In Search of Lost Innocence

Hi all, I am shifting back to Wordpress! Haha. Things are kinda shitty right now, so I would really appreciate a place where I don't have to censor my thoughts. So as I don't know who you creepy stalkers are, it's not safe for me to say a lot of things here. And I don't know how to lock posts either -.- So lalala, ask me for my new add if you are interested to continue stalking! Cheers, Yong Xiang

What if, Just what if, I really can't do without you? Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.8

Didn't really enjoy today as much I wanted to. Done.

There are a few people I hate extremely in my life now. Give me a chance, I will kill them. Trust me, I will. Life has been chaotic to the highest level possible. I am tired too. I m going to skip my lesson tml just to stay at home and complete my essay. For the first time in NTU, I didn't complete my assignment before the last day. Well done Peck, what the hell is wrong with you? There are 2 more essays coming and I have no idea how to deal with them. Die. I managed to shut off my feelings and deal with things objectively. But I probably can't do this everyday. I need to know what I am, if I am anything at all.

Seriously, just shut the fuck up already. There is this stupid rock concert going on downstairs at my park. It has been blasting non-existent music and all I can hear is people shouting nonsense. It has lasted for the whole of today. Bloody hell, I need some peace and quiet. Who organised such things in neighbourhood parks anyway??? Swimming is like my only respite now. I didn't use to like it so much, but now it just makes me feel good when I am in the water. Probably because it makes me feel so much lighter. HAHA. Then again, it's only you and the water when you are there. It somehow makes the time stop running. And really, I cannot stand certain people. They are getting on nerves increasingly easy nowadays. All these hypocrites.

hey people, how's life? Haha. That's like my most common question to everyone nowadays. Hope everyone's doing fine. Last month has been pretty hectic for everyone, at least those I know. Hopefully things have settled down a little for them. I couldn't talk to everyone of you, but my ear is always available to whine to. hahaha. Well, as for me, things have pretty much settled down too. Some things were ironed out pretty clearly, so good for me I guess. And thanks for all those who kind of pulled me through things. Hahaha. They were right, and it reconfirmed what I felt. So yup, things have settled down and so did I. I only live once, don't I? Can't always be thinking for other people. I had mobilisation today. The army hasn't advance after 3 years. Protocol pretty much limit every common sensical decision we have to make. And seriously, I don't feel like defending civilians after today. Let me tell you why. I was late for mobilisation, thanks to some cock...

Recess week is officially over. This is probably the first recess that I failed to do a single thing. HAHAHA. Not that I care but this means I need to start doing it now. -.- I have a quiz later in the morning, and, seriously, I ain't prepared at all. Just intend to head inside and write rubbish. And good luck to you peeps for your essays and work. I know you guys/girls haven't done anything as well. HAHA. I went for a cycling trip on Saturday. It was a painstaking trip to Changi Village from East Coast. Thunderstorm accompanied us all the way. I cracked my butt for 6 hours just for a plate of Nasi Lemak in Changi. But I guess the company makes all the difference. These little kids are really quite nice to be with. And no, not becoz I am hitting on them but they are just like little sisters to me. Well, at least I am glad to have child-like people around me. Can't be serious all the time right? Haha I am still grateful, considering I am like the only senior they still hang ...

The things said in the morning were selfish and unfair. I had an awesome day out yesterday with the Psych clique. Corrine's mum cooked lunch for us and it was like a VIP 7-course meal. Haha. There was duck, steamed fish etc. You know, those stuffs you find in restaurant. And it's been sometime since I taught someone mahjong. Teaching her is. well, an one-of-a-kind experience. Damn funny. We headed out for XLB buffet at crystal jade Holland V. Almost burst my stomach. So much for aiming at 10 baskets of XLB. Hahaha. In the end, I had diarrhea. Must be karma. They are really very nice to me. Haha despite only meeting up with them for lessons and project, we grew quite close, separately. I mean when we went for exchange a few of us grew closer and hence yeah. I am just glad for them in my life now. Haha. Especially Corrine, saving me a lot of time and bus fare. HAHA. But yeah I do feel guilt towards them, so I am kind of trying to make up for it. Yeah and they told me bikinis are ...

On nights like this, I wish hard for things to go back to normal. Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.7

Recess week has officially started. Have been doing nothing except swimming and swimming. On a good note, I lost 4 kg, and my tummy doesn't look as round. Hahaha. Been hitting the pool a lot recently. More than I want to actually, but yeah. There was a storm today, and it felt pretty good actually. Drowning in everything. Will be spending the day tml with the psych people. Seriously, I depend on them on keeping myself sane nowadays. Hahaha. Then again, I am struggling, not that anyone cares anyway, but yeah. Looking forward to tomorrow. Have 1 essay and a quiz coming up after recess week. It's considered little compared to others, so I am quite glad. But it's really hard to start studying in recess week. I wish this week doesn't end. I bet everyone does too. Hahaha. Quite random tonight.

Recess week is finally here. Had a terrible presentation on Thursday, but nonetheless the dinner afterwards was enjoyable. I really didn't expect myself to hang out with them. So did they actually. But I guess it's really fortunate that I get to know them. I actually click with them better than the rest of the cohort. So I guess this module I was dreading is actually turning out to be great. They said I looked so 'dao', so I decided I should be friendlier whenever I see the psych people. Haha. IT fair is, as usual, amazing in its many ways. Wei yen wanted to get stuff so I tagged along. It turned out that I bought more stuff than he did. Sales are really tempting. Hard to resist the urge to buy everything in sight. Oh and I saw this Dell laptop selling at $799 with specifications better than what I have now. I decided to hold it off till after I get my allowance. Who knows what $799 might get me then? Hahaha. I think I had enough. Not in the bad way. But I think I under...

I have got a huge-ass presentation tomorrow and I am quite nervous about it. Haven't really prepared myself adequately for it. To make things worse, tomorrow's my longest day and I have to dress up formally for the presentation. Well at least, we are going to celebrate after the presentation. Hahaha. And recess week is coming =) I might be joining HSS FOC as a programmer again. They approached me cause they lacked people. I have to work with a year 1... so I am not so sure. Kids piss me off. I have started to look for tuition. So that I can start taking my bike lessons soon. If not I have no idea when will it start. Kang isn't exactly the motivating type. I would have celebrated my 60th birthday if I waited for him to force me to go. Memories from US trip started pouring in. Really missed the carefree lifestyle and new people I always meet daily. As well as the free-flow food which resulted in me having to go on diet now. Haha. Swimming is a great sport really. Anyone want ...

I really want to commit suicide. So, so tired of everything. Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.7

Actually, deep down inside, I never regretted this r/s. Although there was tough times, it was, really enjoyable. With you, nothing else seemed to matter. Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.7

I will be going away for a while. Take care till then. Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.7

I went for my first baby shower today. My army sergeant had a pair of twins. Haha. They are non-identical though, so it's a boy and a girl, which kind of make it even sweeter. Well, I wish them all the best and hope they grow up to be magnificent individuals. I managed to meet up with my army colleagues. Some of which couldn't remember my name. They all knew me as 'Peck', so other than that, they have trouble remembering which 'xiang' I was. I guess people do move on with their lives. Some do remember and reminisce the past, while some, I don't know just chose not to. After a seemingly disappointing week, I managed to hook up my laptop to my old LCD monitor. Well, so I am staring at another screen while using my laptop. This also means that I won't be able to bring it to school. School is going to suck on Thursday. But well, it still means I can still use it till it really breaks down.

Things aren't going well, at least for today. Both my legs threaten to drown me in the middle of the pool today. I guess no one really cares anyway, but it's quite a scary experience. They just cramped up all together at a shot. I decided to give up after just 9 laps. That's really bad. My friends from Montfort were supposed to meet up with me today. But they all overslept. So I only got out of the house at 7.30p.m. I wasted my afternoon waiting for them. And as far as I know, being alone at home waiting for something to happen, isn't the best for me now. My lappie died on me. I have only half the screen left. It really chose a very wrong time to die on me. I could really use a distraction right now. Gaming or work. And my brother is blasting Paramore next door. Nice. Going out with them didn't help much. Their topics in conversations are boring. It's all about future, work, money, investments. My life is really in a mess right now. I can't focus on what...

Hey. I have quite a bit to say, but am unsure of what to pen down. Anyway, thank you to those of you who listened to me rant about my nonsensical issues and stuff. So yeah I am grateful there are still fantastic friends around me who.. well just gave me their ears. I must admit, I lost my cool quite a few times. It was.. ugly. So like what some of you have enlightened me on, things were, maybe, heading this way all along. In a relationship, I believe both parties are at fault for any issues, big or small. Communications or whatever, takes both person to be able to exist in the first place. I was really angry, and kind of hated her for all of these. Naturally, I blamed her, for almost everything. Well, it was like an anger displacement phase. Haha. I shouldn't have done that. Then again, having everything cooped up is quite unbearable. So yeah. She was right, we had our issues all along, but we didn't managed to resolve it. Maybe things wouldn't have been this way if both of...

I understand now. I am part of why everything failed. I can only blame myself for it. Okay laptop, I need you to start working. if not my presentation on thursday is screwed. I don't want to go to school again.

As much as I am not materialistic, it's still time for me to be practical. There are a lot of things I want to do now, but... I can't do any without money. No bike lessons, no new laptop, no holidays. I guess it's time to start working. On a side note, I haven't been this... happy for a while. Thanks =)

You are really different when you are with her. But I never ever will get the same treatment from you. At times like this, I understand why people will want to commit suicide.

Feels really good to have someone who understands me.

It just shows what kind of failure I am. She knows you for only 2 weeks, and she's able to make you tell her your problems. I known you for 2.5 years, but I don't get a single thing out of you. I guess I just failed. What a disgrace, peck. Go fuck yourself and die.

Actually I am more than fine already. What exactly and actually hurts still, is knowing that, she actually loves her now. So, as far as the things she had said about our r/s, it won't matter anymore now that her love is not around. I can really lock up this volume of fairytale away.

Hey peck, It's time to man up. The World doesn't revolve around someone who doesn't appreciate. Stop being a wuss and keep crawling back to her.

Tonight is the night, I cry. It is so uncontrollable I have no idea how to stop it. But tonight's the night. I managed to get it together and told a few psych peeps that I am single. They were all shocked and said I still looked so cheerful and happy. Indeed, I am always looking cheerful and cracking jokes when I get the chance. But I am actually feeling numb and lost. I can't even see sad, till tonight. Tonight I know about you and her. And from what I know, you do treat her better than me. You trust her more, you think she's nice, you try to be understanding towards her... all in all, you just treat her better than me. Even though she told on you about the secret you have been keeping, you are still trying your best to be understanding. Tonight you said that some behaviors of someone was ridiculous. It reflected your actions. I told you, you behaved like her. You agreed it's ridiculous. Tonight, it's the first time I actually hear from you that you like her. Tonig...

By being at home, I am actually fed more. This is bad. I wanted to lose weight but I might end up gaining more. Sigh. My family is in turmoil. I don't show it, but it is. I have no idea what to do. Sometimes, I want people to know but yet I don't want them to be bothered by it. It's like a dumb conflict with myself. Anyway the problem belongs to the previous generation, but somehow it's affecting my family a lot. I would take the matter into my own hands, but yeah the older generation will never trust 'kids' like us. Sometimes, I wonder do I have to start a family and stop living at this house for them to start treating me like an adult? I am going to be 24 this year. That's pretty much a quarter of my life, if I am lucky. But no sometimes I will just take orders from everyone else and just follow blindly. I guess I don't really have a say either. I finally started work, and went for a swim. It's pretty nice and relaxing to swim, just that swimming p...

I went swimming today. Actually I am starting on a lot of new things. I guess that's good for a start. Things are going to be fine. I know it will. I am not very good at this, but I am glad that there are friends around me at times like this. Maz, Nat, and the little kiddos. Don't know if you girls will ever see this. Thanks. =) Sidetrack a little, I am quite looking forward to shredding some fats and looking hotter. HAHA.

Fridays. Weird days to be at home. I love you. I really do. One year, two years, I will wait for you... but lying in wait while you are in the arms of others.. I might as well be dead. So I will just step aside for now. I haven't cried at all. Hope someday I will. Had a long project meeting yesterday. Seriously, I was in school till 10.30 pm. First time I actually did overtime for a project. My project mates turned out surprisingly nice. You know the ones that I don't like? They actually look up to me a lot. I was surprised that they said I belonged to one of the elites. Haha I almost laughed my ass off. But yeah, it was a nice turn of events I guess. Looks like forensic psych lessons won't be so boring after all. Decided to come up with a swimming regime. Hahaha. Sounds weird right? I know. People who know me already knew how fitness and I can never co-exist. I guess everything just needs a trigger. I am trying to find stuff to occupy myself with. Meaningful stuff. Even ga...

Life is not as good as it was before. It has been a hell of a past few days. Everything crumbled. What did I do wrong,? Why do I need to go through this? These questions just keep flooding in. I don't even know what's real, I don't even know what's going on at all even though I am heavily involved. I feel more like a supporting character in a play, just awaiting the cue and act accordingly to the lead actors. There are just so many things I can pick upon but it doesn't really matter. If things won't improve, then it won't. I don't really know what to expect anymore. It sucks. I hate her. I hate her for ruining everything. Fine, it can be my fault that it happened in the first place. But I hate her. I hate her guts and lack of ethics. There is so much anguish and rage I can just kill someone. Nobody has ever played out on me before. It sucks to know that things can so easily be shattered. It sucks to know that all my effort doesn't seem to pay off. It...

Hello I am back. Somewhat I missed this blog. Well, to be honest, it has went through pretty much most of the rough times I had in, probably the past 10 years. So I've got to be loyal, right? So I came back. I am still at a lost for words though. Actually, I've no idea what's really going on. Have been trying to figure out thoughts and fitting them into actions. It's already in my Year 3 2nd Semester. Wonder why and how things turned out this way. I can't decide what to feel. Just feel like putting everything on pause now. It's like I was never there all along. Sigh. See how it goes. =)