holding on to what i haven't got

Let's not find it so hard to keep everything together.

just. let. it. GO.

September

Finally got to know that song I've been wanting to find out.

It's how ironic that the title is September, by Earth, Wind & Fire.

& frankly speaking, ihateseptember.

Every year, something horriblyterribly huge happens in this month. In a bad way. In some way I'll never forget. Something or someone important/huge/i treasure disappears.

& of cos, Oktober shines because of gloomyemo September.

Usually.

But I think it's difficult to be happy again. This time round. After all those times.

Maybe I can never get over the fact of losing something. Because it's not worth all that I've sacrificed, all that I've gone through. & it sucks cos I actually only got over last September this year. Honestly, I can't believe I still held some hope all those months. & people who say it shows that the past was meaningful & worthwhile since you cared for so long? It is fucking untrue. 'Cos it's no longer there anymore. Whether the past was meaningful or not. I used to be a believer in living by the moment and being immersed in short-lived happiness. But not anymore.

'Cos memories are haunting. Sekrets of the past will come back and throw you off-guard. & I don't wanna lose anything more in the present due to the past.

home is where the heart is.

hello world.

this is my 56th day in Lund. & today is one of those days I miss everything back there in my sunny island.

a few hours ago i was skyping mummy & bro, planning our italy trip together. i felt happy knowing that i'd be seeing them in 2 month's time! its still quite a long while before that but it'd be something nice to look forward to (:

yesterday i randomly online-texted my happy friend & it feels so good to hear from her. & that she's gonna get ray to sneak us into universal studios when he gets a job there. i love everyone's complaints about the sweltering heat in Singapore because I miss it so much. and the complainee of course (:

im glad everything doesn't seem distant from me, despite the geographical distance apart. i love the constant email threads, the random facebook wall posts and the silly comments on the peektures.

sometimes it still feels a little surreal that im right here, right now. as much as i wished everyone i love would be soaking this all up with me, im glad for all the new-found friendships here! & i know that these people would be a new group of friends that calls for regular meet-ups when we return to our dear sunny island (:

that day, L commented that i seemed like someone who's genuinely contented and satisfied with all that i have. & frankly speaking, i couldn't agree more.

at least for now (:

philophobia

hahaha that's one word i know that pottie doesn't. funshinetan winsssss! for once. and it's more for the emotional attachment, not the love.

paranormal activity last friday put me in a state of suspense. cos i kept wondering when the ghost was gonna appear.

2012 today was armageddonly exciting.

school has finally ended. i've got two papers to go. and i'll be done with nus for the sem, for the year, for next sem. till 2010's summer is over.

it has been so rainy these days. i wish i was always at home, rather than being caught in the rain everytime im heading to school or back.

i hate being the older one but not acting like i am. i hate being myself and not being accepted. sometimes i think nothing i do is ever enough cos im never who you expect me to be. but that's just the way i am.

and im still who i am. when the sky is going to collapse someone will lift it up for me.

my heart has no conscience

words are free

feelings are costly

#195.
some things we don't talk about rather do without and just hold the smile

4 July 2009
8:55pm

yellow bee honey dear sweetheart darling baby child toy transformers bumblebee yo-yo walk the dog maid susan charmaine

who's that is she the gf from whatever country?

hahaha.
hi sh, that should be the way you know. say for fun, and don't really mean them.

i didn't follow my instincts.
i chose to be out of control.
haha probably because i cared and cos you kept asking.
SS for SSF.

#194.
he says

2 July
3:34pm

"if you cannot put your heart into it, take yourself out of it."

#192.
he's so cute

20 June 2009
4:44pm



i sleep so much nowadays. woke close to 11 today and mummy said she wanted sandwiches at quiznos. and guess what, when we got there the lady told us that their ovens were under servicing today! !@#$%^&*( when we were heading to the car, we saw fatimah!!!! i mean fandi, it was a guy. luckily we put coupons. but i always tear like 20 minutes in advance of cos i was scared! but all was fine goodie.

no quiznos, so we went to maxwell for chicken rice. the q was so longgggg. and after we parked, we saw fatimah! goodness. and parking in the city area's 1 dollar per half hour. im beginning to think what bestest said is true. first i get into trouble with a meanie plain clothes police man who issued me a 70 dollars fine because of illegal parking (but he was really out to get me i hope my appeal goes thru). then was the security guard at bestest's place two days in a row. and today i keep seeing all those traffic police everywhere. O and zp's hundred dollars fine during his visit. i feel so bad.

we went to get those awesome cheese tarts at craig road after that. and mummy's cooking dinner today YAY. i miss home cooked food and eating at home.

im addicted to 'Don't Trust Me' by 3OH!3. it has the crappiest lyrics but manly and i love it HAHAHA. i said SHUSH GIRL SHUT YOUR LIPSSS..do the helen keller and talk with your hips. the lyrics are ridiculous and mean but it is a crazy song.

and i decided that i've been tipped off my equilibrium and nothing can restore it back so i might as well play along to my liking.

#192.
the time traveler's wife

19 June 2009
11:04pm

"it's hard being left behind… It’s hard to be the one who stays."
- the time traveler's wife

i forgot when my SSF began to mean so much to me. a little too overwhelming. a little unexpected. or is it that i finally acknowledge this and that goodbye is all too soon.

we should stop comparing whose heart is broken more easily.
you confirm lose.

i can't wait for canoe polo training camp. it's gonna be tiring, but awesome. i miss camps.

#191.
so you sailed away, into the grey sky morning

17 June 2009
2:08am

i must constantly remind myself that everything doesn't matter anymore.
whether it was ever special or not,
whether i had ever fallen for it.
that's why i can say everything and anything without meaning them.

sorry is not-at-all-powerful. cos it doesn't mean a lot to me.
having nothing to say is O-so-powerful. its so mysterious and i really love it cos i love everything ambiguous which is awesome cos i don't even wanna wonder about it. and my goodbye friend is so good at this.

you know, i haven't been so true to myself in a long long time.
i speak my mind.
i acknowledge my emotions.
im beginning to think that's my new way of damage control.

finally, for the first time, i didn't get what i wanted. i missed it by abit.

haha please scold me for being emo. this is totally not the point of moving my blog. i suddenly think that as long as i dont change, im caught in this vicious cycle. i wanna be like pottie. i don't need any outlets. im fine being by myself, being my own outlet. im gonna have to try!

#190.
golden lion tamarin

11 June 2009
3:56PM

i've been playing this zoo game on facebook and the first animal that gave birth was the tamarin.
mister S is obsessed over the game. he actually woke up at 4am to check if his lion gave birth. and it did. hahaha.


goodbye delicious ambiguity.
hello sekret supplies.
six words. but they make one awesome summary.

actually i miss the old site.

the weather is insane.

i wish everything could be better. EVERYTHING.

#174.

your very tired.
you should go to sleep!
fasterrrrrrr.


funshine,
be fine.

#153.

here i am in my cosy little penguin igloo, hugging my purple elephant and having pop-pish christmas songs playing on my itunes. i moved the family's favourite adjustable wooden chair into the room and lined it with pillows so im so comfy now i can sleep in the chair tonight (:

this week has been sort of a stay-home week. i think i watched more tv than i've ever did for all the time this year before this week. i am nocturnal funshine on alternate days. but coffee at 9 oclock just now might change that fact.

i dunno why the christmas songs are sounding emo. im definitely not exactly emo. ok fine im emo. and appalled at how much i've changed this year. or rather, surprised at people's perspective of me. i dunno if theirs a changed perepective or it has always been like that. i wonder if i made myself out to be this fun loving, this letsjustplaydontcare mentality, this spontaneous about almost everything. i don't see anything bad about this, or whether im losing myself or changing for the better or the worse cos they don't matter to me. for the zillionth time, i really do not know what i want. but i know what i don't.

it appears that i've always been good at maintaining relationships with people. i believed so but i know i suck more and more at doing so. some people think it's difficult to keep a group of people together. hell no. it's possible. mebbe not easy but definitely not some uphill task. it's whether you want it or not. sometimes we promise to meet up and keep in touch but how often do we keep to those promises? some relationships are circumstantial. we've got to live with that. but not all friendships are like that. i've to admit that i am a terrible friend this year. im lazy. i ask myself why is it always me? why can't he do it? why isn't it her? you, you and you are part of this whole thing too. so i just let it slip by. there are even times when people put in the effort to organise something and i decline the invitation. not so often but it happened. when it never did last time. and i wonder whatever happened to me.

i need alot of MEtime. which i've failed to give myself for years. my days fly by with all my going outs, trng times, long phone calls, msn convos, darling sleeptime and of cos school, which i think i very much neglected until exam time. im glad i put familytime high high up all this while. mebbe except that period of time. my parents were how understanding i realised recently. the many family dinners i missed. they hardly said anything. except when ahma said why haven't i been at dinner for some time. i'll never let this happen again. and part of me cannot forgive myself for that. and perhaps this sets a whole new criteria for the non-existent you (:

fantamazing taiwan on monday. im sorry to say im not exactly very excited. i dunno why. mebbe im just not used to staying at home so much. my parents think it's weird to have me at home so much. my mummy complains that my temper's getting worse and worse and goes into her lecture on is staying at home that frustrating for you. it's not. just leave me to do my things. i sleep, i cook, i eat, i read, i watch. actually recently i've been having minimal communication with people. im really lazy to keep up. im almost giving up. it's gone if you don't try on your part.

#149.



emo nemo days.

papa and mummy went to collect my phone cover for me.
and they bought haagen dazs back too.
ice cream is the way to my heart?
hahaha.
it kind of melts together with all the anger and frustration.

happy ord to all the happy people who got back your ICs today.
so long..

#148.

the terrible flu and phlegmy cough ):
im public enemy number 1 in the house. and they think i created the enmity.

getting irritable easily. probably cos im sick.
probably cos exams are nearing.

mood index hit a bottom low. kang came over for subway lunch last week. and i was asking them what we were asked during biz comm class.

have you ever ate outside alone?
have you ever went shopping alone? meaning go out with the intention of browsing, trying stuff on etc. and not just buy and go.
have you ever watched a movie alone?

wj and kang were surprised my answers were yes to all!
there's still this quiet kid in me. despite giving the impression that i always have many people around me. back then in primary school, the form teacher commented every year in the report book for me to speak up more cos i was way too quiet.

SEE!

i love the 五月天 album (:
and their emo --> highness songs.
and i especially love the beginning of 突然好想你


最怕空气突然安静 最怕朋友突然的关心
最怕回忆 突然翻滚绞痛着 不平息
最怕突然听到你的消息

(:

i showed this chunk to zp and he said see already also gaowei.
HAHAHA. certainly certainly.
the lyrics are like how nice!
and the way zp expresses himself is like how funny!

mcgriddles morning tmr with wj & jacq (:
happy birthday chen yi ming (:
35 days to our fantamazing taiwan (:

#141.

hello you.
it has been a year. i hope you're well and good.

and hello another you,
is this a quick ending to a no beginning.

#134.

never should have chosen to be happy; never should have.

that is, if we were even happy.

to tell the truth, i liked our status. unofficial. no expectations. i have someone to think about, to worry about and to text whenever i need to. and someone to spoil me, you know, making me the centre of attention. these weren't expectations. they came naturally and you know it. you say nice-ness is a bonus for friends. i agree. that's why i liked how we were. no obligations.

we were happy.

but obviously i know we were simply delaying something which was inevitable.

because we were happy, comfortably happy, i chose to delay. of cos you didn't know i felt that way. and i didn't know how much harm this delay would cause. but it has to come one day.

i think we got sick of each other. gradually. we weren't so happy anymore.

i mean, friends don't see each other that often. that's why there is something known as Friends Forever.

how can we ever be Friends Forever when we see each other at least five times a week. when we're... well, just friends.

so came the inevitable. i still can't figure who got sick of who first. or perhaps we both felt tired. on my part, it might be the expectations surfacing. when i knew i had expectations, i also figured it was time to let things go. firstly cos friends shouldn't have too much of those. secondly and most importantly, you were fucking afraid of expectations.

have you heard of No Friends After Breakup? see, we were never really friends. its amazing how things progressed after It. and i wonder if you actually believed it might work. i never did. but i was happy and comfortable with you around. so i thought why not.

but i was right all along, wasn't i?

we = NO CONCLUSION.

and we never will have.

cos you don't want one.

and you've got to wake up from the past. and stop thinking too much about the future. WHERE'S THE PRESENT?

see, we're so different. i'm such a live by the moment kind of person. again, it's amazing how we could spend so much happy comfortable times together.

i hate how you're linked to my most favourite thing on earth now. but i still wish you could be there for us. for professional reasons of course.

on the personal basis, unless a miracle happens, we'll never be the same again. ever. cos you knew i would only say Sorry if i really meant it. so you should never have said I Love You if you didn't mean it.

and of course, stop saying that you meant it at that moment.

come on, i've got too many fleeting moments in my life. i believe i know how such moments are like. don't even try to defend.

yup, and this is how i got over the whole damn thing.

feeling angry.

feel that there's no fucking worth in even saving the friendship cos you don't seem to care at all.

good job funshine.

and i could only leave funshine with you. like really leave it with you.

#130.

hello you.

are you psychic?

like when i sign in on msn, and before i can check who is online for me to rant to, the window pops up with your "Hello =)"

and like when im terribly bored from studying, suddenly my self-proclaimed scary message alert tone plays and my handphone reads "Message from ___"

i wish these could happen more often.

but this is a fucking selfish thought.

i hate how im using your concern and attention to keep myself occupied.

i hate myself for telling you no, i dont like you to do this and no, i dont like you to do that,

when i have absolutely no right to.

im seriously fucking damn selfish.

mebbe this thing we have is exclusive.

or is it not.

its causing me to impose all my selfish thoughts and actions on you.

and its detrimental to myself, especially when you reciprocate.

such a confusing relationship.

but i cant help it, sorry you.

because you're the one who changed me.