Don't Breathe (2016)

Get off my lawn!

The film would have been so much better if they'd kept it morally ambiguous by getting rid of the stupid kidnapping sub-plot. Multiple endings, glaring plot-holes, far too many jump-scares, the extremely irritating "Money" character needed to suffer far more than he did, the turkey baster scene was more hilarious than horrifying and that chase scene with the night-vision cam was just stupid.

Disappointing.

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Mission: Impossible – Rogue Nation (2015)

Steve G was right, this was really good!

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The Accountant (2016)

Well, they shoehorned as many traits as possible and it does nothing to dispel the idea that Aspies are emotionless, would-be killers (even if in a good cause) but it was still good fun, if a little flabby in the second act.

Still, as they say, if you've met one killer with autism, you've met one killer with autism :)

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The Shallows (2016)

Hilariously terrible! The slo-mo surfing scenes! Starving so much after a couple of hours she eats a wee crab! Why did she risk her life for a fucking GoPro! The seagull! The drunk Mexican stealing a surfboard! The Swiss Army necklace! A shark not liking jellyfish stings! How long did that fucking tourniquet stay on? What the hell is a buoy doing that close to a beach? Explosive whale oil? Did everyone see the same film as me? My quota of exclamation and question marks has run out. Just awful.

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iBoy (2017)

iBOLLOCKS

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Criminal (2016)

It passed the time. I can see they really wanted a franchise out of this and it has a decent premise to work with but the execution ultimately failed. It would have worked quite nicely as a TV show.

WARNING: Piers Twatface makes a brief appearance :(

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The Equalizer (2014)

There's one thing missing, and that's the mythology; the Equaliser appearing out of the shadows like a trench-coated angel of vengeance (a bloody Michael Landon, if you will), only to disappear again afterwards. This is played more like a by-the-numbers revenge thriller with a bit of an origin story tacked on. Not as bad as I thought it would be.

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Spectre (2015)

James Bond's year zero, which started in Skyfall and ends in Spectre, is a beautiful, post-Bourne restart of the franchise that removes the silliness (that bloody invisible car and that stupid inflatable jacket, which would have suited Jeremy Clarkson more than Bond), adds a large dose of grit and brings back the cool. Bond is Bond again rather than someone's smarmy Dad. I can seriously see them heading back to the books and maybe the next film will be 'Live and Let Die', apparently the first Bond story chronologically after 'Casino Royale'. Not quite up there with Skyfall, but damned close. Good stuff.

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London Has Fallen (2016)

They've only gone and bloody blown London up, ain't they!

Really, really, really stupid but just what I needed on a Friday afternoon. Oh, and Charlotte Riley's in it.

At the end, did I really hear that right? Prime Minister Clarkson? I think I'd rather be blown up!

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Shaft (1971)

That intro with John Shaft just casually walking across a busy street and expecting cars to just stop for him, builds his character perfectly. No exposition or flashbacks needed; just a bloke walking across a road. Shaft is indeed a bad mother-fucker and he owns his city.

Great dialogue, terrific NYC locations, full of great fleshed-out characters, THAT score by Chef and The Bar-Kays, the final rescue, Richard "I'm a handsome fucker" Roundtree.

Cool as fuck.

The "Soul in Cinema: Filming 'Shaft' on Location" extra on my DVD was pretty damned fine as well and includes Isaac Hayes and The Bar-Kays recording the score.

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Man Vs. (2015)

So how would a TV survivalist who has a warm hotel at the end of his sat-phone do in a real-life emergency survival situation? I love my outdoors shit, so here's a breakdown of the woodcraft/survival techniques and cockups.

• Equipment wise, as well as his clothes he has: a Tilley hat, camera, flashgun, can of energy drink, apple, Swiss Army Knife, a stick of chewing gum and of course the sat-phone.
• Shelter building. It's hard to break green spruce limbs by hand - they're really springy! The lean-to shelter is reasonable but it's a little too tall which makes the open side quite large which will let out heat and let rain and cold in. One of these shelters needs to be just big enough to lie under and no more. There also needs to be a deep, insulating bed of pine branches to lie on, which I think he regrets a little later on.
• Dealing with a large splinter. Cleaning the would.
• Fire-lighting using the concave base of a drink can. He should have already sourced his fuel before starting the fire. There is also no fire reflector so a lot of its heat is going unused.
• Shelter and fire built before night-time which is a good idea.
• Using a sat-phone to ring your friends does not exactly replicate the isolation of being stranded.
• Backed away from a wolf correctly. Did not run, did not act aggressively, did not turn his back but calmly and slowly backed away.
• Wisely didn't eat the dead, floating fish. You should avoid eating a dead animal unless you know exactly what caused its death. I did take home and butcher a road-kill deer once, but it was by the side of the road with a broken neck, no other injuries and still warm. Risky? A little.
• Animal tracking - rabbit shit can usually be found on mounds so they can scan the surroundings from the high ground.
• The figure-4 deadfall trap was well built, primed and should work. Although you only see the single trap he does mention that he'd set others. This is really important. Set as many as possible. More traps equals a greater chance of success (two out of three successful traps would be a little unusual, though).
• Gutted the rabbits away from camp. Good. I always gutted mine in the field and left the innards for the foxes. Skinning and butchering, I'd do at home. The gutting and skinning was done correctly (his knife skills were a little crude but all he had to use was a Swiss Army knife) although at one point he says you want to cut deep - no you don't, you could puncture the stomach and that's something you don't want. One thing he didn't show was that you need to squeeze the urine out as soon as you kill them. If left in it can taint the meat when you butcher it. It will still be edible but will taste a little off. If you do get piss on the rabbit try soaking it in water for a few hours - this also reduces the gamey flavour if that's not your thing.
• Uses a spit to roast the rabbit. Normally you would lose useful fat using this technique but as rabbit has very little fat I'll let him off.
• Saving and rationing food is a good idea.
• Hanging food in a high branch away from camp is good. You'll want to keep bears and wolves away from where you sleep. The rabbit that he hangs hasn't been gutted as yet. Normally you would gut as soon as possible but, in this case, it's probably a good idea to leave the rabbit whole to help keep the wildlife away, as long as you're going to eat it within a day or so.
• Although he uses a camera strap as cordage there are other sources available in the wild: hazel, willow, nettles, ivy.
• Keeping your mind active is very important. Do not become lazy.
• If you think you're going to be camped in the same place for a few days, improve your shelter!
• Do not throw your main means of communicating with the outside world onto the hard ground.
• Good, he reset his traps.
• Moving away from the place where you told people you could be found is not a great idea.
• Shelter mk2 is not bad but needs more spruce boughs on top and the side. Again, it needs insulation on the ground. I would be worried about rain run-off from the cliff-face though.
• I'm not sure how he moved his fire as he left his drinks can at the other camp. This can be done but I would have liked to see him do it.
• Not picking up his old drinks can and disassembled sat-phone was a bad move.
• Do not panic, do not run. A simple injury can be life-threatening in the wild.
• A signal fire shouldn't be lit inside a load of trees - the smoke needs to be seen and wind can blow the smoke horizontally rather than it rising vertically. There is a perfectly good shoreline which would have been better.
• When wet he quickly gets out of his clothes, squeezes out as much water as possible and redresses. That'll do if fire-lighting can't be done.
• Another panicked run.
• Drinking from an unknown and possibly stagnant water source is a bad idea unless you really have no choice.
• I told you a panicked run wasn't a good idea!
• A makeshift bandage but ruins his warm base-layer in the process.
• When climbing try to avoid grabbing roots and grass as they can easily and unexpectedly give way.
• No matter how angry you are, do not smash your radio!
• I'll let him off his panicked run this time.
• I knew that flashgun would come in handy.
• He wisely went around a rock face rather than try to climb it. It's all about minimising risk.
• He grabbed the food and knife but forgot about Duncan's rifle.

The survival stuff was, overall, very good for a change and as for the film? It's Bear Grylls vs. Predator and pretty good fun. That man-sized deadfall scene was brilliant!

I've written a similar woodcraft/survival based review for The Edge if you're interested.

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Green Room (2015)

As soon as the band opened to a crowd of boneheads with Nazi Punks Fuck Off (been in that situation) I knew this was going to be fun.

Righteous!

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Night School (1981)

From the director that brought us Chitty Chitty Bang Bang, Casino Royale and the terrible Mae West vehicle Sextette (which featured Alice Cooper).

A well-made thriller that rides the fine line between giallo and slasher. Although there are some tasty red herrings laid down, the identity of the killer is pretty obvious after the first 15 minutes.

Loved the "Is it? Isn't it?" beef stew scene :)

As usual, Rachel Ward's performance stinks to high heaven.

One thing I didn't really get was why the killer used a Nepalese Kukri when none of the clues point in that direction?

Nope-Tober: Random Shit for an Ill-disciplined Mind

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Madhouse (1981)

Two twins. Julia, a beautiful saint who works with deaf kids, and Mary, a deformed psychopathic killer, reunite after many years apart! But wait... there's a twist!

A slow but well-crafted Giallo-tinged slasher that can be quite unnerving at times and has a great finale - yes, I even liked the dog hand-puppet! There's a decent amount of blood with a face smashing, some dog kills, stabbings and a nice hatchet job.

Not bad at all.

Nope-Tober: Random Shit for an Ill-disciplined Mind

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Vanishing Point (1971)

THE high-speed, hypnogogic, hypnotic, pin-point pupilled, testosterone tormented, hades headed, soul injected, white-line fevered, odyssian, existential white knight. Accept no substitutes and be there for the death of the American dream.

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Assault on Precinct 13 (1976)

Carpenter's western is a stone-cold classic and that ice cream scene with a wee Kim "Tuff Turf" Richards still makes my blood run cold. Not shy of writing strong parts for women, secretary Leigh (Laurie Zimmer) is probably the toughest female character Carpenter/Hill ever created.

This is the film that Quentin Tarantino has been trying to make for the last 25 years.

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Visiting Hours (1982)

It's... always... a-pleasure-to... SEE... William... Shatner... in-a-non... STAR-Trek... production.

An above average, polished and progressive slasher/thriller starring Michael Ironside as a quietly scary killer with Mummy issues. Lee Grant as the stalked reporter can sometimes come over as a little shrill and Ellen "The Exorcist" Burstyn-like but she carries the moral heart of the film well. Linda Purl provides strong support as a nurse and mother.

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Sweet Sweetback’s Baadasssss Song (1971)

"We want an immediate end to POLICE BRUTALITY and MURDER of Black people." -- Black Panther manifesto (1967)

"Black Lives Matter affirms the lives of Black queer and trans folks, disabled folks, black-undocumented folks, folks with records, women and all Black lives along the gender spectrum. It centers those that have been marginalized within Black liberation movements. It is a tactic to (re)build the Black liberation movement." -- Black Lives Matter (2015)

Messy, egotistical, uncomfortable, meandering, funny, brave, chaotic, experimental, brutal, raw, guerilla, ground-breaking, important and with an Earth, Wind and Fire (written by Van Peebles himself) jazz-funk score that is fucking amazing!

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Afraid of the Dark (1991)

My wife is partially blind. It's a neurological blindness rather than ocular, so her eyes work perfectly well but her brain only interprets the signals for her left field of vision, leaving her completely blind on her right-hand side. Anyway, a few years back I thought that I would try a simple task whilst completely blind. I tightly closed my eyes, got up from the sofa and walked into the kitchen to make a cup of coffee. I have rarely felt so afraid and confused. Is that the coffee jar or the sugar jar? How do I know when the spoon has coffee in it? How do I know when the spoon full of coffee in over the mug? How do I know when the kettle spout is above the mug and how do I know when the mug is full and not overflowing? Somehow I managed without burning myself, walked back to the sofa and drank the coffee with my eyes still closed. 20 minutes of blindness. 20 minutes of fear. Try it sometime, it'll really open your eyes. This film perfectly captures that feeling.

Afraid of the Dark features a top-notch list of British actors (James Fox, Paul McGann, David Thewlis, Rosalind Knight, Hilary Mason, Sheila Burrell, Robert Stephens, and ...drum roll... Catriona MacColl!). Terrific!

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10 Cloverfield Lane (2016)

Wasn't really expecting much at all and was nicely surprised. Mary Elizabeth Winstead's Michelle is up there with Ellen Ripley.

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