How much of what weighs me down is not mine to carry

Colby, my oldest, is JUST like me.

Normally I say that beaming ear to ear.
He has my caring heart and wonderfully wholesome soul that looks for the good in everyone...
...But he also got the desire to please EVERYONE, even when it comes down to the stress inducing detriment of himself.

And I get it.  I was the "perfect teenager" because I didn't want to disappoint my mom.  I stayed on the straight and narrow, so I would never be thought of in an ill manner way by ANYONE.  I lived a safe (and honestly, boring) life... But it was "perfect", and I was happy because I thought everyone around me was happy too.

It wasn't until my ex, R. cheated, did my view change... because I HAD stayed on the straight and narrow and still my car was pushed off the road and, in turn, I wasn't happy and I finally had to stand up for myself and for my happiness.

I would say, I even went a little rouge.  I did any little whim of things that made me happy.  I didn't worry about what other people thought and I grew from it...

But see, I don't want Colby to have to go through something like that to find his voice.  He worries about anything and everything (like I do) and currently he cries to relieve his stress.  This infuriates his dad.  He dad doesn't believe that a teenage boy should cry like that.  But I get it.  My thoughts consume me some days... and on those days, I don't sleep.  Thankfully, I have a husband now that gets it and helps to calm those thoughts and lets me talk it out... which in turn helps me sleep.
It is also why I started to blog.  I needed to get the thoughts out.. and after I mentally "vomited" all over the page of the computer screen, I felt better.

Colby isn't like me when it comes to writing.  Words don't pour out of him.  But I need to find something... Something to help him feel less stressed... Something other than crying... Because,even though I don't care if he cries, his dad does... Which causes MORE stress because of his dad's reaction to the crying... and then Colby is stressed out  more and then I hear about it from my ex which stresses me out and then every body is stressed...

So... Any suggestions for relieving stress would be appreciated.

Darn responsible kids

The boys and I have been running ragged for quite some time now...  Honestly, it has become our norm.  It's what we're used to. What we expect.

However, there have been little cracks lately. Like Sam telling me for the past 3 weeks that he doesn't want to get out of bed in the morning or go to school because he's so tired. This is my child who LOVES school!

In fact, just this morning, he complained and complained and refused to get out of bed until 10 minutes before we had to leave... Which, of course, then made everything frantic to try to get out the door on time.

So... Tomorrow I don't have school.  I decided to do something I have never done.  I decided that we were going to sleep in and the boys were going to be tardy... Just because.

I almost didn't tell the boys, but then the teacher in me kicked in and I had to make sure they weren't going to be missing any important tests or anything...

And that's when it happened.

Sam complained......and complained... and wouldn't stop complaining. I would make him miss PE...  Even though he was having a sub, what if his teacher left something important... He would have SO much work to make up!!!

And I lost it.

I just couldn't believe he was complaining over the ONE thing he had been asking for EVERY morning for the last three weeks.

And as my brain was exploding... telling him "Fine. Fine. I will get up early but that I didn't want to hear him complain about being woken up early especially when we had stayed up late." (9:30. lol Late for them)...I caught myself.

I realized that I was actually proud.
Proud that I was dangling the carrot and my son still chose the right path (Honestly, not the path *I* wanted tomorrow morning - it's my day off.  I wanted to sleep!)  But still...

This was an easy decision.  This was a why would we be doing anything else? decision...  Because that's how I raised them.

Doesn't change the fact that I wanted to sleep in. *sigh* Here's to responsible kids *glass raised*

What do you see in the sky?

As I was driving the boys to meet R. this morning, we were talking about the sky.
I comment on how gorgeous the sunrises are most mornings or I might just simply say "Dear Lord thank you for this beautiful morning."

This morning I said, "Look how the clouds are sprinkled across the sky."

Colby says, "Do you know what clouds like that make me think of?"

Me: "What?"

Colby: You see how the bottoms are dark.  I think that represents the darkness and evil in the world. There's a lot it scattered all around. And the sun represents God.  The sun is touching all of the clouds, just like God touches all of us... and just like when God touches us and changes us, the sun changes the dark clouds to light."

Me (holding back tears) "You're right, son. What a beautiful analogy!"

I'll never look at scattered dark clouds quite the same again...

I *MIGHT* have let the cat out of the bag...

I think I just dispelled the mystery of Santa for my 10 year old son, Sam...
Some of you might think he is much too old to still believe in Santa, but that too, you can blame on me.
I love the thought of my children believing in something so whole-heartedly and without question.

So... yes, I have played up the Santa card quite well...

... until tonight.

Tonight, I left the present I bought for Sophia, Todd's daughter, sitting in the hallway.
That doesn't sound like much of a problem, right??

Well, it wouldn't be, except I bought her the thing she asked Santa for...
and Sam looked at me with eyes squinted and said, "Why would you buy that when Sophia asked Santa for that?"

I didn't have a good answer other than I saw it and knew she would like it.

Yeah.
I think I blew it.

Things that don't stick with you... Or Maybe they do

I was an awesome algebra student in high school and college!! (We won't talk about geometry.)

It just made sense to me.

In fact, in college, I had an 8 am algebra class where the professor took the first 30 minutes going over the homework from the class before.  I started showing up at 8:30 because I didn't need the extra explanation, but I could always use the 30 minutes of extra sleep. (Still can.)

However, I can honestly say that I don't sit around figuring algebraic equations for fun now days.

So, when my son, Colby sends me a text all in a panic not knowing how to do his homework (He was at his dad's), I wasn't worried.

...Until I saw the problems...

...and I drew a COMPLETE and utter blank...

(So much for KNOWING this stuff...)

Thankfully, I am a tech savvy woman that knows the answers are online if you search... and searched, I did.

But guess what?

Once I found the answer, I knew I couldn't just give the answer to Colby (the teacher in me wouldn't allow it.)

So, we Skyped.

I walked my brain down a path that used to be well trodden.
I admit... The weeds had definitely overtaken it. I had to look hard to even see that a path was still there; it was so overgrown.
As I pushed my way through though, it slowly revealed itself and I was explaining those equations to Colby without hesitation.
...And it felt good...Knowing a part of me that I used to be so proud of, was still there, buried deep inside.

I know that pathway will continue to be cleared out throughout the next few years of middle school and high school.

I wonder what other things I haven't thought about for over 25 years will need to be pulled from my dusty files???

My 940 are slowly slipping away

I used to cherish these evenings by myself.
They helped me refocus and get back centered with the world.

However, lately... they just feel lonely.

Today is Mother's Day.
I had the boys most of the day.
In fact, I had them all weekend until this evening.
Todd took us to the Lake and spoiled us with great food and friends.
We were engulfed in fun Friday and Saturday.
So, today, we just relaxed and caught up.

But as I dropped them off with R., it took all of me to drive back home...
...because I knew the house would be empty.
... and somehow, being alone doesn't refocus me any more...

It makes me realize how short my time is with my boys and I now feel every second I am not with them is a second I am missing out on.

Our lake weekend getaway

I prayed for this...

I prayed for a weekend of no baseball and sunshine.

The forecast all week showed that this weekend was going to be nothing but rain clouds and storms... and despite the fact that I was glad that we finally had time to get away to spend time together as a little family of five... I was disappointed with the weather.

So, I prayed.

Because my momma taught me that God listens to even the littlest prayers.

We woke to rain softly falling outside.
I had prepared for this... I had packed card games, just in case.

The rain lessened but it was SO cold and damp...
It didn't stop the kids though.

Richard then took us out on the gator... and was crazy enough to let the kids drive!

We found a beautiful little bird's nest.

Then Todd and Lois started their craziness of cooking...

Course 1
Crab Cakes and Saffron Risotto served with Mango/Pineapple Salsa and Grilled Sausages.

Course 2
A lemon cake with lavender buttercream that I made...  Some chose to eat it with Vanilla bean ice cream.

Then as if it was planned... the clouds went away, it got REALLY warm... so we headed out on the lake. (Thank you dear Lord for hearing small prayers)
The kids had fun!

And then we all just laid in the sun

We headed back to eat more...
Todd out did himself once again...

Course 3
Chicken Roulade stuffed with Prosciutto, Gorgonzola, Asparagus, Sweet Bells and Sage served with Caramelized Cremini Mushrooms and a Marsala Cream with Sun Dried Tomatoes. Garnished with Chive Blossoms and Crisped Sage.

We had a wonderfully relaxing (filling) weekend!!

It doesn't matter how you say it

Sam & My conversation tonight...

Me: do you like the cookies with the pecans?
Sam : I say pea-cans
Me : Pecans. Pea-cans. Tomato. Tomahto. Potato. Potahto. It doesn't really matter how you say it.
Sam: Fart. Fart.
Me : What does that have to do with what we're talking about?
Sam : It's a fart no matter how you say it.

Yes, I am raising boys. SMH!!

Finding the Light

For those of you that know me, I was raised in the church and was a VERY strong Christian as a child and young adult.

The death of my mom changed my path for a while.  I was mad at God for taking my mom from me.

When Colby was born, I tried to bring myself back to the church for the sake of my child.  I also, deep down, hoped that would be the reason why R. (my ex) would find the desire to start attending church with me.  It wasn't.

I hated attending alone.  I felt like I would have to answer the question of "Where is your husband?" and that embarrassed me, so I didn't go.

After my divorce, I felt like that question could easily be answered and so the doors of the church found the boys and I walking through them quite frequently.  I became part of the Education Committee and I started to feel like I had found my niche.

Then our pastor retired.  Changes began happening at our church.  I would attend church, but I felt empty there... but I didn't have an answer.  I felt like leaving my church was like giving up on someone when they are struggling.

Just recently one of my friends from church said she had started attending our satellite church and they were going to start confirmation classes geared at 9-13 year olds.  Since I had already questioned our new pastor about confirmation classes and he told me that he wasn't going to hold them until the kids reached 8th grade, I knew this was the time for change.  I feel bad that my boys aren't as well versed in the Bible as they should be.  I carry that very heavy burden on my shoulders daily.

So, we had our first confirmation class tonight.  Colby in one group.  Sam in the other.  I fought back the tears repeatedly throughout the lesson.  You see, this confirmation class is not only bringing the light to them... but it is also bringing it back to me.

Our mini vacation

This has a been a crazy busy summer!!
I love to take my boys and get away on vacations, but this just didn't seem like it was in the cards for us this year.
To start out, my a/c decided to give up its last leg.  I have been repairing it for the last 4 summers or so and it just couldn't make it any farther... so there goes a LOT of money!!

I'm taking classes for my masters this summer, so that has limited my time and then I am also tutoring 2 days as week.

All of this put together, is not a good 'get away' recipe...

But I just HAD to.
I needed to feel like I ACTUALLY experienced summer.

So, I rescheduled my tutoring and the boys and I left town for 3 days.

Colby got car sick on our way down (which has never happened before)...
Here is a pic just seconds before he puked on these stairs. LOL

To calm his stomach, we walked around for a while...  we turned the corner and I was sent back 20 years.  Yes, the last time I was here was in high school with my best friend, Erin.  We sat in this park and watched the eccentric locals - One I remember specifically was a high school boy dressed in a bright red long tailed marching band coat.

Erin and I also shopped in this store... Funny how some things don't change.

After Colby's stomach settled down, we got a quick bite to eat. (He's still a little green in this pic)

Then we headed out of town toward our cabin... 

This is the road that lead to it... the first sign of peacefulness and relaxation.

It had horseshoes for the boys to play.

An a HUGE yard, for baseball (of course)

And while they enjoyed themselves doing that... I enjoyed myself doing this.

We did find this little friend's home while we were out exploring.

Thankfully, he didn't live TOO close to us!

The first night we headed to the Great Passion Play.

I remember my mom bringing my brothers and I here when we were kids... 

So, it was nice to pass on this tradition to my boys.

The setting sun just added to it!!

Wednesday we headed into town.  

Colby had mentioned this 100' lookout tower several times and asked if we could stop.

Needless to say, Sam with his fear of heights was not exactly thrilled.

However, I was happy that the sign said it was FREE that day!

Reluctantly, Sam climbed... and would NOT stand up. LOL

So, we had to pose squatting for Sam. LOL

Colby, on the other hand, was extremely happy to be up that high!

So pretty esp for a July day!

After we went up 3 times, THEN Sam decided to go up and stand up.

Notice where I took the picture from??  Yep. This Momma was too tired for a 4th trip.

 We had heard wonderful things about Ermilio's ... only to find it closed for lunch.

What a blessing in disguise!  Because it was closed, we stumbled upon Oscar's Cafe.

It turned out to be our favorite thing all week.

I had the peach, brie, prosciutto salad. Delicious!

Sam tried out the waffle with sour cream and jam.

Colby had the chicken cranberry salad.

We then headed to the Turpentine Creek Wildlife Rescue.

We saw lions...

...and tigers...

  ...and bears. OH MY!

Actually this bear I think wanted to eat Sam.  He would huff and anytime Sam would turn away from him, he would charge the fence.  It was funny and scary all in one!!

Look at these scary creatures!!

That evening we did do back to Ermilio's for dinner...

... but what is a vacation without s'mores??

So we built a quick fire and made some.

The next day, we got up and hiked along the Beaver Lake.

Our hike was quick because it started to look like rain.

Colby bought this walking stick at the wildlife refuge.  He had to include it in our picture. LOL

We got a quick bite before leaving town.  This sign seemed appropriate for our mini vaca. 

Our last stop on our way home was Onxy Cave.

It was a self guided audio tour.

 It was interesting to be the only ones down there.

Any time I get to spend with my boys is a good time though!!!