Alive again

All I could do was try to keep living until I felt alive again.

I'm becoming my mother

I don't think of my mother every day... but how she raised my brothers and me is just ingrained and sometimes it leaks out... and that makes me think of her.

I laugh because sometimes when I'm frustrated or caught off guard, I shout things like, "Boy howdy"  or "Oh for Pete's sake"  or  "By golly"  or "Heavens to Betsy"
My friends get a kick out of these... But they came from my my mother's desire for us kids not to cuss.  She used to wash out my mouth with Dial soap when I said things like, "Gosh darn it"  or "Jeez" because they were TOO close to using the Lord's name in vain.

Another thing she taught us (without telling us) was how to say "Good morning" ... Now this wasn't just any Good Morning...  This is with buttery warmth that the person you are saying it to doesn't even have to look at you to know you are smiling with happiness in your heart as you say it.

This buttery warm "Good morning" came out of me this morning... to the "friend" that has not been kind to me lately.  I had not planned to say it... It just came out.  On top of it, it came out sounding just like my mother!

As I walked past out of the door, the weight of it hit me.  That was my mother that said that.  THAT was something she would have totally done.  Been sweet and buttery when anyone else would have thought sour would have been the place.  She had a wonderful way of moving past things.

I'm not there yet... but I am proud to say, "I'm becoming my mother."

My heart hurts

I honestly have to say my heart hurts today...

I know SamD wants nothing to do with me.  She makes that quite evident on a daily basis.

The problem is... She is mad at me for being human... For asking a simple question, "How was your summer?"

And I have ACTUALLY apologized for that... For being human!

So that makes me wonder... How does one person get to determine when friendships are lost?
I can truly say that I would NEVER allow her to exclude either one of you without sticking up for you.

I mean, maybe you have and I don't know it... But by not being invited...

Well... Like I said, my heart is hurting.

The friendship sea

As a 42 year old woman, I wold have never thought I would have to question my friendships.  I figured by this time in my life, my friendships would have a solid unwavering foundation and that I could smoothly sail on the friendship sea.

However, I have been proven wrong.  The friendship sea is rough and sometimes unyielding.

Like when the one person you *thought* was your friend and you stood by even though you saw her treat some of your other friends unfairly and excluded them from your group is now doing that to you...

You know that close knit group of friends that you did EVERYTHING with?  Yeah, that one.
Well they got together for their monthly get together tonight and you weren't invited... and of course she posted pics *knowing* you would see them.

And it makes you wonder... how are none of your other friends NOT standing up for you??

Then you remember.  YOU didn't do that for the last friend that was excluded.
That one will forever haunt you...

Loyal to a fault

Who knew being loyal could be a bad thing?

Looking back, I think being loyal to a fault is why I had such bad previous dating relationships...
Because the guy would act/do something that would not be beneficial to support our relationship, and me being so gosh darn loyal would somehow end up being the one trying to smooth things over when I wasn't the one who had done anything wrong.

This happened yesterday with one of my friends... and honestly it isn't the first time she has treated me this way. I went home and cried and cried about it.  I just couldn't see why she would treat me this way.  I spoke to a mutual friend about it - just trying to gain some clarity - was I so involved that I didn't see the true picture?

This is when my mutual friend pointed out that she has treated me this way before... and that I stood by her and made sure in the end that our friendship was back in good standing.  She never apologized for her actions.  It was me... Even though I didn't do anything wrong.

That was eye opening to me.

Here I was again... Feeling bad. Wanting to apologize, when I hadn't done anything wrong... Just wanting the waters to be smooth again.

I made a promise to myself many years back to stop allowing men to treat me in this way... Guess I need to extend that promise out to myself to include not allowing anyone to treat me this way.

And I need to remind myself that being loyal and being respected should go hand and hand... and that it is a requirement by both sides!

30 days of Truth Revisited: Day 1:Hatred

I did the 30 days of Truth back 7 years ago... I did it to jump start my blogging when I was lacking in making posts.. a time I wasn't sure I was being truthful to myself.

Here I am in 2017 and I have only made a few posts this year... I have no fear that I'm truthful to myself any more.  In fact, I'm probably TOO truthful (if there is such a thing).  But my thoughts have not made it to paper (or a screen).
So, to dedicate myself back to writing my thoughts, I will revisit the 30 days.

Day 01 → Something you hate about yourself.

I have always been insecure. Something inside myself has always made me question myself.  Esp after my divorce.  It made me build my walls high... Even when my walls were ALL the way up and on the outside strutted like I was all that, I was still insecure.  I just didn't show others that.

Most recently, I guess it would be my insecurity would be with my changing body.  I hate that I am falling in that "40's" category that my body is over taking me like an alien.  I have no control over emotions or weight gain or other craziness that no one fully reveals to you that your body is going to throw at you.

I hate that I'm almost 42 and I would even need to question myself about my self image.

I mean, I'm healthy and I'm loved. What else do I need??

***Maybe I should post that somewhere for me to see daily... Cause hate is such a strong, ugly word... and I DEFINITELY don't need it in my life.

You know my dad?!?

I'm sitting with my summer school group eating lunch. It is always a fight as to who gets to sit next to me at lunch.  It's something that secretly makes me smile.  Today, J. won the position. She is an ESL student and she is the sweetest little thing possible!

We are all having conversations and all of the kids are talking over each other trying to get their story told to me before lunch time is over. The little boy across from me finishes his story and I respond with "No way, Jose!"

Just then J. pipes up, "You know my dad?!?"
Me: "What sweetheart?"
J:"Jose. You know my dad?"
Me : (giggling) "No babe. It's a saying... Do you ever say 'No way Jose' to your dad?"
J: (looking confused) "No...I just call him Dad."

I will never be able to be able to hear someone say "No way Jose" without thinking "You know my dad?!?" LOL

How much of what weighs me down is not mine to carry

Colby, my oldest, is JUST like me.

Normally I say that beaming ear to ear.
He has my caring heart and wonderfully wholesome soul that looks for the good in everyone...
...But he also got the desire to please EVERYONE, even when it comes down to the stress inducing detriment of himself.

And I get it.  I was the "perfect teenager" because I didn't want to disappoint my mom.  I stayed on the straight and narrow, so I would never be thought of in an ill manner way by ANYONE.  I lived a safe (and honestly, boring) life... But it was "perfect", and I was happy because I thought everyone around me was happy too.

It wasn't until my ex, R. cheated, did my view change... because I HAD stayed on the straight and narrow and still my car was pushed off the road and, in turn, I wasn't happy and I finally had to stand up for myself and for my happiness.

I would say, I even went a little rouge.  I did any little whim of things that made me happy.  I didn't worry about what other people thought and I grew from it...

But see, I don't want Colby to have to go through something like that to find his voice.  He worries about anything and everything (like I do) and currently he cries to relieve his stress.  This infuriates his dad.  He dad doesn't believe that a teenage boy should cry like that.  But I get it.  My thoughts consume me some days... and on those days, I don't sleep.  Thankfully, I have a husband now that gets it and helps to calm those thoughts and lets me talk it out... which in turn helps me sleep.
It is also why I started to blog.  I needed to get the thoughts out.. and after I mentally "vomited" all over the page of the computer screen, I felt better.

Colby isn't like me when it comes to writing.  Words don't pour out of him.  But I need to find something... Something to help him feel less stressed... Something other than crying... Because,even though I don't care if he cries, his dad does... Which causes MORE stress because of his dad's reaction to the crying... and then Colby is stressed out  more and then I hear about it from my ex which stresses me out and then every body is stressed...

So... Any suggestions for relieving stress would be appreciated.

Trust

I don't know why it rattled me so much... I've had students lie to me before...  I've had students steal from me before... it just... really. freakin. hurt.

You see... I have this student that comes and checks in with me.  He does so because he is known for lying and stealing.  It's like his little daily "conscience" check before he starts his day.

At first, you could tell he didn't want to be gracing my doorway every morning... We talk about things that we do to prove people can trust us.  And at first I could see his eyes roll, even if he didn't physically do it, but I saw less reports of lying and no new reports of stealing... and I felt like we had a rapport.  I guess you could say that I was giving myself a virtual pat on the back for breaking ground with this kid.

Until today.

Today, he got caught going through my desk drawers... which caused the realization to hit that the candy bar he "got" yesterday (that his mom emailed to see if I had given to him because he said it was from a friend) was FROM MY DRAWER! And then when I point-blank asked him about it, HE LIED!

I'm not gonna lie.
I trusted him.

Despite what everyone else told me... I like to give kids the benefit of the doubt (until they prove me wrong.)

And today... Today, he proved me wrong.
And it crushed me.

I guess I wanted to believe SO badly that I had made a difference and in one quick action, I felt as if I failed.
Funny though... How HE did the wrong action and yet *I* feel like I failed.

That's why people don't understand teaching sometimes... Because when our students fail, we view it as a poor reflection on us... Or at least I do.

And I don't like to fail.