I really envy their friendship with each other, like they are totally comfortable and secure in each other's presence and readily display affection.
I think if I had a kid sister, I would so be like this with her and want to bring her around in my pocket. Just like how I am with Tacky --
My little baby boy. HAHAHA ok yes too bad terrapins can't really be affectionate back. I seem to have this masochist in me that choose to love things that can't love me back. Maybe it's safer? Because then you can show as much love as you want without the burden of expectation or judgement.
Then I realise, hey actually I'm kinda like that with kids, except that I'm not too touchy with them due to my OCD tendencies, then again I actually couldn't resist and went stroking the heads of the kids I met in Batam, each and everyone of them who crowded around me to send me off. That is another story.
I think I've learnt a lesson on how to be myself now. The IDGAF feeling, I'll be whoever I want and not have to make an effort to be cheerful and smiley, unless I really feel it. Because happiness comes to me rather more easily now, I don't have to fake it. Who cares if I'm too outgoing, too affectionate, too talkative, too curious too whatever, I DON'T GIVE A DAMN. This is who I am, who I am going to be, who I am going to die being, and I'll stand in front of God and say "I tried my best to stay true to myself, to love with my whole self, and shrug off the bad comments, the hurts and the disappointment."
Life is too short to waste trying to fit yourself in to other people's perspectives just so you confirm to their notions of what's proper. IDGAD.
Of course there's a difference between asserting yourself, and being a total rebel without a cause. I am not going to flaunt conventions just for the sake of it -well maybe not all the time.
Who is to say your right is more right than mine? Or my right is more right than yours?
I'm going to love and do things with my whole heart and being, and spread that joy of being in what ways I can, even if makes me look foolish or look like a total happy camper. Happy Heidi is happy Heidi. I was given the name Joy for a reason, now to show why.
"In the depths of winter I finally learned there was in me an invincible summer." – Albert Camus
"The glory of God is in man fully alive."
Sunday, December 18, 2011
Wednesday, December 07, 2011
The light shines
WARNING: Mumbo Jumbo starts here
The thing about Christianity for me is that, sometimes there can be a long dry spell of nothingness. It's just absence. Even before my conversion, I could never feel the presence of anything.
There's this term in Literature whereby when you use it to describe something, everyone knows what it means -- 'dark night of the soul'.
Usually when a poet/author/character struggles with something like anguish, only to come out stronger and wiser after that. I used to identify with particular poets who go through such experiences - whose poems encapsulates the engulfing bleakness and tactile torment so well reading was feeling.
Most appropriately, the term actually originates from a Christian saint, and many notable Christians did go through such periods -- Mother Teresa being one of them.
There is a struggle, with a lack of meaning, a lack of a presence, the feeling of being abandoned, of being unable to reconcile. Why do some humans go through the pain of separation? Yet what is it that we are feeling separated from? Freudian theorists will probably say it's a leftover trauma from the pain of birth-- of being separated from the all-nurturing mother's womb that protects us before birth.
Maybe they did hit upon something, without actually grasping the true meaning. For there to be an initial sentiment, a foreknowing, we must have been born not tabula rasa but with the idea of an ideal in mind.
Perfect love, Unconditional Love, Mother Love, and the memory of it remains deep in our souls. The eternal non-attainability of the perfect love always haunts us -- from there comes phrases such as "nobody is perfect", "love is seeing an imperfect person perfect". We find ways to justify our inability to be perfect, to love perfectly, to love unconditionally. And we all admit, indeed it is a foolish person who doesn't, that we are imperfect. So readily, to err is human, we say.
If we are all such imperfect creatures, wherefore comes our knowledge of perfection? A frog doesn't know what it feels like to be human. Yet humans, while they might not actually know what perfect love feels like, or even feel it themselves, they know when it is actually not perfect.
The seed has been planted in us from the start, the seed of love, the seed of seeking for that love. Prince Charming? Happily ever after? Paradise? Attainment? All of life is a journey, we search, we learn, we seek and strive.
We were born wanting love, needing love, it was planted from the start. Something, some One taught us of the perfect love that exists, and we humans have to learn how to seek for it.
Not having it, knowing it is there but unable to grasp it, is what throws us into a dark night of the soul.
End of Mumbo Jumbo.
WARNING: Religious stuff
So anyways, here I am being on a backward slide after my baptism, ironically. I stopped attending church, stop even, feeling God was there beside me previously. It was not as bad as before when I totally couldn't believe at all. I know He is there, sometimes I really doubt so but...ultimately I chose to believe, and push myself to keep on going even if I don't see the end in sight.
And these are the periods of absence, of the inability to feel. Then...comes the light. God reminds me...gently this time, with little and big surprises that He is there, He hears my prayers and...He grants them. In ways I could never imagine. "See, I was there all the time. I am here now, and I always will be."
Choosing my current job, choosing it still, is not an easy thing. Sometimes I doubt myself, doubt what I am doing. And always, there are people who will call me up just to tell me to quit and change my job. "It doesn't feed you, it doesn't feed your family. Your responsibility is with your family. If you have a family to raise, no doubt you wouldn't have chosen this job."
So far, no one in my family actually supports me in this job...I would even say they actively try to dissuade me. The practical side of me knows what they mean, but somehow my heart is unmoved, mostly.
Money, money, money. It is impossible to support your family. There is no future. You can't be selfish, and only thing of yourself. Next time you will suffer.
Jesus looked at them and said, "With man this is impossible, but not with God; all things are possible with God."
Today, I have an even firmer conviction why God put me in this job. He knows I will stray, he knows I need regular doses of faith. Over here, we work with faith.
Today during our weekly devotional meeting the Boss referenced John 1.
The Boss told us of some people who walk closely with God, they have such faith in Him that even when troubles befall them, they take it in stride and continue with their work. Especially in charitable foundations such as ours, faith and conviction is foremost. Our founder himself was fired by his own board. Yet he did not despair, but went on to set up another foundation of his own. Another pastor in Singapore set up a charity, and his board also fired him, and he went on to do something else. This pastor was eventually asked back, because the charity ran into problems.
"Through him all things were made; without him nothing was made that has been made. 4 In him was life, and that life was the light of all mankind. 5 The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness has not overcome[a] it."
The light shone upon the dark night of my soul again. There is a purpose in my being here. I might not see it yet, but I know it is there. Seek God in all things, and the rest will follow. That was the conviction that firmed my heart and left me strong despite my family's disapproval.
And then, God shows why, if He can feed the swallows in the air, cloth the lilies in the field with grandeur of colours, He will provide for us.
Another point that was driven in to me today, I had just quoted a verse on Matthew on twitter yesterday. ""Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest."
Today's teaching (not my own or even my Boss, but the Catholic church's daily reading from the gospel) is...
Yes you guess it.
"Jesus exclaimed, ‘Come to me, all you who labour and are overburdened, and I will give you rest. Shoulder my yoke and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. Yes, my yoke is easy and my burden light.’" Matthew 11:28
As if God is saying "just you remember it girl, I am here, and remember this."
Religious stuff will not end here.
The thing about Christianity for me is that, sometimes there can be a long dry spell of nothingness. It's just absence. Even before my conversion, I could never feel the presence of anything.
There's this term in Literature whereby when you use it to describe something, everyone knows what it means -- 'dark night of the soul'.
Usually when a poet/author/character struggles with something like anguish, only to come out stronger and wiser after that. I used to identify with particular poets who go through such experiences - whose poems encapsulates the engulfing bleakness and tactile torment so well reading was feeling.
Most appropriately, the term actually originates from a Christian saint, and many notable Christians did go through such periods -- Mother Teresa being one of them.
There is a struggle, with a lack of meaning, a lack of a presence, the feeling of being abandoned, of being unable to reconcile. Why do some humans go through the pain of separation? Yet what is it that we are feeling separated from? Freudian theorists will probably say it's a leftover trauma from the pain of birth-- of being separated from the all-nurturing mother's womb that protects us before birth.
Maybe they did hit upon something, without actually grasping the true meaning. For there to be an initial sentiment, a foreknowing, we must have been born not tabula rasa but with the idea of an ideal in mind.
Perfect love, Unconditional Love, Mother Love, and the memory of it remains deep in our souls. The eternal non-attainability of the perfect love always haunts us -- from there comes phrases such as "nobody is perfect", "love is seeing an imperfect person perfect". We find ways to justify our inability to be perfect, to love perfectly, to love unconditionally. And we all admit, indeed it is a foolish person who doesn't, that we are imperfect. So readily, to err is human, we say.
If we are all such imperfect creatures, wherefore comes our knowledge of perfection? A frog doesn't know what it feels like to be human. Yet humans, while they might not actually know what perfect love feels like, or even feel it themselves, they know when it is actually not perfect.
The seed has been planted in us from the start, the seed of love, the seed of seeking for that love. Prince Charming? Happily ever after? Paradise? Attainment? All of life is a journey, we search, we learn, we seek and strive.
We were born wanting love, needing love, it was planted from the start. Something, some One taught us of the perfect love that exists, and we humans have to learn how to seek for it.
Not having it, knowing it is there but unable to grasp it, is what throws us into a dark night of the soul.
End of Mumbo Jumbo.
WARNING: Religious stuff
So anyways, here I am being on a backward slide after my baptism, ironically. I stopped attending church, stop even, feeling God was there beside me previously. It was not as bad as before when I totally couldn't believe at all. I know He is there, sometimes I really doubt so but...ultimately I chose to believe, and push myself to keep on going even if I don't see the end in sight.
And these are the periods of absence, of the inability to feel. Then...comes the light. God reminds me...gently this time, with little and big surprises that He is there, He hears my prayers and...He grants them. In ways I could never imagine. "See, I was there all the time. I am here now, and I always will be."
Choosing my current job, choosing it still, is not an easy thing. Sometimes I doubt myself, doubt what I am doing. And always, there are people who will call me up just to tell me to quit and change my job. "It doesn't feed you, it doesn't feed your family. Your responsibility is with your family. If you have a family to raise, no doubt you wouldn't have chosen this job."
So far, no one in my family actually supports me in this job...I would even say they actively try to dissuade me. The practical side of me knows what they mean, but somehow my heart is unmoved, mostly.
Money, money, money. It is impossible to support your family. There is no future. You can't be selfish, and only thing of yourself. Next time you will suffer.
Jesus looked at them and said, "With man this is impossible, but not with God; all things are possible with God."
Today, I have an even firmer conviction why God put me in this job. He knows I will stray, he knows I need regular doses of faith. Over here, we work with faith.
Today during our weekly devotional meeting the Boss referenced John 1.
The Boss told us of some people who walk closely with God, they have such faith in Him that even when troubles befall them, they take it in stride and continue with their work. Especially in charitable foundations such as ours, faith and conviction is foremost. Our founder himself was fired by his own board. Yet he did not despair, but went on to set up another foundation of his own. Another pastor in Singapore set up a charity, and his board also fired him, and he went on to do something else. This pastor was eventually asked back, because the charity ran into problems.
"Through him all things were made; without him nothing was made that has been made. 4 In him was life, and that life was the light of all mankind. 5 The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness has not overcome[a] it."
The light shone upon the dark night of my soul again. There is a purpose in my being here. I might not see it yet, but I know it is there. Seek God in all things, and the rest will follow. That was the conviction that firmed my heart and left me strong despite my family's disapproval.
And then, God shows why, if He can feed the swallows in the air, cloth the lilies in the field with grandeur of colours, He will provide for us.
"Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life,
what you will eat or what you will drink, or about your
body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and
the body more than clothing? {26} Look at the birds of the
air; they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns, and
yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not of more
value than they? {27} And can any of you by worrying add a
single hour to your span of life? {28} And why do you worry
about clothing? Consider the lilies of the field, how they
grow; they neither toil nor spin, {29} yet I tell you, even
Solomon in all his glory was not clothed like one of these.
{30} But if God so clothes the grass of the field, which is
alive today and tomorrow is thrown into the oven, will he
not much more clothe you--you of little faith? {31}
Therefore do not worry, saying, 'What will we eat?' or 'What
will we drink?' or 'What will we wear?' {32} For it is the
Gentiles who strive for all these things; and indeed your
heavenly Father knows that you need all these things. {33}
But strive first for the kingdom of God and his
righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as
well.
Another point that was driven in to me today, I had just quoted a verse on Matthew on twitter yesterday. ""Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest."
Today's teaching (not my own or even my Boss, but the Catholic church's daily reading from the gospel) is...
Yes you guess it.
"Jesus exclaimed, ‘Come to me, all you who labour and are overburdened, and I will give you rest. Shoulder my yoke and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. Yes, my yoke is easy and my burden light.’" Matthew 11:28
As if God is saying "just you remember it girl, I am here, and remember this."
Religious stuff will not end here.
Wednesday, November 30, 2011
Heidi being Random...Again.
I think many times these past few days I keep wanting to roll my eyes at certain things people say or do.
So much so I actually repeat "rolls eyes" in my head while outwardly smiling or being expressionless.
It's a mean mean behaviour and not befitting of a Christian-- which standards I am not living up too also.
Sigh, zuo ren hao nan, zuo hao ren gen nan.
Christmas is coming!
For the past few years there has always been a glow in my heart when I think about Christmas...
not that this year there are no caroling sessions, I can't feel the joy of Christmas already :(
What's going on in Heidi's life now...
Not much.
BUT there are a couple of exciting events lined up next week!
Quite a few things I feel like doing! Although I kinda like lounging about at home with nothing to do then just catch up on videos and read engrossing romance novels.
I wanna go to the zoo, zoo, zoo how about you you you!
I wanna eat mala steam boat boat boat,
I wanna eat sashimi sashimi sashimi!
I wanna watch Michelle's movie ie ie!
I LOVE SNSDDDDD!!
So much so I actually repeat "rolls eyes" in my head while outwardly smiling or being expressionless.
It's a mean mean behaviour and not befitting of a Christian-- which standards I am not living up too also.
Sigh, zuo ren hao nan, zuo hao ren gen nan.
Christmas is coming!
For the past few years there has always been a glow in my heart when I think about Christmas...
not that this year there are no caroling sessions, I can't feel the joy of Christmas already :(
What's going on in Heidi's life now...
Not much.
BUT there are a couple of exciting events lined up next week!
Quite a few things I feel like doing! Although I kinda like lounging about at home with nothing to do then just catch up on videos and read engrossing romance novels.
I wanna go to the zoo, zoo, zoo how about you you you!
I wanna eat mala steam boat boat boat,
I wanna eat sashimi sashimi sashimi!
I wanna watch Michelle's movie ie ie!
I LOVE SNSDDDDD!!
Friday, November 18, 2011
Why I Need Therapy
Can't believe I've (almost) become an SNSD fan after smirking at all those hormonal fanboy love postings my FB male friends do...I'VE BECOME LIKE ONE OF THEM!!
However, the difference is in that unlike them, I don't lust/gush/dream after/over/about the pretty/cute/gorgeous/sexy girls. Instead what I really like about them are their....personalities!!!
More than just the music, it is some down-to-earth, humourous and quirky antics that won me over.
As well as something else...
Nah, here are the music videos I've been replaying these few days for your easy clicking, maybe you might find them catchy too..
AND...the thing that really got me so excited over them...their friendship/love for one another and very very very funny antics!
A little Sunny...gets the rest of SNSD violent.
Exposing Taeyeon's sleeping habit...Seriously the funniest sleeping habit I've ever seen!
And they are sensitive over their (lack of) height too!!
Here's something you can't help going "Awwww" over.
Warning: If it looks suspicious, it really is. Sorry boys but I think this two are taken...by each other! HAHAHA.
Too many sweet moments but watch out for the infamous 'Tangerine Kiss' from 1.30 to 1.35!
Taeyeon and Tippuni (Tiffany) forever!!
Oh gosh, am I like totally gushing over them now??
However, the difference is in that unlike them, I don't lust/gush/dream after/over/about the pretty/cute/gorgeous/sexy girls. Instead what I really like about them are their....personalities!!!
More than just the music, it is some down-to-earth, humourous and quirky antics that won me over.
As well as something else...
Nah, here are the music videos I've been replaying these few days for your easy clicking, maybe you might find them catchy too..
AND...the thing that really got me so excited over them...their friendship/love for one another and very very very funny antics!
A little Sunny...gets the rest of SNSD violent.
Exposing Taeyeon's sleeping habit...Seriously the funniest sleeping habit I've ever seen!
And they are sensitive over their (lack of) height too!!
Here's something you can't help going "Awwww" over.
Warning: If it looks suspicious, it really is. Sorry boys but I think this two are taken...by each other! HAHAHA.
Too many sweet moments but watch out for the infamous 'Tangerine Kiss' from 1.30 to 1.35!
Taeyeon and Tippuni (Tiffany) forever!!
Oh gosh, am I like totally gushing over them now??
Wednesday, November 16, 2011
Tuesday, November 15, 2011
What is not left is not always right
Can't believe I spent hours watching TaeNy videos. I now know every member of SNSD and their individual quirks.
O.M.G.
I think I'm about to become a SNSD fan.
O.M.G.
Anyway, I no longer trust the veracity of my feelings.
O.M.G.
I think I'm about to become a SNSD fan.
O.M.G.
Anyway, I no longer trust the veracity of my feelings.
Saturday, November 12, 2011
The Eve of a Wedding
These few days, many people have asked me how I am feeling. Nervous? Excited? Happy?
I always smile and give vague answers.
How to say leh?
It is not a wave, but a wellspring.
Like emerging from a tunnel.
Like giving my hand.
Like commitment and a new phase, like a new hdb flat, a new school, a baby.
Like getting married lah!
So when I emerge fresh and bright like a new sunny penny tomorrow, pray God I won't immediately lose that sheen. At least let me keep it for an hour, a day, a lifetime.
Let me bask in the glow of being sinless and holy and innocent for a while...
Until someone steps on my shoe or say something inappropriate.
Better to be kept in a vacuum environment.
Alright, enough being vague. This song is it, and says all. 'Nuff said.
I always smile and give vague answers.
How to say leh?
It is not a wave, but a wellspring.
Like emerging from a tunnel.
Like giving my hand.
Like commitment and a new phase, like a new hdb flat, a new school, a baby.
Like getting married lah!
So when I emerge fresh and bright like a new sunny penny tomorrow, pray God I won't immediately lose that sheen. At least let me keep it for an hour, a day, a lifetime.
Let me bask in the glow of being sinless and holy and innocent for a while...
Until someone steps on my shoe or say something inappropriate.
Better to be kept in a vacuum environment.
Alright, enough being vague. This song is it, and says all. 'Nuff said.
Tuesday, November 08, 2011
The bus stop.
Having fought my way to a seat in the bus, I could get to staring out of the window while listening to my nifty SGS2.
Out of the depths of my reverie, I spotted a bus stop I passed by on the way to work today in the morning. A bus stop that I used as a landmark to gauge where I am in the midst of jam.
It suddenly struck me that I was looking at the same stop, from the opposite side, two different moments in time. Sort of like going back in time with hindsight included.
They say you never cross the same river twice. As it gets closer to my baptism, I keep thinking back to the person I was, looking anew now with a new and renewed faith. Some person, different mindset. When we change our perspectives, looking back at the landmarks in our lives we experience them differently too.
Later on during that bus ride as I was contemplating the significance of being struck by that sudden revelation, I received an email telling me that I have been selected for the writing/editing position that I applied for in July. Like, finally hahaha. My heart clenched in a bit of sadness/regret that I couldn't take it up. Being a writer was my dream.
However, in choosing my current occupation, I had gone after a calling I believed came from God. If God doesn't exist, I would have been chasing after what was nothing more than an illusion. I sometimes think like that. If God doesn't exist, many things in my life, many decisions I've made, many comforts I thought were given, they would all become meaningless.
It's quite a scary thought.
Yet this is the paradox of faith. A nihilist will think losing all hope is freedom. A believer knows how that freedom feels like, not because we lose all hope, but because we lose ourselves to God that we have hope. You feel scared going in, giving up, yet the very essence of faith is to give you strength because you have been willing to surrender.
I could have said this a few months ago knowing the theory in mind and I know I wouldn't have felt it. I say this now and know how it feels. I am looking at the same bus stop at the opposite side now. I'm going home.
I wish I am able to somehow share the gift of faith with my friends who are seeking, are lost, are yearning, or are just living their lives normally. How ironic now that I'm thinking about it, I remember seeing a quote of the back of this school girl's school t-shirt "To give anything less than your best is to sacrifice to live."
Today's quote of the day from the calendar: Live in such a way that those who know you but don't know God will come to know God because they know you.
Maybe one day, they will see that bus stop, from the opposite side. Then get startled when they realised how far they've travelled, and smile.
Out of the depths of my reverie, I spotted a bus stop I passed by on the way to work today in the morning. A bus stop that I used as a landmark to gauge where I am in the midst of jam.
It suddenly struck me that I was looking at the same stop, from the opposite side, two different moments in time. Sort of like going back in time with hindsight included.
They say you never cross the same river twice. As it gets closer to my baptism, I keep thinking back to the person I was, looking anew now with a new and renewed faith. Some person, different mindset. When we change our perspectives, looking back at the landmarks in our lives we experience them differently too.
Later on during that bus ride as I was contemplating the significance of being struck by that sudden revelation, I received an email telling me that I have been selected for the writing/editing position that I applied for in July. Like, finally hahaha. My heart clenched in a bit of sadness/regret that I couldn't take it up. Being a writer was my dream.
However, in choosing my current occupation, I had gone after a calling I believed came from God. If God doesn't exist, I would have been chasing after what was nothing more than an illusion. I sometimes think like that. If God doesn't exist, many things in my life, many decisions I've made, many comforts I thought were given, they would all become meaningless.
It's quite a scary thought.
Yet this is the paradox of faith. A nihilist will think losing all hope is freedom. A believer knows how that freedom feels like, not because we lose all hope, but because we lose ourselves to God that we have hope. You feel scared going in, giving up, yet the very essence of faith is to give you strength because you have been willing to surrender.
I could have said this a few months ago knowing the theory in mind and I know I wouldn't have felt it. I say this now and know how it feels. I am looking at the same bus stop at the opposite side now. I'm going home.
I wish I am able to somehow share the gift of faith with my friends who are seeking, are lost, are yearning, or are just living their lives normally. How ironic now that I'm thinking about it, I remember seeing a quote of the back of this school girl's school t-shirt "To give anything less than your best is to sacrifice to live."
Today's quote of the day from the calendar: Live in such a way that those who know you but don't know God will come to know God because they know you.
Maybe one day, they will see that bus stop, from the opposite side. Then get startled when they realised how far they've travelled, and smile.
Monday, November 07, 2011
Love, Loss and Regret
I'm not sure why in this period of my life, certain situations have repeated themselves.
Having groups of friends you feel comfortable with is really one of the cornerstones of a happy, fulfilled life. Each one infinitely precious because in each friend there is a companionship God intended for you. However, what happens when you feel uncomfortable in their presence? They may not necessarily intend to do so, but somehow things just feel a little off. You realise, your friends actually are closer to each other now and you've stepped right into it.
As I sat there right in the midst, suddenly a thought popped unbidden into my mind, "I shouldn't come here again next time, I don't belong here."
Somehow it has progressed that they might feel more comfortable meeting with each other, initially it was due to convenience, then it becomes habit. They might not mean to exclude, or even want to exclude, but I can't force myself in either. Life is like that, you might think you're going with the flow, but one day you realise you might actually be the one swimming backwards.
It does hurt to be excluded, and a part of me still wants to fight for the friendship and hold on to each one of them. But at this age, maybe it's weariness or that I understand, it is the letting go and not holding on that makes one stronger.
Why force them to make a choice? No one will be happy in the end. Once a long time ago, I had two friends and three of us always hanged out together. Because we were so happy-go-lucky and open-minded, we didn't mind people joining into our circle. Two girls did. However they disliked me immediately and I didn't know why (do I really trigger dislike and alienation from some people? I really really have this feeling I do). When the 5 of us were together, the 2 girls would always exclude me from conversations. They kept making malicious remarks about me, sometimes disguised as jokes. My two other friends were the more passive and nice type, so they couldn't really react, everyone just treated things as normal.
I remember once when we were sitting in a group, the 2 girls made some amusing comparison (they were quite fun and funny to be with) about each other. My friend asked, "what about Heidi?" and they kept total silence. Awkward, yes. But at that point, I needed to escape, I didn't want to start feeling resentful towards my friends anymore. I didn't want to lose my control and break down in front of them, I didn't like losing control, period. So I bowed out, and rather eat alone during recess, and yes, let go of my friends. I couldn't bear to compete for the loyalty of my friends, didn't want to, in case I lost, that would be worse.
It becomes poisonous sooner or later. Throughout those times, I couldn't help but feel spurts of anger and disappointment, why couldn't they have tried to stand up for me a bit against the two bullies? Why couldn't they have chosen me instead?
Didn't get better in JC, somehow I become a little bit of a loner despite being on good terms with everyone. I think it was some loner gene in me. I didn't want to try and keep them.
Many years later, I am friends with the 2 girls again. The other 2 girls, seeing our exchanges on FB do ask why they are not included. My friend being nice try to include them, but I think they still suffer from some dislike of me. Hahaha. The irony is, they might even know my blog address. I let my friend know, I would really rather not hang out with them. She understands. I highly doubt anything would come between us again, for the rest of our lives.
Some good endings, some bad. Many regrets, many sadness, and much much more happiness. I rather let the happy memories keep themselves and wistfully and slowly bow out. Who knows about the future next time? We might all seat at the same table and laugh among ourselves again.
Having groups of friends you feel comfortable with is really one of the cornerstones of a happy, fulfilled life. Each one infinitely precious because in each friend there is a companionship God intended for you. However, what happens when you feel uncomfortable in their presence? They may not necessarily intend to do so, but somehow things just feel a little off. You realise, your friends actually are closer to each other now and you've stepped right into it.
As I sat there right in the midst, suddenly a thought popped unbidden into my mind, "I shouldn't come here again next time, I don't belong here."
Somehow it has progressed that they might feel more comfortable meeting with each other, initially it was due to convenience, then it becomes habit. They might not mean to exclude, or even want to exclude, but I can't force myself in either. Life is like that, you might think you're going with the flow, but one day you realise you might actually be the one swimming backwards.
It does hurt to be excluded, and a part of me still wants to fight for the friendship and hold on to each one of them. But at this age, maybe it's weariness or that I understand, it is the letting go and not holding on that makes one stronger.
Why force them to make a choice? No one will be happy in the end. Once a long time ago, I had two friends and three of us always hanged out together. Because we were so happy-go-lucky and open-minded, we didn't mind people joining into our circle. Two girls did. However they disliked me immediately and I didn't know why (do I really trigger dislike and alienation from some people? I really really have this feeling I do). When the 5 of us were together, the 2 girls would always exclude me from conversations. They kept making malicious remarks about me, sometimes disguised as jokes. My two other friends were the more passive and nice type, so they couldn't really react, everyone just treated things as normal.
I remember once when we were sitting in a group, the 2 girls made some amusing comparison (they were quite fun and funny to be with) about each other. My friend asked, "what about Heidi?" and they kept total silence. Awkward, yes. But at that point, I needed to escape, I didn't want to start feeling resentful towards my friends anymore. I didn't want to lose my control and break down in front of them, I didn't like losing control, period. So I bowed out, and rather eat alone during recess, and yes, let go of my friends. I couldn't bear to compete for the loyalty of my friends, didn't want to, in case I lost, that would be worse.
It becomes poisonous sooner or later. Throughout those times, I couldn't help but feel spurts of anger and disappointment, why couldn't they have tried to stand up for me a bit against the two bullies? Why couldn't they have chosen me instead?
Didn't get better in JC, somehow I become a little bit of a loner despite being on good terms with everyone. I think it was some loner gene in me. I didn't want to try and keep them.
Many years later, I am friends with the 2 girls again. The other 2 girls, seeing our exchanges on FB do ask why they are not included. My friend being nice try to include them, but I think they still suffer from some dislike of me. Hahaha. The irony is, they might even know my blog address. I let my friend know, I would really rather not hang out with them. She understands. I highly doubt anything would come between us again, for the rest of our lives.
Some good endings, some bad. Many regrets, many sadness, and much much more happiness. I rather let the happy memories keep themselves and wistfully and slowly bow out. Who knows about the future next time? We might all seat at the same table and laugh among ourselves again.
Thursday, November 03, 2011
Soon and very soon.
I'm really quite glad that this week will soon be over.
And then...
Had a good, needed chuckle when I read this. Reminds me of what I unconsciously do. As well as why I hate taking the train during peak hour so much.
http://www.brelson.com/2011/10/sit-down-on-overground-prepare-for-war/
I will be with the One I love.
And then...
Had a good, needed chuckle when I read this. Reminds me of what I unconsciously do. As well as why I hate taking the train during peak hour so much.
http://www.brelson.com/2011/10/sit-down-on-overground-prepare-for-war/
Edit: A few people commenting after this was posted mentioned that they look in the window to see the reflections of people behind them. I didn’t know this trick. No wonder I’ve been spending so much time standing
This is what I always do!!
I will be with the One I love.
Wednesday, November 02, 2011
The Paradox of Choice
After craving it for so long I've actually developed withdrawal symptoms, I finally got to dine at Sakuraya yesterday with AYE.
Salmon, swordfish and scallop. Salmon, swordfish and scallop. I've repeated this enough it became a mantra in my mind. Upon arriving alone at the eatery, I immediately zoomed to the market area where the slabs of fish were. I picked and felt the little fishes, "hehe...you're mine baby..." when I spot a particular firm looking one.
I was so impatient waiting for A just to arrive I actually glared at my watch and tap my feet impatiently, even the staff were looking at me curiously. Like some papa waiting for the baby to be delivered like that.
Unfortunately, there were no scallops for that day! Aiya, my sweet, succulent scallop! Instead, I decided to try something new andcoerced persuaded Ame to try out...Abalone.
Yes, the ones you eat during CNY or in Buddha Jump over the Wall. Having watched a Japanese food documentary on fresh abalone before, I was excited to try it out.
The man asked me to choose the abalone I want, and he picked up two shells for me to point my finger at and say "that one."
The shells he picked up were...still wriggling. "Ahh?? They are still alive ah?"
"Which one do you want?" The man brushed his thumbs across the tender, exposed bellies of abalones. They wriggled again.
"Uhhh" actually deep inside I was feeling a little regretful choosing the abalone already. I had this vague feeling that, they were actually quite cute. "I don't know how to choose leh."
"How about this one" *pokes at abalone,abalone wriggles* "This one looks more tender."
"Ok this one then."
When the abalone came to our table, neatly sliced and laid out in the shells it had just laid in minutes ago. I felt this wave of...regret again. But in anticipation, I picked a slice to eat.
And blanched.
"So how, how is it?" Ame asked.
"Uh...."
She tried a piece. "It's...very crunchy."
"Yah totally not what I expected." I thought it would be tender since it's so fresh it just died, however it was like eating a crunchy vegetable. "I feel like I'm eating Tacky! " I wailed.
Oh darn you, Japanese food videos, you fooled me again!!!"
So I made a decision that night not to ever order live abalone again.
During the course of our adventurous food encounter (I think every time Ame eats with me I make her try something weird) A suddenly said "Eh, actually I have this problem."
"What, what?" *perks up*
"I don't know what it is like to like something. Like when my friends say I like this, I like that, I always ask them what do you mean by like?"
A was actually referring to her choice of specialisation in medicine, in case you think she's talking about liking in the romantic sense (that will be another matter entirely) "Like, I don't feel the passion for anything yet!"
I guess it's the same case with me when I wanted to find a job I could stick with. I kept having this unsettled feeling and changing my mind as to what I really want. Until I made a decision regarding this current job.
"It doesn't have to be a passionate feeling you know, you might even have some doubts when you've made a choice. But maybe it's just this sense of peace once you've made your decision."
Little things would make you feel like yes, I've made the right choice.
Unless we're talking about my ill-fated choice of choosing abalone.
Today at work...
I am so constantly horrified by how much I eat that I had to do something about it. And that means increasing my energy output such that more fats will be burned.
Therefore today, I jogged around the office and used makeshift dumbbells to tone up my arms, as well as doing the horse stance and stretching exercises.
I resolve to at least do some form of work-out everyday while I'm at office so that I won't revert back to my previous can-qualify-for-TAF-club weight. Still if given a choice between having my appetite back, and having my fat days back...I don't know which to choose.
Salmon, swordfish and scallop. Salmon, swordfish and scallop. I've repeated this enough it became a mantra in my mind. Upon arriving alone at the eatery, I immediately zoomed to the market area where the slabs of fish were. I picked and felt the little fishes, "hehe...you're mine baby..." when I spot a particular firm looking one.
I was so impatient waiting for A just to arrive I actually glared at my watch and tap my feet impatiently, even the staff were looking at me curiously. Like some papa waiting for the baby to be delivered like that.
Unfortunately, there were no scallops for that day! Aiya, my sweet, succulent scallop! Instead, I decided to try something new and
Yes, the ones you eat during CNY or in Buddha Jump over the Wall. Having watched a Japanese food documentary on fresh abalone before, I was excited to try it out.
The man asked me to choose the abalone I want, and he picked up two shells for me to point my finger at and say "that one."
The shells he picked up were...still wriggling. "Ahh?? They are still alive ah?"
"Which one do you want?" The man brushed his thumbs across the tender, exposed bellies of abalones. They wriggled again.
"Uhhh" actually deep inside I was feeling a little regretful choosing the abalone already. I had this vague feeling that, they were actually quite cute. "I don't know how to choose leh."
"How about this one" *pokes at abalone,abalone wriggles* "This one looks more tender."
"Ok this one then."
When the abalone came to our table, neatly sliced and laid out in the shells it had just laid in minutes ago. I felt this wave of...regret again. But in anticipation, I picked a slice to eat.
And blanched.
"So how, how is it?" Ame asked.
"Uh...."
She tried a piece. "It's...very crunchy."
"Yah totally not what I expected." I thought it would be tender since it's so fresh it just died, however it was like eating a crunchy vegetable. "I feel like I'm eating Tacky! " I wailed.
Oh darn you, Japanese food videos, you fooled me again!!!"
So I made a decision that night not to ever order live abalone again.
During the course of our adventurous food encounter (I think every time Ame eats with me I make her try something weird) A suddenly said "Eh, actually I have this problem."
"What, what?" *perks up*
"I don't know what it is like to like something. Like when my friends say I like this, I like that, I always ask them what do you mean by like?"
A was actually referring to her choice of specialisation in medicine, in case you think she's talking about liking in the romantic sense (that will be another matter entirely) "Like, I don't feel the passion for anything yet!"
I guess it's the same case with me when I wanted to find a job I could stick with. I kept having this unsettled feeling and changing my mind as to what I really want. Until I made a decision regarding this current job.
"It doesn't have to be a passionate feeling you know, you might even have some doubts when you've made a choice. But maybe it's just this sense of peace once you've made your decision."
Little things would make you feel like yes, I've made the right choice.
Unless we're talking about my ill-fated choice of choosing abalone.
Today at work...
I am so constantly horrified by how much I eat that I had to do something about it. And that means increasing my energy output such that more fats will be burned.
Therefore today, I jogged around the office and used makeshift dumbbells to tone up my arms, as well as doing the horse stance and stretching exercises.
I resolve to at least do some form of work-out everyday while I'm at office so that I won't revert back to my previous can-qualify-for-TAF-club weight. Still if given a choice between having my appetite back, and having my fat days back...I don't know which to choose.
Monday, October 31, 2011
Desiderata
I have an affinity with meeting people on the bus. While rushing from the Mrt, to Old Chang Kee to da bao a quick buy-and-run dinner, then shoving past people, to stand at the front of the bus stop, I finally got into the bus triumphant that I was the first person in.
I actually wanted to add in som kobe beef teppanyaki pictures, but when my mouth started watering uncontrollably I decided wisely against this bit of temptation that I know I will never fulfill unless I earn $$ and go to Japan. "Enough Heidi, cannot be cruel to yourself."
While I was catching my breath, I saw my friend trying to find a seat. I excitedly tugged at her arm. "Hey! Wah, you're one of the first person on the bus!" She exclaimed in admiration.
"Heheh. Yeah."
Indeed, being first in line for the bus is an achievement during peak hours when kiasu aunties with killer umbrellas and loaded plastic bags are usually the ones winning. Does that mean I am irrevocably an auntie now??
My friend is someone I see more often than other people due to the sheer chance that we always meet each other on a bus.
She was rather tired from teaching all day and said so.
I said "at least you're earning big bucks!"
"Eh no leh, people teaching in private tuition centres earn more than I do!"
"Well, at least your job is more meaningful, you have to be so many things to your kids! ("True!") You have to watch what they are eating ("yah they've been eating lots of potato chips!"), you have to notice who is not feeing well, or whose behaviour is abnormal, and you have to take care of them and impart moral values (*nods thoughtfully*). And you like your job."
"Yah! I don't understand why so many of my friends are very unhappy with their jobs and their lives."
"Hannor! You know there's this report that says people of our age group are the most unhappy people!"
"Yah they are! Sigh. Are you happy?"
"Yes, I am, happy even in the midst of sorrow. How about you?"
"Yes I am too."
And I didn't doubt it. We did talk about religion too, she is a free-thinker, while I am a C.o.G. We have differences in thinking, but nonetheless share the same appreciation for life. In the midst of the hustle and bustle of life (especially when chasing after public transport), we fall apart and break because we forget to breathe and live.
----
Today at Work....
I had an insatiable lust that was threatening to override my ability to control myself.
I couldn't take it anymore and went on to Google pictures of drool-worthy objects of seduction.
"Tadah!" I presented my laptop to my colleague as a gorgeous specimen was imprinted smack in the middle of my laptop.
"What the!!"
"These are my eye candies and relaxation pics when I need to rest my eyes!" I ogled at the hunk of flesh in delight.
Yes, this is in anticipation of tomorrow's sashimi outing with Ah Yeap, that I dared to go googling for sashimi pictures and post them as desktop pictures on my laptop knowing I can fulfill my desires tomorrow. Others might post idols or loved ones. Now I feel very wrong having both Tacky pictures and sashimi pictures on my laptop. Somehow they provide a very incongruous juxtaposition of the Beloved, and beloved food.
"Now I know how to keep you excited at work." My colleague said.
"Hehehe. Yeah."
--
Desiderata - desired things
Go placidly amid the noise and haste,and remember what peace there may be in silence.
As far as possible without surrender
be on good terms with all persons.Speak your truth quietly and clearly;and listen to others,even the dull and the ignorant;they too have their story.Avoid loud and aggressive persons,they are vexations to the spirit.
If you compare yourself with others,
you may become vain or bitter;for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.
Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans.
Keep interested in your own career, however humble;it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.Exercise caution in your business affairs;for the world is full of trickery.But let this not blind you to what virtue there is;many persons strive for high ideals;and everywhere life is full of heroism.
Be yourself.
Especially, do not feign affection.Neither be cynical about love;for in the face of all aridity and disenchantmentit is as perennial as the grass.
Take kindly the counsel of the years,
gracefully surrendering the things of youth.Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune.But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings.Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.
Beyond a wholesome discipline,
be gentle with yourself.You are a child of the universe,no less than the trees and the stars;you have a right to be here.And whether or not it is clear to you,no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.
Therefore be at peace with God,
whatever you conceive Him to be,and whatever your labors and aspirations,in the noisy confusion of life keep peace with your soul.
With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams,
it is still a beautiful world.Be cheerful.Strive to be happy.
Saturday, October 22, 2011
When I was lonely, You showed me love
It haunts me still, the thought of old people living their lives in loneliness. Along long corridors, the rows of shut doors, empty whiteness, nary a sound heard.
These old folks, most too incapacitated to move around much, sit at home staring at photos or mementos of days long past. Waiting. For people to come and perhaps send them a packet of rice, for the occasional sound outside to show that people still live. Waiting most definitely for death to free them.
Abandoned. Forgotten. Neglected.
Life holds no more meaning except just to eat, sleep and wander in their minds. Staring out of their windows, looking at the blocks.
How could I, who once lived in hall yet felt the very walls of loneliness closing in around her before, how could I not feel something at what they are going through? I can't even begin to understand the depths of their loneliness and bleakness.
I had an idea in my mind and today's sermon coaxed this idea out into a budding flower. The old people who might think they are forgotten, abandoned, for Agnes who couldn't travel to a church...What if I could bring God to them somehow?
Father said, "go forth and evangelise, show people the meaning of life in Jesus." If I could even just sit with one old person and read to her about that day's teachings, I would have thrown one starfish back into the ocean..
The idea roots in my head.
(Add: I have gotten one friend to go along with me!)
The "least of my brethren" are the hungry and the lonely, not only for food, but for the Word of God; the thirsty and the ignorant not only for water, but also for knowledge, peace, truth, justice and love; the naked and the unloved, not only for clothes but also for human dignity; the unwanted; the unborn child; the racially discriminated against; the homeless and abandoned, not only for a shelter made of bricks, but for a heart that understands, that covers, that loves; the sick, the dying destitutes, and the captives, not only in body, but also in mind and spirit; all those who have lost all hope and faith in life; the alcoholics and dying addicts and all those who have lost God (for them God was but God is) and who have lost all hope in the power of the Spirit.
Mother Teresa
These old folks, most too incapacitated to move around much, sit at home staring at photos or mementos of days long past. Waiting. For people to come and perhaps send them a packet of rice, for the occasional sound outside to show that people still live. Waiting most definitely for death to free them.
Abandoned. Forgotten. Neglected.
Life holds no more meaning except just to eat, sleep and wander in their minds. Staring out of their windows, looking at the blocks.
How could I, who once lived in hall yet felt the very walls of loneliness closing in around her before, how could I not feel something at what they are going through? I can't even begin to understand the depths of their loneliness and bleakness.
I had an idea in my mind and today's sermon coaxed this idea out into a budding flower. The old people who might think they are forgotten, abandoned, for Agnes who couldn't travel to a church...What if I could bring God to them somehow?
Father said, "go forth and evangelise, show people the meaning of life in Jesus." If I could even just sit with one old person and read to her about that day's teachings, I would have thrown one starfish back into the ocean..
The idea roots in my head.
(Add: I have gotten one friend to go along with me!)
The "least of my brethren" are the hungry and the lonely, not only for food, but for the Word of God; the thirsty and the ignorant not only for water, but also for knowledge, peace, truth, justice and love; the naked and the unloved, not only for clothes but also for human dignity; the unwanted; the unborn child; the racially discriminated against; the homeless and abandoned, not only for a shelter made of bricks, but for a heart that understands, that covers, that loves; the sick, the dying destitutes, and the captives, not only in body, but also in mind and spirit; all those who have lost all hope and faith in life; the alcoholics and dying addicts and all those who have lost God (for them God was but God is) and who have lost all hope in the power of the Spirit.
Mother Teresa
Friday, October 21, 2011
Forgotten, forsaken (1)
Part of my job entails house-cleaning for elderly folks. Once, I did pray that I wouldn't get a job entirely desk-bound, and apparently I got my wish pretty quickly.
I also spent the night before praying hard that I wouldn't get assigned to a house with bed bugs, or with the old man with incontrollable bowel movements. I prayed I'll get an easy house...
and I did.
It's only now that I realise it might not be as easy as I thought it was.
SInce knowing I had to do house-cleaning duty today, I dragged Grace down with me (since why go down yourself when you can drag a friend with you?).
As we took the lift to reach our assigned house, I can't help but shudder at the unhygienic state of the neighbourhood, smelling of urine, with its floors stained by animal droppings. It was an immersion therapy for an OCD a psychologist would be proud of. The three of us Grace, another volunteer and I travelled through a long corridor, past rows and rows of closed doors.
"Oh so these are where they are!" D exclaimed. "You know those Channel 8 shows where they film these places, I've always wondered where they are!"
"Yah I also always wondered!" Grace replied.
Having already seen another example in a previous cleaning trip, I didn't say anything.
We finally arrived at #09-1952. Homeowner profile, Agnes, 82 lives alone. Needs 3 lightbulbs changed. Speaks English and Cantonese.
"She's a Catholic!" I said excitedly when I saw the little picture of Mother Mary and the Infant Jesus pasted outside the door. The only door to have a form of visible decoration.
We knocked and shouted because the homeowner was a little deaf, only to see a partially blind old lady shuffling silently and almost sulkily to us, showing us the door was actually opened.
We walked into a gloomy flat, while the auntie sat at the edge of her bed, still silent.
"Auntie, we're gonna clean the flat ok?"
And we got to eat. This being my first time doing cleaning, I was kinda unsure of what to do. Besides, Heidi has OCD so these kinda cleaning things are often very trying on her. Grace and D already got to sweeping and cleaning the toilet respectively. I struggled to put on gloves and think of what to do when the broom had already been taken up.
I then hit upon the brilliance of cleaning the window. The very dusty windows.
The auntie had difficulty walking and seemed not to know where to sit in order not to be in our way. We asked her if we could move some stuff out of the house in order to better clean the corner. She shook her head and did not want us to move anything, perhaps misunderstanding that we wanted to throw it away.
I thought, "we've got a reluctant elderly person..." There are always some like that, a little bit stubborn in having things thrown, a little bit possessive over belongings.
The auntie then went to sit in the kitchen, my furtive glances at her told me she was wiping her tears away. I thought, "she's sad over her belongings".
We decided not to move the stuff out and instead got to cleaning. "Auntie, maybe you should sit outside?" So that we wouldn't be in each other's way, or she might slip from the wet floor.
"You want me to sit outside?" She looked dismayed.
But still went outside in the end. She shuffled in once a while to tune the radio, turning it on to the loudest. English pop music blared out. "She couldn't hear very well" I reasoned.
We worked in silence-of conversation, since the loud music drowned out everything else.
As I cleaned the windows I noted her old pictures, one with her receiving an award, another a certification, and many photos of Catholic saints. It was a house, left behind by time.
"God have you forgotten her?" I asked myself. Many old people lived this way, alone, ill and helpless. "God, have you forsaken her?"
There were dust everywhere. Grey dust piled so thickly upon each other that they too grew old and sooty. Fortunately I was wearing a mask and gloves, if not I might have...found it hard to clean up without
I also spent the night before praying hard that I wouldn't get assigned to a house with bed bugs, or with the old man with incontrollable bowel movements. I prayed I'll get an easy house...
and I did.
It's only now that I realise it might not be as easy as I thought it was.
SInce knowing I had to do house-cleaning duty today, I dragged Grace down with me (since why go down yourself when you can drag a friend with you?).
As we took the lift to reach our assigned house, I can't help but shudder at the unhygienic state of the neighbourhood, smelling of urine, with its floors stained by animal droppings. It was an immersion therapy for an OCD a psychologist would be proud of. The three of us Grace, another volunteer and I travelled through a long corridor, past rows and rows of closed doors.
"Oh so these are where they are!" D exclaimed. "You know those Channel 8 shows where they film these places, I've always wondered where they are!"
"Yah I also always wondered!" Grace replied.
Having already seen another example in a previous cleaning trip, I didn't say anything.
We finally arrived at #09-1952. Homeowner profile, Agnes, 82 lives alone. Needs 3 lightbulbs changed. Speaks English and Cantonese.
"She's a Catholic!" I said excitedly when I saw the little picture of Mother Mary and the Infant Jesus pasted outside the door. The only door to have a form of visible decoration.
We knocked and shouted because the homeowner was a little deaf, only to see a partially blind old lady shuffling silently and almost sulkily to us, showing us the door was actually opened.
We walked into a gloomy flat, while the auntie sat at the edge of her bed, still silent.
"Auntie, we're gonna clean the flat ok?"
And we got to eat. This being my first time doing cleaning, I was kinda unsure of what to do. Besides, Heidi has OCD so these kinda cleaning things are often very trying on her. Grace and D already got to sweeping and cleaning the toilet respectively. I struggled to put on gloves and think of what to do when the broom had already been taken up.
I then hit upon the brilliance of cleaning the window. The very dusty windows.
The auntie had difficulty walking and seemed not to know where to sit in order not to be in our way. We asked her if we could move some stuff out of the house in order to better clean the corner. She shook her head and did not want us to move anything, perhaps misunderstanding that we wanted to throw it away.
I thought, "we've got a reluctant elderly person..." There are always some like that, a little bit stubborn in having things thrown, a little bit possessive over belongings.
The auntie then went to sit in the kitchen, my furtive glances at her told me she was wiping her tears away. I thought, "she's sad over her belongings".
We decided not to move the stuff out and instead got to cleaning. "Auntie, maybe you should sit outside?" So that we wouldn't be in each other's way, or she might slip from the wet floor.
"You want me to sit outside?" She looked dismayed.
But still went outside in the end. She shuffled in once a while to tune the radio, turning it on to the loudest. English pop music blared out. "She couldn't hear very well" I reasoned.
We worked in silence-of conversation, since the loud music drowned out everything else.
As I cleaned the windows I noted her old pictures, one with her receiving an award, another a certification, and many photos of Catholic saints. It was a house, left behind by time.
"God have you forgotten her?" I asked myself. Many old people lived this way, alone, ill and helpless. "God, have you forsaken her?"
There were dust everywhere. Grey dust piled so thickly upon each other that they too grew old and sooty. Fortunately I was wearing a mask and gloves, if not I might have...found it hard to clean up without
Wednesday, October 19, 2011
Heteroglossia
The Brain is back!
Or at least functioning at normal levels...
Honestly I feel a bit stupid these days.
Like my english? It's deteriorating so badly I'm beginning to smell the compost of my grammar.
I really should start throwing away my romance novels and start reading serious stuff. Like Pulitzer winning stuff instead of Rita Best Romance winning stuff.
Whenever I tell people I dislike reading they either give me understanding looks or the "oh dear, what a pleb" look. Then they give me flabbergasted looks when they find out I'm a lit major. Even SY who has known me for years stared at me askance (like I was ET) actually told me she couldn't believe that I actually studied "all those" when I was telling her one day of complicated theories and mechanics of literature.
Yes yes I know I come across as almost as uncivilised as an uncultured bacteria, and I don't hesitate to show it. Honestly, there isn't much opportunity or need to put on my Lit black geek glasses in Singapore. I already am weird, if I start spazzing out and mumbling theories on Kristeva's notion of intertextuality when arguing why The Noose is so funny to Singaporeans but meaningless to foreigners, all but the most loyal of my friends are gonna desert me.
I acknowledge my ignorance in many areas, and incompetence in maths, even the brilliance of Lit peers I might not match up against. But sometimes...I do wish I can just use a little of what I learnt doing Lit without seeming like I'm deliberately trying too hard.
Unfortunately, there isn't much space in Singapore for the ah lian ang moh intellectual bimbo.
I don't dislike reading per se. I just fear the emotional turmoil that churns through me whenever I read something without a good ending and is just plain depressing (which most lit books are). In fact I still get depressed just remembering some books I've read YEARS ago. And I suspect my phobia of huge moths developed after reading "King of the castle".
Just yesterday, reading the ending to one of romance novels left such a bittersweet ache in my heart. It was poignant like the kiss of a lover before dawn, who dispersed like fragments of a dream when you wake up to realise the lover had died years before.
Yah dramatic Heidi.
On to another matter, family politics is supposed to be an oxymoron but is actually too much of a reality, most especially when someone is sick. The push-pull of responsibilities, attribution of blames...The world is all too human indeed.
(My mom is blasting loud music like a punk teen)
Tuesday, October 18, 2011
Baby doll pink
Today I wore a new dress to work. It was a dress given to me by my colleague whose room mate gave it to her because she couldn't fit in.
It wasn't my type of attire, firstly being a dress, secondly being frilly, thirdly, being pastel white and pink, fourthly, being short, fifthly being sleeveless.
At first I was hesitant to wear it, wondering if my colleagues will raise a little eyebrow at my not-usual choice of attire (you must understand I've been wearing dark colours often enough my colleague noticed and commented on it). But I was so brain tired the night before and in the morning that I simply couldn't find the effort to match shirts and pants anymore, and settled on the one-piece dress. Actually the choice was pretty much out of my hands considering that my I wore all the pants I had and haven't washed them yet. Plus today got meeting so can't wear casual jeans. So I thought aiya what the heck, it's just spot light effect, no one will even notice I'm wearing anything. Different.
"The dress fits you!"
"Hahaha yah it's a little short though, and I feel like a wedding cake that someone's gonna cut any moment."
"Wah, today wear such a cute dress. Like princess style."
"Uh yeah A gave it to me, so I wore it." I hastily tried to correct her impression that I own such a dress by choice.
"Today you got dinner is it?" (From a male married colleague)
"No lah, A gave it to me and I told her I'd wear it..."
"Oh cuz we at office don't wear like that mah, at least wear during special occasions!"
"But I don't have any special occasions! Ok I'll wear jeans tomorrow!" Really embarrassed now.
"You look nice in this dress!"
"Haha thanks I feel like a wedding cake."
And the final most embarrassing one...
"Actually yah, this dress is a bit too short for you, just now during the meeting I noticed it."
"Yah I have been spending the whole day trying to adjust it. And A told me she'll give me an even shorter dress."
Somehow, when I convince myself that I just have an overactive imagination and am being too self-conscious, people won't actually notice what I'm wearing and I should just stop worrying and repeat to myself ZH's oft used mantra "spotlight effect...spotlight effect..."
Maybe I ought to fire my psychologist.
Today is a day of small blessings, I haven't yet recovered from yesterday's migraine attack and had what is called a 'hangover'. The brain works so slowly, I had a sense of what it felt like to have low IQ. Not that having low IQ is bad. It's just that I felt like a bimbo in pink. And I felt the earth swaying, only to realise it was me and prayed so badly "please please PLEASE don't let me faint."
Fortunately, there wasn't much mind-numbing work today. We actually spent parts of it visiting a colleague who just gave birth( never knew her, but dang her house is nice and her baby is cute...and she's only 24!), and the last part of it travelling down to a meeting.
The best part of the meeting? It was near enough to my house that I could walk home. At 4+pm.
So yes I got home at 5pm today, early, and without having to rush through peak hour. Because I really think I couldn't make it through peak hour when I was already bleary in the brain and swaying on the feet. So yes, thank God for small blessings.
Tomorrow's meeting will be late at night though, oh well you gain some, you pay back some.
It wasn't my type of attire, firstly being a dress, secondly being frilly, thirdly, being pastel white and pink, fourthly, being short, fifthly being sleeveless.
At first I was hesitant to wear it, wondering if my colleagues will raise a little eyebrow at my not-usual choice of attire (you must understand I've been wearing dark colours often enough my colleague noticed and commented on it). But I was so brain tired the night before and in the morning that I simply couldn't find the effort to match shirts and pants anymore, and settled on the one-piece dress. Actually the choice was pretty much out of my hands considering that my I wore all the pants I had and haven't washed them yet. Plus today got meeting so can't wear casual jeans. So I thought aiya what the heck, it's just spot light effect, no one will even notice I'm wearing anything. Different.
"The dress fits you!"
"Hahaha yah it's a little short though, and I feel like a wedding cake that someone's gonna cut any moment."
"Wah, today wear such a cute dress. Like princess style."
"Uh yeah A gave it to me, so I wore it." I hastily tried to correct her impression that I own such a dress by choice.
"Today you got dinner is it?" (From a male married colleague)
"No lah, A gave it to me and I told her I'd wear it..."
"Oh cuz we at office don't wear like that mah, at least wear during special occasions!"
"But I don't have any special occasions! Ok I'll wear jeans tomorrow!" Really embarrassed now.
"You look nice in this dress!"
"Haha thanks I feel like a wedding cake."
And the final most embarrassing one...
"Actually yah, this dress is a bit too short for you, just now during the meeting I noticed it."
"Yah I have been spending the whole day trying to adjust it. And A told me she'll give me an even shorter dress."
Somehow, when I convince myself that I just have an overactive imagination and am being too self-conscious, people won't actually notice what I'm wearing and I should just stop worrying and repeat to myself ZH's oft used mantra "spotlight effect...spotlight effect..."
Maybe I ought to fire my psychologist.
Today is a day of small blessings, I haven't yet recovered from yesterday's migraine attack and had what is called a 'hangover'. The brain works so slowly, I had a sense of what it felt like to have low IQ. Not that having low IQ is bad. It's just that I felt like a bimbo in pink. And I felt the earth swaying, only to realise it was me and prayed so badly "please please PLEASE don't let me faint."
Fortunately, there wasn't much mind-numbing work today. We actually spent parts of it visiting a colleague who just gave birth( never knew her, but dang her house is nice and her baby is cute...and she's only 24!), and the last part of it travelling down to a meeting.
The best part of the meeting? It was near enough to my house that I could walk home. At 4+pm.
So yes I got home at 5pm today, early, and without having to rush through peak hour. Because I really think I couldn't make it through peak hour when I was already bleary in the brain and swaying on the feet. So yes, thank God for small blessings.
Tomorrow's meeting will be late at night though, oh well you gain some, you pay back some.
Monday, October 17, 2011
Headache, Heartache
Don't know whether it was the hours in the hospital, or tiredness or stress or people are just passing germs to me left right and centre, but I almost died from the migraine pain today while at work.
Fortunately Ah Ying was there to take bus home with me. Thank God she chose the bus, even though she made me walk to the control station then back to the bus stop again -_- Didn't think I could bear the crowded atmosphere on trains when I was about to collapse any moment.
I don't usually get attacks but this one was bad enough that I googled migraines and found out that I should keep a headache diary. I have concluded that it is a variety of factors including stress from the grandma's current situation.
I realise I rather be eaten by lions (as per Christian martyrs) than die of a headache.
Another stressful thing...I HAVE TO POKE MY LITTLE BOY'S BUTT.
I know I know, sounds wrong as heck. What it means is that my brother took Tacky to a vet and now Tacky has to go through injections daily! I rather take the pain for my little boy! And that's saying a lot considering how I have needle phobia. Poor little Tacky, having to go through such pain, delivered from his owner no less. What a betrayal of his faith and trust!
I would like to post good stuff such as the dinner with Jiani, the lovely time with Zhu Hui and the hahaha time with the badminton girls (who made me so embarrassed in front Q's bf -_-...as usual)
Post another day when I'm feeling better.
Special thanks to YL who actually volunteered to go hospital with me.
Thank God for the little blessings in life.
Fortunately Ah Ying was there to take bus home with me. Thank God she chose the bus, even though she made me walk to the control station then back to the bus stop again -_- Didn't think I could bear the crowded atmosphere on trains when I was about to collapse any moment.
I don't usually get attacks but this one was bad enough that I googled migraines and found out that I should keep a headache diary. I have concluded that it is a variety of factors including stress from the grandma's current situation.
I realise I rather be eaten by lions (as per Christian martyrs) than die of a headache.
Another stressful thing...I HAVE TO POKE MY LITTLE BOY'S BUTT.
I know I know, sounds wrong as heck. What it means is that my brother took Tacky to a vet and now Tacky has to go through injections daily! I rather take the pain for my little boy! And that's saying a lot considering how I have needle phobia. Poor little Tacky, having to go through such pain, delivered from his owner no less. What a betrayal of his faith and trust!
I would like to post good stuff such as the dinner with Jiani, the lovely time with Zhu Hui and the hahaha time with the badminton girls (who made me so embarrassed in front Q's bf -_-...as usual)
Post another day when I'm feeling better.
Special thanks to YL who actually volunteered to go hospital with me.
Thank God for the little blessings in life.
Friday, October 14, 2011
Memento Mori
I never thought I took life for granted, I never thought I was invincible, or that people live forever.
But sometimes I forget. Then the truth strikes, and this time I truly know what it means.
But sometimes I forget. Then the truth strikes, and this time I truly know what it means.
Tuesday, October 11, 2011
Kyrie Eleison
Sometimes I doubt a little whether I am in the place I am meant to be, what if the voice in my head...is really just the voice in my head?
Then I would have made a choice based solely upon the decisions of a deluded mind.
Now seeing reports of disasters, deaths, crisis piling upon each other like falling dominoes, realising the terrible situation out there...and I know, perhaps not with all certainty, but with a conviction that I need to make myself do something where and when help is needed most.
God is with you in all that you do.
Genesis 21:22
Saturday, October 08, 2011
Watering the root of all evil
I realise this job is ideal for me because now my money-making sensibilities and devious ideas can be put to good use! Literally.
So am I still considered materialistic and money-faced ah?
So am I still considered materialistic and money-faced ah?
Friday, October 07, 2011
Le Bleu
"So how's work? You've been here for one month already right?"
"Um no, this is my second week."
It's a good thing right, if your colleagues feel so familiar with you that you feel like an old-timer already.
Sometimes, regardless of what happens, it's nice to have someone just say this...
"Um no, this is my second week."
It's a good thing right, if your colleagues feel so familiar with you that you feel like an old-timer already.
Sometimes, regardless of what happens, it's nice to have someone just say this...
Tuesday, October 04, 2011
I can do everything through Him who gives me strength.
The first week at work passed by, and I must say I am really settling into my new environment like a turtle to its shell. Once of the worst things that happened to me was that someone came up to me, tapped me on the shoulder and then told me "your zip is open."
AHHHHHH.
Perhaps one of the most embarrassing moments of my life but it's ok, at least I wore nice pink undies.
So yesterday, I went crazy shopping, buying things on impulse and in particular, bought several items to cuten up my office space. 2 memopads (which I most likely won't have a chance to use), a nice Alice in Wonderland calendar and a Shinzi Katoh pouch. My colleagues commented on the cuteness of my items, with one colleague taking away my memopad to take a photo of it...so that she can use it for fundraising purposes.
I'm happy to be of any use to the office because a) there's not much for me to do in this slow period b) I'm afraid of being incompetent/useless c) I shall make myself useful and help because apparently everyone in the office helps each other out instead of doing tai-chi d) thing are so slow I had to keep stopping myself from falling into subconscious mode.
While helping my colleague source for elusive corporate emails on google, I inadvertently found treasure! My mad googling skills and experience in surfing the web and digging up the weirdest things come in handy!
"You really can be a detective!" commented my colleague a few times.
Meanwhile, I told myself "pride goeth before fall Heidi, always attribute your works to Him who strengthens me." Today's quote of the day.
The weekend before was a busy one, with my first home cleaning operations whereby I ran about taking pictures of the volunteers. You know how OCD I am, so having to step into one home infested with bed bugs, was throughly horrifying. I had psychological itching after that, but my colleagues told me it's my first time.
I think even on my 100th operation, I will still feel like I'm being stretched out on a torture rack of bed bugs.
On Sunday I had a full day church retreat. Even though I had watched the videos before, I still felt myself choking back tears at touching moments. It was a rewarding retreat, and the KFC dinner with Z was great too (albeit unhealthy).
It was tiring, but at least life is packed with meaning. Even now as I lay in bed with nothing to busy myself with, I almost feel a sense of emptiness for the lack of something to do.
I'm like this lazy body with a workaholic mind.
No matter what happens, I shall thank God I'm placed in this job, whereby I know that whatever I do, however indirectly or mundane, will aid someone else in life. Working for a higher purpose makes even boring periods, meaningful.
Sunday, October 02, 2011
Wednesday, September 28, 2011
Each One Called to Different Things
Just came back from MBS but figured I better post this in case I get too lazy and forget to (very likely)
Today's work day was pretty exciting, I could finally feel some part of the dynamism of what I'm doing and how I can contribute besides doing admin stuff.
Today's work day was pretty exciting, I could finally feel some part of the dynamism of what I'm doing and how I can contribute besides doing admin stuff.
I gave a short prayer of thanks to God that I am part of this growing and far-reaching team, where each person has something to contribute. When they came to the part of which celebrities to ask for help this time...I gave a contribution which was well-taken up!
"T----a C---a?"
"Yes, that would be good."
I couldn't help buy snorted out when they were talking about how certain celebrities' uh...preferences might affect them.
"It's an open secret what!"
"Yah but some people will mind and make noise!"
Ok can't really divulge much but it was really funny.
Yah, so other people think of bright ideas and good marketing strategies, I am well-verse in celeb area. Hahaha.
Today we had a devotional session too, and it is really interesting to join an organisation where spiritual welfare and other people's welfare is a priority. And there's singing too! Just that I'm almost a total noob at Christian songs so I could at most only hum along and nod.
Tasks for Job:
Learn some old school christian songs
Learn which celeb is likely to have an LV bag
Learn how to design badges (I might be in Arts but I so am not artsy)
Learn Microsoft Office (Sigh, really complicated stuff. Word is for Wusses)
Learn to solicite for fund-raisers and hosts ("DONATE PLEASE")
To be updated
Monday, September 26, 2011
Checklists (1)
Pantry - Check
Toilet - Check
Nice Colleagues - Check.
Large Table Space - Check
Comfortably-Sized Office - Check
Laptop of My Own - Check
Good/Cheap Food - Check
Facebook - Don't Dare to Use
Work Load - Looks Like It's Gonna Be A Lot of Admin
Operations/Hands-on Stuff - This Very Saturday, Bed Mites Here I Come
Do People Think You're Weird Yet - Try To Contain Myself, Even Though Occasional Bursts Seem Forthcoming
Fashion - I'll Try Not To Embarrass Myself
Reflections - Try To Sleep Enough Such That I Can Remember Names At Least 2 Seconds After I'm Told Instead of Saying "Eleanor?" When Colleague's Name is ... Analinda (??) Ok Forget It, I Forgot.
Toilet - Check
Nice Colleagues - Check.
Large Table Space - Check
Comfortably-Sized Office - Check
Laptop of My Own - Check
Good/Cheap Food - Check
Facebook - Don't Dare to Use
Work Load - Looks Like It's Gonna Be A Lot of Admin
Operations/Hands-on Stuff - This Very Saturday, Bed Mites Here I Come
Do People Think You're Weird Yet - Try To Contain Myself, Even Though Occasional Bursts Seem Forthcoming
Fashion - I'll Try Not To Embarrass Myself
Reflections - Try To Sleep Enough Such That I Can Remember Names At Least 2 Seconds After I'm Told Instead of Saying "Eleanor?" When Colleague's Name is ... Analinda (??) Ok Forget It, I Forgot.
Sunday, September 25, 2011
The Not-So Serenity Prayer
Most parents must have felt like I do the day before their baby was to start their first day of school -- anxious and hoping that the inevitable "sh*t happens" won't actually do.
I don't start school tomorrow but it sure feels like that. In fact I think I was rather excited about starting school and learning new things and making friends. My dear friends, readers, stalkers and Romans who thought they'd never see this day...Yes I'm getting married!
Sorry, that was my deluded self speaking.
I'll officially start work tomorrow.
Not just any ordinary job but my career, my life's purpose.
I'm so anxious I about hyperventilate each time I think about my life starting tomorrow.
I just know that people will find me weird, because I know I will be and I know that even if I tell myself I need to be socially cohesive it isn't in me to conform. It's a small enough office that if I whisper from the photocopier, the pantry coffee-makers will hear. Actually, I don't even know if there's a pantry!! I don't know if there's a nice toilet to settle down with, I don't know how many people work there, I don't know how the office actually looks like I don't know what my job scope is!!!!
PANIC ATTACK STARTS NOW.
Please God, please let me look back at this entry next time and be able to laugh at myself, not in the bitter yes-I-was-right kinda way but in the Oh-Heidi-you-silly-worrier kinda way!
Please let me make give my best, do what I ought and beyond, love with my whole heart and help without caring about returns. Ok maybe care a little bit, but not so much.
PLEASE LET MY COLLEGUES LIKE ME EVEN IF I'M WEIRD AND NOT THINK I'M AS INCOMPETENT AS SOMEONE WHO IS MENTALLY INCONTINENT.
Wednesday, September 21, 2011
Tuesday, September 20, 2011
Shou Zhu Dai Tu (Waiting for the Rabbit to Knock Its Head against the Tree)
I have spent many happy hours counting my salary and calculating how much I would be able to save ever since I was old enough to count by thousands.
Yesterday, I spent several fretful hours portioning out hundreds and trying to squeeze every last dollar, feeling panic that I am able to save effectively pittance against the rising forces of inflation and tempting (expensive)good food. I have decided that henceforth, even though I shall be a working adult earning my keep, I will still need to live like I'm on allowance - of a secondary school kid.
So these pri sch kids with iPads nowadays will probably have a higher allowance than I do.
OH WHYYYYYYYYYY.
So the laptop has spoilt, fixing is = $300 to $500 plus
I'll have to get a new laptop = $2387
I'll have to finish paying school loans = $15000+
I'll have to provide for my insurance = $222
I'll have to feed the turtles = $5
So expenses = $$$$$$
Heidi's salary after CPF = $
There, that should be a comprehensive algebraic equation.
Fortunately, as with Heidi's weird spate of good fortune, I have money dropping from the sky again.
Not much but enough to cover some.
I know right. Why do all these stuff always happen to me?
Because God will Provide. (NZH's creepy voice sounds in my head)
Yesterday, I spent several fretful hours portioning out hundreds and trying to squeeze every last dollar, feeling panic that I am able to save effectively pittance against the rising forces of inflation and tempting (expensive)good food. I have decided that henceforth, even though I shall be a working adult earning my keep, I will still need to live like I'm on allowance - of a secondary school kid.
So these pri sch kids with iPads nowadays will probably have a higher allowance than I do.
OH WHYYYYYYYYYY.
So the laptop has spoilt, fixing is = $300 to $500 plus
I'll have to get a new laptop = $2387
I'll have to finish paying school loans = $15000+
I'll have to provide for my insurance = $222
I'll have to feed the turtles = $5
So expenses = $$$$$$
Heidi's salary after CPF = $
There, that should be a comprehensive algebraic equation.
Fortunately, as with Heidi's weird spate of good fortune, I have money dropping from the sky again.
Not much but enough to cover some.
I know right. Why do all these stuff always happen to me?
Because God will Provide. (NZH's creepy voice sounds in my head)
If translated literally, the idiom of "Shou Zhu Dai Tu" is supposed to be "Sitting By A Stump, Waiting For A Careless Rabbit", but I prefer its English counterpart--"Wait For Windfalls". Its Chinese å®ˆæ ªå¾…å…”, and Pin Yin shÇ’u zhÅ« dà i tù .
During the Warring States Period in China, there lived a farmer in the state of Song who had a tree stump in his field.
One day while working in the fields, a frightened rabbit suddenly dashed out nowhere and bump into the stump accidentally. As a result, it fell dead with its neck broken.
The farmer happily took the rabbit home and cooked himself a delicious meal. That night lying on his bed, he thought:” Why do I need to work so hard in the field? All I have to do is wait for a rabbit to run into the stump each day.” So from then on he gave up farming, and simply sat by the stump waiting for another rabbit to come and knocked against it.
No more rabbits appeared, however, but he became the laughing-stock of state Song.
-Why rabbits die and people prosper
Wednesday, September 14, 2011
No Money, Got Honey
Now that I have a job and a definite starting period, I'm starting to get a little dismayed that my slacking resting time is ending soon! Furthermore I have many errands to run! Eg. Lose weight, do something about the dead Mac, take driving test, shop for clothes I can work in instead of sleep in, get a boyfriend get married get kids, hound people...for money.
Sigh, it really has been an idyllic time just having nothing to do but stare at and talk to Tacky everyday. And watch my korean dramas while going out with friends and sleeping in between. Not that I sleep with my friends. Wait, I did, last weekend.
Starngely enough, it has become even more enjoyable slacking since I know I have a job on hand already. Several times a day I'll have this vague panic that I am jobless and wasting my life away, then I'll remember and put a hand to my chest to calm myself down. "Heidi you have a job now you can relax and enjoy with no worries. You are not a P.U.P (Poor unemployed person)."
Despite how much of a bummer Amelia might see me as ("if it was me i don't know how to live with myself man.") I'm actually quite busy in my state of nothingness.
I just had expensive dinners for the past two days this week before it has even started.
Monday was crab dinner at a supposedly very popular and good crabby place with the 4th floor girls (and one Yiling who used to be from the 4th floor). We had to wait for over an hour just for the food to come. The wall behind us was filled up with a display of shiny red crab shells with celebrity signatures on them. Once in a while, curious people would come up to our table and take photos, not of us, but of the crab shells behind us. Nice for them that they had some pretty hot girls thrown in as the foreground. Who knows, maybe they were actually taking photos of us.
We had creamy butter crab with fried buns (so cholesterol-laden I could just feel the fats clogging up my arteries, all the way to the veins of my face), and crab bee hon in rich soup.
We were all tired, working (except Heidi) people and our faces showed it, but it was also comfortable to just sit around with familiar people and not care about how barbaric we looked fingering crabs.
Today I took advantage of a honey's generosity in treating me and ate almost $100 worth of lunch. BAHAHAHA. But I paid for dessert after that! Then I spent almost $300 buying clothes! In case you think why I haven't start work spend $ like tsunami like that, 2/3 of which was paid for by vouchers hehehe. And it's for work clothes! Although I work at Geylang (Singapore's euphemism for red-light district), I don't exactly need to wear nice clothes. "In fact it's best if I don't wear at all!" I exclaimed to a friend I met on the bus. I seem to be meeting many friends coincidentally on buses nowadays!
AHHH there's only a week left, I'm both scared and excited. I shall henceforth strive to be as fashionable a humanitarian worker as I can be!
Wish me luck (and money dropping from the sky) everybahdy!!
Sigh, it really has been an idyllic time just having nothing to do but stare at and talk to Tacky everyday. And watch my korean dramas while going out with friends and sleeping in between. Not that I sleep with my friends. Wait, I did, last weekend.
Starngely enough, it has become even more enjoyable slacking since I know I have a job on hand already. Several times a day I'll have this vague panic that I am jobless and wasting my life away, then I'll remember and put a hand to my chest to calm myself down. "Heidi you have a job now you can relax and enjoy with no worries. You are not a P.U.P (Poor unemployed person)."
Despite how much of a bummer Amelia might see me as ("if it was me i don't know how to live with myself man.") I'm actually quite busy in my state of nothingness.
I just had expensive dinners for the past two days this week before it has even started.
Monday was crab dinner at a supposedly very popular and good crabby place with the 4th floor girls (and one Yiling who used to be from the 4th floor). We had to wait for over an hour just for the food to come. The wall behind us was filled up with a display of shiny red crab shells with celebrity signatures on them. Once in a while, curious people would come up to our table and take photos, not of us, but of the crab shells behind us. Nice for them that they had some pretty hot girls thrown in as the foreground. Who knows, maybe they were actually taking photos of us.
We had creamy butter crab with fried buns (so cholesterol-laden I could just feel the fats clogging up my arteries, all the way to the veins of my face), and crab bee hon in rich soup.
We were all tired, working (except Heidi) people and our faces showed it, but it was also comfortable to just sit around with familiar people and not care about how barbaric we looked fingering crabs.
Today I took advantage of a honey's generosity in treating me and ate almost $100 worth of lunch. BAHAHAHA. But I paid for dessert after that! Then I spent almost $300 buying clothes! In case you think why I haven't start work spend $ like tsunami like that, 2/3 of which was paid for by vouchers hehehe. And it's for work clothes! Although I work at Geylang (Singapore's euphemism for red-light district), I don't exactly need to wear nice clothes. "In fact it's best if I don't wear at all!" I exclaimed to a friend I met on the bus. I seem to be meeting many friends coincidentally on buses nowadays!
AHHH there's only a week left, I'm both scared and excited. I shall henceforth strive to be as fashionable a humanitarian worker as I can be!
Wish me luck (and money dropping from the sky) everybahdy!!
Saturday, September 10, 2011
Goodbye, Hello and Next Time
Yesterday we sent Charlynn off on a long voyage to the middle of nowhere -- London. So that she can take her one year (or 9 months) course in Econs and next time rule us all. Can't wait.
It'll be very weird not to have her steady, dependable presence around and to occasionally accuse her of being kinky, or have her meticulous plans/groupon deals/spa/sudden beach resort trips.
Put it this way, 9 months sure is a long long time! But hope she'll enjoy herself in another island, MAKE FRIENDS, and enjoy herself seeing new stuff, reading The Economist and impressing brilliant students from other countries. :D
Bon Voyage and See You Again soon my dear friend!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Well the big decision I had to make was actually about my job offer. While in this journey towards acknowledging I'm not so much a doubtful atheist as an unconvinced theist, I finally realised what I should really achieve in life -- meaning. So I applied for all the social/humanitarium jobs I could come across. A part of me knew from last time that maybe this was supposed to be my path in life, however I refused to give in to it since being so unabashedly materialistic the pay is gonna be depressing.
And yes, I had a job offer from a Humanitarian organisation, almost immediately. I spent months trying to look for jobs I wasn't so enthusiastic about and didn't have gut feelings about and as expected, did not get them. The moment I finally realised my path in life and applied for the first social work job I came across, I got it.
And yes, the pay is much below what society expects from my qualifications (if any), below my peers, even below that of people with supposedly lower qualifications than I have.
I was feeling torn about whether to accept it, knowing that all my long held dreams of luxurious holidays, a car of my own and eating all the delicious places I wanted to eat at will have to be shoved aside. My basic need for financial comfort makes up such a fundamental part of me that people even recognise me as a miser/material girl since I was a Sec Sch kid planning out my future marriage to a CEO.
But I accepted it. Along with all the trials and tribulations it would bring. Along with the dismissal of securities and love for the finer things in life. I accepted that I will probably have to scrimp and save and eat vegetables for a living
BUT WHO SAYS THIS WILL BE FOREVA!!
Maybe the government will suddenly sponsor us, maybe one day people get so generous that they will donate more to non-profit organisations like us!
Maybe turtles will fly.
So people, wish me the best, pray I am nice to people and hope that I will suddenly have a lot of sugar daddies. Heheh.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Random note, there are several polaroid pictures all over the table...with my brother and his friends inside of it. He so young already have his own polaroid photos with friends?? Even his sister also doesn't have so many polaroids lor. Speaking of which, I have kinda been wanting to document some birthdays and outings with polaroids for a while, but never had the chance because I don't actually own a polaroid cam.
Maybe I should go and buy my own polaroid cam so I can actually document my birthdays and outings with polaroids, poignant reminders of moments in time, for my own and my friends's keepsake instead of depending on other people to take for me.
I already feel regretful I hadn't been able to capture the birthdays of these past few years and hang them on my wall or something as how people normally decorate their rooms so prettily.
Although I do already have a dslr...that I normally use for other's people's occasions. -_-
A dslr too bulky ah, plus it doesn't actually produce physical pictures.
Sigh. A luxury I would have to forgo for a while more at least, what with the laptop spoilt and bills to pay.
I'm currently resting at home now due to a lamentable tendency to keep sneezing at inopportune moments and feeling like something crawled in my nostrils and died in my throat.
I seriously overestimated my immunity against two sick friends who surrounded me for hours that night. (Even though HQ would say it's because I shared their food). But I didn't really!
It'll be very weird not to have her steady, dependable presence around and to occasionally accuse her of being kinky, or have her meticulous plans/groupon deals/spa/sudden beach resort trips.
Put it this way, 9 months sure is a long long time! But hope she'll enjoy herself in another island, MAKE FRIENDS, and enjoy herself seeing new stuff, reading The Economist and impressing brilliant students from other countries. :D
Bon Voyage and See You Again soon my dear friend!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Well the big decision I had to make was actually about my job offer. While in this journey towards acknowledging I'm not so much a doubtful atheist as an unconvinced theist, I finally realised what I should really achieve in life -- meaning. So I applied for all the social/humanitarium jobs I could come across. A part of me knew from last time that maybe this was supposed to be my path in life, however I refused to give in to it since being so unabashedly materialistic the pay is gonna be depressing.
And yes, I had a job offer from a Humanitarian organisation, almost immediately. I spent months trying to look for jobs I wasn't so enthusiastic about and didn't have gut feelings about and as expected, did not get them. The moment I finally realised my path in life and applied for the first social work job I came across, I got it.
And yes, the pay is much below what society expects from my qualifications (if any), below my peers, even below that of people with supposedly lower qualifications than I have.
I was feeling torn about whether to accept it, knowing that all my long held dreams of luxurious holidays, a car of my own and eating all the delicious places I wanted to eat at will have to be shoved aside. My basic need for financial comfort makes up such a fundamental part of me that people even recognise me as a miser/material girl since I was a Sec Sch kid planning out my future marriage to a CEO.
But I accepted it. Along with all the trials and tribulations it would bring. Along with the dismissal of securities and love for the finer things in life. I accepted that I will probably have to scrimp and save and eat vegetables for a living
BUT WHO SAYS THIS WILL BE FOREVA!!
Maybe the government will suddenly sponsor us, maybe one day people get so generous that they will donate more to non-profit organisations like us!
Maybe turtles will fly.
So people, wish me the best, pray I am nice to people and hope that I will suddenly have a lot of sugar daddies. Heheh.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Random note, there are several polaroid pictures all over the table...with my brother and his friends inside of it. He so young already have his own polaroid photos with friends?? Even his sister also doesn't have so many polaroids lor. Speaking of which, I have kinda been wanting to document some birthdays and outings with polaroids for a while, but never had the chance because I don't actually own a polaroid cam.
Maybe I should go and buy my own polaroid cam so I can actually document my birthdays and outings with polaroids, poignant reminders of moments in time, for my own and my friends's keepsake instead of depending on other people to take for me.
I already feel regretful I hadn't been able to capture the birthdays of these past few years and hang them on my wall or something as how people normally decorate their rooms so prettily.
Although I do already have a dslr...that I normally use for other's people's occasions. -_-
A dslr too bulky ah, plus it doesn't actually produce physical pictures.
Sigh. A luxury I would have to forgo for a while more at least, what with the laptop spoilt and bills to pay.
I'm currently resting at home now due to a lamentable tendency to keep sneezing at inopportune moments and feeling like something crawled in my nostrils and died in my throat.
I seriously overestimated my immunity against two sick friends who surrounded me for hours that night. (Even though HQ would say it's because I shared their food). But I didn't really!
Wednesday, September 07, 2011
A Few Days and Lapses in Between in the Life of H
As I sit here typing furtively hoping no one will come into the room to see what I am doing, I sorely miss having the convenience of a laptop.
What happened to Heidi's faithful old mac that has been through so much including toilet trips!
It died.
AHHHHHHHHHHHHh.
That's why my updates have been so infrequent and short.
Alright please donate to the HLF, Heidi's Laptop Fund!
Let me update you about Today's Driving. I thought the other instructor who gave me a lot of instructions was bad enough, but I don't know why...I have this propensity to get involved with instructors whose teaching styles really clash with my limited intellectual ability to listen, absorb and still drive at the same time.
My instructor today, was the same instructor I had yesterday (even I though I like prayed not to get the same one). Unlike the other instructor who gave me so detailed instructions I felt like I was going through some technical camp, this one...can't tell left from right, or gave me such mixed instructions I was so frustrated I actually rolled my eyes a few times.
And he repeats himself. Again. and Again. and Again. and Again. Over the most...common sensical things. Such as "don't look at this mirror, it's my mirror." (repeat every few minutes)
Or "since you not driving Auto, you don't have to be tested on the ramp." (repeat every time we passed by the ramp)
And he loves to chit chat too, about very very random stuff. And people, you know how random Heidi is right, I lose to this guy. If he say he Number 1, I call myself number 548938472.
But, he is nice lah. So I feel guilty complaining about him. Not him exactly, just his way of teaching.
Ok enough about boring driving matters, I have officially learned all lessons, and am now waiting to take me driving test!!!! PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE LET ME PASS ON MY FIRST TRY SO I CAN HAVE BOASTING RIGHTS.
IMPORTANT STUFF ABOUT HEIDI'S LIFE (Ergo, everything)
The important decision. Now is not the time to post about it, but Ah Ying immediately msg me "what impt decision!!??"
Some of you will have known by now what it is, I promise to do a separate entry on it because it's so meaningful and fulfilling and stuff...No, I'm not getting married or having premarital babies.
RANDOM EVENTS WITH HEIDI'S FAV PEOPLE (not everyone)
While sitting on the bus, Ah Ying needed a tissue as her nose was itchy(she was sick and still met up with me, because she wanted to pass me some disease) so Yiling said "I have one!"
Then Yiling and I continued talking about her recent trip to America with her Ang Moh boyfriend (I introduced Ah Ying to Yiling by saying this "Shi Ying, Yiling. Yiling, Shi Ying. Yiling has an ang moh boyfriend. Shi Ying just broke her fingers while playing basketball.")
I asked Yiling if she bought any souvenirs back for me, she told she bought white pepper from US for her grandma.
Then Ah Ying interrupted "did you put the pepper in your bag? Because, your tissue, smells very very strongly of pepper."
Ah Ying then suffered convulsions from her already itchy nose.
Lesson learnt: Breathing in pepper while you already feel like sneezing, does, according to urban legend, make your sneeze itch worse.
Yiling apologised profusely while I giggled like gerbil thinking it just too ironic Ah Ying was offered pepper tissue when the purpose was to stop her from sneezing.
What happened to Heidi's faithful old mac that has been through so much including toilet trips!
It died.
AHHHHHHHHHHHHh.
That's why my updates have been so infrequent and short.
Alright please donate to the HLF, Heidi's Laptop Fund!
Let me update you about Today's Driving. I thought the other instructor who gave me a lot of instructions was bad enough, but I don't know why...I have this propensity to get involved with instructors whose teaching styles really clash with my limited intellectual ability to listen, absorb and still drive at the same time.
My instructor today, was the same instructor I had yesterday (even I though I like prayed not to get the same one). Unlike the other instructor who gave me so detailed instructions I felt like I was going through some technical camp, this one...can't tell left from right, or gave me such mixed instructions I was so frustrated I actually rolled my eyes a few times.
And he repeats himself. Again. and Again. and Again. and Again. Over the most...common sensical things. Such as "don't look at this mirror, it's my mirror." (repeat every few minutes)
Or "since you not driving Auto, you don't have to be tested on the ramp." (repeat every time we passed by the ramp)
And he loves to chit chat too, about very very random stuff. And people, you know how random Heidi is right, I lose to this guy. If he say he Number 1, I call myself number 548938472.
But, he is nice lah. So I feel guilty complaining about him. Not him exactly, just his way of teaching.
Ok enough about boring driving matters, I have officially learned all lessons, and am now waiting to take me driving test!!!! PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE LET ME PASS ON MY FIRST TRY SO I CAN HAVE BOASTING RIGHTS.
IMPORTANT STUFF ABOUT HEIDI'S LIFE (Ergo, everything)
The important decision. Now is not the time to post about it, but Ah Ying immediately msg me "what impt decision!!??"
Some of you will have known by now what it is, I promise to do a separate entry on it because it's so meaningful and fulfilling and stuff...No, I'm not getting married or having premarital babies.
RANDOM EVENTS WITH HEIDI'S FAV PEOPLE (not everyone)
While sitting on the bus, Ah Ying needed a tissue as her nose was itchy(she was sick and still met up with me, because she wanted to pass me some disease) so Yiling said "I have one!"
Then Yiling and I continued talking about her recent trip to America with her Ang Moh boyfriend (I introduced Ah Ying to Yiling by saying this "Shi Ying, Yiling. Yiling, Shi Ying. Yiling has an ang moh boyfriend. Shi Ying just broke her fingers while playing basketball.")
I asked Yiling if she bought any souvenirs back for me, she told she bought white pepper from US for her grandma.
Then Ah Ying interrupted "did you put the pepper in your bag? Because, your tissue, smells very very strongly of pepper."
Ah Ying then suffered convulsions from her already itchy nose.
Lesson learnt: Breathing in pepper while you already feel like sneezing, does, according to urban legend, make your sneeze itch worse.
Yiling apologised profusely while I giggled like gerbil thinking it just too ironic Ah Ying was offered pepper tissue when the purpose was to stop her from sneezing.
Friday, September 02, 2011
Personal Cross
Wanted to post about some past love affair however today is not the day to post about lost loves!
It is a day to beg for prayers and discernment and peace.
PEOPLE I NEEDA MAKE A MAJOR DECISION.
And well, I kinda already know the decision I'll make but I still need time to come to terms with it.
Thursday revelation about Money and Materialism is really apt considering the circumstances I am in now.
Ok I know I'm vague and annoyingly so, but I promise I'll tell you guys what happened k.
Even if you guys happen to be some random online stalker or cyber entity. I figure if you read my blog, you own a little piece of Heidi and are thus already entitled to share a little in Heidi's happenstances.
Ok who wants to know more put up your hands! (because I have a feeling I'll just forget to type about it anyway -_-)
It is a day to beg for prayers and discernment and peace.
PEOPLE I NEEDA MAKE A MAJOR DECISION.
And well, I kinda already know the decision I'll make but I still need time to come to terms with it.
Thursday revelation about Money and Materialism is really apt considering the circumstances I am in now.
Ok I know I'm vague and annoyingly so, but I promise I'll tell you guys what happened k.
Even if you guys happen to be some random online stalker or cyber entity. I figure if you read my blog, you own a little piece of Heidi and are thus already entitled to share a little in Heidi's happenstances.
Ok who wants to know more put up your hands! (because I have a feeling I'll just forget to type about it anyway -_-)
Sunday, August 28, 2011
Some day we'll know...what is all the heartache for.
"Sometimes we love with nothing more than hope. Sometimes we cry with everything except tears."
-Gregory David Roberts
-Gregory David Roberts
Wednesday, August 24, 2011
Giving Thanks
Truly I say, it makes me most happy to have received this gift. Wondrous gift, especially when I have been longing for it so fervently that I didn't even know I was longing for it, except in the subconscious corners of my soul making this request.
Tuesday, August 23, 2011
999th: Discernment
We each have one or more missions in life, sometimes finding out what it is can be a mission in itself. Sometimes, we don't even know what our mission is until we're old and looking back at our lives and the things we have done. Sometimes our mission goes unfulfilled. But asking ourselves what our mission in this life is, is already a great start. So many live their lives without even knowing what they want out of it, what they want out of themselves.
Our mission can bring lots of pain and sacrifices along the way, we might never stop questioning whether there is anything to what we're doing. Feel dejected, hopeless and even futile. But at the end of a tiring day, a little voice encourages us onwards, it might be as innocuous as the sight of little sparrows singing, or something more affirmative like the birth of a child. A new day will start again, no matter hiw tired or dejected you might be. That's the gift that life brings; it will go on no matter what.
Find your mission in life, ask questions of it, and follow what your heart tells you. Whenever you're feeling lost, read this and remember someone out there is cheering for you. Take heart, spread your wings and fly out into the great unknown. Let love be your guide. Life awaits.
"I know the plans I have in mind for you...Then when you call to me, and come to plead with I will listen to you. When you seek me you shall find me, when you seek me with all your heart; I will let you find me." (Jeremiah 29:11-14)
Our mission can bring lots of pain and sacrifices along the way, we might never stop questioning whether there is anything to what we're doing. Feel dejected, hopeless and even futile. But at the end of a tiring day, a little voice encourages us onwards, it might be as innocuous as the sight of little sparrows singing, or something more affirmative like the birth of a child. A new day will start again, no matter hiw tired or dejected you might be. That's the gift that life brings; it will go on no matter what.
Find your mission in life, ask questions of it, and follow what your heart tells you. Whenever you're feeling lost, read this and remember someone out there is cheering for you. Take heart, spread your wings and fly out into the great unknown. Let love be your guide. Life awaits.
"I know the plans I have in mind for you...Then when you call to me, and come to plead with I will listen to you. When you seek me you shall find me, when you seek me with all your heart; I will let you find me." (Jeremiah 29:11-14)
Sunday, August 21, 2011
Holy, Elbow
Don't know why but I was extraordinarily tired today, from the moment I woke up I already had that achy exhausted feeling, and today was Pilgrimage day some more!
These two weeks also super busy ones for me, with roadshows, lessons, and events to plan, money to collect I think...WHY EVERYTIME LIKE THAT ONE! When I'm not busy, I can be slack enough that I start turning a little green from growing moss. When I'm busy however, events happen like a rolling boulder, so fast and hurried that if you can't outrun it, you get flattened by it.
I really wanted to post about today and my fun time trying to explore baptism names (Heidi) and gaining inspiration for death quotes (Lea) by looking at urn niches at a Columbarium -- where they place altars of the deceased. The one at St Theresa's Church was very peaceful, pretty and garden-like.
Looking at the sunshine and happy fish floating about the pond, I told L that "next time I want my ashes to be put here!"
"Har here ah, my family will have to travel all the way up here to visit me then?" L exclaimed. "If I have any family left," she added.
"Dude, why are you always saying such morbid stuff." I was disturbed.
Oh so I ended up posting a bit of it hahaha.
You know, some of you might burst out in disbelieving chuckles, I actually think I have an inclination to be a nun one day. Especially after visiting the Carmelite nuns, I always have this idea at the back of my head that I could see myself living that sort of cloistered life. Now now, but one day maybe.
After church, I planned to stop by Botak Jones and Serangoon to da bao dinner home. However, as I alighted at that stop I notice...BOTAK JONES HAS CLOSED DOWN. Wha? Since I already made a special stop to buy dinner, I decided to might as well walk to NEX to have dinner and was wondering which place I can eat without looking inconspicuous dining alone. Then I notice this group of kids in front of me with their maid and their mother (or so I thought).
So the maid was walking in front, leading them, and the mother tried to hold the little boy's hand. He flung her hand away and ran ahead instead, and ask the maid to hold his hand.
"Wah...if I was the mother I'll feel hurt lor." I thought.
I decided upon Yoshinoya for dinner (they have beef bowls with those quivering half-boiled eggs!) and coincidentally, so did the group of kids, maid and mother too! The maid, a rather out-spoken Filipino, bought meals for all of them while the kids and their mom sat down.
Feeling puzzled at this situation, I sat some place opposite them where I can get a good view at dysfunctional family dynamics.
As it was an odd number, one person was left out when the group sat down to have the meal. And it was...you guess it, the mother, who was left sitting alone while the maid and kids sat together and talked and shared. The mother hardly spoke at all and had a silent meal.
It was then I realise that she couldn't possibly the mother, not when everyone didn't seem to pay her much attention, or respect at all. Was she another maid instead? I felt very indignant on behalf, since the little boy was positively rude and dismissive of her. Plus all the kids ignored her!
I figured it was probably because of her older age, and rather unassuming appearance. Like those spinster aunty look.
"If I was a parent ah, I'll teach my kids better lor. This is confirmed not a Christian family. These kids ah...no respect at all." I commented to myself in my own mind while slurping my half-boiled egg.
The mother/maid finished her food and stood around while waiting for them, no one talked to her AT ALL. But she didn't show initiative with the kids too, even when the little boy (whom I suspect has ADHD or something) zoomed around pulling his sister's hair and being a general menace. His elder sisters were the one pulling him back or keeping him in line.
I observed them till all of them stood up to leave, and then I left my meal too. Wondering. Even on the bus ride back I wondered. "Maybe if I was an ostracised maid, I also wouldn't show initiative, since any attempts I made would be met with rebuff or rebuke from the kids."
The person beside me vacated her seat, and I managed to sit get a seat amidst the desperate crowd (the bus stop outside NEX always have an unruly group of passengers). One guy had commented behind me at all the pushing and shoving, "the bus will still be waiting lor."
Suddenly, someone's elbow knocked me out of my reverie when it connected with my forehead. I was stunned, as if I had just woken from a coma. The guy turned to apologise to me and I said it's ok.
Then I walked back home in a tired daze.
These two weeks also super busy ones for me, with roadshows, lessons, and events to plan, money to collect I think...WHY EVERYTIME LIKE THAT ONE! When I'm not busy, I can be slack enough that I start turning a little green from growing moss. When I'm busy however, events happen like a rolling boulder, so fast and hurried that if you can't outrun it, you get flattened by it.
I really wanted to post about today and my fun time trying to explore baptism names (Heidi) and gaining inspiration for death quotes (Lea) by looking at urn niches at a Columbarium -- where they place altars of the deceased. The one at St Theresa's Church was very peaceful, pretty and garden-like.
Looking at the sunshine and happy fish floating about the pond, I told L that "next time I want my ashes to be put here!"
"Har here ah, my family will have to travel all the way up here to visit me then?" L exclaimed. "If I have any family left," she added.
"Dude, why are you always saying such morbid stuff." I was disturbed.
Oh so I ended up posting a bit of it hahaha.
You know, some of you might burst out in disbelieving chuckles, I actually think I have an inclination to be a nun one day. Especially after visiting the Carmelite nuns, I always have this idea at the back of my head that I could see myself living that sort of cloistered life. Now now, but one day maybe.
After church, I planned to stop by Botak Jones and Serangoon to da bao dinner home. However, as I alighted at that stop I notice...BOTAK JONES HAS CLOSED DOWN. Wha? Since I already made a special stop to buy dinner, I decided to might as well walk to NEX to have dinner and was wondering which place I can eat without looking inconspicuous dining alone. Then I notice this group of kids in front of me with their maid and their mother (or so I thought).
So the maid was walking in front, leading them, and the mother tried to hold the little boy's hand. He flung her hand away and ran ahead instead, and ask the maid to hold his hand.
"Wah...if I was the mother I'll feel hurt lor." I thought.
I decided upon Yoshinoya for dinner (they have beef bowls with those quivering half-boiled eggs!) and coincidentally, so did the group of kids, maid and mother too! The maid, a rather out-spoken Filipino, bought meals for all of them while the kids and their mom sat down.
Feeling puzzled at this situation, I sat some place opposite them where I can get a good view at dysfunctional family dynamics.
As it was an odd number, one person was left out when the group sat down to have the meal. And it was...you guess it, the mother, who was left sitting alone while the maid and kids sat together and talked and shared. The mother hardly spoke at all and had a silent meal.
It was then I realise that she couldn't possibly the mother, not when everyone didn't seem to pay her much attention, or respect at all. Was she another maid instead? I felt very indignant on behalf, since the little boy was positively rude and dismissive of her. Plus all the kids ignored her!
I figured it was probably because of her older age, and rather unassuming appearance. Like those spinster aunty look.
"If I was a parent ah, I'll teach my kids better lor. This is confirmed not a Christian family. These kids ah...no respect at all." I commented to myself in my own mind while slurping my half-boiled egg.
The mother/maid finished her food and stood around while waiting for them, no one talked to her AT ALL. But she didn't show initiative with the kids too, even when the little boy (whom I suspect has ADHD or something) zoomed around pulling his sister's hair and being a general menace. His elder sisters were the one pulling him back or keeping him in line.
I observed them till all of them stood up to leave, and then I left my meal too. Wondering. Even on the bus ride back I wondered. "Maybe if I was an ostracised maid, I also wouldn't show initiative, since any attempts I made would be met with rebuff or rebuke from the kids."
The person beside me vacated her seat, and I managed to sit get a seat amidst the desperate crowd (the bus stop outside NEX always have an unruly group of passengers). One guy had commented behind me at all the pushing and shoving, "the bus will still be waiting lor."
Suddenly, someone's elbow knocked me out of my reverie when it connected with my forehead. I was stunned, as if I had just woken from a coma. The guy turned to apologise to me and I said it's ok.
Then I walked back home in a tired daze.
Friday, August 19, 2011
O Hanami
"Are you a student here."
"Yes."
"College or high school?"
"University."
"What do you study."
"English."
"How do you study English?"
"Uh..I study English Literature." And I waited for the reply that I ALWAYS expect people to say.
"Do you study Shakespeare?"
"Yes."
He was probably puzzled at the chuckle I gave myself.
"Isn't is very hard to study?"
"No."
As we stood side by side in a close proximity, he asked, "what do you do to play around here?"
Since he is Japanese and just new to Singapore, I assumed he meant what entertainment Singaporeans hook up on. But you never know with Japanese guys, what they actually mean. My guard, already up like porcupine quills, immediately shot up further.
"Play? Umm...I watch the movies."
"What sort of movies do you like?"
"Um..." Harry potter? Fighting shows? Medieval movies? How do you say them in simple English??
"Anything."
"Really?" He was probably surprised that a girl is so sui bian(easy-going). And not in that way please. "I like comedy romance, when I watch I can cry!"
"Really?" Sappy guy isn't he?
There we were, each tending our own booths but never more than 1.5m away from each other due to space constraints. I tried my best to avoid him as much as a packed sardine could avoid another sardine. And give curt answers and avoid eye contact. You know, like an anti-social misfit.
Towards the end of the day.
"Do you have a boyfriend?" I KNEW IT IIII KNEW IT.
"Umm hahah no."
"Why no boyfriend? You broke up before?"
"No."
"I just broke up...I'm free now." Okaaay.
"Oh you just broke up? I see..." Heidi sidles away. What am I supposed to say? ALRIGHT LET'S HAVE SOME PLAY PLAY TIME NOW.
Minutes later I see him chatting very happily with an equally happy Japanese girl.
I snorted inwardly. Enjoying your freedom huh? Seizing the day to the fullest!
Yeap, the sum of my day spent trying not to flirt with the Japanese co-worker next to me...whom I might add is actually quite cute.
Oh, I also caught this young Japanese chef exploring my area rather too frequently and wandering why do I seem to be always meeting his gaze. Am I being paranoid or is the air of desperation/Springtime amour here getting rather thick??
FYI, I was dressed in jeans and t-shirt and something close to sandals. Plus, I look like a hobo (at least that's what I see when I tried scrutinising myself in the mirror). You know what, I think it's desperation.
p/s: I almost knocked into a van today. If I don't change instructors soon, I'm going to think I have a deplorable and dangerous lack of driving skills.
"Yes."
"College or high school?"
"University."
"What do you study."
"English."
"How do you study English?"
"Uh..I study English Literature." And I waited for the reply that I ALWAYS expect people to say.
"Do you study Shakespeare?"
"Yes."
He was probably puzzled at the chuckle I gave myself.
"Isn't is very hard to study?"
"No."
As we stood side by side in a close proximity, he asked, "what do you do to play around here?"
Since he is Japanese and just new to Singapore, I assumed he meant what entertainment Singaporeans hook up on. But you never know with Japanese guys, what they actually mean. My guard, already up like porcupine quills, immediately shot up further.
"Play? Umm...I watch the movies."
"What sort of movies do you like?"
"Um..." Harry potter? Fighting shows? Medieval movies? How do you say them in simple English??
"Anything."
"Really?" He was probably surprised that a girl is so sui bian(easy-going). And not in that way please. "I like comedy romance, when I watch I can cry!"
"Really?" Sappy guy isn't he?
There we were, each tending our own booths but never more than 1.5m away from each other due to space constraints. I tried my best to avoid him as much as a packed sardine could avoid another sardine. And give curt answers and avoid eye contact. You know, like an anti-social misfit.
Towards the end of the day.
"Do you have a boyfriend?" I KNEW IT IIII KNEW IT.
"Umm hahah no."
"Why no boyfriend? You broke up before?"
"No."
"I just broke up...I'm free now." Okaaay.
"Oh you just broke up? I see..." Heidi sidles away. What am I supposed to say? ALRIGHT LET'S HAVE SOME PLAY PLAY TIME NOW.
Minutes later I see him chatting very happily with an equally happy Japanese girl.
I snorted inwardly. Enjoying your freedom huh? Seizing the day to the fullest!
Yeap, the sum of my day spent trying not to flirt with the Japanese co-worker next to me...whom I might add is actually quite cute.
Oh, I also caught this young Japanese chef exploring my area rather too frequently and wandering why do I seem to be always meeting his gaze. Am I being paranoid or is the air of desperation/Springtime amour here getting rather thick??
FYI, I was dressed in jeans and t-shirt and something close to sandals. Plus, I look like a hobo (at least that's what I see when I tried scrutinising myself in the mirror). You know what, I think it's desperation.
p/s: I almost knocked into a van today. If I don't change instructors soon, I'm going to think I have a deplorable and dangerous lack of driving skills.
Thursday, August 18, 2011
Weighty Matters
So after praying that I would not meet with the same instructor today - and it's a different time slot too! - I managed to steel my expression against a discernible display of dismay when I saw who was to be my instructor today.
I resentfully thought, as I didn't manage to change gears in time and came to forced stops, late turnings and stalling...that I didn't make such mistakes with other instructors.
I think maybe the thing is, he gets me thinking too much about all my actions.
Which is good in a way since I actually have to know the theory behind everything. But, bad because I don't like to think too much.
I know he has good intentions, because out of all the other instructors, he makes an effort to guide me through my mistakes and even takes me back to the centre late (which is a good thing because it shows he wants to teach more than care about the time). So I have to be grateful for that. And I have made some improvements. It's just that...he wearies me out with a lot of instructions...so I have found out the way to deal with that is to switch off.
Hear only the good stuff. I wish.
.
I almost knocked into a motorcycle today. Not because no control k, it's cuz motorcycles really love to sidle up to your blind spot and any gap in between and pretend that they are living dangerously and coolly. The uncle even looked into my car as if I was the one making a mistake. I mean yes, I didn't pay more attention to my blind spot...but I HAVE A FREAKIN LEARNER'S SIGN ON THE CAR...So he should just you know, give way to me and understand that I can't exactly look out for his safety when I can't even take care of my own!
OK enough about the trials of driving lesson, I make myself sound like an inept driver, which I'm actually not. I think.
I'm looking at my beautiful Tacky now, and he is in his "shen lan yao" (stretching lazily) mode and looking at me while I type. So pffft cute. I don't know why people cannot see the beauty of turtles.
Today I went for another round of church lessons with a bleary- eyed ZH. Even though she has the constitution of an ox and all, she gets fatigued rather easily. She still has to do factory production work when she gets home (with her blog shop business). So she took a taxi home today and I hopped on, marveling at the wonder that it was the first time ever that she's treating me.
"It's not the first time lor" she bit back.
"Got other times meh? When? I can't remember leh." I replied annoyingly.
"Nevermind." And she refuses to answer. Later she tried to weasel out of paying the full taxi fare until I harangued her about it.
It's nice once in a while to be treated -- takes the responsibility off monetarily.
I better start earning money soon, while money isn't everything, it does put a strain and heavy load on someone to be always paying the bills. Atlas needs to share the weight of the world too.
Pleaseeeee let me get a job soon....the one that I applied for!!
I also get fatigued very easily, so please also give me the strength to carry out the facilitating of youths in the coming programme!
I resentfully thought, as I didn't manage to change gears in time and came to forced stops, late turnings and stalling...that I didn't make such mistakes with other instructors.
I think maybe the thing is, he gets me thinking too much about all my actions.
Which is good in a way since I actually have to know the theory behind everything. But, bad because I don't like to think too much.
I know he has good intentions, because out of all the other instructors, he makes an effort to guide me through my mistakes and even takes me back to the centre late (which is a good thing because it shows he wants to teach more than care about the time). So I have to be grateful for that. And I have made some improvements. It's just that...he wearies me out with a lot of instructions...so I have found out the way to deal with that is to switch off.
Hear only the good stuff. I wish.
.
I almost knocked into a motorcycle today. Not because no control k, it's cuz motorcycles really love to sidle up to your blind spot and any gap in between and pretend that they are living dangerously and coolly. The uncle even looked into my car as if I was the one making a mistake. I mean yes, I didn't pay more attention to my blind spot...but I HAVE A FREAKIN LEARNER'S SIGN ON THE CAR...So he should just you know, give way to me and understand that I can't exactly look out for his safety when I can't even take care of my own!
OK enough about the trials of driving lesson, I make myself sound like an inept driver, which I'm actually not. I think.
I'm looking at my beautiful Tacky now, and he is in his "shen lan yao" (stretching lazily) mode and looking at me while I type. So pffft cute. I don't know why people cannot see the beauty of turtles.
Today I went for another round of church lessons with a bleary- eyed ZH. Even though she has the constitution of an ox and all, she gets fatigued rather easily. She still has to do factory production work when she gets home (with her blog shop business). So she took a taxi home today and I hopped on, marveling at the wonder that it was the first time ever that she's treating me.
"It's not the first time lor" she bit back.
"Got other times meh? When? I can't remember leh." I replied annoyingly.
"Nevermind." And she refuses to answer. Later she tried to weasel out of paying the full taxi fare until I harangued her about it.
It's nice once in a while to be treated -- takes the responsibility off monetarily.
I better start earning money soon, while money isn't everything, it does put a strain and heavy load on someone to be always paying the bills. Atlas needs to share the weight of the world too.
Pleaseeeee let me get a job soon....the one that I applied for!!
I also get fatigued very easily, so please also give me the strength to carry out the facilitating of youths in the coming programme!
Wednesday, August 17, 2011
Driving Reverie
I don't know whether it's my spastic driving skills, or limited mental capacity or what, but I am unable to take in too many instructions while driving.
Today's lesson was a little distressing for me because I think, the instructor really talks a lot. When giving instructions, he has a way of adding many sentences when one will do, or giving me instructions/theory while I'm in the midst of carrying out instructions.
Sometimes I'll look at him, nod, "mmm" in a gesture of acquiescence, and think "umm, I learnt all these from the book already, why are you telling me all these??"
"Can't. Take. It. In."
"ARGHHHH."
He makes me feel unsure and hesitant. Plus, he had a bit of sour-smelling breath. So I spent 1.30h (because I was late for 30min) in discomfort and mental fatigue. It's not that he's unpleasant lah, he's nice, but perhaps not my learning style.
Or is it because I don't like being told what to do ah? But I very much prefer the other instructor who just gave me simple instructions. Straight and to the point. Silent trip. Actually, I drive rather intuitively, today's fabulous reversing/parking was done without really relying on mirrors and methods but on my sense of judgment. In other words, your thought processes interrupt my thought processes. In other words, Men are from Mars, Women are from Outside the Solar System.
Maybe it's true women can't multi-task when driving.
After finishing the driving lesson, I was walking through a void deck when I saw a group of secondary school boys walking past a girl. One of the boys made a puckering/whistling gesture at her. You know, one of those typical act cool but is really kinda cute/cool secondary school boys who would tease girls in class.
If I was the girl, I'll probably feel a mixture of annoyance, amusement and flattery.
I then reminisce about my own schooling days where I teased the boys in class and made puckering noises at the teacher. And yes, Jing said I was quite cool. HAHAHAH.
Along the bus, I was imaging the scenario whereby I woke up one day in my sixteen/seventeen-year old body with my twenty-three year old mind. What would I do? What would I say and how would I act?
Probably more patient, and understanding than I used to be then. Less defensive, less of a sarcastic motor-mouth. Rather wish I could go back in time, then write a letter to myself.
Maybe...I would even have visited Uni friends in my 17 year old form and see how it would turn out.
Sit by Z's staircase and spring up on her and see if we would like each other as our teenage selves.
Msg Charlynn and ask her "Eh, teach me how to be a PSC scholar."
Tell SY not to fall in love recklessly.
Talk to ST, or Faith in class and tell them their future and how we were gonna be classmates in future.
Tell Marya "BELIEVE OR NOT I HAVE COME FROM THE FUTURE, I AM 23 years old and we both made it to NUS!!!"
I think, most of all, I would write a letter to my 17 year-old self. Something like that...
"Be more patient with people Heidi, forgive them often. Learn how to open yourself up more, and be nicer to Clemence and Jaslyn. You don't always have to hide, or be defensive or feel unsure. You will go through some of the darkest times in your life, rage a bit at circumstances, fall in love, lose your way, travel many places, meet many new people. Your greatest dream will be shattered, but upon its ashes a new one will rise, and you'll become stronger and happier in life than you would ever have thought you'd be, and you'll be finally willing to share that with people. Learn to love these people and not fear them. You will have found God at last and learn to forgive yourself.
Love, Heidi
p/s: You'll still be lame though, no help for that, sorry."
Today's lesson was a little distressing for me because I think, the instructor really talks a lot. When giving instructions, he has a way of adding many sentences when one will do, or giving me instructions/theory while I'm in the midst of carrying out instructions.
Sometimes I'll look at him, nod, "mmm" in a gesture of acquiescence, and think "umm, I learnt all these from the book already, why are you telling me all these??"
"Can't. Take. It. In."
"ARGHHHH."
He makes me feel unsure and hesitant. Plus, he had a bit of sour-smelling breath. So I spent 1.30h (because I was late for 30min) in discomfort and mental fatigue. It's not that he's unpleasant lah, he's nice, but perhaps not my learning style.
Or is it because I don't like being told what to do ah? But I very much prefer the other instructor who just gave me simple instructions. Straight and to the point. Silent trip. Actually, I drive rather intuitively, today's fabulous reversing/parking was done without really relying on mirrors and methods but on my sense of judgment. In other words, your thought processes interrupt my thought processes. In other words, Men are from Mars, Women are from Outside the Solar System.
Maybe it's true women can't multi-task when driving.
After finishing the driving lesson, I was walking through a void deck when I saw a group of secondary school boys walking past a girl. One of the boys made a puckering/whistling gesture at her. You know, one of those typical act cool but is really kinda cute/cool secondary school boys who would tease girls in class.
If I was the girl, I'll probably feel a mixture of annoyance, amusement and flattery.
I then reminisce about my own schooling days where I teased the boys in class and made puckering noises at the teacher. And yes, Jing said I was quite cool. HAHAHAH.
Along the bus, I was imaging the scenario whereby I woke up one day in my sixteen/seventeen-year old body with my twenty-three year old mind. What would I do? What would I say and how would I act?
Probably more patient, and understanding than I used to be then. Less defensive, less of a sarcastic motor-mouth. Rather wish I could go back in time, then write a letter to myself.
Maybe...I would even have visited Uni friends in my 17 year old form and see how it would turn out.
Sit by Z's staircase and spring up on her and see if we would like each other as our teenage selves.
Msg Charlynn and ask her "Eh, teach me how to be a PSC scholar."
Tell SY not to fall in love recklessly.
Talk to ST, or Faith in class and tell them their future and how we were gonna be classmates in future.
Tell Marya "BELIEVE OR NOT I HAVE COME FROM THE FUTURE, I AM 23 years old and we both made it to NUS!!!"
I think, most of all, I would write a letter to my 17 year-old self. Something like that...
"Be more patient with people Heidi, forgive them often. Learn how to open yourself up more, and be nicer to Clemence and Jaslyn. You don't always have to hide, or be defensive or feel unsure. You will go through some of the darkest times in your life, rage a bit at circumstances, fall in love, lose your way, travel many places, meet many new people. Your greatest dream will be shattered, but upon its ashes a new one will rise, and you'll become stronger and happier in life than you would ever have thought you'd be, and you'll be finally willing to share that with people. Learn to love these people and not fear them. You will have found God at last and learn to forgive yourself.
Love, Heidi
p/s: You'll still be lame though, no help for that, sorry."
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