Despair

Disclaimer: Read if you want to. Treat it as a story if you have to. Just don't start having opinions on it because it wouldn't be fair to either one.

i am sick and tired. and so are you. what are your expectations of me?

you might be angry at me for doubting, but let me tell you something, i cant help it, with the way things are going, I CAN'T HELP IT but think of our future. because what seemed like a clear picture to me, is now blurry.

you tell me if i wont me able to keep my promises, then dont promise you with the things i say i would. after that incident, i have honoured my words. but tell me honey, what do you think of us right now?

im facing insecurity issues right now, and i bet you are too.

i dont know who's at fault here.

you always tell me how much this relationship means to you and when i start doubting, i start to feel bad because you said you never doubt. but then if this relationship means that much to you, then why arent things working out.

there are so many. just so many things i want to say.

you have no idea what happens to me after i send you off recently

i cry... because i wish we can have back our happy times and i always don't bear to see you leave

yet each time we meet, we have issues and problems with each other. what's that all about? i have a problem with you having a problem with me. vice versa

im tired honey
my baby
my dearest

im sinking
down
under

we've shed too much tears
far far too much
too often
too much emotions spent. wrong ones


it's not supposed to be happening if we're in love

the weight on me
stops me from breathing



this is the exams period. i pray that you do not read this message till your exams are over, but if you do happen to see it, just give ourselves a break and concentrate our studies. the last thing i want to do is to screw up your future



to the people reading this, it would be better if you kept comments to yourselves. this isn't smth i was supposed to share. but i feel so empty you see. no matter how much time we've given ourselves, how much effort we supposedly say we've given, its not working out. i'll keep trying no doubt about it. i'll honour my words to her. but this weight on me is crushing me slowly till one day i collapse. hopefully that day will never come.

and no, she did not betray me. we did not get into a heated argument. we did not start yelling our heads off. i did not slap her or punch her or send her flying to the hospital. i did not violate her.

so what the heck is this all about? i've no fucking idea. if i were to describe it into pure words and put it into a story, you'll probably find it utterly ridiculous to be so upset over all these things. it's not like im having an affair. its not like that at all. yet the simple truth will leave you confused, just as i have, for i dont know what to do

please tell me what to do

i know i love you
you probably know i love you
i do
i try
i try
i try
but sometimes im just so afraid it'll become
i tried

im scolding myself, how can i think this. but when it comes to the matters of the heart, you'll begin to think of everything. you might not feel the same, or might not believe in what i say. but these are my feeling whether you like it or not and my insecurities will always remain. the pressures on me unlifted. notice how often i talk using the "I" perspective? i would gladly like to say im selfish, to think for my own and not caring about how others feel. but i think i've tried to change. in all the situations, i try to think logically. giving the best logical answer. the textbook based answer which was probably written by me... mentally. i put aside my feelings to do so, because i dont want to let my feeling take control of me and hurt our relationship.

i know you've done that too. sometimes you'd sacrifice without me knowing. but it's so hard on us.

i've never cried so often
and so hard
in my 19 years
not during this journal entry
but in other occasions which you might not have known
and i probably din see you when you're down too

there's much i'll like to say. i even thought about writing a novel, on our relationship. or my endless thoughts.








to my best buddy chuanwei. im really glad you and WN worked things out. hope to meet you sometime.. it's been a long while hasnt it?

to my pally sinye, i know you're going through a rough patch and i still rmb our long bitchy chats from long ago, i've not forgotten you though it might seem i have. i wish you all the best with your love live, your school life, and your family life. sometimes i dont know how i'll handle myself if my family was having a circus in the living room.. chaotic

im ending things here as it is. there's not much point telling everybody my problems and making you feel sorry for me... or maybe not... either way, it's not supposed to happen.

my mum walked into the room while im typing this entry, confused at my red eyes leaking tears. she starts to ask why, and i ask her to leave me alone politely. this is the first time though, that she's seen me cry over my relationship, though she still doesnt know it yet.

and if you're confused
this is not Jerold
...
...
...
...

this is Despair