Follow your bliss

I sat at my desk early Monday morning faced with yet another week of mind numbing tedium, close minded plebeian co-workers, and not nearly enough coffee in my system to handle any of it. It was at that bleary eyed moment that I was reminded of a conversation I had last week with a friend about being able to follow your bliss.

It’s an intriguing idea, and I’m always more than a little pea green when I run into or read about someone who is able to follow their inspired creative path unfettered by outside influences (read “the have to have job”). To be able to exclusively do that which makes them feel most fulfilled.

To even know what that bliss is has to be an enviable state. I struggle to find something in my life that I am that passionate about. Whether it be a desire to create that burns inside, or a passion for working with a particular group of people, or in a particular field of expertise; to have something in my life that inspires me in such a way that I absolutely cannot be a peace unless I am pursuing it. That is what I want to be when I grow up – inspired.

I hear writers in this very blogosphere say they have to write, cannot think of not writing, writing is like breathing for them. To not write on a daily basis would be unthinkable. I see artists and crafts people perfecting their skills, overjoyed at what possibilities a new tube of paint or a new swatch of fabric holds, and I am jealous.

I struggle to find my bliss. I have jumped from one creative endeavor to another. Wire wrapping, silver smithing, drawing, weaving, writing, knitting, and most recently web design. While each has been enjoyable, none have sparked that flame of obsession I crave,and none have held my attention long enough for me to become proficient in any of them.

I should probably take this moment to confess that I have not given any of these projects the time or focus needed to become skilled to the degree needed to take any of them beyond the realm of hobby. Maybe that’s the problem. Maybe I’m just adverse to the hard part of the creative process. The working at it part, while ignoring the voice in my head that is telling me “this is not for you, you have no talent with this”. Do I need to be spending weeks, months, even years perfecting a skill or a craft before I know for sure? When do you know for sure? Shouldn't the joy come more easily? This feels suspiciously like my last relationship, and Jesus did that end badly! I guess the question I have is this; when does the inspiration needed to carry one through the hard part supposed to kick in? Could it be be I'm just not all that creative? Or am I really that lazy? Shit, that’s a depressing thought.

I will keep trying though,trying new things as they catch my attention. I may even go back and to pick up some previously failed attempts at past projects. The silver work specifically was something I felt like I didn't give enough time or effort to. Maybe it's not a specific something I need to find in order to be inspired. Maybe I need to inspire myself, find a way to tap into some yet to be discovered well of creative energy. At the very least I probably need to shut up,stop whining, and just go out and do.

A Shameless Plug

I thought, for a change, rather than blathering on and on about me me me, that I would toot someone Else's horn today. I want to take some time to introduce you to an incredibly talented woman, who, lucky me, is a wonderful friend as well. She is a doll maker, not that you could consider these amazing cloth sculptures merely dolls. These fey creations each have their own personality, and over the years I have collected as many of them as possible, both as gifts (like I said, lucky me) and as purchases when I just couldn't bare to leave one of them behind. You can check out more of Cindy's creations on her Etsy site - Here.

So, this past birthday not only was I treated to a fabulous surprise birthday party thrown by Ms B, the antics of which you can read about here, but was also the recipient of a new fairy to add to my collection.

This is Jory- You can tell by the look on her face she's a bit of a smart ass. I like that in a fairy.

So does Bella. Evidently they hang out a lot together while I'm at work.

And contemplate ways to bust out of the place.

She also likes to hang out on the mantel and gossip with the girls.
That gorgeous painting up there was done by none other than She who Tap Dances. I got it as a Christmas present one year after many many attempts to "winkle it away" from her. She and Cindy are sisters, evidently creative talent runs in that family.

As it turns out, once I got my camera out and started the Fairies Nest photo shoot, all the other's wanted their 15 minutes of fame. Let's meet The girls on the mantel(sounds like a rock band)
This one doesn't have a name, really, though she does make an appearance in December as the tree topper. Perhaps Noel?
Oh, by the way, this one's Punk. I can't tell you how long I've wanted to say that. Anyhoo, this little creature never quite looked happy until I perched her on the top of my cd stand. Evidently she's really into music, but she also seems happy enough to hang out on a piece of pottery and chat.


These miniatures are some of Cindy's first creations, and also two of my favorites. The Saucy Sorceress and her Consort were the first two dolls I ever got as gifts. Aren't they fabulous!?

Here are a few more miniatures, and they certainly enjoyed mugging for the camera.


Next is Annie, she's a bit shy, and like to hang out in the bathroom.


Last, but certainly not least, are the two that hang out with me in the den. They perch upon the book case vex the cats every moment they can.
Here is Green(Named after the Joni Mitchell song)

And finally "Spring". She's a particular favorite of mine, Don't you just love her outfit?


Okay, I'm done wandering around my house taking pictures, I hope you liked them, and if you are ever looking for a bit of magic, don't forget to check out The Fairies Nest.

What I did instead of cleaning out my closet

Oh yes, this weekend was going to be a study in productive domesticity. I was going to clean out all three of my closets (yep, you heard, I have three whole closets!), make some fabulous vegetarian gourmet delight to dine upon, and basque in my overblown feelings of superiority. And then Satan called, also know as "She Who Tap Dances" tempting me away from my chores with the siren song of fresh coffee and scones. Dammit.

Well, one thing lead to another, as these things often do, and Coffee gave way to rum drinks. Now I will confess that I might have had something to do wit the rum drinks.... maybe. So I ran back up to my house ( I live a few doors down, and we like to consider the street just a long hallway connecting different wings of the mansion. Delusional much?) and grabbed provisions for a day of blatant laziness.

It goes without saying that where there is lounging around and drinking, there will be random picture taking as well.

This is an up close and personal shot of the giant assed Camilla bush/tree in my front yard. It's way too big, and is currently eyeing my mailbox as a possible meal, but it has gorgeous flowers on it. Besides, it's one of the few things that bloom this early.

Daffodils also bloom this time of year, but I feel so bad for them most of the time. We get a few really warm days and they pop their little heads up thinking it's spring. Then BAM! It dips below freezing and they freeze their happy yellow butts off. It just ain't fair.

Ms. B has a great little creek running through her yard, and the sun was hitting it just right on Saturday, so I got jiggy with my zoom and took a few shots. Cool huh? I like to pretend I'm an "artiste".


Whew! After all of that hard work we needed sustenance. So, we retired to the back yard to relax.

Rum Drinks - magically delicious and good for you too! (it's got vitamin C in it. So there!)

Fear not! We had healthy snacks as well. Don't they look Delicious?


Word on the street is that a camera in your face is the new spring accessory. It's all the rage! Here's Ms. B modeling her new Fuji camera her lovely hubby got her for Christmas.


OK, so my closets are still a mess, but who really cares? In the grand scheme of things the total recharge I got from Saturday's escape from reality is far better than clean closets. I highly recommend it.

Ok, so maybe just a picture.

I know I said I wasn't posting this week, but I was getting some pictures printed as Christmas presents, and this one came out particularly well (at least I think it did), so I thought I'd post it. I took it with an ancient 35 mm camera and then played with it in Photoshop a little(gotta love Photoshop). It's a view of the top half of the Currituck Beach Light House that was taken this summer on our annual trip to the Outer Banks.


We now return to our regularly scheduled pre-holiday panic.

Starting Small

I have been called out on the mat by She who Tap Dances to post some of my poetry out here in blog land. Well, I went digging through old journals with the best intentions of pulling out my 20 year old angst ridden- unrequited love filled poetry to subject you to. I read it all and Oh the Horrors it was AWFUL! Bad beyond bad. Bad like Debbie Gibson and Stevie Nicks got together and had a love child,and that child wrote poetry bad! I'm telling you people, it was stinkaroo.

So I wrote a couple of new ones. Little ones. Haiku(s)specifically. I figured I would start small, and maybe revisit those stinky poems later. While these bits of poetic sushi are far from being good , at least they don't sound like a bad country western song.

Here they are


#1
friend revisited
charming and recalcitrant
can never return



#2
Burger of my dreams
clings to my thighs looming large
awaken to fruit

Jumping In

I turned 40 this year.
40.
Forty.
Holy crap!
How did I get here? I look in the mirror and see an overweight single woman who has no idea who she is. I don’t feel like I’ve grown into the person I am supposed to be. Way back when there was this amazing person to nurture, and bring to her fullest potential, but the small, dark hearted side of me locked her away, and whispered damaging untruths, until she believed, then finally became the damaged goods I see in the mirror every morning. But I don’t want to dwell on that. Aside from being overly dramatic, my penchant for dwelling on the negative; on what I’m not, rather than what I am, on what I don’t have, rather than on what I do has been a large contributor to my current existential crisis.

What I want to focus on now (and the impetus behind baring my soul to the blogosphere - lucky you!) is how to unlock that metaphorical door, and let my true self out ('cuz damn, she really has to pee). I want to get to know her, become that person I denied myself access to so long ago. I suspect she’s a pretty cool chick. I want to unite what I see as my fractured physical, emotional, and spiritual selves into one well adjusted, happy, thinner me.

Pretty sentiment, yes,but how do I do that?

I’ve been thinking a lot about that lately ,and what I keep coming back to is writing. Honest- no holds barred- writing. It’s all up for grabs; my past, my present, my future, whether it be painful, embarrassing, or funny, I want to put it out there to try to understand who I am, and change myself for the better. Writing is also a great creative outlet, and anyone who knows me, knows I’m always whining about wanting to be more creative. So here I am, not whining (much), writing.

So, welcome to my little corner of the Internet, here’s to belly flopping into the deep end of the pool. Come on in, the water’s fine.