Brief holiday recap

I won't post tomorrow - we are heading to the coast (Wilmington) to see our son's boat, but I was online today and thought I'd do a quick check-in.

This holiday has been super nice, although certainly not perfect.  Too many houseguests for too long creates a lot of anxiety, and we have suffered from that.  Otherwise it has been awesome.

I haven't done half the things I thought I'd do and I am perfectly fine with that! 

I will write more about my goals for 2014 another day, but just wanted to drop by and wish you all a happy and healthy 2014.

love,
me

Happy Holiday hiatus

Good morning!

I hope you are enjoying some time off and doing important stuff like spending time with loved ones and re-creating your grandmother's ice box fruit cake (well, my mom did that last one actually!  And ice box fruit cake is good!).

I didn't plan to take this much time off from the blog, but it happens.  It's been enjoyable so far.  We are heading back home on Saturday. 

It has been quite cold and I haven't been getting outside as much as I would like - I've become a wimp after 2.5 years in south Florida!  But we've been doing a lot of running around, so I've kept active.  And I cooked my butt off a couple of days (Christmas day and then cooked stuff to send home with my son).  I think that with the total lack of Thanksgiving dinner I went a little overboard on Christmas and cooked a dish or 2 too many.  But we had a crowd and everyone enjoyed everything.  I made the best turkey I've ever made, I have to say.  It was sooo moist and tender. 

Yesterday I got together with my best friend.  We went out for lunch and I had a big, fresh salad, which was excellent.  Then we walked around an antique mall just looking around.  I spend $3.84 on a couple of little things (neither for me).

It's been great sleeping in my own bed (our queen bed is now at my mom's since the guest room had a twin bed) and cuddling with my dogs.  Jordan isn't a lap dog - she's far too independent for that.  But we've done a lot of playing and hugging.  I can tell she's missed me as much as I have missed her.

It's been a great visit and it's going to be very tough to go back to Ft. L, away from family & friends.  But you do what you have to do sometimes.  Ah, the joys of adulthood. :-)

Take care and I will get back to regular posting next week!

T-2 hours!

Yep, car is mostly packed, bags are mostly packed, and we are heading out in just a couple of hours!

We are glad the trip will be broken up, rather than having to do it all tomorrow.  Plus, we get to our dogs sooner!

I never would have imagined 2 adults with an actual human child could miss their dogs so much, but we do!  (For the record, we miss the human child and the rest of our family as well.)

I probably won't post this weekend.  Enjoy and I hope you won't make yourself crazy trying to do too many things last minute!

Be good to yourself. :-)

Like an Ember in my Heart

The past couple of days I've been feeling stressed.  I just go with it these days.  It culminated in a meltdown Tuesday night when my in-laws expected one more completely inconsiderate and unreasonable thing (for my husband to spend several hours on the road Christmas eve day so neither my BIL nor any of his adult children would have to).

After my meltdown hub and I both agreed that 1) the request was unreasonable and 2) that MIL going up to Maryland with none of her things and no car was a recipe for disaster (did I ever write about the Christmas BIL & fam threw her out in the middle of a blizzard (well, she did have a car) and she made a terrifying 2 hour drive back to her house and then my mom and husband drove 15 hours to get her butt so she wouldn't be alone for Christmas?).

ANYWAY.  Stressed and emotional, table for one.

But this morning, I had a dream.  It was the last dream before I woke up for good around 5-ish.  (Then I laid in bed for about an hour just dozing & thinking about it).  It wasn't anything fancy or exotic, just me & my mom over at my grandparent's house helping them do some work around the house.  Everybody was just acting like themselves - my grandparents were being sweet & funny and we were all having a good time.

The thing is that Papa has been dead for nearly 12 years, and Monie for nearly 3.  But that's irrelevant, because I felt their love for me as vividly as if they had been in the room with me.  Which I believe they were.  Because I believe 2 things based upon experience: I believe that angels visit us, as well as the dead.  It's been years since either of my grandparents visited me - I'm sure they have plenty to do, but they obviously felt I needed a reminder that 1) I am loved and 2) I will be okay.  And I carry that reminder, like an ember in my heart.

I am crazy for vintage ornaments

For years I have really admired the 1950s Shiny-Brite ornaments.  But they can be pricey on ebay and even pricier to buy new, so I was very happy to see on retrorenovation.com that Target is selling knock-offs, in a couple of different colorways:

The red/green combo was available online (and on sale!) but the pink & aqua above was not available online.  They had them in my local store, but not on sale.  I asked, and they price matched their web site.  Woot!  I got a box for myself and one for my mom.

I love ornaments.  I wish I could have a tree this year, but at least I have cute ornaments! :-)

Staying Positive

Yesterday the hub woke up feeling blue, and was still kinda sad when I got home.  I took him out for some hot soup.  I felt the same this morning.  I have no idea why.  We're both excited about gettign to leave on Friday.

This morning I went to the German deli and bought 2 bottles of curry ketchup (it's a German thing).  I ususally have to make it from scratch, but I braved 'old' Ft. Lauderdale and all the crazy roads and traffic.  I bought a bottle for my husband and one to put in with the boy's Christmas bag.  he's mostly getting money, but I have a few small things for him as well.

I really like Christmas music, but one of my favorite songs I on;y heard for the first time last year, (even though it's older than me!), on the holiday staion on the tv of all places!

Have you ever heard of Mitch Miller?  I hadn't either but he was big in the music business, especially in the 50s and 60s, and even had his own show "Sing Along with Mitch Miller".  Anyway, he has a christmas song "Must be Santa" that's a sort of polka singalong that always brings a smile to my face.  If you get a chance, head over to Grooveshark or one of those music sites that lets you play specific songs and give it a listen.  It will put a smile on your face! :-)

Happy Holidays

I love doing crafty things, and I love Christmas.  Lately I've seen some really cute craft ideas over on the retro renovation website.  I also saw an adorable wreath on ebay:

http://www.ebay.com/itm/190761443680?ssPageName=STRK:MEWAX:IT&_trksid=p3984.m1438.l2649

The cool things about it is that if you are crafty, you can easily make your own version!  Which I may do with my mom over the holidays. :-)

Also, I have a credit card with Hilton rewards and so we frequently stay using our points.  I found a Hampton Inn about 5.5 hours up the road for a very reasonable point value, so I booked us in for Friday night.  So we are going to get on the road when I get off work Friday!  That will put us that much farther up the road Saturday, not to mention it will make the drive easier by breaking it up.

I am so excited to be going to my mom's for the holidays!!!

I'm not really stressed this year - at least not about the holidays.  We all agreed to put a very strict spending limit on gifts, so we are just focused on being together and enjoying each other.

So I am getting very excited!

The quiet before the holiday storm

This is my last "full" week at work, and it promises to be a quiet one.  (I'm working 2 days a week for the following 2 weeks, then back to normal.)  Many people are beginning to go out for the remainder of the year (today is my boss' last day until after the holidays), so it's a good time to go through old files and generally clean the desk in prep for a new year.

The weekend was a quiet one.  Saturday we rode to Naples to visit friends after I did the grocery shopping and hub had a dental appointment.  Yesterday we did minimal food prep (meatloaf for breakfast and hub grilled chicken for our lunch salads).  We watched a couple of holiday movies and part of a football game.

This afternoon I need to sort through my kitchen stuff.  I plan to pack some more of it up for storage - I left out far more than I am using.  It'll be nice to have it out of the way.

Anyway, it promises to be a low key week, both at work and at home, and then Saturday we head for NC.  Woot!

Have a good day!

Happy Friday

Isn't that my title every Friday??? :-)

Down about 2 pounds this week - woot!

Took a very nice walk last night around a different part of the neighborhood to check out the lights.  It was very nice.  Temps here have cooled down to the upper 70s/very low 80s and the humidity has dropped.  Now that's a Christmas gift!!!

Hope you have a nice weekend!

Random

Filed under "Your heels might be too high if...".  If I overhear you in the ladies room talking on the phone, telling your friend that you have to take your shoes off to drive your car, they might be too high.  "They aren't made for driving" you say.  I say, "Aren't shoes made for wearing while you are living???"  Weird.

This is a reminder to me, especially at this time of year:  The difference between 3 and 43 is that at 43, you have the life experience and intellectual capacity to realize that foregoing short term pleasure can offer long term benefits.  Sure you can have a cookie from the breakroom, but it probably won't help you lower your cholesterol (or your pants size!).  You can opt to save money.  Just because you get a 30% off coupon in the mail from your fave store, you can, you know, NOT use it.  Your bank account will thank you.  This isn't "sacrafice" - this is being mature.  Also, skip the last minute "I haven't bought enough!  Red alert!  Buy more crap to put in the stockings!"  My child is 18 - we can skip stockings, thankyouverymuch.

My holiday cards are done - neener neener neener! :-)

Emotion Ocean, and we're talking high seas!

My emotions have been crazy the past couple of days.  I've been really down in the dumps, with no particular cause. 

Tuesday afternoon I was feeling teary and sad and decided to indulge in a little retail therapy.  Which I figured was better than eating.  I went to Goodwill to check out their holiday stuff, looking for little bits that mom and I could use to make some ornaments.  Cause I like to get my craft on from time to time.  That was a no go, but I did find a holiday fleece top with penguins for $1.25 and a pair of Chico's slacks in the style I like in a color I don't have (a kinda khaki color) for $2.  So I spent less than $4 and got a top that I can wear up in NC while we're up there and pants for work.  Not too bad.

Yesterday I went to the dentist so she could "try on" my permanent crowns and see how they look.  I was there for over 3 hours.  It was very frustrating.  She did get them adjusted so they fit, but they really don't look quite right.  It's maybe a matter of millimeters here and there, but when you have to live with your smile for the rest of your life and spent roughly $17,000, you want it to look right.  And right now it doesn't.  So the crowns went back to the lab for tweaking, and then we'll do another test fit.  I am supposed to get them "installed" Jan 7, but if they aren't right, I'll need another appointment.  Le sigh.

All in all, a teary couple of  days.

Part of it is the heat.  Please don't a) laugh or b) be jealous.  Where I am living right now the a/c isn't on, it's in the mid 80s, and the himidity is in the 90s.  It's too hot in the house to wear my "winter" clothes in to the office (although it's cold at work), and the humidity means my bangs look like Shirley Temple stuck her finger in an electric socket (frizz city!) moments after walking in the door.  This morning I resorted to using the curling iron to straighten them, and burned my forehead.  Again with the le sigh.

Again, there's loads of good stuff - looks like we'll be in NC for 2 weeks, hub has a promising lead on a job opportunity, and this Saturday we are faced with a nearly whole day (after his 9:30 dental appt) with nothing to do but go have fun somewhere.  Oh, and my Christmas cards are nearly done!  Woot!

I have a busy morning so no idea when I will get a workout in - this afternoon I hope. Worst case scenario I walk this evening and double up tomorrow - kettlebells AND Jillian Michaels.

Anyway, just needed to vent a bit.  I hate it when I feel like my emotions are driving the bus and I'm just a passenger trying to get off!!!

Have a good one!

Checking In

Exercise is going extremely well.  My plan is to try & do several small bursts, spread throughout the day.  That keeps the periods I spend just sitting from being too long (I sit at a computer all day, so I try to incorporate getting up & moving into that time) and lets me do more without it feeling too daunting. 

Yesterday I walked in the morning, did a 30 minute cardio videoa and 100 kettlebell swings at work, then took a walk in the neighborhood after dinner to see the Christmas lights.  This morning I walked before work, came in and did a workout from Jillian Michael's "Ripped in 30" and I plan to walk again this evening.  The workouts at the office are fairly high intensity - walking in the neighborhood certainly is not, but it's time I'm not asleep or sitting, so that's good.

As you know, I plan and prep my food for breakfasts and lunches on the weekends.  This week I made a tactical error, when ended in a poor choice yesterday.  For my lunches, instead of grilling chicken or adding chickpeas to my salad, I took some homemade falafel out of the freezer.  the problem was I didn't like them the first time and I looked at it yesterday and said "yuck." 

For several weeks now I've been eyeing the seafood linguine in the cafeteria every time they serve it.  Yesterday was probably the 4th time I've seen it and the falafel was the final push I needed to cave and buy it.  It wasn't as good as it looked and I didn't finish it, but still, the point is that had I brought in some yummy grilled chicken or something I probably would have opted to skip the pasta.

Dinner last night was really good - baked chicken, sweet potato "fries" (baked in the oven), and yello squash.  We both really enjoyed that and since we ate a little later than normal, there was no after dinner snacking.  It also helped I was really tired and went to bed early!

Anyway, that's what is happening around these parts.  Just looking forward to seeing my family for the holidays.

Take care.

Unseasonable weather weekend

Good morning!

I hope you had a nice weekend and it wasn't filled with an overabundance of crazy. :-)

Friday night hub got home at a reasonable time and we had a nice dinner.  Saturday we got up and did our chores: grocery shopping, food prep, laundry, drop off his car for servicing.  Poor husband!  He went to Costc0 while I started food prep.  He finally got home and all he said was "I hate people."  Saturday morning and they had the police out directing traffic at Costc0!!!  Luckily, we got the bulk items we needed and everything else cna be purchased at the regular store until after the holidays!

I think we finished mid-afternoon-ish and watched a little tv.  I made dinner (baked fist, roasted brussel sprouts, sweet potatoes).  I experimented with making my own pumpkin spice creamer and it sucked, but I'm willing to try again.

Saunday morning we got up, fixed breakfast, took a walk, and headed for Morikami Museum & Gardens.  Turns out there was a Japanese farming settlement a few miles north of Ft. Lauderdale that began in 1904-ish.  The gentleman who founded the settlement left roughly 140 acres to be set aside as a museum & japanese garden.  The garden has examples of traditional gardens from various periods of japanese history, as well as some statues and architectural features, a large bonsai display, and a lovely cafe.

All told, we were there for around 3 hours.  It is one of those things I've wanted to do since we moved here but never found time.  The loop through the gardens is maybe a mile, but we spent a lot of time looking at things & taking pictures.

And there is the upside of right now: I am not a slave to my house.  Don't get me wrong, I'm one of those wacky people who enjoy housework and keeping my house clean.  But it was too big & too difficult for just one person.  Next time I want to be more intentional about the size & how we set things up to make it easier to keep neat & tiday.  And I will contionue to downsize my possessions!

The weather here is about 11 degrees above average, just freakishly warm.  I could use with a little crisp in the air!

Take care & have a good day!

Weird week, and other observations

This has been an odd week, partly because we drove back from NC on Monday.  Also, hub had Tuesday off but has been working late the past couple of days.  Yay money but it's left me a bit adrift as far as dinner.  Last night I ate a frozen meal.  Ugh.  I am ashamed - I know that stuff is crap.

Got on the scale this morning - I've lost 0.4 pounds in the last month.  In other words, I've made it through the recent stressors without gaining - which was my personal goal.

Yesterday I did a cardio video and did 100 kb swings.  Today I did a workout from Jillian Michael's "Ripped in 30 Days" (or something like that) video.  I've been slacking on the weight training, and I need that back in my life.  I like the video and plan to do it for the next couple of weeks.  Once we go to NC, I'll need to take my kb with me - I don't have any weights at my mom's, or a place to do a workout video.  But the kb and I are very familiar with her front porch (unlike the back porch, it's dog free).

I have a pair of Earth Spirit brand sandals from W-M that I wear around the house ALL the time.  I don't like wearing sneakers constantly (although I wear them if I will be standing a lot - like food prep).  I like to be able to take my shoes off when I sit down, so sandals are nice.  But I have very high arches so I need something with a sneaker-like base.  These are those shoes - very supportive and comfortable.  I've been wearing them for years.  I generally go through 2 pair per year and I've worn them for 7 or 8 years I guess.  My husband calls them my "Pocahontas shoes".  Here's a pic:

Mine are a slightly different style, but they are dark brown.  So what's the point of this story?  I forgot to change into my work shoes before I left the house this morning!  A blue, white, & black print shirt, black capris, and brown sandals.  Oops!  TGIF casual Friday.  Or in my case, casual & mismatched Friday!

Have a good weekend!

Just thinking

I'm listening to Christmas music and thinking about snow and winter and how so much of the world goes into hibernation. (Except here.  Here is where all your birds, of both the winged and 2 legged "snow" varieties, come to get away from the cold & snow.)

Except a lot is really going on during that hibernation -there's a lot happening within the sleeping earth to prepare for spring and the tremendous burst of visible growth.

I guess my life is like that right now.  There's a lot of preparation for the next big stage going on in what appears on the surface to be a lull in the action.

It's been a long time since I made such a radical change.  I've forgotten what it's like.

Overall, having got a large chunk of the hard work behind me, I am feeling more positive.

Moving On

Things I've done/decisions I've made:

The past few weeks, every time I made soup in the crockpot I froze some in disposable containers.  I now have a well stocked freezer full of nutritious soups to eat for meals.  I've also decided to focus meals around the meat & 2 veg model - easy stuff I can toss onto a cookie sheet and put in the oven for a little bit: fish or pork chops or a piece of chicken with roasted veg and something like a sweet potato or squash on the side.  Did you know you can roast frozen vegetables?  Yup! 

Last night hub had to work late - I had a cup of vegetable/ground turkey soup with a slice of rye bread cheesy toast.  Tonight is lentil soup with a cornbread muffin.  Easy stuff that keeps us from eating out.

There are a lot of up sides to our choices, which is why we made the decision we did.  Right now there is a health-impacting upside: I have a much smaller space to clean since a lot of our stuff is in storage.  This leaves us more time to do things like walk & go places.  The plan for the weekend is Everglades National Park, or Key Largo, or both!  But with minimal shopping and food prep to do and practically no cleaning, I have time!  And both the time and inclination (due to the mild weather) to walk in the afternoons. :-)

So while this wasn't an easy choice, I am trying to embrace the plusses.

Let's just forget that happened

What a weekend.

Picked up the truck Wednesday morning, packed for 2 days.  Yes, we packed a moving truck on Thanksgiving (it was also my mom's birthday).  We grilled out hot dogs.  No overeating at my house.

The guys (hub & boy) took the truck for a test drive and discovered one of the brake calipers was bad, called rental place.  They sent out a wrecker, but he couldn't do anything besides tow it away.

Mom and I left at 8 am Friday, while the guys waited to get a new truck and have the contents moved.  They got on the road at 8 pm.  They drove until 4 am, got about 4 hours of sleep, and arrived Saturday at dinner time.

Sunday am we met friends to unload, spent the day unloading.  The truck had to be turned in by 5 pm.  Hub was about a mile and a half from the return center when a 16 year old kid made an illegal turn in front of him and there was no way he could stop.  The kid was wearing his ipod, but not his seatbelt.  Luckily hub was driving slowly cause he was driving a 26 foot truck pulling a 16 foot trailer.  The kid hit his head on the windshield but was conscious when he went to the hospital.

The next day we got up and got on the road around 8 am - we got back here about 10 pm.

We are just ragged worn out.

Things turned out okay.  The dogs are in NC - we can't have them where we are staying.  They are fine at my mom's - they have a huge yard, but we miss them terribly.

This is temporary and we are saving money, but it is still hard.

Home

The past week has been INSANE - crazy busy, some frustrations and stressors, and definitely NOT a traditional Thanksgiving by any stretch.

However, we all got together and we are all safe.  That is what I am thankful for today.

Happy Thanksgiving!

Just a quick note before I sign off to wish you a happy holiday.  Be safe & enjoy the company of friends & family!

I'll be back with an update early next week.

And no need to worry about this girl overeating - we are grilling out chicken hot dogs for the holiday! :-)

Strangest Thanksgiving ever

When I was stationed overseas, getting home for Thanksgiving wasn't a big priority.  I would generally fly home maybe once a year for a long leave, so I would try to arrange it around christmas or something.  My point is I've spent a lot of Thanksgivings not doing the whole "big meal with family."

However, ever since I got out of the military, we've always had a big meal with family, generally with me cooking most of it.  This year is different since we are going to be here, but driving up to NC the next day.  Also, my mom's birthday is the same day, so by family rule she gets to pick the meal!

Anyway, our plan is to grill out (which my mom loves to do).  Minimizes work and leftovers - important since we are leaving the next day.

I am feeling overwhelmed with everything going on right now. I feel like such a wuss, I hate it.

But I'm still here!

Take care.

Hello

Good morning.

My mouth is on the med, although I now have a bunch of fever blisters (always happens when I have a bunch of dental work - ugh).  Gross, but at least the inside is improving!

Anyway, just working and that's about it.  I have dinner in the crock pot (again) - tonight is lima bean soup.  That's about all I'm good for this week.

Be well.

Good morning

Good morning!

Sorry for not posting - it's been a crazy few days!

Let's see:  Thursday our son's friend and pregnant girlfriend moved in.  Friday our friends arrived from California.  Friday afternoon I took them to Everglads Nat'l Park, where we saw lots of birds, turtles, fish, and a half dozen alligators.  My friend Eilis has never been to Florida except Orlando, so she was very excited.  And Mike (her boyfriend) grew up here, so it was a great chance for him to show her where he grew up.

After work we met my husband and the 4 of us headed down to the Keys.  Even though we were only there for Friday night and Saturday, we had a great time!  Saturday night saw us eating dinner at the diner here in town.  Eilis asked if she could do a load of laundry.  Of course I said yes, but apparently the dryer went to its great reward sometime while we were out of town.  UGH!

Hub had to work Sunday, and I frantically tried to get shopping and housework done in prep for my oral surgery Monday.  No rest for the wicked.

I had my surgery - the temporary crowns didn't fit, I was in the dental chair for over 6 hours, and ended up having an allergic reaction to medication.  It seems to be not to any one medicine as much as the sheer volume in my system - i had somethng like 14 shots of Novicane over the course of nearly 7 hours, plus penicillin, plus vicodin. 

I worked at home a half day yesterday and I need to work at home today - the temporary piece she crafted is rubbing the inside of my lip raw so I have to get it adjusted.

Hub had a chance to work this weekend and even though we need the $$, at this point we need the time more.  We are nowhere near packed up and I am getting really strresed about that.  Thank goodness my mom and son are arriving Saturday night to help.  My mom can supervise once I tell her what I want done since I have to go into the office next week Monday-Wednesday.

As far as the 2 kids we have with us, I dunno exactly what is going to happen.  The girl's family is Catholic and won't let her come home unless she cuts off all contact with the boy (she's 21).  The boy is 17 and has no family that will take him in.  They want to go to NC, and I think his grandparents are going to give them some money, but what then?  My son lives on a fixer upper houseboat with 1 bathroom!  How long can that last?

I don't know.  We are doing what we can to be supportive - god knows this kid hasn't gotten many breaks in life.  His whole family are varying shades of crazy and he can't count on any of them.  Since the 9 year old hasn't been in school someone (probably at the school) has called child protective services.  But since they are basically squatting in a foreclosed house, I doubt the school even has an up to date address.  Since they keep spending rent money on drugs, they keep moving around.  Lord, how depressing for those poor kids.

Anyway, given that we are renting out our house NEXT WEEK, there is only so much we can do.  It's going to be a long couple of weeks.....

Take care and I will try to do the same!  Vegetable soup for dinner - its in the crockpot.  I'm eating pretty good! :-)

Welcome to our crazy

So, I think I mentioned our son's friend N last year.  They met in school shortly after we moved here.  N had just moved from Sarasota, so they were both new and became friends.  We had N's parents over to dinner and our feeling was "she's nice enough - he's 'crack smoking sheba monkey' level crazy."  As in, totally nutso.

To sum up: dad was on drugs, they used to kick N out on a regular basis, and the child would come over to our house (occasionally banged up, no shoes, etc.).  He has a sister who is now 9.  Last year they kicked him out a few days before Christmas, then called the police claiming he'd run away.  Nothing says the holidays like having cops show up at your house, right?

Since then, they've had him locked up for psychiatric eval twice and a boatload of other crazy stuff.  N has called child protective services, as have the police and a teacher.  Both parents are now on drugs (they've moved on from pot to cocaine)  and yet both children are still there.

Last night N showed up at our house.  He's been living with his parents for a month or so (he drifts between family members, all of whom are nuts).  He left because his parents woke him up at 3 am, wanting him to go buy them more cocaine.  The little girl didn't go to school because no one woke her up and helped her get ready - the parents were asleep from being up all night doing drugs.

It's just crazy and sad.  They've been kicked out/left in the middle of the night owing money on multiple apartments.  I don't think the dad is bothering to work any more and it sounds like the mom is heading the same way.  And yet no grandparent (both sets live here) will step up and take her - they just leave her in the hell.  So how can I be angry at the state for failing her when her own family is doing no better?

N is 17 - his mom withdrew him from school and in Florida kids have no rights so he can't enroll himself or even try to get his GED until he's 18.  So he's just drifting until he turns 18 in February.  He's old enough that we've been able to help him somewhat - the parents can't very well accuse us of kidnapping a 17 year old.

The dad tried calling the police last night, but by now they all know the deal with the parents so they pretty much laughed.  N's plan is to get his car fixed (our son is going to fix it for him) and then go to Sarasota to live with an aunt.

So, I guess he and his girlfriend (who is from Sarasota and is going back home when the car is fixed) will be at our place for the next week or so.

You know, my life sometimes feels stressful or crazy or uncertain.  But there are a few things I know: I am a decent person and I try to do the right things.  My mom, son, husband, and friends are the same way.  If my 9 year old grandchild were in imminent danger, I wouldn't move to Guatemala to avoid dealing with her parents. (Yes, that's what the mom's parents are doing.  And the dad's parents are moving to Puerto Rico.)  Like I said, crazy on both sides.

I may not have a lot of money or stuff, but I will always share what I do have with others in need.

Have a good weekend.

Love Hate Relationship

I am havig a love hate relationship with my new schedule.

Pros:

Dude, I am getting so much done around the house in the morning!

Being able to fix (and eat) a leisurely brekfast, as opposed to packing it in my lunch box and eating it at my desk.

Taking a nice morning walk around the neighborhood in the daylight.

Cons:

I get home from work so late and then have to get a meal on the table.  I literally walk in the door and barely have time to change before I am cooking.

I feel like I don't have much of an evening.

My energy is gone by the time I get home which makes cooking dinner hard.  Last night I cracked and we had take-out.


Once we are past this packing up, I think I will try option c: something in between.  I have been getting up at the same time: 5:30.  I used to leave for work by 6:30, now I am leaving at 8:30.  I think I might try the middle ground of leaving the house at 7:30.  That would give me time to walk and eat breakfast and do a chore or two if needed, but I would have a half hour or so after I got home to relax before I needed to fix supper.  We'll see.

My oral surgery has been re-scheduled to next Monday.  I would have preferred NOT to have it on  Monday - if I have stitches I am going to be one sore, unhappy puppy.  Ugh.  Oh well, when 2 doctors have to coordinate their schedules it can be tough. 

Not much else is new.  I have been good about doing my morning walk outside and I really think it is helping with my stress levels.  And honestly, just knowing that things are nearly done and are changing is helping I think.  Also, my mom and son are coming down 3 days earlier, which means more help with the final push to get things packed up.  So that'll be a huge help!

Have a good day!

Moving along

I had to go to the oral surgeon's office yesterday, so I worked at home and was busy and forgot to post.

Things are okay - I've walked the past 2 mornings (outside) which is a really pleasant way to start the day.  The weather is just really terrific right now - it was breezy and 70 when I walked this morning.  Awesome!

I keep writing myself notes to remind myself about things we need to do - I think I have about 50 random lists floating around!  Even though I am living in chaos, I am starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel and am feeling calmer about stuff, so that's good.

I hope you are doing well!

My sentiments, exactly!

Changing my strategy

I had a run of several difficult days last week.  I was just very down, my energy was low, and I felt overwhelmed by the things I needed to do.  As a result, I didn't get very much done, and the further I fell behind, the more overwhelmed I felt.  One night I even did a proverbial tap out and asked my husband to get take-out.

Saturday I got my grocery shopping done, but that was about it.  Saturday night I realized I was in real trouble - the reality is we are packing and there is a firm deadline and stuff has to get down or I will have a real problem. 

So Saturday night I decided I needed a different strategy.  All those days, I not only felt my feelings but I allowed them to determine my actions (or lack thereof).  I have feelings, but I am not only my feelings, and I can decide how much they will control my actions.  And my feelings needed to have no control over my actions.

I'm not sure if that makes sense.  I decided it was okay to feel down or whatever, but I needed to take care of the things I needed to get done as a way of taking care of myself.

Yesterday we got up, walked the dogs, walked ourselves, and then I made breakfast and cleaned the kitchen.  Then I spent 4 hours doing food prep and cleaning up after myself.  Then I took a nice long break (after roughly 6 hours on my feet I needed a break).  Then I spent 2 hours sorting and packing my CDs.

I realized I also needed a different strategy for the week as well.  I normally come in to work early and leave early, but the reality was that I wasn't getting anything done in the afternoon.  So, effective this morning I "swapped" my schedule.  I got up at 6 but then spent 1.5 hours cleaning the house (I did the dishes, organized packing materials, and gave the master bath a thorough cleaning).  Then I took a shower, ate breakfast, packed my lunch, and came in to work. 

We did not get the movies down like we wanted to.  We both worked very hard yesterday and were pretty pooped last night.  We agreed we would do half tonight and half tomorrow.  That gets us back on schedule.

I won't lie - my husband thinks the garage is "ready" and he is deluded.  There are also several items that I have realized still needed to be done I'd either forgotten about or hadn't considered.  But I think my strategy of spending 1.5-2 hours in the morning prior to work for the next 2 weeks will get the inside of the house where it needs to be.

As far as the garage, I plan to accept that it is out of my control and make myself scarce. :-)

Hope you had a good weeked.

I did a LOT of food prep done this weekend so my breakfasts (turkey meatloaf), lunches (salad and homemade falafel) are done and a lot of pre work has been done for suppers since I'll be getting home 2 hours later than normal.

This is not my preferred schedule, but its only for 2 weeks.

Everybody's workin' for the weekend

Have I used that as a title before?  Probably - I do have an unnatural affection for 80's rock, still.

Looks like hub is working tomorrow, which is good on the money front, bad on the time front.  I haven't figured out how to feel about which is more important at this point, so whatever.

For the third week in a row, his paycheck was messed up.  Between that & a couple of other things, I was in a crummy mood when I headed home for the day.  Ugh.

Anyway, my list just keeps getting longer and I don't know whether to laugh or cry about it, you know?  So I vote neither - just move on.

I got up this morning and did a couple of things around the house which helped get the day off to a productive start, which is nice.  Positive attitude counts for a lot!

Anyway, no real substance to this.  Hope you have a nice weekend!

Random thought about sleep

Thought brought to you by a Febreeze commerical.  I'll explain:

I was watching tv yesterday and saw a commerical for a new line of Febreeze products called "sleep serrenity" (or something like that).  It's sprays, diffusers, misters, whatever that come in scents that are supposed to promote sleep.  The one they mentioned first was a lavendar one.

Now, I know that lavendar is supposed to help promote sleep and I use it myself.  My beef with this Febreeze stuff is 2-fold:

1. I don't think its probably a good idea to be whiffing a bunch of chemicals all night long.  I'm pretty careful about the cleaning products I use because I just don't believe all those chemicals can possibly be good for us.  I'd rather open my windows (weather permitting) and get fresh (fresh-ish anyway) air.
2. I do think lavendar helps to promote sleep.  That's why one of my night time rituals is to mist our pillows with diluted lavendar essential oil.  I bought a bottle of organic essential oil at Whole Foods a couple of years ago and I've finally about used it up.  I have a small spray bottle that I fill with water and add 10 or so drops of oil, then spray it on the pillows.  I suspect that bottle cost less than buying 2 of the febreeze products and has lasted a LOT longer.

Bleh

Do you make yourself  "to do" lists?  I do, all the time - both at work and at home.  It helps keep me focused, feeling accomplished, and keeps me from forgetting stuff!  The other day I was on the phone with my mom on the way in to work and remembered something that we needed to get done out in the garage.  By the time I got to my office, I had forgotten.  Halfway through my morning workout I remembered I had wanted to remember something, but had forgotten what it was.  I finally remembered 10 hours later, making myself mental in those 10 hours struggling to remember!  (Please say I'm not the only one.)

Yesterday I had a list of something like 8 or 9 non work related items.  Because hub almost always has a longer coomute than me, the things he could do (stop by Publix for 2 things) I usually do, and then the list contains some things (fix supper) that are always on my list.  Still, that was a lot for a workday!  And I got all but 2 of them done, so that was pretty good!  The only down side was that one of the items I didn't get done was a biggie: sorting music.  It HAS to be done before the weekend - meaning this evening or tomorrow evening.  This weekend already has like 6 items on the list, not including the usual shop, food prep, etc. type items.  And one of them is another biggie; sorting through movies (we have a ton of movies).  And that one needs to be done with hub since we keep our music separate, but movies are joint.  I am going insanse.

I did walk outside yesterday, which was very nice, but it still felt like a mentally "off" day.  I'm not sure why.  Last night it seemed like my sleep wasn't very deep and I had weird dreams (I remember 2 of them: one was that the chihuahua ate a bunch of carpet and threw up everywhere (???) and the second was that I started a business making hats (???)).  Dreams are weird.

Did I mention that some dear friends from California are going to be in Florida soon?  Michael has family here which he wants to visit (main reason for trip), but we are all making a run down to Key West together next weekend!  Which crunches our already tight timeline, but friends and mental health have to take priority over schedules.  This is something I know to be true but still have to remind myself of, because it goes against my nature.  I don't want my tombstone to say something like "Never saw the Grand Canyon, but you could eat off her kitchen floor."  Yeah, that would be me if I didn't work hard at reminding myself what's really important.  June Cleaver incarnate. :-)

Halfway through the week

Heh heh heh.  I didn't even pull up as I am working from home today. :-)

I read a quote yesterday and I thought it perfectly captured how I've been feeling lately: "It’s easier to mourn what’s gone than be grateful for what’s left. But what’s left is all we’ve got."

I don't know whether I've just been "down" or "depressed" - for that matter, I don't know what the difference would be.  Or if its just anxiety.  But I know I've been anxious, frustrated, nervous, sad, etc.  And I haven't been the easiest person to be around.

Hub worked the weekend and had Monday & Tuesday off.  I left him a pretty long "to do" list Monday, but he got most of it done.  Yesterday I asked him to clear off his book shelf (because I will need to use it) and reboot the dishes.  I don't know what all he did yesterday, but when I got home those 2 things were not done.

I was pissed and it showed.  And I was already stressing about money because, well, because.  Anyway, after a quick stop at the house to drop off stuff & change, I had to run to the dr's office.  When I got there the receptionist offered me a bottle of cold water and 2 motrin.  Yeah, I looked that good.

I realized that I have been very "me" centered in this move, which is basically what my husband was guilty of during the first move, and it sucked.  Yeah, I was mad that he hadn't done the things I needed him to do, but I was also frustrated about things that neither of us can control.

Anyway, the kindness of the water and motrin soothed my soul, and I got home in a better mood.  Today I made a pumpkin pie using fresh pumpkin that I baked last weekend and I am making a nice dinner: zucchini noodles with homemade meatballs (also made last weekend) and sauce and a salad.  I also bought him a sweet card.

Sometimes I forget that we are different people - different strentghs and weaknesses, we process things differently, and we aren't always on the same wavelength.  But that doesn't mean he doesn't work hard or love me or have feelings.  I hope the pie & card & nice dinner will let him know that I do recognize the things he does - the biggest of which is let 95% of my moodiness roll straight off his back. :-)

A thought or two about fitness and weight loss (for a change!)

Do you read this web site? http://blackgirlsguidetoweightloss.com/  If you don't, I would highly recommend it.  The lady who has the site is a free lance wrtier and personal trainer who has maintained a loss of around 170 pounds.  Her articles are always well researched and well written.

Anyway, yesterday she had an article about the mental aspects of what its like to lose a lot of weight and what that does to your sense of identity.
http://blackgirlsguidetoweightloss.com/blog/losing-weight-and-losing-identity/

It's a very common theme and I've read a lot of posts & articles on the topic.  Hers was very well written and I enjoyed it a lot, but it got me thinking about something I've noticed: these articles are mainly written by women (occasionally men, but generally women) who have been overweight for their entire lives.

Once I thought about it, I realized that most of the blogs I read are written by women who have been overweight for all (or most) of their lives.

Which begs the question: Is it just that I've chosen those particular blogs or are most "weight loss" blogs written by women who have always been overweight?  If so, why?  And what about women who were a healthy weight for most of their life but gained weight later in life and are working to lose it?

Does that second group not feel the need to blog as much?  Do they struggle less with the mental aspects and therefore don't feel like they need the "therapy" of writing about it or the emotional support a blog can provide?

If you've been overweight for less time, does it affect you less?  And how can we really even answer that question?  The two groups are mutually exclusive, so its not like you can have first hand knowledge of how people in both groups feel.

If you've never read my back story: I was a thin child.  Honestly, I was probably one of those who are thin but "overfat" because while my weight was perfectly fine, I rarely exercised until I joined the military.  I didn't have any muscle definition, but not many girls do in their teens do (at least not back then).  Anyway, after that I was in the Army for 8 years and while I wasn't "skinny" (I was generally a size 8), I was a healthy weight and very fit.

Even after I left the Army and had a child I maintained a healthy weight until my mid 30s.  Then I gained weight (30 pounds), lost it, gained it back.  Obviously I felt the need to reach out to others and connect via writing about it, and have continued to write in this blog for several years, both during the loss and as I dieted my way back up the scale!

I've never needed to lose 100 pounds.  I was never teased about my weight as a child (although I was an introverted geeky girl, so I was teased from time to time, just not about my weight).

Does that make my issues with my weight less? Or mean that I don't struggle with identity as I lose weight?  I don't think so, although I will say I think my issues may be somewhat different. 

I'm not trying to say anyone's struggle is more or less than anyone's elses.  I just think it is interesting that I haven't found a lot out there written from the perspective of someone who has been overweight a relatively small percentage of their life.  And that is too bad because I would like to hear from that point of view as well.

Well, enough deep thoughts. On with the day!

Work it like a house elf

(I was an early harry Potter fan.)

Friday I had to run a couple of errands on the way home.  Like 2: Target and the Publix by my house.  OMG.  You would have thought it was black Friday judging by the Target parking lot.  And people were above and beyond jerky, even for here! And a mob scene!  WTF?!?!  By the time I got home all I was good for was couch surfing and a double feature: "Super Troopers" and "Beerfest".  (Sometimes, I have terrible taste in movies.)  I seriously considered take-out, but my husband got home late (7:30) and by then I pulled myself together enough that I made dinner.  Crowds and traffic really freak me out.

Saturday I was feeling a bit off kilter, but got up, made my shopping list, and got my grocery shopping done.  My mom's birthday is on Thanksgiving this week and my MIL's is Dec 2 - I found a nice puzzle set for MIL and a nice bath set of her fav body spray and hand lotion that can be from das boy.  So that was good.

After I got the groceries put away, I decided to sit down a few minutes and watch part of a movie from Netflix. It's one I wanted to see and the hub had no interest in, and since he was working it seemed like a good time.  It's called "The Baader Meinhof Complex ".  I sat and watched the whole thing, riveted.  It's a look at Germany's terrorist group, The Red Army Faction (RAF), which organized bombings, robberies, kidnappings and assassinations from the late 60s through the 80s.

It isn't up everyone's alley I'm sure, but even when I was living in Berlin at the end of the Cold War, the RAF was still around and considered a threat.  So it was interesting to me 1) to see how the group started and 2) watching the movie reminded me what it was like to live in a place where political activism (sometimes violent) was commonplace.

Anyway, Saturday wasn't the most productive day, but I got a bit of cleaning up, laundry, and the shopping done.

Sunday I woke up feeling really good and had a super productive day.  I did NOT get my CDs organized (I have a lot, and I really need to sort through them).  But I finished cleaning, food prep, laundry, and the last box of books is packed!  Huzzah!  I will work on CDs in the evenings this week. I know a lot of people now just store their music on their computer or in the Cloud or whatever.  But I like to have physical copies of my favorite CDs, that I can listen to when I want.  OTOH, there are some I never listen to that can get donated.

I also got in the pool yesterday, but I think it is gettign too chilly to do more than dangle my feet in the side!

Hope you had a good weekend!

Random Friday Cute

Courtesy of Cheezburger.  Have a nice weekend!

TGIF (The usual Friday title)

Dear Diary,

You won't believe what I did last night.  I cooked dinner!  And it was healthy and everything!!!  Who am I??  Hee hee.

Love,
Me

That's kinda how I feel about it, but yeah, I got a healthy supper on the table.  I'm a big fan of one pot meals (especially the crock pot!), but a close second is a "one baking sheet meal."

Last night I halved & cleaned a sweet dumpling squash (think I prefer acorn and butternut, but still good) and popped it in the microwave for 5 minutes.  While that was cooking I cut up some brussel sprouts and wrapped a piece of salmon and spices in foil.  I put everything on a baking sheet, popped it in the oven for 25 minutes, and served it up.  It felt so nice to eat a simple, healthy meal.

We did make some air popped popcorn later for scary movie watching, but it was a very quiet evening.  I got up early again this morning, rebooted the dishwasher, made hub's salad for lunch, packed my lunch & breakfast, AND packed up a couple more boxes of books!  I think I have one more box of books to do and I am done! (We are using liquor store boxes so they won't be too big & heavy.)

This weekend I am sorting through music, which should be A LOT easier.  I have a bunch I am donating, but I still probably have too many books.  Everything from children's books which belonged to my parents to paperbacks I picked up in college and have read at least a dozen times over the years.  I will probably cull through them again (it's a never ending process) but my donate pile is most impressive!

I went to the fitness center yesterday, but didn't get outside for a walk.  (I think it will be easier after time change, and after I have caught up on my house chores.)  Still and all, yesterday was a  pretty good day.

I talked to my boss about my oral surgery schedule and have permission to work from home a few days over the holidays.  With the vacation days, that means I'll be able to spend two weeks with my family!  Yes, I will have to work some days, but still - awesome!

Nice way to start the weekend! :-)

Change in Strategy

Yesterday was a bad day.

I had a message when I got in to work from the dentist office wanting to change an appointment.  When I called, the office lady (Ellen, who is very nice and I consider a friend) just said the Dr. N (dentist) had met with Dr. K (oral surgeon) about my case and wanted to move an appointment.  I asked some questions that I asked last time and didn't get answered (do I *HAVE* to have temps, how long would I wear them for, what would they cost).  Ellen didn't know.  I got upset and told her how frustrated I am that I ask questions and feel that I don't get answers. 

Anyway, Dr. N called me back and said "I thought we cleared all this up last time you were here."  Uh, no.  Anyway, yes, I have to have temps and they will cost $1000.  I cried.  If you had told me at the start that I would have to pony up $17,000 over the course of 18 months, there is no way I would have done this now.  But its too late since I have no upper front teeth.

Anyway, I cried on the phone with the dentist and told her how frustrated I felt that these unexpected charges keep popping up and that I feel like things aren't being explained clearly.  I like her very much and she feels like she's explaining stuff, but I think there are things she assumes that I just don't know.

(I probably owe Ellen some flowers - she is always the recepient of my dental angst.)

I got home from work and just cried.  I had tamales and beer for dinner.  Hub had leftovers.  I got nothing accomplished.

This morning I woke up at 5.  Since I was awake (and feeling pretty decent for someone who had garbage for dinner), I decided to get up and get some stuff done.

Before I came in to work I:

• Made coffee and a pitcher of iced tea
• Checked to make sure we have enough breakfast and lunch fixings since hub is working Fri, Sat, and Sun
• Made boiled eggs to go in his lunch
• Packed my lunch
• Made him a To Do list since he is home today
• Sorted through a huge stack of mail
• Packed up several boxes of books
• Made and ate a very yummy breakfast (a greek omelet and a side salad left over from Tues dinner) 

If I can't get stuff done in the afternoon, maybe I can get caught up by doing some stuff in the morning!

I didn't walk this morning - I will use the fitness center at work today and hopefully we can take the pups for a walk this evening.  We also need to run to the dreaded Wally World to get a couple of things (plastic tubs to pack clothes and linens in and I want to look for a good flashlift for my mom.  That's what she asked for for her birthday).

I have salmon thawing, a squash to bake, and some brussel sprouts that need to be used up.  So I WILL make a healthy dinner tonight!!!

Deep thoughts, well, thoughts anyway

I read a great post this morning over at http://www.thegreatfitnessexperiment.com/.  This was part of it:

"I am grateful for what I have. I am also sad for what I’ve lost. Both feelings can live in me at the same time."

It's a whole post about the stress she is going through and a lot of it revolves around their family's move.  I could totally relate to what she was writing and it felt good to know that I'm not alone.  As she points out, moving is considered the third most stressful life event. 

I am (mostly) dealing with my stress - some ways are positive and others not so much.  I'm trying to work on forgiving myself when I make less than stellar choices and just moving on because beating myself up over a half a liverwurst sandwich on white bread isn't working.

Maybe I need to focus on the positive things I do - like exercising, packing my breakfast and lunch, cooking a healthy dinner, etc.

When you are down in the thick of it perspective can seem pretty elusive.  Another thing Charlotte wrote really resonated with me:

"But this thing that makes life so hard – the fact that it’s always changing – is the thing that will ultimately be my salvation. I know that I will not always be where I am now. No matter how hard it all feels right now, it will change. It will get better. It will get easier. I will not be a mess forever!"

True. :-)

More misc.

It's fall somewhere, right? :-)

Well, anxiety attack held at bay until last night, when I took half of one of the anxiety pills my mom left.  Sigh.

I guess it isn't surprising that I am having anxiety attacks.  We are moving in less than a month and renting out our house.  My husband will be staying with my mom in NC and looking for a job up there while I stay here (by myself) until my oral surgery is finished and we decide it's time to move on - either with a virtual job at my company, with a job elsewhere, or with no job. 

That's a huge amount of uncertainty. 

Hub worked a temp job for 3 weeks but it (unexpectedly) ended yesterday.  I think that is what pushed me over the edge.  That's the most work he's had since June so money is tight.  Part of the timing of my going back will also be determined by our financial situation, so right now it looks like I'll be living in south Florida without my husband and dogs until the 12th of eternity. Okay, that's an exaggeration, but sometimes it feels that way.

I remind myself I've done difficult things before and that we will be okay, but some days it is easier to believe that than others.

I did get out and take a walk Saturday, Sunday, and this morning.  I didn't make it yesterday, but that's a pretty good success rate.

Have a good one!

Misc.

It's beginning to feel a little cooler - it was 68 when we took a walk this morning, and we have the windows open. Hurray for open windows!

Hub is power washing the roof - one of the final things we want to do to the house before we rent it out.

I did some more packing this week and sorted through my sewing stuff.  I decided I wanted to keep some sewing stuff with me so I could work on some small projects, but the bulk of it is going into storage.

This felt like a difficult week, although not so bad that I felt the need to take half an anxiety pill.  Work is just .. ugh.  Frustrating.  It seemed to take most of my energy just to get meals on and dishes washed.  There wasn't much left over after that, you know?

I have decided that I need to get up and take a walk every morning (even a short one) just to help my stress levels.  Exercising at the fitness center at work is great, but getting outside does seem to be helping a bit.

Have you been reading about the scare around the dog jerky treats?  To me the really scary part is that the FDA can't figure out what is making the dogs sick (or killing them).  And they are testing these treats.  The reality is that of the food we import, only a tiny fraction gets inspected at all.  If they test something and can't identify the substance that they know is deadly to pets, how can we be sure human food is safe?  The FDA is proposing testing and labelling and already the animal food industry is complaining.

I know this is going to sound like I'm some sort of conspiracy theorist, but honestly, trusting the government to ensure the safety of food is a little scary to me.  I stopped buying pet food from overseas years ago.  I try to never buy people food from China, Vietnam, etc. either - although with the way food is labelled, it can sometimes be hard to identify country of origin. 

Another reason we are looking forward to buying something with enough land we can have a large garden, fruit trees, chickens, etc.

I did the grocery shopping this morning. My goal for the afternoon is to sort through 2 bookcases.

Have a good weekend!

p.s.

I got in the pool when I got home from work yesterday.  It was very nice.  I will miss my pool very much when we move!!

A brief check-in

I haven't been on the computer much lately.  I am on the computer all day at work, so when I get home I just haven't been much interested.  I check my personal email every 3-4 days and that's about it.  hence my lack of posting here.

We spent the weekend oorganizing, prioritizing, re-arranging.  It was stressful.  I am finding the whole experience more emotional than I expected.  Like once you make a decisions, boom, that's the end - done and move on.  But it isn't that way, at least not for me.  You make a decision, but your brain continues to process feelings as you move through acting on that decision.

Does that make any sense?

Anyway, it's left me pretty jumbled.  So there ya go.  But you keep moving on, jumbled or not!

Rainbows and unicorns, currently unavailable

Sometime between leaving work and suppertime, I became very moody - restless, cranky, stomachache.  I have no idea why.  I ate dinner but thought it was yucko (it was eggplant parm and roasted broccoli, which normally I like). 

While watching tv, I was restless and told my husband I wanted something to eat.  He asked what and I replied "rainbows and unicorns!"  Which was my way of saying I wanted something yummy to fix my feelings. 

Thankfully we had neither rainbows nor unicrons in the fridge.  I did drink a beer and then went to bed.

I still don't know why I felt the way I did.  Hopefully tonight is better because overall I have been feeling much better.

Happy Friday!

blah de blah blah

So, some good things:

Hub is working.  He worked most of last week, all of this week, and this job looks like it will last another 1-2 weeks.  It seems like the temp work is picking up a bit, and I hope it stays that way a while!  Yay money!

On the way home yesterday, my husband stopped by the liquor store and got 38 boxes.  (Yes, this is considered excitement in my life!)  We are organizing some things this weekend with an eye to start going through our books, so having the boxes to pack them up in will be excellent. 

Hub isn't too bad, but I really need to cull through my books, again.  What can I say?  I love printed books and the library here has a small "friends of the library" shop that sells books - $1 for hardbacks and $0.25 for paperbacks.  For those prices its easy to take a chance on something you may not like!  And when I am done I generally donate them back, but it's time to review my collection.  Some are 'reference' type things around crafts or sewing that I want to keep, some are cookbooks, but I also have a lot of fiction and non-fiction.  However, I am also a person that re-reads books.  I just need to decide what is worth keeping to re-read and what can go.

It's been a long week.  I'm worried about not only my stepdad, but how our son is going to deal with it.  I know he (my stepdad) has a positive attitude and is getting the best possible care.  I am hoping that either the new medicine or another round of treatment will buy him more time. 

I'm doing better.  Yesterday I walked 3 miles (with hand weights) and there was no after dinner snacking.  It was like I was almost myself again!

I read a really good profile of a blogger I read regularly: http://www.livingasimplelife.com/jumping-off-the-treadmill/  I found it very encouraging message - "don't wait until things are perfect to follow your dreams".  That's very true.  Life is never perfect and we can't wait until the conditions are just right.  That's true for ANYTHING in life - not just weight loss or fitness.

Now, to apply that message to my own life!!!

Flow like water, bend like leaf

I think one of the plus sides of getting older is perspective.

It's no secret that the past month I've been extremely stressed.  I gained 3.4 pounds (not a huge deal), and some of my healthy eating & exercise habits faltered.  I am getting back on track.

I guess the thing is that when you are 47 and you choose to bury your nose in a book, you know things are very stressful, but it is also easier to recognize that you will move beyond them, that those things won't last forever.

Over this past weekend I really felt like I had turned a corner and was reclaiming my balance, and then this thing with my stepdad happened. 

Mostly I feel terrible for my son.  As it was with me, his grandparents are almost like a second set of parents to him.  I felt that way about my mom's parents as well.  For him, losing his grandpa will seem more like losing a father.  They are so close, and he is so young.

I'm not saying that's it.  There is a new drug the doctors are going to try.  He is at Duke, getting some of the best treatment available in the world.  But the reality is he has an incurable form of aggressive cancer.  There is no "you are cancer free" at the end with non-Hodgkins lymphoma.  We were hoping for a longer remission period, but that doesn't mean that we are out of options.  And my stepdad is very positive and upbeat and is going to do his best to live as long and full life as possible.

I just wish I were closer to be more support. 

Yesterday was tough, but I did go to the gym.  I didn't do much, but I went.  Sometimes all you can do is continue.

My stepdad's cancer is back.  We knew it wasn't curable, only treatable, but still, less than a year of remission.  That's all I got today.

Crazy busy, kinda by choice

One thing about adulthood I don't like is how your whole weekend seems to get sucked up doing chores.  Ugh.

This weekend hub was out of town - he drove my mom back to NC.  So that meant I was home alone.

Saturday morning I got up early, packed their lunch and breakfast, and saw the family off.  Then I headed out and did the bulk of the grocery shopping.  Then I spent the rest of the day reading.  I needed that!

Yesterday I had to do everything else: housework, laundry, a few more errands, food prep for the week.  If it sounds like a lot of work it was!  I spent around 10 hours on it.  But I took breaks and at the end of the day I felt tired but more accomplished than I have in weeks.  I needed that too. :-)

Thought of the day

So Happy Its Thursday

I have exercised 4 days in a row. 

Things are feeling better.

I spotted this yesterday and had to share it because isn't that the truth?  Maybe 1 in 100 look like the pic on the left, and how we beat ourselves up when our success looks this the pic on the right instead!

Have a good one!

Slowly, better

This is a picture I took on a trip to the local Butterfly Garden.  Just including it because I thought it was pretty!

I'm doing better.  It's weird to have my house as packed up as it is.  But I've been focusing on little things: I got up and took a walk this morning.  I have several errands I don't want to do, so I wrote them down and am working on them a couple at a time.  That sort of thing.  You know, picking up boxes at the licquor store, cancelling our gym membership, those type things.  I hate doing stuff like that, I have no idea why.  I think in my past life I was a recluse. :-)

But hub is working in the city and isn't getting home until 6 or so, so I need to take care of what I can.  I'm jut so thankful he is working.  It's been pretty grim for temp construction down here, so we both are thankful for that.

Have a good one.

A corollary to my last post

Wipeout

Have you ever been riding your bike (or running, or walking) and you hit a patch of gravel (or water or mud) and next think you know, you are on all fours, dirty, bleeding, and wondering what just happened?  (Please say I'm not the only one this graceful!).

I mean, intellectually, you know exactly what happened, but its taking a few minutes for your brain to catch up with your new muddy reality.

So, my life has been like that the past 3 weeks or so: buffeted by some very unexpected stressors (small, fairly significant, medium-ish) in rapid succession, I'm just now feeling that maybe my mind is beginning to catch up.  For the past 3 weeks nothing has been processed, I've just gone through the motions of day to day living.

But I do remember that I committed to making some efforts at stress reduction.  I don't even remember what they were.  Good thing I blog: I'll have to go back and look. :-)  In any case, you can imagine how successful they've been.

This morning I went downstairs and did a cardio video, then popped in a yoga video (I've done my stretching video a couple of times, but this was my first attmept at yoga in 3 or so weeks).  I made it 5 minutes.  Seriously, I was unable to be that mentally quiet more than 5 minutes.  I turned off the tape and went on with my day.

It's not that all my good habits have been abandoned - they haven't.  But bad ones have crept back in.  And mainly its just been rough - remember me writing about the fact that my resilience is broken?  So when stuff happens it isn't pretty.

Last time I took a pretty good spill on  my bike I was a couple miles out on a trail that goes several miles straight into the Everglades.  After I stood up and was scared and bleeding, I didn't have any real choice except to get back on the bike and ride it back to the car.  Life is like that sometimes, whether you are prepared or not, cooping well or poorly, time marches on.  And you have to go on.

I'm beginning to think again of changes I'd like to make to reduce my stress.  Maybe this time I will get a chance to work on them. :-)

Random

Last night I went outside with the dogs and it was raining a bit.  There was the biggest dragon fly I have ever seen relaxing on our pool fence.  His body was over 6 inches, with a wing span of 8 or so!  He was still there this morning but one of the dogs startled him and he flew away.  He was like something out of "Jurassic Park".

My favorite work shoes have died (the heel literally split).  They are 3 years old and I wear them several times a week, so its not like I didn't get my money's worth!  I bought them back in NC - I have been unable to find work shoes here.  Women's shoes seem to fall into 1 of 2 categories: boots or scary high heels.  Since I can't walk in crazy high heels and boots with capris does not align with my conservative sense of style, I am doomed to be barefoot.  I have one other pair of black, open toed, not too high shoes left from NC.  They are more casual, but I will have to make do.  I went looking again last weekend.  Nothing. Sigh.  Kohl's, you've let me down!

Risk taker?

First of all, thank you Plum Petals for your kind comments!

I am not a risk taker.  Both my parents worked at a job for 30+ years and now collect a pension.  Those days are mostly over.  I don't care to argue whether that's a good or bad thing, that's just what it is.  Both by personality and watching my family, I'm not one to go out on a crazy, high risk adventure.

I admire people that can do it, it's not just me.  Right now I am trying to walk a line of making choices that offer a range of outcomes.  I don't know what my life will look like in 6 months, and that's both scary and exciting.  I am trying to find my way into trying new things while doing the responsible thing for myself and my family, you know?

For me, part of what makes it tough is the fact that I have a child who still depends on me for health insurance.  That keeps at least one of us tied in to a certain style of work.

Things have been crazy stressful lately, and this weekend was no exception.  I realized this morning (as I bought a muffin to go with the healthy breakfast I brought from home) that I've been using food to cope with stress.  Again.  Sigh.

I cut the muffin in half and threw the second half away.  On my lunch break I will be using the fitness center for a cardio video and some yoga.

I know the healthy things to do, and do many of them.  But it's easy to let old habits creep back in when we are on auto-pilot.

My goal for this week isn't to be perfect, just to be mindful.

Happy Monday!

Why I no longer watch HGTV

In the early days, I really loved HGTV.  They had some great design shows as well as shows either on crafts, or as part of design shows things you could make for your home.  I felt like they gave really good ideas.

My MIL watches HGTV pretty much all day.  I'd fallen out of the habit (try watching "House Hunters" while really looking for a house.  Guaranteed to make you physically ill.) 

From what I saw, the shows these days seem to fall into 2 camps: couple whining about how the HAVE to get $800,000 for their house (even though the realtor told them to list it at $500,000) in order to get what they WANT.  Or people gleefully taking sledge hammers to perfectly good, yet dated bathrooms. 

I get that a 1950s pink bath isn't everyone's taste.  But if it isn't yours, for God's sake at least have the decency to remove the fixtures and donate them to ReStore.  That donation helps the working poor gets homes, and crazy people that LIKE pink bathrooms get the pink toilet of their dreams. 

I guess my question is this, when did the shows, and the people on them, get so mean?  Heck, when did our society get so mean? 

ps. I'm a crazy person who would love a vintage pink bathroom!

Facing future, with hope and trepidation

This has been a post a long time rolling around in my brain, but very tough to write about for two reasons:

1. It's about the loss of dreams, and failure, and what does failure say about who we are as people.  But it is also about finding new dreams in the ashes of the old.
2. It's been a struggle for me to balance what I want to share and what I don't want to.  I am not one to post something and pull it down - I don't even put it into draft if I'm not sure.

  When my husband and I met, he was living in Maryland and I was in NC.  I had finished grad school, had an established career at a Fortune 50 company, and owned a home.  Hub was renting a duplex with a friend and working in construction.  His situation made it easier for him to move, so he packed up, quit his job, and moved down to be with me.

For all of our marriage, I have been not only the primary bread winner, but my job was also the one that provided our family with benefits.  Construction can be tough, and there have been times when hub's work situation meant he job hopped or did temp work.  But the fact that I had a good paying job with benefits also meant he had the luxury of following his dream of having his own business.  As it turns out, he realized that he didn't really enjoy being a small business owner and went back to traditional employment, but he had the opportunity. 

So when my company closed our office in NC, it made sense that we would relocate so I could keep my job.  It was when the economy was near its worst and central NC didn't offer a lot of job opportunity.  It seemed the safer course to move, and so we did.

To say it has been a disaster on many levels is a pretty big understatement.  We don't like this area (our son hated it and left to finish high school in NC with his grandmother).  My husband has been unable to find work and has been doing temp work, which takes a pretty big mental toll on him.  The cost of living is much higher and with my husband's income being all over the page, it has been a huge stress and created a lot of financial strain.

I work for a great company and have a really good boss and co-workers.  But when your family isn't making it financially, when do you say enough?  What do you do if the job you are contenplating giving up is the source of your family's benefits.  (NC refused the federal funding for health care.  Private insurance in NC would cost our family roughly $10,000 a year, which we obviously could not possibly afford).

What if you realize that you would like the opportunity to pursue your dream?  Even if it means giving up "the American dream" and moving in with family while you re-establish?

There are work dreams I'd like to pursue - as a couple we would like to purchase some land on which to have a small homestead.  If we do that have I failed at my corporate career?

It's been very hard, but we have decided to sell our home and rent something down here for a while (I don't know what a while is).  The couple that want to buy our house are renting month to month in the neighborhood, but the property they are renting is being foreclosed on.  So if we didn't sell to them pretty soon, they would likely have to get something else and we could potentially lose our buyers. 

We live in south Florida, where the market is still pretty bad.  We never even put our house on the market.  This couple knows us from the neighborhood, heard we were thinking about selling, and asked to come look at our house.  Given that is our primary source of debt (thankfully we are very careful about debt!), selling this house and breaking even/making a small profit when we bought it less than 3 years ago would be a big burden lifted.  It was give us flexibility and time to plan our next move.

While my mom has been down here, we have been busy packing up the breakables - the china, dishes we don't need, etc.  Mainly the fragile stuff.  We've rented a moving truck etc.  We have a place to rent that is month to month.  We are moving out of our home at the end of November.

Its isn't the final destination - its the first step on a new path - we're not quite sure where it even leads!  Do I keep my job and just rent?  For how long?  I've been looking for a virtual position but there aren't many and the company is downsizing, so its been slim pickings.  

There are a lot of questions.  Giving up our home when I've been a home owner for over 15 years feels a little like failure.  But I keep reminding myself that I need to follow my dream - not society's, or anyone elses!  And if this can make it easier for me (and my husband!) to do that, then its right for us, even if its hard. 

Melatonin is my friend

I'm back to not sleeping well.  The past couple of weeks I've been back in the pattern I was in a few years ago when 3-4 nights a week I would wake up in the middle of the night and be awake for 2-3 hours.  It sucks.

Luckily, my mom reminded me that I have a bottle of melatonin, which I've used in the past with some success.  Friday night I took half a pill, and felt like a zombie Saturday morning.  So Saturday night I took a quarter of a pill, and Sunday morning I woke up a bit tired, but felt good.  We went to the beach, I got my chores done around the house (most of them anyway!), and I felt much more rested.

Then for some reason I decided not to take one Sunday night.  Dumb.  I woke up at 2, was awake until 4:30, and then dozed for 15-20 minutes at a time until I got up just before 6.  I threw my dirty hair into a ponytail, hald packed lunch and breakfast, came to work, and bought a diet pepsi.

Last night I cut 2 pills into quarters and took one.  Ah, sleep.

I haven't checked my personal email in over a week.  I've been so wiped by the time I get home, I haven't even bothered with the computer.  I have a long post I've been rolling around in my head and know I want to get it down in the next couple of days.

I'm doing better.  Thanks for reading, and commenting.  I appreciate it very much!

Yesterday, I went to the beach

Briefly

We had a really nice time visitng my great aunt in Georgia.  I don't really have a very large family, and (on my dad's side at least) the dynamic is kinda odd.  But the family I do have is very important to me, and going to see my 94 year old great aunt is a priority.  And my mom and I generally have a lot of fun on these trips.

I've been waffling back and forth about what to post (or not) here.  I have been honest about the tremendous amount of stress I'm feeling, but pretty vague about reasons.  I don't know how much detial I'm comfortable sharing, so I've opted for undersharing.

But we have made some (hard) decisions and plans, and things seem to be moving forward.  Not in any sort of ideal way, because there are certain factors simply beyond my control.  But moving, as scary as the future looks right now.

Have a good day and once I've gotten my thoughts together, I'll be back. 

Headed out of town

A good representation of what has been happening around here. :-)

This week has been sort of an epic fail as far as stress reduction, otoh, I am here and writing.  It has been a really shitty week.

We are leaving for Georgia in just a few minutes.  I can't tell you how much I am looking forward to getting out of here for a couple of days.

Have a good weekend.

Monday

Kinda how I'm feeling today. :-)

I avoided the computer all weekend, sadly I also avoided the beach due to it raining, and raining, and raining.... which was a bummer.

I am taking a 4 day weekend for my mom & I to go to Georgia and visit my great autn.  We are leaving Friday morning.  I plan to post a couple of times between then & now, but I don't plan to take my computer with me.

Anyway, hope you had a good weekend!

A muscle or a circuit, I can’t think of a good analogy

I have heard resilience described as a muscle, that we can train and make stronger.  That may well be true.  But you can also over train a muscle, doing significant damage and making it so that the simplest of everyday tasks (sitting down, lifting your arms to dry your hair) and be painful or even impossible.

I think that is true of resilience as well – we can over use the muscle, or force too much current through the circuit, blowing it out.  What happens next is like our over training story, where you walk down the stairs backward because you can’t go down them the normal way, or you decide to put your hair into a ponytail and skip the blow out.

That’s where my life is right now.  In the span of 1 year I dealt with 2 deaths in the family, buying and selling a home, moving a significant distance away from my support network, marital stress, job loss (my husband’s – and he still hasn’t found a job 2+ years later), a child who suffered significantly as a result of the move, and of course all the minutiae that comes along with trying to move your family and deal with everyday life and never knowing whether your husband will be working or not.  (He’s been doing temp work.  Sometimes it’s good and sometimes it sucks.  Right now it sucks.)

Yesterday was a bridge too far and I was reduced to a crying mess and went to bed at 8 because I just couldn’t cope any more.  It doesn’t even need to be a big thing (I would describe yesterday as medium), but when the muscle is over worked or the circuit is blown, the amount of the extra load doesn’t matter – the answer is going to be “no.”  I can’t handle life’s bumps – my ability to do so is completely used up.

Ugh, you know?  Some days, just ugh.  In the meantime......