Don't you hate it when...

You work your self up by being hyper aware of every possible symptom you feel. "I'm a little tired today," or "i'm feeling a little nauseous,"  or "well I haven't had my period in 45days" and just make yourself think that you could even possibly be pregnant without medical intervention. It sucks. I forget I have PCOS and am anovulatory without help. IT SUCKS that I have tested 3 times, just because i thought i was "feeling" something. Agh. I'm going to call the RE on monday and see if someone can give me some meds to start my period. I'm tired of waiting on my body to actually do something it's supposed to on its own.

Indecision...

I've completely weaned my 13mo. little girl in the hopes of beginning TCC #2. Both the RE& OB let me know a few months back that this would be necessary. Now, I'm waiting around from AF, who is no where to be found. I had a few months of regularity which were hope inducing as this has not been normal for me. However, here I sit CD40+ ready to start and no AF. I'm not sure if I should call and as for proges.terone to kick start things or wait. Should I go with the OB and try that route again or visit the RE? I am so indecisive. IF land, any suggestions out there? I don't know what to do.

Happy Birthday Baby Girl!

My sweet little girl was born one year ago today at 10:20am after 17hrs of labor and one push! Each day has been an adventure from learning to nurse to seeing her learn new skills and gain strength. I wouldn't trade having had the past year at home to be with her and watch her grow for anything in the world. I am truly blessed. This month we begin the weening process and start heading down the path towards procreation with infertility once again. We'll see how long it takes this time around. I am praying that it isn't too long.

Waiting

Today I washed all the baby clothes, towels, washcloths, bibs, and bedsheets. I finally rearranged the drawers, lined the old dresser and set up the mobile over the crib. I'm 38wks today, 1cm dilated, 60% effaced, and I lost my plug right in the Dr.s office. And I feel good. A little uncomfortable when I sit in the same chair for a while. I also wake up often in bed. However, I wouldn't trade this time for anything in the world. There were too many tears, prayers and meds for me to want this to be over. I want my baby, I want to find out if it's a boy or a girl and hold them in my arms. I want to begin the adventure of parenting more than anything. But when this baby comes it will mean that all that time i spent trying to get pregnant and then enjoying being pregnant will be over. And the anticipation will be done. So when baby is ready, I'll be ready. But there is no way I am going to rush him/her. I'm enjoying every part of this, particularly because I don't know when and if I'll be able to do this again.

I have a secret...

BFP! 13w4d today, scared as anything that something might go wrong. Being cautiously optimistic but trying not to think about it too much. So far, the NT test is normal, CF is negative, heartbeat is good (150 bpm this morning) and last time we did an ultrasound (at 11wks) he/she was moving like crazy. I'm praying to make it to each day and praying each day that things are ok. Pray with me. I can't believe I kept it a secret this long.

It's been a long time

I wasn't sure when I was going to post again. But here I am trying to start over. Hubby and I went on a wonderful vacation to see relatives and spend some time on the BEAUTIFUL beaches of Puerto Rico. Now we are home, sunburned and happy. It was nice to get away from everything for a couple of weeks and relax.

On the baby front we had our first RE appt. When I had my follow up with my OB in June she gave me a slip to have an HSG done at a local radiology clinic. She also gave us one for hubby to have his SA. When hubby went to an office that is covered by our insurance they told him, after charging him for the visit, that they didn't have a lab and he would have to go somewhere else, then come back with his results. That got me thinking. I hate the running around. The family practitioner that I had for most of my life had EVERYTHING in his office. It was a one stop shop and I prefer that. So, I searched our insurance site for a provider that was covered and started doing internet research. I came upon a clinic with a practitioner that has developed ground-breaking now standard IF techniques and who has been practicing for a long time. I called them up and it turns out that a) the doc himself does the HSG (which means no waiting around for results) and b) they do SA samples in office. I called up and made an appt.

The doctor himself called us from the waiting room into his office. He asked lots and lots of questions and in my opinion took a very thorough history. He then suggested that we have an ultrasound so we walked into another room and the doctor performed the ultrasound describing everything he saw. Including a growing follicle. Then we set up a treatment plan for the next few months. He was appalled that my OB had sent me off for 4 months with meds and no monitoring. He assured me that I would not be on my own and would be coming in for ultrasounds every month. He explained the plan to me, I repeated back to make sure I had all the instructions, and we double checked that we were on the same page. He thinks that because I'm young we'll wait another few months, using just c.lom.id., before we have an HSG or any invasive tests. I feel taken care of and listened to. I tend to prefer women doctors but I've had both in the past and he seems to really understand what he's doing.

So, in the past few days I began my cycle on my own (which hasn't happened in several months). Fertility frie.nd. says I ovulated last month but I'm not sure I believe her because she said the same thing when I was on the hormones and my new RE says that the OB gave me hormones that were cheating. So, I take it with a grain of salt. I need to call today to schedule my day 13 ultrasound. Pray with me that things begin to move forward for us. Thank you for sticking by me.

Thank you to all the ICLW who came and showed support last month. I truly thought I was ready to interact, to write and share, but once it was up I just couldn't come back. I couldn't even read the comments until today. The whole situation has just become more real and more painful. I shuffle back and forth between trusting in God and aching with such sadness that I can barely breathe. I have faith, strong faith, but I'm also human which means that I am fallible and I falter.

I've been very open with everyone around me regarding what's going on. My co-workers, family members, and friends. I have a strong circle of individuals praying for me, praying for healing, praying for the will of God to be done. When I sit and share with others I am not moved by the deep emotion behind my words. They come out like matter of fact statements that sound like mere updates. I really am learning a hard lesson in trust.

Today is cd13 with no changes through this "one more time" cycle of meds. Once this one ends (and I know it will) i'll have my HSG and hubby will have his SA. From there we meet with my OB who does basic infertility to find out our next step. I'm thinking injectables and IUI probably. We'll see.