"I could have been working hard. Real hard."

I have no idea why am I doing what I am doing. Oops I am feeling a little bit of hunger now. I starve myself, I eat lesser, bite size, as I said to convince everyone I am just trying to lose weight; as though I have been hit by a truck one day and woke up and decided I must be back at 48kg immediately. What a lie. What a joke. Deep down inside of me I am aware that part of the reason that I am in a rush to lose weight is him. I want to forget him, I want him to regret, I want him to feel he has missed the great chance of seeing a more-perfect me. I want to make him think of me. It's a self-pitying and self-mind washing kind of thing that I am doing now. He sees pretty much NOTHING.

Work wise, ahhh, it is absolutely affected as well. I lied to Dona. Come on, there were definitely moments at work I thought of him, be it random memory jumps or be it seeing some random guys that looked a lot like him. I didn't dare to talk to Jeff. CAN YOU IMAGINE HOW WILL HE RESPOND TO THIS WHOLE EPISODE OF MY LIFE? I honestly can't. Jeff being the logical and rational and mature one, he probably will strangle me to death with his words.