SO SICK!

Let's face it...today I am SICK!

So sick of taking meds to keep my brain thinking right.

So sick of being tired because of said meds.

So sick of feeling like a freak.

So sick of feeling all alone.

So sick of being mean and liking it.

So sick of being forgetful cuz my head is full of fog.

So sick of people walking on eggshells around me cuz I'm a nut.

So sick of closing myself off from everyone.

So sick of crying.

So sick of wanting to hurt people.

So sick of hurting myself.

So sick of feeling guilty for feeling this way.

So sick of being bipolar.

So, yer thinking, being bipolar isn't so bad. At least it's not cancer...or diabetes...or heart disease. Yeah, well being bipolar IS a cancer to me. It eats away at me until there is nothing but a hollow shell left. It IS diabetes to me, cuz nothing is sweet to me. Nothing tastes or feels sweet cuz I don't process it right. It IS heart disease to me, cut my heart aches...all the time.

Seriously, who said that we wouldn't be given trials we can't handle? Were they smoking crack? I'm not sure that's true whatsoever cuz I'm not sure I can handle this trial much longer. It's just...too...heavy. Speaking of crack...I feel like I just might.

You hit a WHAT??

So, last week was the showing of our play "The Night Of January 16th". Talk about an AMAZING experience! I haven't been in a play for over 15 years and it was so fun to be in a show again.

I forgot how friendships grow between cast members, and that for that short time, you become almost like family. I certainly felt close to the 15 other people I was in the play with. Especially Friday night...

I was on my way home from the show, coming down Pony Express Parkway which is a pretty dark street, and the median between lanes is filled with trees and bushes. I was basking in the "after performance" glow when I noticed a deer--and ENORMOUS deer, out of the corner of my eye. The deer wasn't across the street, it was next to my car, coming out of a large bush! I didn't even see it soon enough to hit my breaks--I hit the deer instead.

My airbags deployed and my car was immediately filled with smoke and I started choking. I was so stunned, I couldn't even roll my window down. I just sat there and coughed. I heard a knocking on my window, and it was one of my fellow cast members standing there wide-eyed asking if I was okay. I finally got my window rolled down and I asked him if I hit a deer. He chuckled and said, "Seriously, are you okay?" and I got out of my car to see what damage I had done.

I was shaking but it really wasn't horribly cold. I couldn't believe what had just happened. A couple more of my cast members stopped and came running over to me. The reality of what had occurred finally hit me and I started to cry as one of them walked up to me and wrapped her arms around me. I said to her, "My husband is going to be so mad at me!" She didn't agree.

A police officer happened to be driving past and saw the commotion and pulled over to help. He looked at my car and asked if I was sure I had hit a deer and not a cow! My friend who was behind me when I hit the deer told the police that it was the biggest deer he had ever seen! I turned to the officer and cried saying, "I'm sorry I killed the deer! I'm so sorry!" The police officer made me sit down in my car and wait for the paramedics to arrive and told me the last thing I should be worried about was a damn deer, but I felt terrible! My arms had been burned by the air bags and I had a cut on my neck from the seat belt, but I assured him I was fine. He didn't care. He wanted me checked out and was actually very, very concerned.

I was embarrassed to be seen however, because I was in my ugly-ass costume from the play! My character was an older Swedish woman and I was dressed to fit the part! I kept telling all of the emergency personnel that this was NOT how I usually dressed! They thought I was rather humorous and maybe I was in a bit of shock. Um, no...I'm always funny and I DON'T dress like a Swedish housekeeper!!

I kept getting calls from my other cast members. Was I okay? Did I need a ride home? Did I need a ride to the show tomorrow? Did I want them to go to the hospital with me? Did I need anything at all? They were all so good to me :)

When the police officer finally decided I could go home, he gave me a ride since my car had to be towed. I just wanted to get to my room so I could collapse and cry myself to sleep. Granty and the twins were out of town, Tim was at a friend's house and Taylor was too, so I would be all alone to bawl like a baby.

I walked into my dark and eerily quiet house and simply collapsed. It was a small accident, but it shook me up nonetheless. I keep seeing that deer leap out in front of my car. My back & neck are really sore as well as my biceps. I must have grabbed the steering wheel really tight. I have a bruise across my neck and both of my forearms are burned from the airbags (I didn't know they could do that!)

Our insurance company has decided to have our car repaired, which actually is fine with me. I would rather not have to go looking for a new car at this point. I liked the one I had. This is weird though--I'm really tired now. And I ache. I guess that's normal isn't it? I mean I did hit a cow...err...a deer!

Only in my dreams...

This is a picture of my cute Nana and my niece Eve. They look so cute, all ready for bed! I really miss her. My Nana died last December and like I said, I miss her. A lot.

Last night I had a dream and she was in it. In my dream I had forgotten she passed away, and we were talking and laughing with my mom and my aunt. At one point, she started to cry and when I asked her why she was crying she said, "I am sad because I am going to miss you! But I'm not afraid to die, because I know. I know today just like I knew yesterday. I know!"

I wouldn't say the dream was disturbing, but it has been on my mind since I woke up. One of my cousins was in my dream too, and in my dream she told me she was struggling.
I told her that I had been having a hard time too and she said, "I don't think I'm here by coincidence."

So...what does it all mean?

That I don't know, but I feel strongly that my Nana was trying to tell me something. I really felt her talking to me, through a dream, but I don't know what I'm supposed to know. Is she telling me to have more faith? Is she reassuring me she is with our Heavenly Father? Is she directing me to my cousin so we can help each other? Honestly, I don't know...

I do miss my Nana terribly. She used to write me letters all the time with words of encouragement and her testimony. She just seemed to know when I needed something to lift my spirits. She'd include notes that would say, "This is a hug from me to you" and signed every letter with hugs and kisses. Maybe she was sending me some encouragement from beyond the veil? Letting me know she's still there? I'm not sure.

But I hope she visits my dreams again! I love you Nana!

Am I the biggest loser?

So...

Have you ever looked at yourself in the mirror and couldn't believe who you saw staring back at you? You look at the reflection and say, "What the hell? Who is that? I don't know her!" and then you get that sinking feeling that, yeah...you DO know her. That's YOU.

Yep. I have reached a breaking point.

I seriously thought that maybe I was going nuts, that I was once again off my rocker. I've been screaming at my kids, so very easily irritated, and generally angry...for no reason. I mean, come on--what do I have to complain about? I have a beautiful home, 4 great kids, a husband who loves me despite my flaws--what more do I need?

So I took a good hard look at that girl in the mirror. I decided it's time for some serious changes.

Time to take better care of ME.

• go to bed earlier
• take my meds EVERY DAY
• eat the right foods
• drink more water
• try to be more physically active
• let stuff GO...no more emotional baggage
• read more
• laugh more
• smile more
• take more naps

I am stressed OUT and I have to take care of myself before I can take care of my family. As a mom, I am gonna be busy and there really isn't a way around it, but I can learn to handle things better. And so I shall.

I joined Weight Watchers Online again. Granty just laughed. How many times have I joined now? Hee hee! Doesn't matter. I feel better already knowing that I am doing something for myself to make me feel (and look!) better. Maybe I'll be lucky this time and I won't have to join ever again! I'll be the biggest loser! WOOT!

Take care,

UPDATE...UPDATE...UPDATE

WOW..it's been a long time!

I've thought about blogging a lot lately, but just haven't taken the time. I'm busy, yeah, but I should be better about updating this thing! After all, it is my journal...

ANYWAY...

Here, in a nutshell, is what's been going on around here:

• A TEEN'S ROOM...while Tim was gone on trek, I had my parents help me "redo" Tim's room. A lot of people were concerned I was doing it as a surprise...that he's a teenager and would want his room a certain way...that he wouldn't like it. Well, I know my kid...and he LOVED it! We painted a foot high black stripe around his room, hung his old skateboards up, bought some new posters, got new bedding for his bed, and grandma even made him a new quilt (black and white). We even hung up some old snowboards as shelves. Now onto Kaleb & Cameron's...
• TREK...Tim came home a seriously changed person. When I picked him up the night they returned, he cried the whole way home. He just didn't want to leave the feelings he had in Martin's Cove behind. He made some amazing friends and learned some wonderful lessons. He hasn't been the same since coming home.
• BREAK UP...YES!!! you heard me right, Tim broke up with his gf! He came home from trek and decided there are some better things out there for him, and let her go. He met some really cute girls on trek and has had a great time just getting to know said girls. He's hanging out with his friends, has joined the wrestling team at school and is getting involved with debate. FINALLY, we're on the right track!
• SUMMER...we had a fun summer. We went swimming, had bbq's, went to movies, played miniature golf, went to neighborhood parties...we really had a good time together. Our big vacation was the beginning of September in St George. What could be better than days and days of swimming, eating good food, and sleeping? Oh, and watching "The Vampire Diaries" on DVD. WOOT!
• SCHOOL...it may sound strange, but I did NOT look forward to school starting. I hate the busy schedule school brings. Now, I know there are mom's with busier schedules than me, but frankly, this is busy for ME:

5:30am.....get up, make lunches, make breakfast
6:00 am...take Tim to the school for wrestling practice
6:45am....make sure other 3 kids are getting ready for school
7:00am....make breakfast, again
7:30am.....Kaleb & Cameron off to school
7:40am.....Taylor off to school, 1st two babysitting kids arrive
8:00am.....other two babysitting kids arrive
11:20am....one more babysitting kid arrives
1:30pm....1st babysitting kid goes home
2:10pm.....pick up older babysitting kid from school
2:15pm....pick up Taylor from school; take two neighbor kids home
3:00pm....Kaleb and Cameron home from school
3:30pm.....pick up Tim from school after debate
5:30pm.....babysitting kids go home

Whew! That's all I can say...

• SCOUTS...my twins love scouts. They have become heavily involved in their boy scout troop and LOVE going on camp outs. They are leaving tomorrow on another said camp out--this one to Moab. The boys are all being checked out of school early. All the boys but mine. Due to some pretty pathetic grades, I can't justify letting them miss some school. Luckily one of their leaders is willing to wait for them to come home from school and then take 'em. Lucky, lucky boys!
• SHE'S WEARING WHAT?...that's right folks. My almost 12 yr old daughter has decided to sneak make-up to school since I won't let her wear it. Okay, I take it back, she can wear mascara and lip gloss. That's it. I have caught her after school with eyeshadow, blush AND lipstick on. See, she's not smart enough to wash it off before she comes home. Little stinker! *sigh* I guess I have to accept the fact she is turning into a young woman and wants to do young woman things. Except make-up!
• I AM SWEDISH...well, in the play I am in. YES!! I am in a play! Again! Finally! After what, 17 years, I am back on the stage! WOOT! The thing is, my character is Swedish...how the hell do you do a Swedish accent? I sound too German, or too Spanish whenever I try. Everyone keeps suggesting the Swedish Chef from The Muppet Show--now wait a second. First, you can't understand a word and second, I don't wanna throw fish around. Sheesh! Seriously though, I am stoked to be in another play. I can't wait for the next one!

Well, that's about it for now. I suppose I shall sign off until next time. Until then, be excellent to each other...

Keep on Trekkin'!

I sure suck at blogging lately. Anyway...

Our Stake is going on the Pioneer Trek this summer and I am SO JEALOUS! The church didn't start doing trek until after I was married, and I've always wanted to go. When we found out that Tim was going on trek this year, we decided to help him get ready as a family. He didn't seem very excited to be hiking out in the heat, so I knew we had to get him excited and change his point of view.

Since May, we have spent one night each week reading pioneer stories. The youth are encouraged to find a pioneer name and "trek for them". I've been asking Tim almost daily, "Did you decide who you are trekking for?" and always the answer was no.

Last Saturday, the Stake had a truly awesome activity. The set up a mock Iowa City for the youth to learn pioneer activities, have pioneer food, etc. When I dropped Tim off at the activity, I had this overwhelming feeling of reverence. "Iowa City" was filled with youth and leaders all dressed as pioneers. It was amazing! I almost felt like I had a tiny glimpse of what things were like before they headed out to come west. I heard music, laughter, and felt the excited energy of everyone there.

Tim came home really excited about trek and said, "Mom, I've got my name." He chose the name Robert Loader, who was 10 years old when he came west. I immediately started researching him online, but I found very little about him. Some information said he died on the plains, some said he lived. So I pressed on.

I came across information his sister wrote. Her name was Patience Loader, and she is actually quite well known. She had written a very long and detailed story of her families experience coming to Utah, so I decided we would learn from what she wrote. However, that wasn't enough. Did he live, or didn't he? And if he lived, where did he end up?

My last effort on finding information proved successful. There was an article submitted to the Pleasant Grove Cemetary from Robert Loader's GREAT GRANDSON. He had lived! He had a family! He was buried in Utah...only 20 minutes away from us!

So....

On Monday, for FHE, we went to find where Robert Loader was buried. On our way to the cemetary, I read some of Patience Loader's journal entry. I read of how they suffered, of how they were hungry, of how they pulled their dying father in handcart, of how they ate soup made from sagebrush, of how their tent was so frozen they couldn't put it up, of how they crossed the Sweetwater River and almost got swept away due to the current, of how their sister gave birth to a baby boy on the trail, of how they were certain Heavenly Father was aware of them and was blessing them. The kids were silent as they listened.


We were all eager to find where Robert was buried. We searched for quite a while and were starting to get discouraged, when Granty found his headstone. We were pleased to see that he was buried next to his wife, Eliza Driggs and two of his sons, James & Monroe. I wanted to see if by chance any other members of his family were buried there as well, and when I checked the register, I found his mother's name. When we found her plot, we were amazed to see that Amy Loader (his mother) was there, along with a memorial for his father, James Loader. Next to them was buried his older brother John and his wife as well as his sister Annie.

We stood for a while contemplating who these people were, and when I looked back for Tim, I saw he was still at Robert Loader's grave. He later told me that he was having a conversation with Robert, letting him know we was trekking for him. Tim said it was just like talking to a friend. I believe Robert Loader and Tim WILL be great friends one day.

I have such a deep, deep love for the pioneers. I always have. If there is any group of people who are an example to me of pure, perfect faith, it is the pioneers. I am so grateful to them. Grateful for their courage, their endurance, their love of God and their determination to never, never give up. But most of all I am grateful for their example.

"Why should we mourn or think our lot is hard?
'Tis not so; all is right.
Why should we think to earn a great reward

If we now shun the fight?

Gird up your loins; fresh courage take.

Our God will never us forsake;

And soon we'll have this tale to tell —All is well! All is well!"

We are family :)

You know, I've never been one of those people who has grand spiritual experiences. The kind that shake you up and make you say, "Hallelujah!" I guess things happen to me on a smaller scale. The Lord knows I am not always teachable, and has to take His time with me.

Last time I posted, I was in search of how to handle the situation with Tim. It was a very long weekend for me. I don't think I have ever really, REALLY fasted and prayed for an answer like this. I've prayed before. I've fasted before. But never quite this intensely.

I was sitting in Sunday School, still hoping for an answer, when all of the sudden ideas came flooding into my head. They were coming so rapidly I almost became short of breath. I started writing and writing and writing as fast as I could, trying to keep up with my racing thoughts. When I was finshed, I read what I had written and was amazed at the simplicity of what my words said. Basically it said, pull together as a family. Do this as a team. Make things right as a whole.

I came home from church and told Granty about what happened. I told him we need to start reading the scriptures as a family, saying family prayer, having FHE, spending LOTS of time together as a family--we had to become a united front because Satan was pulling us apart.

Granty just smiled at me and said, "Let's do it."

I asked him if he wanted to pray about it and he said no. He said he knew I had gotten an answer before I even told him and he was certain what I was saying was right.

It seems so simple--scriptures, prayer, fhe. We've always tried to do those things, but we've never been very dedicated. Granty wasn't interested and the kids didn't want to, so it easily got pushed aside. Not anymore. Our whole family is completely immersed in this and everyone WANTS to do it. No objections. No arguments.

It has made a difference.

There is a new spirit in our home. Things feel different. Sure the kids still argue. Of course we still disagree. But something has changed.

Yes, things are still tough with Tim, but what I have learned is this: we are strengthening our family bond. We are linking together and holding onto one another so that nobody will be left behind. That day in Sunday School, I had this vision of a sinking ship. I was watching as Tim was drowing and all of us, ALL OF US, were pulling him aboard the life boat. We were doing it together. Nobody was willing to let him go.

Nothing miraculous has happened in my home. Nothing earth shattering has occurred. The only thing that has changed is that were are truly including our Heavenly Father in keeping our family strong. Yes, bad things will happen. Yes, one of my children may let go for a time, but we will not give up in our rescue. We are a family, and for the first time, I think I know exactly WHY families are forever.

I love you Sutton family. We're in this forever!