sell to get a job around here.

In short: some of the things I told her made her look like the back of her head was going to blow off.

As in, if forced to deal with some of the things I've dealt with, her head would literally explode.

At the end of our session, she said she learned a few things from me about how science really works.

Really? I guess if I leave science having educated a few people about the reality of scientific research, that's a contribution to society... of some sort.

[Still thinking about writing that tell-all book, when all else fails. It would include edited versions of blog posts. If nothing else, I might get some, I don't know, revenge?

Damn that would be a fun way to burn bridges. ]

Interestingly, she said that much of what I've experienced from my "colleagues" both in my own lab and when trying to publish my work "could be considered hazing".

Hazing. Well yeah that does describe it pretty well. Good to have a word for it, I guess, and some validation of my perception that it was, you know, unnecessary and brutal.

It calls to mind that quote from someone about how senior scientists are "eating their young."

You biologists out there know that this happens. Rats and mice eat their offspring quite often in the lab; frogs eat their own fertilized eggs, etc. So you might not think about how fucked up it is.

Just think about that analogy in all its grisly glory for a moment. Parents picking their children's cartilage out of their teeth.

That's what PIs do to their postdocs.

Just think, why do we let them do this to us?

That's your cartilage. Those are my bones they're using to pick their teeth.

Speaking of young, my new therapist was also surprised to hear about this concept that postdocs nowadays are usually accused of not having our own ideas or enough independence from their advisors, but especially women postdocs.

She was trying to suggest that I should try to be my advisor's best collaborator, instead of viewing it as a soon-to-be competitive relationship. I was explaining that I still don't trust my advisor, that I really think my advisor would like nothing more than for me to quit science, because then my project ... is no longer my project.

Then I explained that, even if that weren't a major concern, if I did get a job I wouldn't want to collaborate with my manipulative, dishonest boss... also because continuing to publish with one's former advisor doesn't really count towards helping you get tenure since it makes you look anything but independent.

But I was thinking again about this idea of owning your work.

My project was my idea. My advisor not only did not come up with it, my advisor did not support it. Did not believe it. Has fought me every step of the way... until now. Now my advisor believes me.

Know what that means? Say it with me, kids:

"First they ignore you, then they laugh at you, then they fight you...
... then they say it was their idea."

The idea of other people working on it, and of my advisor getting credit for it, makes me want to shoot myself in the head.

(I'm in favor of gun laws, because if I had a gun I would have shot myself a long time ago.)

Today I also happened to get confirmation that my paranoias are, so far as I've been able to learn, right on target. Totally unprompted, one of the postdocs volunteered to me that our advisor basically planned to have him work on ... aspects of my project when I leave.

Yep. I knew that. But I was kind of hoping I was just being paranoid.

So I'm feeling like the whole "crazy like a fox" thing is really not a good state of mind to be in. Or else I'm doing it wrong. Is there a better way to hide in a hole and freak out than I'm doing right now?

Things to do today.

1. Wait for advisor.
2. Wait for collaborators.
3. Look through job ads?
4. Read papers?
5. Plan experiments?
6. Online shopping?

Drinking to excess is frowned upon on Mondays.

But I might do it anyway.

What I need right now is a good, hard black out. I've never blacked out, ever, and I think I'm long overdue.

Sort of like a hard reboot. So what if some of the hard drive gets wiped? There are a few things in my memory banks that I could do without.

As justification for alcohol on a weekday, let's see, which was more annoying today?

1. Stupid comments from people saying that I'm too whiny.

Check.

Fuck off, people. It's a blog. How sad is your life that you're writing a comment here saying I sound whiny? Don't you have anything better to do?

2. Stupid questions at work.

Not too many of those today, actually. Phew. What a relief. Only one or two.

3. Stupid emails from people sending me shitty-ass data and saying it looks great.

Check. Haven't responded to those yet. Must drink first and get my Constructive Feedback hat on (aka beer goggles for data).

4. Not having enough time to deal with very basic things in my personal life.

Check.

Still need to figure out latest health insurance changes nonsense; still have not dealt with car (see several blog posts over the last several months, car will probably blow up before I do anything about it).

5. News that my 'peers' who lack even basic pipetting skills are somehow careening past me on the roller rink of jobs.

Check.

Yeah, that one really deserves a drink. I soooo wish I could blog more details about that, because it's a great testament to black comedy, the things I've seen these people do in lab and still get high impact papers. In-fucking-credible.

And with that happy thought, I'm outta here for the day. Fuck off, y'all.

Slow day.

Maybe because I was tired, got no data and nothing interesting happened, today felt about a thousand hours long.

And yet, here we are and it's almost over.

Now the big debate: stick around just for appearances? Maybe just a little longer.

Drag self to the gym? Definitely should.

Go to bed early? Really, really want to.

It could be worse.

Did not sleep well last night, so I dragged myself to lab today feeling tired, achy, and old before my time.

Did a few necessary things before checking my email, and then I had to laugh.

My mother wrote me: a laundry list of various ailments afflicting almost all the members of my family. Nothing too serious or surprising, just lots of moaning and groaning.

So yeah, complaining runs in my family.

And reading that made me feel relatively healthy by comparison!

Prioritizing.

I'm trying to brainstorm a list of what I need to do and in what order.

1. Nag the advisor via email (check).

2. Nag the advisor in person.

3. Prioritize experiments to do sooner (making use of available equipment, etc. things that are available now, should take advantage of those).

4. Prioritize experiments to do for funding (e.g. to get necessarily preliminary data for future grant applications on the assumption that I will move to a new location and have no equipment for a while).

5. Catch up on reading. Must deplete accumulated piles.

6. Submit abstract(s) for meeting(s).

7. Exercise to the point of exhaustion (so as to avoid screaming at advisor).

8. Random personal errands (oil change for car; hair cut for head; pants altered, etc.)

9. Clean up desk.

10. Clean up desk at home.

11. Skype with old friends (hey, kind of counts as job networking??)

12. Read blogs (= mental health, see above under #7 so as to avoid screaming at advisor).


As you can see I've done #1 and #12 already. Maybe I'll do #9 next. This is my usual order of procrastinating. Then maybe #6??

I will not scream at my advisor. I will not scream at my advisor. I will not quit. I will not quit. I will not run screaming from the campus and go work at a coffee shop. I will not run screaming from the campus and go work at a coffee shop. I will not. I will not.

Dear Google

Dear Google,

I know it's early for their release, but I am desperately in need of your two new applications, Google House and Google Car. You see, I cannot locate my university ID, and while it is a mostly useless object, right now I need it. I can't figure out where it is but I'm pretty sure it's in my house or my car. I'm thinking that since Google can find anything, if I could just google search those places it would solve my problem.

Thank you.

Sincerely,

MsPhD

That's why they call it work.

Yeah, I didn't want to come in today, but I had to.

I have a list of things I need to do. Usually it helps to have a list, to just go down the list and check this off as they get done.

Some of them are less painful than others. Some can be put off, but a couple can't.

I can cross one off the list so far, and now I have to go do the other one.

Then comes the hard part: getting through the rest of the afternoon.

I am so tempted to go home.

Some of the things I need to do today I could do at home. Sometimes I find I get more done at home than in lab anyway.

But if I go home today, I won't do any more work. I'm sure of that.

The weekend was unsatisfying. It wasn't relaxing and I didn't get any work done, so all in all it was just kind of a waste of time.

So I dragged myself in today, expecting the whole day to be one big long battle to get anything done, since none of the things I need to do are fun.

That's what they call it work.

Then I ran into the Tormentor and didn't manage to escape without getting some bullshit on me (out out damn spot!).

I also ran into someone who has been serving on a search committee here, who started to rant at me (at me! Holy crap if he only knew) about how they can't get any "good" people for their department.

I started to tell him there is no shortage of postdoc talent, and the real problem is with how they choose who is "good."

Luckily someone interrupted before I gave him a big piece of my mind (!).

I'm trying to shake it off. I wasn't in a good mood to begin with, and really didn't want to come in, but now I'm angry on top of it.

Grrr. I know this is why it's called "work", and the fact that I'm redoing experiments because they didn't work is called "re-search" for a reason, but gosh darnit I could use some more fun.

An inauspicious start.

I packed up my lunch
And charged up my phone
And then I left them
Both at home.

Monday Inertia.

I have plans for things to do today.

I mean, I had plans. So far I'm not doing them.

Lately I notice that when I run into a friend and they ask me how I'm doing, it depresses me more to stop and talk to them than to just mumble something about being busy, give the fake sucking-it-up smile, nod in a friendly way, and keep going wherever I'm going.

This doesn't mean I don't wish I had more friends or that I didn't get to talk to them more. But talking about how work is going, especially while I'm at work, seems to be de-motivating.

I'm really feeling a lot of "damned if I do and damned if I don't" lately. I'm doing a lot of things for show that I know are a waste of time, scientifically, because they're supposed to help me politically. But there's no guarantee that they will.

I was talking to a grad student this weekend who is depressed by the lack of guarantees. She said if things were more finite, if her advisor were capable of devising a project that had a practical chance of working and of helping her when she got stuck, she would be more likely to want to stay. But the lack of job prospects afterwards makes her think it's not worth it.

Amusingly, there is a seminar series here designed to raise awareness of 'alternative careers.' This sounds like a great idea in theory, but she said every single speaker seemed miserable in their job. The patent lawyers, the people from industry, the science journalists, all of them. So none of the alternative uses for a PhD makes it seem useful to finish getting a PhD.

So she wants to quit. She's already been here long enough that she should have a paper, if not at least a good start on one, and she has nothing. She's been frustrated for a long time, and things haven't been getting better.

Her advisor is one of those, you know the type.

Gradstudent: "My ___ isn't working."

MsPhD: "How are you doing it?"

Gradstudent:"I'm using the A-B."

MsPhD:"Why are you doing it that way? That will never work."

Gradstudent:"I know. It wasn't working using the X-Y, so I told my advisor, and he said I should use the A-B. But I know the A-B won't work, and I tried to tell him why, but he doesn't believe me. So now I have to do it just to show him it won't work."

MsPhD:"Well, here's my protocol. Do it this way, I promise it will work. Then it's up to you whether you want to tell your advisor what you ended up doing. You can still pretend you're doing it his way if you have to."

Gradstudent:"Thanks, yeah, I think I will."

MsPhD:"Will what?"

Gradstudent:"Do it your way, but pretend I did it using his."

So at this point her options are to a) switch labs, b) suffer through, c) quit. Sad to say but she's so miserable, I told her that if she wants to quit now, she should quit.

I couldn't honestly tell her that it gets better. I told her that it doesn't, and that the reasons for it sucking won't change anytime soon.

The irony of all this is that one of the most important things to me is to be a role model, to boost up my female colleagues when they're down, and set a good example. However, as I've mentioned here before, on at least one occasion I was rebuked for being 'too honest' with some of the younger women about how hard it is and how you shouldn't do it if you're not sure you love research. It was a male professor who told me that I shouldn't discourage these poor girls, but I found out later that his behavior toward me is more discouraging toward the women around here than anything I've said about my frustrations.

As much as my failures depress me because I'm not meeting my goals and because much of it is out of my control, it's even more depressing to see these younger women quitting because they're watching what is happening to me. I'm a negative example without wanting to be. But I don't really see any alternatives.

All I can do is a) fight back (tried that, it doesn't work), b) quit, c) try to rise above it all.

Unfortunately both (b )and (c) end up being bad examples, and (a) is a trap that will end up getting me forced out of here.

Hmm. Happy thoughts for a Monday.

Time to go redo the experiments that didn't work over the weekend.

1. Place forehead against brick wall.
2. Push.

Woke up early.

Had a song stuck in my head, and problems regulating body temperature.

So I got up. And then I read blogs for, dear god, like 2 hours. Since when do I have such an attention span???

But hey, compliments to the blogs I was reading.

Anyway, I am not a morning person, so it must be pms. Grrr.

Have a long day ahead, with timepoints in the evening that I can't put off doing any longer.

But now it's too late to go back to bed, or rather, I could try but then I suspect I won't be able to get up when the alarm rings. But I might try anyway, because I'm still not awake enough to actually do any work that requires analytical thinking.

Ugh. Not good for a Monday. Not good at all.

Here's hoping the new coffee we bought will make this all go away when I try to actually wake up in an hour.

You're never too old to be greedy for credit.

Email on Mondays always sucks.

People who said they'd do certain things didn't do them, or in some cases completely canceled their plans to do them at all, ever.

Other people are emailing to ask why certain things haven't gotten done yet, but you know damn well it's because of the other people who just emailed to say they can't/won't follow through on what they promised.

Meanwhile I'm getting emails asking for volunteers to do things I've already done, so I have to re-send old emails reminding everyone that I've done them and that we need to move on and do all the other things on our lists.

You know, the usual.

But the crowning moment of the day was this:

In editing a very rough draft of a manuscript, my advisor noted where I had put "Schmo, J. 200x" as the reference instead of "Schmo, J and Advisor, Greedy 200x".

Joe Schmo had not published any other manuscripts that year, so I thought this was kind of a moot point, and instead a rather hilarious show of what sorts of things Advisor actually notices.

Nevermind that Advisor is incredibly accomplished, tenured, very well respected and not hurting for funding or papers.

I found this especially funny since the correct citation is actually "Schmo, J. et al. 200x" and Advisor's name would not appear at all when it is listed as such.