you

time: 2.12pm

when i promised to feel better the next day, i usually succeed. And frankly, Im not one to get down for extended periods of time.

But there is something i just cant let go. And when realization sinks in and its all real, then I dont know what to do. I never saw it coming - the reaction that Im having.


Im feeling so damn fucking sad now.


There, I've said it.

and forgive me if i don't want to talk about it. I just cant. Cause I've never been good at admitting things.

Knowing the right thing to do is worlds apart from being able to do it.

I dun want my blog to turn into a setting of melodrama, so give me some time to recover. But if i take too long, slap me please. haha i already can see pple gladly waiting to give a hand. :)

I've just got to hang in there.

is it the 15th?

time: 10.03pm

the moon tonight is uber super nice. Haven't seen one so big and bright for a long time. Im not sure if its completely round though. wish i could have taken a picture

So if you like nice big moons, quick! Go take a look! i hope you can see it whereever you are!

and i was looking for stars, but found few. sighz. makes me miss the redang stars. :)

a reminder from the past

time: 1.10am

I have got to admit. Today wasn''t a good day. I've heard stuff i dont want to know, i've seen sides of pple i dun want to see and i've been through feelings that i dont like at all.

Then i did a funny thing of visiting my old blog.

Maybe its cause i was talking to another friend before that and he showed me his old blog. Made me curious to read what i wrote last time. So this was a entry that made me stop. Its dated April 2004
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[Ok pple..dun leave...i'm serious. i will seriously miss you guys..esp since i'm not going anywhere. hmm..ok maybe one day we will go our seperate ways..but not if i can help it lar..reading all your entries, it made me realise some thg.. i have never tot of going away..never tot of leaving when i sad. I dun know why, but i just dun. Even if thgs are bad, i'm sick of life, i wish i was dead, i still can never imagine myself anywhere else. I guess starting afresh is a gd way to forget the past, to find yourself, to distant yourself from a place which hold no good memories. But can you guarantee that you are forever going to be happy in your new place? What if one day, you feel so burdened down by misery in that place too? Are you going to pack up and leave again?

Its never going to end..sometimes i hate this place, sometimes bad memories will keep haunting..sometimes i wish the ministry of education building will just burn down :p, but i still wan to stay here. There is too much i would ever want to give up. People leave to escape, but has anythg really really that bad happen to us that we want to let go? or are we simply letting the unhappiness of the moment over take us? maybe..then perhaps a change of environment will be good. Go overseas and study..breathe some fresh air, or stay there if its makes you happy. I guess nothg can stop you.

But you are wondering if anyone would miss you..there will. If you are wondering if anyone cares, there is, and if you are wondering if there is anythg to hold one too, there always will be...

Everythg we have builds us up to what we are today. And believe or not, all of us are never alone unless we choose too. true..we go thur many parts of life alone, but its because no one will ever understand us like we understand ourselves. Can you imagine if everyone is homogeneous? All feelings and thoughts are all uniform and we know each other like the back of our hand? hmm..damm weird if you ask me. But you can be assured that there are always pple out who care, maybe even more than you realize..

ok..here i am going on and on about this..its coz i read abt all these stuff and feel just so sad... i know alot of you are going thur rough times, some of these no other pple can comprehand better than yourself, but dun give up k? one day everythg will find its place.*hugz*

For me, I never tot much of a new environment, because memories and pain will follow you wherever you go, but people and places cant. maybe one day my mindset will change, but for now only what i feel matters. For every pissing-off crap that happens now i still want to be here to go thur this.

I can find many reason to do so..and all of you form part of this reason.
love ya..:)]
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For the first time, it took me to remind me that things arent so bad. Alot have changed since i wrote this. Has my mindset changed? Yes, because now i really want to go overseas. Not to escape, but to live beyond my space of comfort.

I've met alot of people since i've entered uni, and it this one year plus, everyone has aged and well..grown up. Behind each face there are secrets, lies, motives. Lunch time discussions are on class and what we want to be when we grow up and the pple we have to face everyday. By and by, i feel myself getting sucked in as well.

so well...excuse me if once in a while i choose to indulge myself in petty worries of keeping my cactus alive, of not stepping on snails, of the fear that my piyo piyo at home will start to tear cause of its thin THIN material, of my room getting dirty and invaded by lizards. It helps put me back in place sometimes.

Its so easy to be bogged down by problems nowadays, to think of running away, to simple push the blame to others.

im rumbling.. i know i am! shucks. ok..end of story here. i have no idea how all the tots links (many dun), and its bloody long!!! but its my space. dun care you! lol

today was bad, im sure i have lots of other days that will probably make me feel this way. But for now, lets start tmr right. :)

And thanks to those who have kept me sane and kept it real. :) I guess alot of things happen for a reason.

urm..whatever

time: 12.42pm

some people can just be so bitchy. ugh.

slap your face!

haha i wish la.

ok back to lecture.

sleepless in ntu

time:2.48am

when i told myself i wanted to sleep late tonight to catch up on readings, i wasnt exactly asking for this.

This evening, when i came back to hall, i saw a small lizard climbing around. i kind of ignored it until it was on the window net near my bed. Then i tried to chase it out of my window. It was a feeble attempt. It ended up on the floor instead and crawled towards the fridge. The time was 2am.

After i brushed my teeth, i came back to see it crawling on the wall near my bed. quickly i pulled my bed away from the wall. wth. who knew lizards could leap. it freaking flew onto the side of mattress. Then it was a mad rush to pull away my pillow and bolster and everything else. omg. now im just helplessly looking at my bed post and wondering what to do. i just saw the head of the asshole peeping out ar me from the bedpost.

no way am i putting back my mattress until i know that its on the wall. i just cant bear sharing my bed with it.

no way am i sleeping till its out of the way.

somehow i think i will be sitting by my laptop for a long long time tonight.

the time is 2.55am and im feeling kind of depressed.

the tongue i lost

time: 12.25am

I watched 881 yesterday. Its surprised me with its beauty and wit. I must admit that i went in with zero expectations, so maybe that why i thought it to be good. The key to a great movie is low expectations. Then it can only get better. lol

But really, the fusion of getai and musical was a pleasant watch and i loved the colours and songs that they belted out scene after scene.

If only i could understand it well enough.

You see, i cant understand hokkien. And most of the songs were in hokkien Actually my dialect is Teochew, but i cant speak a word of that either. Its a pity really. Sometimes i wish i could turn back time and make my parents teach me. But back in those days( when i was still wetting my bed i guess), teochew was a langauge my parents used when they wanted to talk about something they didnt want me and my bro to know. A secret language.

sighz..bet they regret it now, since the only dialect words i really understand are all words not worth mentioning. Being unable to use the language also made communication with my grandparents so difficult. I remember once my grandmother asked me to wash her coffee cup for her and i REFUSED TO, thinking that she was asking me to drink the coffee in her cup. boy, was she irritated at my disobedience!! Maybe thats why she didnt like me that much. :(

Next time, i will get my kid to learn their dialect. certainly not from me, and if their dad cant do the job either, then maybe my parents can help. lol. It is after all, really part of their history and culture. I feel quite sad losing this very important part of me. ugh!!

the price of risk

time: 10.34am

at the looks of it, i think its going to rain soon.

Well..its monday again. Last week, before i break home for the weekend, i finally managed to get my GIP and INSTEP application done. Its strange, i thought that the actual completion will come as a relief to me. Instead, i felt a different kind of worry.

I've always been so focused on going overseas. I gave up the chance to run for coordinator for HI and even running for top4 in my hall's foc com. I know, running for them does not mean a confirmed appointment, but these were opportunities i let slip because of exchange. I've allowed life to come to a standstill as i wait for the release of results.

Tell me its going to be worth it.

Cause looking at the vacancies and the number of people who applied, somehow i think i may end up staying in Singapore. And if that happens, i dun know how to feel.

I think i shouldnt think too much about it. Instep results will be known by the end of this month, then will i plan my next step. no point clouding my days with this yesh? Come what may!

frustrations

time: 11.17pm

This post is titled frustrations. Not because im really troubled though, more like a lets rant and rave session. lol

first up...ORG COM!
bless the poor people taking the same module as me. You know, i really think that the lecturer is a nice guy and i really pity how he tries to get help, but no one really helps him. But i cannot believe how messy his lecture is. One would think that we would be learning about effective communication methods in organisation, instead he feeds us with videos on body language of speed dating and the martin luthur king speech. Even so, i can actually see how he can link these two videos to the class. The problem is, HE DOESNT! and he doesn't know how to work you tube. -_- i tried to help him, but he refused to listen that you have to let the video stream before you watch it. He looked rather puzzled everytime the video paused cause of incomplete buffering. Then he will try to refresh the page. so it begins all over again!!! This went on for a good 15 mins and you can almost see the irritation written on our faces. I dun know..i dun know how to evaluate his lessons. I feel lost. really thats all there is, a question mark as to what i have learned from the 2 hours i sat there. Tmr, i have tut and apparently he wants us to read our book review in front of the class. AGAIN..what for? It feels quite primary school. He needs to explain his rational for his activities more clearly and please treat us like uni student. Dont have to be so defensive to our questions and request. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.

haha, such lessons make me want to laugh and cry at the same time man.

and if studentlink doesnt work in the next 45 mins, i will flood my room in tears. I need need need it to apply for my exchange. I know its funny, but today, to actually be doing the application it gives me butterflies in my stomach. I fear not getting it, yet at the same time worry abt leaving. haha life's little contradiction. Shall go try again.

oh yes...and school has just started, so everyone. Lets try to not start it with worried faces k? I feel quite sad when i see people complaining or getting so stressed so early in the school term. I know that eventually i will be like that soon(Im a born worrywart), but now is still a tad early. * hugs all round* cheers, hope things get better!

save the snails!

time: 11.21pm

i just have to say this.

I think we should all be careful when we walk at night! especially after it rains!

WHY?

becasue everyday a large amount of snails get crashed under our big feet! Its sickening, the sound of the shell shattering into pieces before we land the large surface of our shoes into the soft vunerable skins of these harmless creatures!

i know i know..no one does it one purpose. But IT SO SAD! :(:( i hate hate HATE it that they are all so quiet and slow and un-noticeable. and to make it worse, they are all so BROWN! sighz. Im reading about charles darwin and his evolution theory right now, and if he is right, then in many many years to come, snails should dorn bright, glow in the dark shells or develop legs that can carry their sluggish body faster, further. OR maybe, they will develop little flash lights that blink when humans are in 1m radius of them. These methods may attract eagar birds looking for late night supper. But face it, how many birds in singapore actually eat snails? ( urm...i hope im not wrong in this assumption!)

for now though, please watch your step, especially on rainy days. remember, you dun want to be reborn a slow brown creature in your next life.

After this post, if i should step on a snail tmr, im going to blame it on heaven and her bad jokes. -_-

the beginning of everything...all over again

time: 12.01am

Good morning sunday!

Its the first sunday since school started. Nothing much happened in school this week. It was nice to just kick back relax and meet up with all my friends, both school and HI. No tutorials meant more free time, but seriously, i think everyone is already starting to fear the start of this new sem. The smell of heavy workloads and intensive mugging is think and sneaking in to suffocate. oh no!!!!!

After my one week of lectures, i feel ok about most of them, except maybe organisation communication. I shouldnt be too quick to judge i know, but i cant help it when the teacher insist on signing on our little "name tags" every thing we participated in class, and promising us an extra point if we brought a dictionary to school. -_- sorry, but i think im not in primary school anymore. PLUS he wants to throw some of us into his writing clinic if he deems any of our writing not up to standard. *GASP* not me please! :( I really wanted to drop this module, but i couldnt find anything else to fit. However after reading the course outline for the entire sem, i think it MIGHT just be interesting. Honestly, i think the lecturer knows his stuff, he just might have to change his style a little. I guess he can be excused with the fact that this is his first time teaching in NTU.

just as things move into full swing, i have to remember that if i want to play, i've got to work as hard. So much coming up. But really for now, i just have to focus on running. omg...im so slow that i can go backwards. okok im exaggerating, but i really need to find my stamina before the actual run. Every day i ask myself what i have signed myself up for. Its only 6km i know, but it feels like a ENDLESS road to me! lol. God bless me.

alright back to my book review. YES, this is a actual piece of homework for my org com class. haha. i hope it gets better! Excuses cant last forever!

cheerio

hello school

time: 22.41pm

6 august. Has it already been 3 months? This hols have gone by so quickly i barely felt it slip through my fingers.

A new term, new subjects, new timetable, new teachers, new frens. Many things change, but also the old remind. The old environment, the old frens. These are my comfort food in the midst of all this changes. I loved seeing all the familar faces as i entered school today. Today felt like a holiday rather than the first day of school, with us feasting on buffet and going to watch a movie tgt. I think we must be one of the rare schools to have such a gorgeous spread of food for the year 1s.lol

But of course, seeing the swarm of pple at popular and 8 flags provides a firm reminder that school has indeed started and with a whole load of freshies in toil. They bring life back into the campus but at the same time, overwhelm me with their presence. I remember the quiet state of school last sem. It seemed to have disappeared overnight.

Still, im excited at the new term. Its going to be tough, but at the same time, there are things to look forward to. I hope to go overseas next sem. If so, then this will be my last sem in hall. For all the laughter and fun it has brought me, i think i m glad to be able to leave behind the facade i sometimes carry with me. Maybe its time to stop trying so hard.

cheers to a sem 1 07/08. Im officially year 2 and on my way!