Finding interest in things

The past few weeks, or rather month, I haven't really been watching anything or reading anything I found interesting. Well the last show that I was interested in was House of Dragons. At 34 even though I'm trying lots of random new things - meeting new people, getting myself out of my comfort zone with Lindy hopping. Somehow I still feel empty. 

After dinner, I randomly discovered an NFT collective that consists of different artists putting up generative art that conveys some form of meaning or purpose. Quite unlike most of the avatar style of NFTs I usually come across, I actually felt inspired looking at it. Now that's rare considering I'm quite jaded towards consuming content these days. I even found out how generative art is formed. This's quite interesting. I haven't really thought about art in a conceptual way since I started urban sketching. That's because I don't really have to think conceptually other than just to draw what I'm looking at right now. It's been years since I thought anything about conceptual art. I'm not even sure if I could have come up with the things I did back during my uni days if I were to do it now.

So then, I just spent the last 30 mins reading my older posts from my university art school days. I had so much thoughts on so many things in life! Where did that expression go? It's as though I'm doing things for the sake of my logical stance of personal growth now. Does that mean that I'm not really enjoying the things that I thought I was enjoying? I'm experiencing life without feeling much? Time to get in touch with your real inner artist girllll. 

Also, happy birthday Captain Kimura Takuya. 五十歳の誕生日におめでとう！

Thirty four

Looking back, a lot of things have changed since the last year. Many things happened when I was 33. I tried really hard to get back into dating again. I met a lot of people and even became friends with some. With regards to work, only me and another engineer were left in the squad that I joined last year. Most of my team members left and new ones came. Covid restrictions were lifted. I travelled again and made my very first trip to the USA! I volunteered to help organise an exhibition with works of 60+ artists. I took up Lindie Hop and never knew I could dance and even enjoyed dancing. It seems that even though a truckload of events happened this one year, I can easily sum it up with one paragraph and stop here. Isn't it boring? 😂

I’ve come to find it hard to describe events in significant details that’s enough to tell a good story. I wonder if that means that whatever happened in the past year I’ve come to let it go without much care to even describe it thoroughly. I wasn’t like that before. I think I just don’t remember them as detailedly and cared about it enough to tell it to someone. Not sure if that’s a good or bad thing. But I do wish I was more interesting. Though I do think the things that I’ve done and happened to me were meaningful, I lost passion in harping too much about it now that it has passed? I know I’ll be thankful to myself for writing it out so I’ll still do so.

I think for the first time in my life, I thought about renting and thought a little more seriously about what it’ll be like living in my own place, what kind of skills will I learn. That came from visiting and staying with my friend in the US. I experienced what it could be like - cooking my own meals, doing chores, owning my own furniture and shaping my own space. The ability to be able to take care of people through cooking, or just hosting friends seem really cool. But I’m still not super motivated to move out until I have an additional source of income, and also, I’m still very lazy.

Not caring is liberating. I’ve had a painful “break up” with a guy I really liked but whom did not liked me back the same way. I came to a conclusion later on that if I had cared less about the outcome and left the situation as it was it might have been less painful? All I had to do was to be more patient, let things be and go with the flow. But alas, easier said than done. If such an emotional situation were to happen again, I hope I’ll be wiser to handle the situation less rashly. Patience 123.

In a chance encounter with Jazz and Lindie Hop, I took up Lindie Hop classes myself in an attempt to push myself out of my comfort zone. I do enjoy it though it stresses me out a lot too. I think the key essence to lindy hopping well is to let go, enjoy yourself, and be in the flow. It’s all about connecting whomever I’m dancing with and everyone has a different vibe. Can you imagine if I apply this in real life, that means I’d be able to vibe with anyone? 😂 That would be an incredible life skill. I get too uptight and anxious too often. To master this would mean I’ll be able to dance with whatever life throws me my way. haha, I might be giving too much meaning to this philosophically.

My wishes for this year? I hope I’ll be able to tide through all procrastination and reach my goal of having an additional passive income source by the end of the year. I want to be able to make more impact with my designs and grow to be a senior designer. I want to be more independent, and be able to verbalise more deeply. I want to be able to hold my ground and stand firm in all situations. I want to live well, love passionately, learn more of the world and be challenged of my world views. Whatever it is from here, I know I don’t want an average ordinary life. So bring it on, thirty four. 

A foreword before thirty four

Oh why, it is a little awkward. 
It has come to a point where I realise as I physically turn older every year, well this being my thirty fourth year on earth, that my soul age is probably stuck at 28. That's like 6 years younger than how I'm suppose to be. What do people at thirty four do in life? 

Do they all get married and have kids? What about the thirty fours who are single and happy. What are you all doing?

I feel more conscious about my age, as I try to avoid the answer when people try to ask which year did I graduate from uni. Despite my age, I love wearing cute dresses, and I like to dress young. Like I was in my twenties and that hasn't really changed. Because if I'm not gona wear all these nice cute dresses, I will just keep getting older! What better time to wear them than now?

I'm trying out new hobbies. Hobbies I never thought I would love. I recently signed up for Lindy Hop classes. Never in my life did I thought I would sign up for dance classes. Despite loving to dance on the DDR (Dance dance revolution) machine at the arcade, and having a year long subscription of Just Dance. I thought, all I wanted was to exercise! That's why I'm doing these dances. But dang, I really enjoy Lindy Hop and social dancing is just so cool. Though I still get very stressed about doing my footwork wrongly, I want to dance like all these cool people. It all seem too fun. 

Thirty Three

It's been a year and a half, Covid is still present. We went through a phase of loosening restrictions where life seems to have gone back to normal for a bit, just that we had to wear masks and maintain social distancing. Then we went back to tighter restrictions. At this point, dining in is restricted till late August. Last year I felt a lot more excited on staying indoors but this time, I miss being out a lot more.  

Earlier this year I bid goodbye to my favourite company I was working at for a good 3 years. In a bid to expose myself to a different working structure, I decided to change my job. 

Boy it was rough, I had to speed up 3x how I usually work, and I had to master the domain knowledge and design something workable at the same time. There were many times where I really missed my previous company. Despite that I definitely learnt a lot as well, being way outside of my usual comfort zone. I knew nothing about real estate just 3 months ago and didn't think it was a topic I might even be the slightest bit interested in. Now I think maybe, just maybe feel that looking at data, figures and understanding all these jargons ain't all that bad. Hey I was designing annual reports back in my younger days looking at graphs and figures and didn't think it was boring. An important thing was also learning to tell myself that no matter how much work I have, my well-being will always be priority. I told myself I must learn to emotionally detach from the never-ending comments, anxiety from meeting deadlines with quality that I have to do in my job. I'm still learning but I think I'm better than a few weeks ago. 

Another key change was me getting slightly better at investing. Thanks to fintech apps and huge advertising posters plastered all over the MRT station whenever I pass by going to work. (It works!) I got curious about all these broker apps and signed up for an account to play around. I haven't made a lot of money but I've seen the figures go up and down, some days I earned 20% some days I lose 20% all within a month or two, it's interesting to know what affects stock prices. I've also got my friend to thank for introducing me to stocks. After I started, I naturally went to read up more. This was something I couldn't imagine myself doing just months before. Maybe now that I'm working in real estate, and designing for data displays reading, checking out these information seem slightly more relevant. Another reason that triggered this was just me wondering what other ways can I diversify my income so I don't have to stick to a job. So I'll give this a shot.  

Hobby wise, I've started painting on a new medium – Gouache! It's a rough medium to master given how sticky the paints are compared to watercolour. But I quite like the effects it gives on the painted. It looks way more pigmented than watercolour!  

I might have changed the most this year, dabbling in all these new areas that I didn't think I would have done. Some habits as well, (I think that my new work attributed) one big one was I used to eat my dinners watching shows on Netflix, but nowadays after work I actually find myself preferring to eat at the kitchen away from my big computer screens. This wasn't something I would have done previously! I was just feeling too tired being glued to the screen working from home all day. I'm also preferring to watch documentaries or short real life knowledge infoseries kind of shows. 

Last year I talked about increasing my chances of serendipity but I don't think I've done much given the restrictions. I hope to try more new things the rest of this year and I can't wait to head out again! 

Last Steps

Just a day where I'm sitting in my room working from home as usual. 
Today's mood is last steps covered by this awesome couple who covers a lot of my favourite city pop songs. Playing this song sent me lots of nostalgic vibes up from memory lane. I know I should be working now but I'm so distracted enveloped by my own feelings. Alright, rant done, back to work! 

Thirty-two

Pre COVID, I was someone who enjoys being outdoors, meeting up with my friends, exploring areas of Singapore I haven't been to before. Being with the presence of my friends energises me. Novelty excites me. I was someone who couldn't stand being indoors for more than 2 days because I always thought it's boring at home.

Post COVID, I'm thankful to have my job and am able to continue work as life was as before though we're all working from home now. Contrary to what I feel previously about staying at home all day, I actually enjoy it. I picked up a number of new hobbies that I probably wouldn't have started if I wasn't spending so much time at home.

• I bought an ipad, along with apple pencil and began my digital illustration journey.
• I exercise regularly with Ring-fit Adventure now
• I picked up playing the piano
• I bought a toaster oven and can cook some meals with it. (Probably not a big deal to people cos everyone I know can cook something)

There, plenty of things I can do at home now to have a fulfilling day. It's safe, cozy, don't have to spend time choosing nice clothes to wear, put on make up, or mind what other people think about you etc. It's a new found kind of freedom! (Again probably not new to introverts who enjoy lazing at home already)

One of my new favourite activities these days's watching my favourite Youtube channels with with/without my brother. Particularly this piano one called LOL笑哈哈 that plays all my favourite final fantasy and anime tunes on the piano. The more I watched the more I thought: this is the most wonderful piano pieces I've ever heard. So cool. I want to play like this too. Hence I started on my piano journey. Never in my life has it even cross my mind I'd wana try learning piano, seeing my half-baked interest in my erhu. Nor seeing how my brother actually wants to learn something new that is not gaming. This was really unexpected.

So my routine on weekends go around like this, I wake up, watch some shows, go back to nap again. Switch on the keyboard to practise playing something, go to my room and maybe do something with my ipad, more random surfing. These days when I'm bored I'll just switch on the keyboard and start practising with my ipad. It's definitely a long journey before I can hit my first goal, which is to play Zanarkand. 2 months ago I had a goal to illustrate a picnic scene on my ipad too, but much procrastination has postponed it indefinitely. We'll see how this goes.

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Other things I've been thinking about:

Ways I can increase my chances of serendipity.
I was watching this video by Ali Abdaal and got inspired by his reason to move to the US. It wasn't the money, it wasn't because being London wasn't good. He was just interested to increase his surface area of serendipity – More different random nice things that can happen spontaneously when you're in a different place, or doing something new. A sense of adventure.

Well, not meaning that I'd like to work or live overseas in my case but wondering if there are other ways I can do that. I think I have already unconsciously been doing – like with volunteering, hosting sketch events and joining sketch groups. These communities have definitely broaden my exposure to things and got connected with more people whom I otherwise won't be exposed to. But thus far but I haven't been doing more. So yeah, something to think about the rest of this year.

Rams

It's been a while since I felt I can identify what's said in a film in many ways. Especially in my current career as a product designer. This quote in particular is so relatable. Nobody dares to be the bad person to shut down someone's work to say that it's bad. Everyone wants to be the good guy, be nice, and encouraging so we all have good feelings. I can easily find myself in the position of not wanting to be the bad person to disagree with an opinion or reject people's designs. Or, I just can't be bothered to say that it's not good enough, risking my interpersonal relationship with a fellow co-worker just to critique on a visual. It's not deem to worth it most of the time. How can we balance that? (But of course major ones I'd raise alarms.)

What I like about old designers like Schmid san and Dieter Rams is, they're all stubborn and adamant on what they think should be the way even if people don't agree. They have a set of standards that they strongly abide to. And that makes them respectable and timeless.