A birthday surprise

Today, I turned 34 years old.

I'm an only child so my mom always made a very big deal about my birthday, especially because it's between Christmas and New Year's. She never wanted me to feel shortchanged or neglected because of other holidays. Today was always my day and I got whatever I wanted. I've tried to continue that tradition with Hubby (because really, who doesn't want that?!?!), but his family didn't make as big a deal about birthdays as mine did so it's been a hard sell.

In addition to today being my birthday I'm also 11dpiui. I have a slight obsession with POAS around this time in the 2ww, but told myself I would hold out until New Year's Day (14dpiui) just like the Doc said. I'm not sure why I thought I could do that this cycle. Maybe because we were at my in-laws? Or maybe because I was on vacation and would be so engrossed in a good book I wouldn't think about it?

Regardless, I asked Hubby yesterday if I could buy a test and take it this morning. He told me no, that I had to wait until Saturday, just like I thought he would say. So I pulled out my trump card and reminded him it was my birthday and I'm allowed to get whatever I want on my birthday (there may have been a little whiny voice included in this interaction as well). I told him I just wanted to see if the trigger shot was out of my system but didn't have my hopes up. I think the whiny voice worked, because he reluctantly agreed.

So I woke up at 7:30am this morning and proceeded to POAS at my in-laws. I sat there half awake and saw the single line appear like it always does. Then I saw the faint pink of a second line. I figured it was my imagination willing it to appear (again). I waited another minute and really did see a faint second line! I took the stick into Hubby, woke him up and showed him. He didn't exactly jump with joy, but cautiously said he saw a faint line. I'm still not 100% convinced this isn't a false positive left over from my trigger shot on Dec 17, but for a few minutes this morning I let myself enjoy the best birthday surprise I've ever gotten!

I'm going to try and be a good girl and wait to test again until Saturday morning, but if I'm really honest with myself there will likely be another test tomorrow morning and/or Friday morning. In the meantime, I'm considering my 34th my best year yet!!!

***********

UPDATE: I'm a sucker for POAS. I did it again this morning and still saw two lines...one slightly darker than yesterday. I climbed back into bed and Hubby asked me what the result was. I played dumb and asked what he was talking about. He said, I know you and you took another test, didn't you? I am horrible liar so I told him it's still looking good!!!

A very Merry Christmas

I've been celebrating Christmas with my husband and his family for over 10 years. During that time there have been enough moments for them to have earned the nickname "The Griswolds" (for those of you not familiar, do a quick search for National Lampoons Vacation and you'll see what I'm talking about). I'm happy to report this year has been a Griswold-free holiday. At least so far. We still have the big extended family gathering this afternoon so there is time for a fridge to stop working, a microwave to catch on fire or a casserole to explode (and yes, all of those things have happened in the past!).

We woke up on Christmas morning, ate breakfast and started the multi-hour present-opening ritual. We were all very spoiled! Once all the present madness was cleaned up we sat down for dinner. I had my cell phone with me because I was waiting for a call from my best friend in Europe. As we were finishing dinner I got a text from one of my college roommates telling me she was 9 weeks pregnant with baby #2. I didn't mean to, but I blurted out fuck and slammed my phone down on the table. I'm really happy for her, but I was having such a good Christmas Day and wasn't even thinking about the baby that I thought I would have had already, and this basically slapped me in the face with the reality of my IF struggles. Fortunately everyone at the table was aware (at least on a high level) of what Hubby and I have been going through so I didn't have to explain my little outburst.

I proceeded to make myself feel better with a few Christmas cookies and a piece of pumpkin pie. It worked! I went to bed with a full belly and feeling comforted to have such wonderful in-laws to spend Christmas with. Of course, I still feel sleep with thoughts of a bouncing baby on my lap next Christmas...

Deja vu

I've been here before. Excited for what might be waiting for me at the end of the next two weeks, yet nervous and anxious for what might be waiting for me at the end of the next two weeks. Does it ever get any easier?

I'm 1dpiui today. Everything went the way it should yesterday. Hubby had a good sample with 73 million swimmers and I had an uneventful IUI. I'm getting spoiled having these on the weekends because it allows me to come home, lay on the couch and just relax. Which is exactly what I did all day yesterday. I felt kind of guilty for not leaving the apartment at all, but after the whirlwind week I had it was kind of nice too.

Hubby and I leave Thursday to fly to Ohio for the holidays. We'll be there until the following Wednesday and then we're off the remainder of the week. I'll be able to test on January 1 which is pretty scary. I feel like it's going to set the tone for 2011. After the continued disappointments of 2010, I'm not sure I can take 2011 starting off with disappointment as well (fingers crossed that won't be the case).

The next two weeks should fly by with even more work, travel, food, family, friends and holiday things going on. I'll need the distractions! Unfortunately, all the craziness might keep me away from blogland longer than usual. I'll still be checking in, but might not be leaving comments or posting too much. Happy holidays and safe travels bloggie friends!

Flying right along

I have to make this a quick post, work is out-of-control busy and our holiday party is tonight.

I went to see the Doc this morning for monitoring and it looks like I'm on the fast track this cycle. He said I was ready (I thought I might be based on what my body was telling me). I have two follies on the right, one at 20mm and one at 19mm and three on the left, one at 20mm, one at 18mm and one at 17mm (and a couple other smaller ones). My lining was a little weak at 7.5mm but I'm hoping that will fluff up before the Saturday morning IUI.

My company holiday party is tonight on a boat in the middle of the Hudson River. I was a good girl and packed my inject pen so I could take it on time, but had to go back home and switch the Gonal-F for the Ovidrel. That only added to my stressful day because I got to work an hour late.

Anyway, we're scheduled for Saturday morning and I plan on doing NOTHING but lay on the couch after. I'm going to attempt to keep a little zen during this 2ww, especially with the holiday craziness I'm in the midst of.

Home sweet home

Wow, it's been a full week since I last posted, how did that happen?!? It's been a little crazy, but crazy with typical life details, not too much on the baby-making front.

I went to the Doc last Thursday for day 3 blood work and u/s. Apparently one of the follies on the right side never released so I have a cyst. The Doc wasn't too concerned and said I would likely move forward with this cycle, but he'd be able to tell me for sure once the blood work came back. All numbers came back normal so we moved forward as planned.

Hubby and I had plans to be out of town for the weekend so I mentioned to the Doc that I wouldn't be able to come in for Sunday monitoring. He decided to have me hold off starting the injects until Friday night so I wasn't going four days without monitoring. In hindsight, that was a great decision on his part because Hubby and I got stuck in Chicago Sunday and I had to miss my Monday morning monitoring appointment. I was in a total panic when I realized I was going to miss the appointment (and go four days without monitoring), but my nurse was awesome. She emailed the Doc right away, he said not to worry and enjoy my "snow day". I think they're learning that I tend to get a little panicky when things don't go exactly according to plan. (You'd think by now I'd realize there is a LOT of stuff out of my control, but no, I still want everything to go the way it's supposed to.)

Anyway, Hubby and I were able to visit my aunt and some friends who still live in Chicago. It was a wonderful weekend with lots of laughing, eating, drinking and good times. We even made the best of getting stuck for an extra day and trekked through the blowing snow to watch some football and hang out.

We finally made it home this afternoon without any additional problems. I've got my monitoring appointment tomorrow morning to see how the follies are progressing this cycle. The Doc increased my initial dosage this time to 112 (usually we start at 75 then increase after a few days). Hopefully I've got some good ones growing in there so we can get the IUI in before we leave again for Christmas in Ohio.

I have a feeling the next two weeks are going to fly by. I've got a couple of holiday parties, lots of meetings at work, shopping, baking and baby-making that all needs to get done before next Thursday!

Tis the season

The Doc's office must have been backed up today because I just now got my bloodwork results — at 4:30pm, usually they call around 1pm. They confirmed what I already knew, my HCG level was less than 1. I actually started spotting a little this morning, so I'll likely be fully into CD1 tomorrow which means the shots begin on Thursday. Let the games begin...again.

I've been thinking about the reasons why I seem to taking this latest BFN so well. I really think it has a lot to do with the holiday season. This is by far my favorite time of year. I love it when there is a light coating of snow on the ground and the lights are twinkling on the trees. When I left the apartment for work this morning, there were flurries in the air. The first of the season in NYC and they were beautiful. I actually smiled to myself.

It's amazing what a little holiday spirit can do for my mood. Tis the season:)

BFN...I think?

It's 14dpiui and I woke up at 6:30am this morning and POAS - a digital test. I got a big fat NOT PREGNANT (do they really have to put in all caps? I mean come on, I get it!). I can't say I was totally surprised because I haven't really "felt" pregnant. My boobs haven't been sore the last few days even though they are still huge (hubby is loving that!). I've been having some mild cramping but my period hasn't shown up yet. I'm assuming the huge boobs and cramping are all side effects of the progesterone I'm still taking.

I called the Doc and asked the nurse if I should stop the progesterone and she said to come in for a blood test tomorrow morning. I'm 95% certain I know what the results will be, but I'm holding out the slightest bit of hope (probably naive on my part, but a girl can dream, right?). If I look at the positive, the progesterone has seemed to help my short 10-day luteal phase which is encouraging.

Surprisingly, I've been OK today. I think I had myself mentally prepared for a BFN this cycle even though on paper everything was perfect. I didn't even cry this time which is pretty unusual these days. Hubby and I never went back to sleep this morning after the results, we just cuddled and talked about our frustrations. We were pretty lazy most of the day but finally went out for a chilly 4 mile run which was great for both of us. You gotta love those endorphins! We talked about taking a break cycle, but if the timing works out with our holiday travel plans I think we're going to move forward with injects/IUI #3. We're not quite ready to plan for an IVF cycle and since my insurance covers unlimited IUI we're going to keep going with that plan of action.

So unless my blood test comes back with some surprising news tomorrow it's time to move on to the next one (which will be THE one - it would be a great way to start 2011!).

My brain is killing me

Today is 11dpiui and I'm starting to go a little nuts. I've been overanalyzing every twinge, pinch, tweak, twist, soreness and tickle for the past three days. I mentioned to hubby last night that I really, really wanted to POAS this morning (Sidebar: The one time I did get a BFP it first showed up 11dpo. It was faint but visible enough that both hubby and I saw it). He took one look at me, said no and walked out of the room. He knows me too well. If he had even wavered in his answer for one second, I would have took that to mean it was OK. What I didn't tell him is that I POAS Tuesday night while he was out of town (9dpiui, and Wednesday was his birthday...wouldn't it have been a great birthday present to tell him we got a BFP?!?!) But I know I was bad, bad, bad. I couldn't help myself. The Ovidrel was out of my system by that point so I figured why not? I swear I saw the faintest of faint lines, but I'm almost positive that I willed the line to be there and in reality it was too early to show up.

Now I'm scared to go to the bathroom for fear of what lurks on the TP when I wipe. My last few cycles have only had 10-11 day luteal phases, so I'm definitely in the midst of the danger zone. But this is my first cycle with progesterone during the luteal phase, so I really don't know what to expect.

In the interest of trying to keep what little sanity I have left this cycle, I'm going to live in my fairytale land and pretend that all the little twinges and pinches I'm feeling are just my ute stretching for the baby that's burrowing in for the next nine months. Because if I think anything else right now I just might lose my shit!

Scattered

I really need to start blogging more often. I have so much to say that this post is either going to be really long or totally scattered (most likely it will be both long and scattered!)

Tomorrow will be 9dpiui. I was really good last week and over the weekend about keeping busy and not thinking about the 2ww. But of course, once I got on the train to work this morning my mind started racing. Actually, it started racing first thing this morning when my temp was up 0.3 from my 2ww norm. Hmmm... Work was nutty today and probably will be the rest of the week so that kept me off Dr. Google (thankfully). As long as I can keep busy AFTER work, I think I can survive the next few days.

Speaking of work, I posted about a job opportunity that came my way a couple weeks ago. I called my friend who offered me the job on Wednesday before Thanksgiving and broke it to him that I had to turn the job down. After a lot of thinking, calculating, planning, etc I decided the timing just isn't right for me to more than double my commute. He totally understood and promised to let me know if anything changed with the job (the future potential of working from home) and/or if there might be some freelance opportunities available. Needless to say, it was hard to say no to an additional $20k/year and the opportunity to work in a totally different, somewhat more stable industry. They say timing is everything, right?

Hubby and I were at his parents for Thanksgiving which was wonderful. I really do like his family and am always reminded of this when we get together. I was nervous about his extended family asking about our "kid" plans. Only one person asked and it was in such a nonchalant, conversational tone that it didn't even bother me. I got to spend some quality time with my two SILs. I knew my one SIL was having some issues ovulating after going off the pill a year ago. Apparently she is still having problems so I suggested she see an RE. Even though they aren't quite ready to start a family, I told her it's better to find out about any problems as early as she can. We have some bad luck running in this family, because my other SIL and hubby's brother have been TTC for about six months. She just started using OPKs and everything seems to be normal, but it just hasn't happened for them yet. It's still too early for her to panic, but come on. Three women between the ages of 30-34 having TTC challenges?!?! It's beyond frustrating – for us and for my MIL who desperately wants a grandchild.

Anyway, hubby is in London for the next three days so it's just the fat cat and me. Someone has expressed his extreme depleasure at being left alone for four days, so I have some serious kitty love to give out until hubby gets home.

A little of this, a lot of that

I don't have a whole lot to report as I approach 3dpiui, so this post might be a little random. As I suspected, this first week of "the wait" seems to be flying by (is it really almost Thanksgiving?!?!), which just means I'm trying to stay positive for the second L-O-N-G week of the wait.

I started the progesterone suppositories this morning. I've never had to take a suppository but knew what to expect from Dr Google. Let's just say that my body literally chewed it up and spit it out. It was not pleasant, yet everything I expected it to be. Ugh...

I went to acupuncture again today. This is my fourth time, and I have yet to feel much of a difference. I always leave the office absolutely exhausted. I'm not sure why, but I just want to lay down and take a nap immediately. I'm trying to trust the process and be patient with positive thoughts, but without any tangible evidence it's hard. We'll see what happens after this cycle. I may or may not continue with the acupuncture.

Hubby and I are leaving Thursday morning to head home for Thanksgiving. Since I lost my mom three years ago, we usually spend the holidays with hubby's family (fortunately I get to see friends too because we grew up in the same area). I love his family so I don't mind. Except for the this year. I'm a little anxious about the trip. Hubby has an aunt who is so sweet and always wants the best for everyone but has a tendency to be a little intrusive. I'm preparing myself for the "when are you having kids" question. Usually I just tell people that "it's on our radar" and kind of leave it at that. I'm hoping I'll have the patience to do that this year as well, but I'm afraid I might snap given the stress of this infertility roller coaster I've been dealing with lately. Maybe I'll be in such a turkey-induced coma that it won't bother me!

Happy Turkey Day to everyone.

The waiting begins

Hubby and I went for IUI #2 this morning. He was a rock star with 84 million swimmers! Let's hope I can perform just as well. I'm going to be starting Endometrin for the first time this cycle. I've heard lots of horror stories, so I'm preparing myself for the worst. It should be fun taking suppositories twice a day while at my in-laws later this week. Thankfully we get our own bathroom and don't have to share with anyone.

I usually don't have too much trouble with the first week of the 2ww. It's the second week that kills me every time. I don't think this cycle is going to be any different. The next week will probably fly by. I'll be in Pittsburgh for work Monday, then busy at the office Tuesday and half day Wednesday and home to Cleveland on Thursday. We'll come back to NY on Sunday night and the real wait will set in. I've got a few things going on the week after Turkey Day, but I doubt it will be enough to keep me from obsessing over every little twinge and twang I feel and obsessively Googling sympotms.

I know keeping myself busy is the best way to survive the dreaded 2ww, but that's not always as easy as it sounds! I welcome any tips to keep busy and how to deal with the nastiness of the progesterone supps.

Playing the "what if" game

I received an email from a former colleague yesterday asking if I wanted to come work for him. It came out of nowhere, but after talking with him for a while last night it sounds like a very intriguing opportunity except for one thing — the commute. I'm fortunate now and live and work in Manhattan. My commute is about 25 minutes door-to-door. This new job opportunity would be in New Jersey. If I had a car that wouldn't be an issue, but the price of parking and insurance in Manhattan have kept hubby and I carless for the last three years.

There are ways to get to the *potential* new office via public transportation, but it wouldn't be easy or convenient, not to mention it would take well over an hour. Two years ago this wouldn't have been a concern, but now that we're trying to start a family it's a big concern.

Last night hubby and I played our favorite game of "what if." I used to be the only player in this game, but hubby is right there with me these days.
• What if I took the new job and got pregnant? FMLA requires you be employed for 12 months before you're covered.
• What if the new health insurance doesn't cover the Doc and his fabulous fertility practice?
• What if I am back at work after having the baby and the bus/trains aren't running on time and the nanny needs to leave?
• What if the baby is sick and I need to get home quickly?
• What if, what if, what if...

It's amazing how much I plan things for the future around something I have absolutely no control over. Needless to say, I have a lot to think about this weekend (I see a pro/con list in my future)!

The Doc knows best?

I went in for monitoring and u/s this morning. The right side still seems to be pretty quiet but the left side has two decent follies - 13mm and 14mm.

My last cycle I started on 75iu for the first five days then the Doc upped it to 112.5iu for the last three days before I triggered. I expected a similar situation this cycle since I responded well last time (4 on the left over 18mm and one on the right). Given the less than stellar performance of my follies this morning I expected to be told to up the dosage tonight and tomorrow before my Wednesday check-in. Nope! I'm supposed to continue with the 75iu and see where things are on Wednesday.

I'm a little frustrated but trying to remember that the Doc has a reason for keeping things low. I was in a meeting when the nurse called so she left me a voice mail. It's too late to call the office back now which means I can't find out the bloodwork numbers. Maybe that has something to do with the continued low dose? Maybe I'm over thinking things (I do have a *tiny* tendency to over think)? Maybe I should just relax and be thankful I have two follies that are progressing? Yeah, that's what I'll (try) to do.

A little bit of zen

I've been an active person all my life. For the past six years I've been into triathlons and running races. I've cut back my races since my first Clomid cycle, but not eliminated working out. It's my release. It's how I cope. It's what keeps me sane.

When I started the injections, the Doc told me I shouldn't run because of the increased size of my ovaries and the possibility of twisting, rupturing and generally bad things happening. I've taken that very seriously and ceased all running during the 10 days or so of the injections. Once that 2ww hits though, I pick up the (easy) running again.

I was so excited when hubby told me a month ago he wanted to start running again (he took a running break for a few years). I started him on an easy program which was perfect for me — I was able to run with him without exerting myself too much. I'm back on the injections now, so I haven't been able to run with him. But this afternoon when he went out for his run, I went with him and planned to walk. I have to be honest, it's hard for me to just walk when all I want to do is break into a comfortable run. We were in Central Park on a path that circles a reservoir around dusk. It was so beautiful to see the sun setting and the leaves blowing in the Fall breeze that I forgot I even wanted to run. I was content to just walk, enjoy the gorgeous sight and have a zen moment — something that doesn't happen often during this infertility roller coaster.

My walk might not have been the intense, heart-pounding run that I've always been used to but that's OK. It showed me that sometimes just slowing down and enjoying the view is enough (see, that zen moment is still with me five hours after the walk).

The color says it all

Growing up my mom painted her nails at the kitchen table every Sunday night. It was a ritual she had, and I loved to sit and watch her, fascinated by all the pretty colors and her perfect nails.

Thankfully her beautiful fingernail gene was passed on to me. I've got nice nails but rarely get manicures. I love pedicures but not manicures. I am such a perfectionist that I am never happy with the way someone else files and paints my fingernails. I prefer to do them myself.

I used to always wear neutral pink or beige, but recently I've noticed that my color choice has been a bit more selective. I currently have a really dark purple/black on my nails. I painted them Sunday evening, just after the arrival of AF. It wasn't a conscience decision to go with a dark, moody color, but I think it accurately reflected how I was feeling that day.

Sunday night is going to be here again soon (yay...the weekend!) which means I'll probably be repainting my nails. I'm three days into my injections and have another monitoring appointment Monday morning. I wonder what color I'll have on then?

From the beginning

I consider myself a pretty traditional girl. I grew up an only child of two loving parents who were always very active in my life. I played sports all through school, had a lot of friends, went to a traditional state college, met my husband, moved to a big city after college and started my career. My husband and I dated for eight years before getting married then moved to New York City to continue building our careers. A few years after getting married we started trying for a family. Being the traditional girl I am, I figured we'd be pregnant a few months after trying. Nope, no such luck.

After a few rounds of Clomid with my OB/GYN I found out I was pregnant. Unfortunately it was short lived and I had a chemical pregnancy. A few more rounds of Clomid with my OB/GYN and no success, so I turned to an RE. All the usual tests for hubby and I came back with great results. We were happy with that news, but that still left us without the family we'd been trying for. We've since moved on to injectables/IUI and are contemplating IVF (our insurance doesn't cover it so it's an out-of-pocket expense). I'm hoping the injectables/IUI route will work for us. In the meantime, I'm trying to remain calm and stress-free about this whole unexplained infertility saga.

When it became apparent to me that we were facing fertility challenges I felt so alone, confused and frustrated. Of course I had my hubby to turn to, but there is only so much support he can offer. I've shared some of my struggles with my aunt and a few friends but tend to keep things pretty private. However, I think I've reached the point in this battle that I'm ready to open up and share in the incredible support system all the IF bloggers have built. I want to thank you in advance for any advice, suggestions and comments you can offer!

I've overcome a lot in my life — the biggest being the loss of both my parents. I have faith that I will overcome this as well, but there are some days that I really do wonder if I will get my fairytale ending?

*A special thanks goes out to Such A Good Egg for inspiring me to start this blog!