YOGA PANTS………….NO MORE

You might remember back a few months ago when I was wishin’ and hopin’ and twistin’ and bendin’ in yogurt yoga class. I had a few questions. Braja was kind enough to enlighten me and explain as best she could to an idiot novice such as myself. There was one question that Braja didn’t answer for me though.

What makes yoga pants……”yoga pants”?

At the time I asked this question, I didn’t own a pair and was wearing the same workout wear to yoga class that I wore to workout in the gym. Uninformed and clueless as to what to look for in a great pair of yoga pants, I set off on a shopping adventure. I landed at Old Navy where I found two pair of yoga pants that appeared to be the items for which I was searching. I knew they were “yoga pants” because it said so on the tag. I took the “yoga pants” into the dressing room and tried them on. That’s when I discovered the secret.

OH.MY.HEAVENS! If you you don’t own a pair of these pants, stop what you’re doing right now and in the name of all that is downward dog and sun salutations, go to the store and buy yourself a pair of these comfy, cozy, pieces of fabric sewn into the most heavenly item of clothing you will step into. Shhhhh. Can you hear the angels singing?

It wasn’t long after the purchase of the lovely yoga pants that I discovered pilates and yoga went out with the baby and the bathwater. I loved pilates. So now my “yoga pants” became “pilates pants”. The problem was that my work schedule was preventing me to get to the classes that I wanted to attend. That’s when the fam stepped up with the wii wii for Mother’s Day and now I can yoga to my heart’s content and then some.

Working out in the comfort and seclusion of your own home requires no special attire. I exercise in whatever suits my fancy. I soon found myself slipping into my “yoga pilates pants just to lounge around the house.

We had a little birthday party at my house for my brother-in-law, BrainBuckets. I was still in my work clothes when it was time to have cake. Just before the cake was served, I realized I couldn’t take my slacks one more second. And that’s when I discovered the true purpose of my favorite cozy pants. No more would I refer to these lovelies as “yoga pants”. I would no longer call them “pilates pants”. I excused myself to change into my CAKE PANTS!

These are the pants that you slip on when you’re going to eat cake. You know that feeling on Thanksgiving Day when you have to undo that top button on your pants or your skirt. Totally not necessary with “CAKE PANTS”!

Everyone should have at least two pair. (You wouldn’t want to be caught in a cake situation and have your only pair of CAKE PANTS in the laundry, right?)

If you haven’t discovered CAKE PANTS, go NOW and get yourself two pair. You will thank me. Life and cake as you know it will never be the same.

**Of course you realize that I don’t eat cake now that the South Beach Diet has wormed its evil ways into my lifestyle. I may not eat cake but I damn sure wear my CAKE PANTS and dream about red velvet yumminess with cream cheese frosting any time I please.***

Namaste

I’M THE WINNER! ………and the loser

Ladies and Gentlemen, things are looking up. I, Smart Mouth Broad, have won a prize. I never win anything. But those days are over………..because today…………I'm a WINNER! Last week, Midlife Slices posted a quiz on her blog. What she didn't tell us was that whoever answered the question correctly would win a prize. You just never know what leaving a comment will bring you. Well, it took me practically all day but I kept guessing and finally got the answer. We won't mention that not a lot of work got done at my desk that day.

My Harley Stud called me at work today to let me know a package had arrived at the house for me. I told him to open it. He recognized the Texas address and thought he heard something ticking inside said he thought I should open it myself since it was my prize.

Only the most beautiful cosmetic case ever!

And look! It's really three prizes in one!

Thanks, Midlife Slices! My cosmetics have never been housed so beautifully!

Things are certainly turning around. If I'm winning prizes, can economic recovery be far behind?

I also wanted to give you an update on my ongoing quest for fitness and the search for the lost physique of my youth. I've been a little embarrassed to mention this before now but remember that yoga class last week? Well………apparently there were muscles stretched and awakened that had been hibernating since the Stone Age. I've been suffering from muscle spasms in my back and neck since the following day. I've been on muscle relaxers and ibuprofen all weekend. Today, still feeling stiff and kinky (not like that, you pervs) I decided instead of self-medicating, I was going to shake it off at the gym by taking a Latin Impact class. I know……………………looking back it doesn't seem like such a good idea to me either.

First, if I haven't made this clear in the past, I live in South Florida where we have a huge Latin population. The instructor for this class is Hispanic. Every woman in the class seems to be of Latin descent. And in walks the WASP. But it wasn't my looks that made me stand out in the crowd.

The class began and it quickly became very clear that I have been gifted with amazing Latin dance moves no Latin hips. I seem to want to involve my torso too much when it's the hips that are supposed to be doing all the work. I can't dance free-style but if you give me choreography, I can learn anything. The problem is that learning the moves is one thing. Making them look good is quite another. The entire class is in Spanish. That certainly doesn't help. After 28 years of living in South Florida, I am fluent in a few select phrases. I can say "I'm sorry, Ma'am but *Spanish speaking co-worker* is not in the office now. Please call back later. Or "in 5 minutes." Or "tomorrow. " And I do it so well that Spanish speaking people will then launch into their entire story in Spanish at which point, I have to inform them in English that I'm done. That's all I know.

The instructor smiled at me a lot. Not the kind of smile that says, Bravo, SMB, you are doing awesome! Who knew you could move like that! No, that's not the look. This look is more……….pobre y pobre gringa. That's the best I can do with free translations dot com. Meaning loosely: You poor, poor, American woman. To my Spanish speaking readers, please accept my apologies for butchering your beautiful language.

Don't think that will stop me though. I had a great time. I'll go back even if the teacher does think I'm a loser. If I haven't proven it already, I'm not easily embarrassed. Have I mentioned this class is in a room that faces the gym with a glass wall? That's right, the entire gym can and does watch the class in progress. Who cares! I'm having fun.

All I really need is Max from Dancing with the Stars to work with me a little. I'm sure he could teach me to move my hips.

And if I'm not in traction tomorrow, I'm going back to yoga on Wednesday.

NAMASTE

I made it to Yoga (aka Yogurt class) today. You might have heard me mention that I joined a new gym because it offered more classes and was closer to my office making it more difficult for me to talk myself out of going on the 30 second drive there. I left my office early today to try the yoga class. I have very little experience with yoga but there are a few things I know for sure:

1. Yoga is harder than it looks.
   
2. I am wound up tighter than a top.
   
3. It's not acceptable to laugh out loud at yourself when you can't assume the pose. (I learned this lesson the hard way.)
   
4. Yoga improves your flexibility and that is something that we all need to work on as we get older.
   
5. It's hard for me to remain silent for an hour.
   
6. There are some positions that this body just doesn't want to assume no matter how much I will it to go there.
   
7. Yoga reminds me of a very somber hokey pokey and that makes me laugh which is of course…..is not tolerated.
   
8. It's hard to ignore belly fat when your nose is in your navel.
   
9. If you let me lie there for too long, I'm going to fall asleep.
   
10. It's hard to find your inner peace when you had to cut off two cars and scare the crap out of three pedestrians to make it to class on time.
    

There are a lot of things I need to know about yoga but we'll start with just 10: (Braja, are you out there?)

1. What in the name of stretch pants and bottled water is a chakra and why does it have so many colors?
   
2. Will it eventually become clear to me how to breathe AND twist myself into a pretzel at the same time?
   
3. Is it considered bad form to yell BOOYAH when you finally make it to the toes you've been reaching toward for an hour?
   
4. Don't be fooled by the title of this post. I have no idea what that word means. So?……….. what does it mean?
   
5. It does get easier, right?
   
6. Is it possible that maybe yoga just isn't for everyone? (Even though I really want to do this.)
   
7. What makes yoga pants…..yoga pants?
   
8. When people say "hot yoga", are they referring to the temperature in the room or the participants in the class?
   
9. Why "hot yoga"?
   
10. Is there something that I should know but I'm so clueless that I don't even know to ask?
    

If you are a yoga instructor, take yoga classes, or stumbled in a class once and can answer any or all of my questions, please leave a comment here. If you are as clueless as I am, please tell me that too. I don't like to walk alone.