Entry 12092013 // Long post O.o

Well, sort of tired and trying to figure out what the next step in my life is going to be. I mean, sure I could get married according to the wishes of my parents, but I just don't see that happening not to mention that I don't want to. This year I got my driver's license and I was thinking about getting a car, but seeing how the situation is at home and that I don't do much and all the complaints that I've been receiving from my mother about that... which is basically saying that I'm a irresponsible person, I'm between getting a car and getting a place for myself. Not to mention that I want to get laser eye surgery so that I don't have to wear glasses any more. I think it will be easier if I break it down to the conflicts that I'm having at the moment in my head:

Conflict 1 - Car or getting my own place?

So as always, I get something in my head, tell my parents what I plan to do. They say ok, they'll back me up and when I get everything done and just need a small help from them, they put the hold. So with the car it's the same thing, looked up a car got everything ready, except that at the last moment, my mother wouldn't help me sign the papers for the car as I couldn't get it by myself. She also mentioned that if I wanted to get a car, I should get it with my own means, as I never listen to her or do as she says.

I really got pissed off and was really unhappy for a couple of days and this lead me to think that if I was to get a car by myself or by my own means, I should just start living on my own and make my own decisions and take responsibility for my own actions/decisions. That's the moment when I was thinking of getting my own place and starting to take more control of my life and basically stop being a lazy ass piss of shit, depending on other people.

So that's one conflict and I think we know what the decision is going to be on that one...as much as I would love to have a car, I think it would be better for all if I just get my own place.

Conflict 2 - Laser eye surgery vs. travelling vs. work

So this conflict is more about depending on time. When my contract was renewed at work, I had a colleague who was going to fill in for the night shift when I got temporarily laid off - as my contract is a fixed contract but I will only be working when it's high season. But after a month, this colleague left the hotel. So at this moment, I'm not sure if I'll be working this winter or not (I don't think so, as they will have to change my contract again and they really get touchy about that question), but more importantly, I don't know when I'll have this "time off". I asked the director of the hotel and he said that it will either be beginning of November or mid-November, but he's not sure and will get back to me on that one.

I've already contacted a specialist clinic on eye surgery to ask them about the usual - payment, time and to get an appointment to go and ask more questions. But the question still hangs when will I get off work. I'd like to get laser eye surgery so that I don't have to wear glasses but I sort of have not confirmed plans to go places this winter, although seeing as things are going, I'm starting to have my doubts about them. Because the ideal time to get the surgery will be when I get off work but if that is mid-Nov. or end Nov. and I need to have weekly check up or what not for a month, I won't be able to travel. Which is something that I want to do.

On that issue, I talked to a close friend of mine and we sort of agreed that I'd go and spend Christmas and New Year with her, but given that she has some personal issues that she's trying to deal with - I would understand that she'd want to change plans... what I don't understand or get is that, we used to talk almost everyday and I get it that one has their own lives and problems, but now we rarely talk once a week and every time we do, it's just small/short conversation... I don't know if she's just busy or if she's ignoring me. I could be totally misunderstanding the situation here (which I'll bet is what is happening), but there is no way that we can just sit and talk (not to mention that we live far away from each other, which makes this more difficult). I might just go there and knock on her door and ask: what's happening here!?

(I'm willing to bet, it's my stupid brain playing fucking mind games with me again).

Let's get back to getting my own place. According to my mother, the only moment that I can actually get my own place is when I get married (we all know that isn't happening any time soon, as I don't want to and I haven't found the right person to go and get married to - or she doesn't feel the same way, which is basically a big no-fuck-off). But I was talking to my ex-girlfriend, a person that I considered (note past tense) a good friend, and since she was having trouble at home (she's 30 years old, unemployed and lives with her mother but they aren't getting along quite well), and I mentioned that I was thinking of getting my own place, she suggested that if it was okay, that she come and live with me and when she gets a job, we'll share expenses. First, I thought, why not, while I work, she can take care of the house and when she gets a job, we can share the expenses. Yes, I know, I know... she's my ex-gf, what am I thinking? Right? Well, at that moment, I was thinking of helping a friend in need and wasn't looking at the big picture. That is until she told me she was getting back with her 17 year old ex-boyfriend. When she told me that - my brain just did this: what the fuck did I hear? And what the fuck was that!? So going back a bit, this is the same friend that told me that she'll never go back with this kid, because she "realized" that he was a) too young for her and that he wanted and had the right to live and enjoy life and b) he used and hurt her so she was never going to go back to him. Oh and all this she told me crying and me wasting my time comforting her and telling her that it's going to be okay. Well, when she told me that she got back with him, at that very moment I decided that I don't want to live with this person. I mean, this is the same person that rejected job opportunities because "they weren't what she was looking for". Well, I don't want to support some one like that. The other day, we met and she started crying and telling me that she was having a bad time living with her mother and that it wasn't easy and that she needed to get out of there and all that she needed was a job - all I could think of, during all that is: why am I wasting my time having to listen to all this. According to her, I'm the only one that she can talk to about this stuff... I recall she has a boyfriend... why can't she talk to him about this? She complains that she doesn't like it that her mother is paying her for her driving license or for a course that she is taking... and that because her mother is paying her, she'll have to follow her mother's rules... logically since her mother is paying for things and that they share a roof, what her mother says is the law, but you still have the right to do what you want.... but then again, if it's the 7th of Sept and went through what your mother gave you.... what the fuck do you want me to do about it?!

So sadly although she doesn't know about this yet (maybe she will after she reads this... don't really care any more...), I'm not her boyfriend, that I need to put up with her crying in public and listening to her complain about how nobody let's her do anything that she wants and that she doesn't have a job... it's not like it's my fucking fault. And no, I don't want her or am going to even tell her if I get my own place to come and live with me because I find her awfully childish and with no fucking clue of what the fuck she wants in life.

I already have enough problems of my own - trying to find a place to live, getting all my family things in order before I move out, trying to figure out when I'm going to be laid off work and save money to a) get my own place, b) travel, c) get laser eye surgery, d) get a car and e) try and save for when I can open my own company.

So leaving all that behind, we continue...

Ever since I got back from Bangladesh, I sort of have this idea that I'd like to raise my own child. like have my own child and be there every step of the way, and every moment. And confusingly, I'm don't want to be with someone. There is one person, who I can think of with whom I wouldn't mind being in a relationship with, but after all this time, I'm not even sure any more. Sometimes we get the same idea and we have a good friendship, but moving from there into relationship... I mean, if this was a year or two ago, I'd jump in blindly... but now I'm just not sure any more... When my other friends used to ask me if I liked her, I wouldn't hesitate to say yes, but now after all this time, I guess I'm not sure because I don't know how she feels about me or I just know that she doesn't feel the same way as I used to feel for her. Will I ever ask her out again? No idea. Maybe if the situation arises, I might... I guess, I don't have that patience any more to wait and find out. Well, going back to the main point - I've been seeing all these cute kids and children playing and holding their mum or dad's hand while they go shopping and I guess my parenting nature has been awaken, as I'd like to be there to see my son/daughter give he's/her first steps and be able to record them. Or teach them some major life things. Or get up early in the morning, make them breakfast and take them to school... I don't know, I guess I'm ready to be a father except that I don't have anyone to be a father with. Well, life sure knows how to punch you in the gut and keep you looking around every corner just in case, another cheap shot's waiting...

I have several business ventures in my head at this moment, and one of the important ones that I'm working on is the hotel/hostel that I wanted to open. But due to the lack of financial support available at this moment and that I don't think I have anyone's help and that I have to do it on my own. I've decided to change the plan slightly. Instead of opening my own hotel/hostel, which would cost me money that I don't have, I've decided to open a managing company. Instead of opening a new hotel/hostel, the company will rent and run one. This way, it will be able to get experience in running hotels/hostels but also be able to show this experience to future investors or credit companies so that we'll be able to get our own hotel/hostel - which will be turned into the main company headquarters and place of business. I asked a friend to do some research into the matter, but she totally didn't get what I wanted and sort of messed it up - so as the saying goes, you want to do some right, you have to do it yourself - which is what I'll be doing this coming week. Also have a friend who said she'd help me once I set up the company, not sure about that, but will give her a call when I actually have something to call for, but at least until then, she gives me some feedback on the ideas that I'm having.

Independence for Catalunya

As yesterday was the the "national day" of Catalunya, the National Assembly of Catalunya organized a human chain to show their support for the independence of Catalunya. Many people went out to make this human chain, and it seems that it was a success. I didn't participate, as I don't believe that it will do much. If Catalunya wants to be independent from Spain, I think it should just hold elections that ALL people residing in Catalunya can vote and decide if it should be independent or not. Also it should be clear the consequences of such action, not just what the politics say, but the reality of the situation, as there are many things that will change. The politicians will sell anything to get the vote and get their way, but it seems that generally there is a lack of information from the institutes, they seem to be quiet and guarding their opinion or taking sides instead of saying clearing what the pros and cons are going to be of such an action. At least that is the information flow that is available here. If you want a more out of the box information without being biased, you have to look for sources outside Spain or Europe. We'll see how it goes with all this independence shouts and stuff.

Android vs. Windows Phone

Since the introduction of smart phones, I've mostly stuck to Android operating system. But recently I've been having problems with the Android system, mostly due to the number of apps on the phone.

 

A couple of months ago, I got a Nokia Lumia 920 (Windows operating system), I didn't use it much until last week. Last weekend, I was driving up North with the family, when my mother decided that she wanted to go to the Roca Village. So I pulled over at the first petrol station and tried to use Google Maps on the Android phone to try and get my bearings and direction to go to the Roca Village - I had some doubts that we were more North, but I wanted to make sure how far up we were. After trying to several times trying to get the Google Map app to work properly (it kept crashing and the phone kept freezing), I got tired and fed up. I remembered that I had the Lumia 920 and decided to give it a go. The navigator app worked properly and the time that it took me to get the car started and around, we were on our way to the Roca Village - which turned out to be closed, as it was Sunday.

I think one of the reasons for that is that I have a lot of apps on the Android phone, not to mention that they keep restarting even after I turn them off. But on the Windows phone, it seems that the apps are closed until I restart them to check on them, so that's a good thing as I don't want Facebook to use up all my data and always be connected. Also since I use the apps on my Android phone, I don't need to have the same apps on the Windows phone (although, Youtube seems not to be working properly on the Windows phone... still investigating/testing).

I do have to update my Android phone, but at this moment, I don't really feel like it, as the phone works properly enough and in case something happens I can just use the Windows phone.

It's late now and I can't figure if there is anything else I want to say or if I'm just too tired that my brain doesn't want to function any more. So that is all for now...