On last week’s episode of
Top Chef, the Cheftestants catered the Last Supper in New York before moving to New Orleans for the Finale. Fabio, despite breaking his finger, won – and Skanky Leah was sent back to whatever Escort Service …
sorry … RESTAURANT she was working at.
This week’s episode opens with scenes from the great city of New Orleans. The four Cheftestants arrive, hug, and head to the Houmas House Plantation outside of the city. In front of the plantation’s main house, Padma, Tom, and Emeril Lagasse greet the 4 finalists. Noticeably, there are only 3 workstations for the Quickfire Challenge.
Padma informs the remaining Cheftestants to relax – they WON’T be cooking – but three other Chefs WILL be. Out of the house walks Jamie (and her tattoos), Jeff (and his hair), and Leah (and her Herpes medication). Leah immediately gives a suggestive glance to Hosea – it was subtle, but I managed to notice…
Padma informs everyone that Jamie, Jeff and Leah will be competing in a Crawfish Quickfire Challenge. They will have one hour to create their best Crawfish dish. The winner will get a second chance at making it to the Finale.
Leah decides to do a Gumbo – although she has never cooked Gumbo before. She has also never worked with Crawfish. Could someone please tell me WHAT Leah HAS done?!? Oh yeah….
Leah really should have spent more time practicing her craft. In the KITCHEN, anyway.
Jeff has quieted some of the many voices in his pretty head – and has decided to concentrate on ONE dish – Crawfish and Grits. Jamie is doing a Corncake with a Poached Egg and Crawfish Cream Sauce – hold the Scallops. They show Emeril watching all of this, Evita-style, from the mansion’s grand balcony before Padma tells everyone that time is up.
Emeril visits the three former losers. Leah, the culinary scholar, states “I made, like, a Crawfish Soup”. What happened to, like, Gumbo?? Jeff informs Emeril that he used some beer in his recipe (which Emeril seems to likee), and Jamie garnished her plate with a dead Crawfish. Because nothing says elegance like a dead crustacean.
Emeril announces that Jeff has won the Quickfire, and Padma informs Jeff that he must WIN the Elimination Challenge to remain in the competition. If Jeff wins, two of the final four will go home. If he does NOT win, Jeff and one of the final four will pack their knives and go.
The Cheftestants go to their hotel – the famed Monteleone – and break out some Champagne before getting ready for dinner at Emeril’s Delmonico restaurant.
At dinner, Carla is quiet and philosophical, Fabio is charming, Jeff keeps looking at his reflection in the shiny spoon, and Hosea and Stefan continue their ongoing dick-measuring contest. Between you and me, I bet they could SHARE one ruler and still have inches to spare. Stefan clarifies – “this is not a butt-rubbing contest”. Thank Goodness, because then Leah would have won it all.
The next day they take a pointless trip to Mardi Gras World – the huge warehouse where many of the floats from the various Mardi Gras parades are made and stored. Padma informs them that the Elimination Challenge will be to cater a Masquerade Ball for the Krewe of Orpheus tomorrow night. There will be 100 people, and it will be held at the New Orleans Museum of Art. They must create two dishes (one of them must be Creole), and one cocktail. They will have five hours to prep/cook at Emeril’s restaurant, and then one hour to set up at the museum.
Padma gives them a little extra incentive to win the challenge … "
Tell them what they’re playing for, Johnny Gilbert … A NEW CAR!!!!”
Carla is ecstatic – so ecstatic that she pronounces “car” with two syllables (
Fabio-style): “A ca - ar!”. Fabio eloquently informs us why he needs a new car – because his current car is a “piece of poo – oop”.
During one of those annoying between-the-commercials “vignettes”, we see the Cheftestants drinking back at the Hotel. Stefan recalls visiting Fabio at Halloween, and encountering a manly Italian in a blond wig…
It was enough to scare the hell out of poor Stefan.
Anywhore, the Cheftestants head over to Emeril’s restaurant the next day for prep. Fabio is impressed with the Emeril's setup. “This dude is-a faymoss”, Fabio says. “He has-a all kind of tools. He has-a da stove, he has-a da oven”. I’m no Chef, and I’m not a faymoss dude – but even I has-a da oven. It’s where I keep-a my pots and pans.
Carla is preparing an Oyster Stew – even though she only recently learned how to shuck Oysters.
How many Oysters could a Hootie Hoo shuck, if a Hootie Hoo could shuck Oysters? We shall soon see.
Jeff’s many voices seem to have re-appeared, as he is creating a 17-part dish consisting of 3,853 individual ingredients. “It’s a lot of steps”, he states. No, blondie, Sylvester Stallone ran up a lot of steps in
Rocky – YOU are trying to run up the Aztec Pyramid dedicated to the Sun God. Good luck with that.
Fabio, who is sporting the traditional
Top Chef fauxhawk – as opposed to a blond wig – is making something that sounds like “Mack Truck” or “Big Mac” or “Mack Daddy”. Carla is talking to her Oysters – trying to get them to
GO SHUCK THEMSELVES, I suppose. And Stefan isn’t cooking as much as he’s chain-smoking. And taunting Hosea with sausage/cock talk. Smoked sausage, I’m assuming.
Speaking of sausage, step # 1,381 in Jeff’s simple 3,853-step plan is making his own sausage. And only Jeff can stay this pretty while making sausage…
They pack up their crap and head to the Museum for set up. Their bartenders arrive, and the Chefs give them individual instructions. Fabio has pre-mixed everything, Carla is doing a non-alcoholic drink (since she doesn’t drink herself), and Stefan suggests they hurry up and get set up so they can go smoke. Hey, if he doesn’t become the
Top Chef, Stefan could always be the Marlboro Man.
The judges arrived – in their masked finery. Emeril, Padma, Tom and …
wait for it bitches …
GAIL AND HER BOOBIES!! Let the GOOD TIMES ROLL!!! Gail looks rested, the girls look perky, and no one mentions AssHat Toby Young – it’s like he never existed. And all is right in my world.
The masked guests enter, and immediately start chowing down. The masks remind Fabio of an “old porn movie” (what kind of porn do they have in Italy?) – and he flirts with all the women. Some Queen, after tasting Fabio’s food, says it’s “like a parade in my mouth” – a scenario I’m sure Miss Thang will reenact somewhere on Bourbon Street later that evening.
All the big drunk gals are giving Carla the “Hootie Hoo” chant. Carla seems comfortable and confident – and tells us “it’s that love thing” that makes her food taste better. Emeril seems to really likee her food, and Gail raves about the “big and plump and juicy” oysters she got in her stew. Speaking of "big and plump and juicy" ... did I mention how much I missed Gail and her Boobies??
Service is over, and the Cheftestants head back to the Hotel Monteleone. Instead of a Storage Room, they hang out in the Not-So-Glad Hotel Room until Padma calls them all down for Judge’s Table.
The judges seem to likee Carla’s food. Gail said Carla's Beignet’s were “smoking hot!” and she could have popped them in her mouth all night. If Toby would have said that same shit I would have thrown a brick through my television. But when it comes out of Gail’s mouth, it’s covered in fairy dust and fabulousness.
The judges also seem to likee Hosea's food. According to Gail, his gumbo had the most developed flavor. And guess what, Gail made that statement without having to invoke a movie/actor/Elvis/toilet/drug kingpin analogy – like certain OTHER judges who no longer exist!
Finally, the judges also seemed to likee Jeff’s dishes. They definitely liked his cucumber mojito cocktail. But remember, Jeff has to be #1 to move into the final.
Team Europe doesn’t fare so well. Fabio’s drink was too sweet, and Stefan’s gumbo wasn’t as good as it could have been. Tom also calls out Stefan for being overconfident and even “cocky”. Unfortunately Stefan doesn’t hear this criticism, because he was in the Smoking Lounge at the time.
The Judge’s deliberate, make their decision, and call them all back in. The winner is Carla – she will be heading to the Finale. And she also wins A NEW CAR!!!
Unfortunately that means Jeff will be going back to the Dildo Beach club, where he belongs.
Hosea is also safe – which means either Stefan or Fabio will be going home…
“Fabio, please pack your knives and go.” Fabio leaves, and vows to “keek” Stefan’s ass if Stefan doesn’t win.
But don’t worry about our Italian Stallion. Something tells me we are going to see him on television soon. Let’s face it, he was MADE for TV. And, as Fabio himself said last night – “I didn’t came in dis cun-tree to be ava-rage”.
