Well, really, I wasn't anywhere. No trip, no grad adventure. I look at a couple posts before my last and I recall all of the things that were going on before I stopped posting and it all feels like such a long time ago because so much has happened since. Kenny and I were dating and it was my first summer in my new job was and it going pretty well. I remember I had a lot going on and one thing in particular was that I had agreed to teach swimming lessons for some friends. I was scheduling it around my work day. I went on my lunch break to go teach these lessons during my already longer summer days. Cute kids and awesome parents and a really good extra bit of money. I remember it because it was on my way to these swimming lessons that I had my first full fledged panic attack. There I was, in my car, and I seriously thought I was going to die; either from crashing my car because I felt out of control or because I thought I might be having some sort of heart issue. My chest was tight and I couldn't breathe and my mind was full of confusing thoughts about...who knows what?! Somehow I made it to the house for my lesson in one piece, composed myself and taught the lesson.
From there came the next 3+ years, some of which is a blur, dealing on a daily basis with anxiety. There was a short bout of depression in there but mostly anxiety. When I say it was on a daily basis, it wasn't all day, everyday but everyday something. I wasn't ever truly incapacitated but effected daily. Sadly, things that should have been precious moments and memories, like shopping for a wedding dress, were riddled with a tight chest and distant thoughts. It wasn't what most people that I've talked to think anxiety is: something in particular makes you anxious like a phobia. No it was just anxiety in general. I felt (and still feel sometimes) like I was always on edge and then something (anything) added another straw to the back of the anxiety camel's and broke it. Just as easy as that I couldn't breathe or think straight and my heart would race. Sometimes for a very long time. And I say straw because it wasn't big things that were hard. Sometimes the smallest task was hard to accomplish ie brushing my teeth or sending an email.
Most things suffered: my relationships, my work, my spirituality and my physical health were all effected. Life happened along the way. Somethings helped it, others made it worse. I did do things to try to understand, deal with and make it better but I might have waited too long once I figured out what was going on. I guess I can't really say that because I've come to understand that I'd probably always been dealing with it but it had just worked too my benefit. In college I got so much done everyday because I could go all day on very little sleep. Same in high school. I always thought that I just didn't need a ton of sleep or that I was just really good at multi-tasking. Well, whatever the answer, it just got tired of not being taken care of and it made it very clear that it was time to take care of "anxiety."
Long story short(ish), I'm dealing and coping and working my way back to a place that feels good. I'm at least in the right country, having traveled from a very foreign country, crossing an ocean in a row boat to get here. I feel supported in my efforts regardless of the success or failure of it and am glad to say I have more success than not. I do acknowledge that I have a ways to go but feel positive and ready.
So there you go. I promise not to turn this into an all anxiety, all the time blog but it is about where I am in life and this is a visible part of my life so take it or leave it.
Thanks for reading. Glad to be back.
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