Not too sure what title I want to give to this post..

Met up with Chan on Thursday and confessed to her what exactly happened. Thankful that she didn't judge me but at the same time I knew what she was thinking as well; block that guy bah HL. I really just couldn't do it. There's so much at stake, I mean, my heart is, and that's a lot already. I know things might even go worse or what do you call it, 夜长梦多, but I really can't stop it right now. I don't quite know what to do but to come here and whine.

I thought about it and I am fully aware really nothing good will turn out from this. SO WHAT IF he returns and come for me? Will we be happy together? Are we loving each other for the sake of it and is that... really what I want? I mean.. there's God. My Father in heaven..

Will a father wants his daughter to be unhappy in her marriage? Will a father wishes for his daughter to be heartbroken? Obviously not. Then why do I willingly allow all these to happen and hurt my Daddy God? Will I choose the cross or the bulbarsaur? Will I choose God or love?

If we really move along this direction, the next time we meet, we are very likely to hold each other again. What's next? Anticipating? Waiting? Fear? Should the day come where he gets together with her, how hurt would I be? What is he thinking right now God, what is it?! But I know God don't approve of this, I am aware of my sin. My conscious sinfulness and guilt is qnawing at my heart every single day. How far would I go with this?

You definitely suit her, or rather, she is more suitable for you than I am. I have more reservations about this. I need God and I want God more than the hurt I am getting by wanting you.

IT WAS JUST AMAZING. IT WAS SUCH AN AMAZING NIGHT WITH RHON, DONA AND RACHEL!!!! I can't thank God for more:) it was like there were no worries and we were just there fully enjoying every single moment. Okay maybe not every moment cos I do realize sometimes something are only shared to that one person but it was alllllll good.

First met Dona then told him about mum, then Chan came and then sashimi and how funny it was that it was the two girls that ordered alcohol and the guy ordered a COKE. -.- Dona seriously? Haha. And then we just walked to SMU and back to fetch dear Rhonda and went to switch.

Switch was really awesome cos food and live band. REALLY AND THAT CUTE BUTCH!!! AHHH I am in love. HAHAHA. The songs were good too basically everything was gooooooood. Haha, funny how Dona smiled at those real moments. I am happy when he is happy.

I thank God for such an amazing night and it all started from SAJC. What's there to hate about SA life when I got such awesome friends. And then my dear wife and I just had to talk haha.

The 9 years spent together count. It really do. The vibes you can on with each other, the connection that draws you together is so well connected you understand each other fully and instantly, there's so ,ice love and tolerance for each other it's just amazing. I guess that's why I can understand why Wilson can't give up on her. But, having said that, still hate. Meh. Haha. It's a lot of comfort, a lot of joy and satisfaction gained by spending time with each other. It's a level high above peaceful stream kind of friendship; it's thirst quenching satisfying super constant dynamic like those beautiful waterfall kind of friendship. Hahaha. I love it. (Damn when I say I love it I just think of him and I can understand why he would love her too CRAP)

But work is worrying, no close how? Need more production now. SP!!!!!!

In 2016, I gave my heart to the wrong person and I dragged it to 2017. Not only so, after dragging it the guy show signs of disappearing out of my life. Am I hurt? Yes, absolutely. Do I want him back? Yes, I do. Nevertheless, I am more clear than anyone that he's not coming back when the girl is with him. We can chitchat but how far can this go? We can be friends but what is th value of this friendship? So much for saying or telling me to be his illy girl and best friend. You used the 'cheap talk' and I choose to take it. I chose to let you lead the way when I could have taken it over.

I want to say I did my part but you don't need me in your life anymore. You really don't. You probably don't even see the value or remember there was once this girl in your life. You are very much ready to move on to her. Joey was right, you already warned me; just putting it in a very nice way.

I really hope the girl can leave but looking at how laggy you text me, I know you swung there full fledged already. What a wrong timing, what a painful tear for me, how far have you misled me?

I very much want to judge the girl, very much wishing God will come in to stop the relationship between the two of you but I ma being selfish and I am trying to play god for my benefit, for my consolation which obviously God frobids. But who, is to take care of me? Am I not trusting God? Enough?

I love You God I truly do but the desire or the temptation I fell into simply played me to make me wanting revenge God. What am I to do with this? Actually, honestly, I am just wanting for wanting. I am just desiring for desiring. There's nothing out of this. Moving on is hard but I definitely can do this one la I just dragging my feet. I hate losing I really hate it God. A check with my heart, I know You are testing something. You probably want me to recognize that I still have a part of me not molded by You, You probably want me to do something about that, You probably want me to be more like You in that area, You want a part to play in that area but I am taking control. Well, I know. I confess it now that I know. So what do You want me to do God?

A talk with Lewis and we both know what bosses are trying to do. Phrasing out and making space for new ones. To grow. I do not know how is it will be like for me but I am seeing the fire coming from afar. I need to pick up my pace right now. I need more help and assistance from Jeff. God I beg You to help me in this. Ultimately I need to succeed in this line to help my family financially and more time for my mum. More time, to practice love. More time to be molded by You for my family.

The love from God to my family will be wonders isn't it. I do recognize that there are many things I can do and I am in control, 'I can do all things through Christ who strengthen me'. I know that is true. Practice that Hui Ling. There's so much you can do than this. Trust God, trust yourself.

But I really hate this God, I truly hate this. Why can they be a happy couple but not with me God? Why???? And why let me get into his life when they eventually will get together what kind of test is that? And then why let me watch them God? Why?

The hurt is real. I hate this.

How interesting it is that I actually set out that as the theme for my blog - get my things right - . I don't know since when I was never exactly confident of my choices anymore; I was somehow aware, they were not the right choices. Wilson, choosing other commitments over EOE classes, getting overly jealous over Dona's friends and many other smaller ones I kinda forget. Along the way, many came in to point out the mistakes but I refused to listen. The red flags planted in my journey I ignored them all. Coming to this point, at this age, after spending some time with a client today I realised I need to move on from that stage of uncertainty because of silly decisions to making my path right again. Why give up on the things I love for anyone that don't treasure me as much? I gave in to certain people, I desired to do what they do learn what they love just so that I can get closer to them. I learnt guitar and took the chance to go closer to Jerome. I guilt trip Dona just so that he would make the effort to spend more time with me. I portrayed myself to be more like someone I think he will like to get him hooked. It's not difficult at all for me but I went out of my way or rather I didn't know how to love or appreciate who I am first before I did these.

Silly.

Love shouldn't be that way. God didn't mean it that way. He didn't do things to please people just so that He can gain back their love. He do things that are right and necessary. He defined love. He is love. If I love someone for real and I want it in return, it should be because God is in it too.

but You love me anyway