Be ourselves, without apology~*

 And so, the earth has (almost) made yet another trip around the sun. 

Some things just don't change

And in an increasingly unpredictable world, I appreciate the constants - one of which being my end-of-year reflections/ramblings 

[The next section was written without much thought put into the organisation, so once again, please forgive the messiness]

~*

1. Things I learnt from my plants

For those of you who don't know, I'm a proud owner of 9 potted plants (3 of which were recently acquired). 

And for those of you who don't know, I do not have green fingers, and am known at my workplace for being a plant killer (long story, but it was during one of those 'fun facts' bingo sessions where I was sabo-ed to reveal this intimate detail about myself).

Anyhow, I started gardening (??) during COVID, when I realised I needed an offline/non-screen-related hobby to stop myself from being glued to screens at all time. 

So far, I've killed several plants, but there are also a few that have managed to survive for a few years. Since I've talked about how Miyu inspires me, this time, I shall talk about life lessons that my plants have taught me over the years.

(a) Don't underestimate how hardy/tough one can get

I sometimes forget how hardy and tough plants can get. There were a few in particular, which I thought wouldn't live past the next few weeks given how feeble and sick they looked. But they proved me wrong, and went on to live (I'd like to think) happy lives. 

On the other hand, those sturdy looking ones are sometimes the first to go.

(b) When you drown something in love, you risk killing it

Case in point - I actually managed to kill a supposedly indestructible moonshine snake plant by overwatering it. The irony is that I was trying to increase its chance of survival when I went overseas. 

Sometimes, plants thrive on neglect. But ultimately, it's all about finding that sweet spot. 

(c) When it's time to let go, you have no choice but to let it go 

Labelling me as 'plant-killer' makes me seem heartless. But to be honest, my heart breaks a little every time a plant dies. After all, it was a life that I'd spent time with and somehow ended (directly or indirectly). 

No matter how distraught I get, I still have to take a shovel and empty the pot into a bag to throw it away.

And move on.

Though it doesn't get easier over time.

Regardless, thank you, dear plants, for those precious lessons. I can only hope your owner will internalise all of that and apply them in all areas of life.

2. Things I learnt from humans 

There were also a few takeaways from my recent interactions with humans:

(a) Perception = reality

Especially when the person is very confident of his/her judgment of the situation. Most of the time, I think perceptions matter much more than objective reality (if such a thing exists). 

Which brings me to the next learning point ...

(b) Sometimes, intentions may not matter

How many of us would pause to consider the person's intention when making a judgment about the person/the situation? 

Should we even be considering one's intention? 

Personally, I do take intention into account, but it is incredibly difficult. Given how unobservable these intentions are, I'm essentially giving people the benefit of the doubt. 

So it goes back to whether we choose trust over mistrust.

(c) A healthy dose of skepticism is ok, I guess

I'm not sure if it's an age thing, but I find myself growing increasingly skeptical of many things. 

I often ask myself if I am more of a skeptic or a cynic.

It does take quite a bit of wisdom not to turn into a cynic, I think, and I wonder if I have that in me.

3. Things that impacted me in one way or another

This year has been a rather interesting one, punctuated with several memorable events (all of which are non-work related HEH). Since I'm feeling a little more open today, here's a mindless listing: 

(a) Attending concerts (Coldplay, TS, Cellography, Sakamoto Ryuichi (was so deeply moved that I teared while wearing the giant VR headset), BoA (nostalgia overdose))

(b) Doing interesting activities (Kintsugi, chocolate-making, mini-golf (which I suck at), Ghibli exhibition, Harry Potter exhibition, reformer pilates (tough but rewarding), yoga)

(c) Going places (friends' new homes, vinyl cafe(!), outpost hotel (lovely place for staycay, though mine was with T haha), KANAZAWA-TAKAYAMA-TOYAMA (absolutely beautiful))

(d) Attending notable events (MW's wedding (beautiful <3 yet incredibly tiring), WC's wedding (lovely!), H's wedding (my first Muslim wedding))

(e) Playing games (FFVII REBIRTH (still my all-time fav RPG), FFXVI, Metaphor (loving it), Little Nightmares series (highly recommended for horror buffs), FFVII original, T&L (fun to play with colleagues, though I'm really just being the burden haha))

(f) Watching shows (too many to list, but the really good ones are - Dandadan (my fav anime of the year, but that could be a recency bias haha), Frieren (was it finished last year though?), MONSTER (thought-provoking and thrilling), EVANGELION (I know I already talked about it but can I just emphasise again how life-changing it was for me?), Mad Men (I didn't think I'd like this series but I love it!), SVU (my staple now), Long Legs (super disturbing), Love Letter (rewatched it after hearing about Nakayama Miho's passing...)

(g) Reading (notable ones include - THE CITY AND ITS UNCERTAIN WALLS (Murakami Haruki; 20% through and it just keeps evoking waves and waves of mixed emotions), A perfect day to be alone (Nanae Aoyama), Dead-end memories (Banana Yoshimoto; so achingly beautiful), Days at the Morisaki Bookshop (Satoshi Yagisawa), Think again (Adam Grant; it's a chore for me to get through non-fiction books but this is a really good read), The dictionary of obscure sorrows (John Koenig; just the title alone makes my heart skip a little)) 

(h) Listening to music (unlike the past where I obsessed over particular artistes, this year I mostly listened to theme songs of anime series/ movies; memorable ones include EVA OST, and songs by Fujii Kaze, Mr Children, Kenshi Yonezu, Utada Hikaru, TS, milet, Laufey (super love her voice))

(i) Spending time with people I want to spend time with  

Looking back, I'm even more convinced that I seek meaning in life through the little joys, however wu eh bo eh these seem. 

4. Things I will work on 

I often wonder why people seem to attach a negative connotation to the status quo.

It's as if we MUST strive for some kind of improvement, some kind of change, or life isn't worth living. 

This may make sense in the context of stagnation, or choosing to stagnate, but what if what we mean is preserving what we have now?

In fact, in face of the rapidly changing world, where we're all slowly decaying and dying (morbid as it sounds), preserving what we have is likely going to take extra effort. 

While I know I'm setting the bar super low, I think this is going to be my focus for the next year - 

preserving what little goodness I have in me, protecting my already incredibly flawed self from further degradation, preserving the little health/fitness gains I've made this year, maintaining my sanity and little inner peace that I can still find from time to time, maintaining my relationships with people whom I care about...

It's like what I said last year, living is difficult, and simply being able to stay alive amidst the crazy chaos around us, is already an achievement in and of itself.

Maybe it's ok not to aim for lofty goals or noble ambitions. 

Maybe it's ok to let go.

Maybe it's ok to just be. 

And enjoy the moment as is. 

5. 

That brings this lovely song to mind - Overflowing by Fujii Kaze

"Letting go,

feeling lighter,

becoming filled ..."

(turn on the subs:))

With that, great job for surviving another year and onward to 2025! 

May you be as you are and I remain as I am. 

Words I heard/ said/ remembered~*

[Random thoughts accumulated over the past months + a sudden urge to put them down + I don't have a lot of energy to write = my writing is going to be really lazy, please pardon me.]

1. "There's more to life than work."

It suddenly dawned on me that, probably only the privileged are able to say this.  

And emotions such as boredom are really a... luxury. 

2. "I'm thankful that I didn't grow up with social media."

Unless you count Friendster and MSN as social media... hmm, well, I guess they are sort of like SNS, but you get what I mean. 

I think if I were to have that kind of access to SNS like I do now, I probably would've turned out very differently. Possibly very, very messed up (even more messed up than I currently am, heh). 

So I really don't envy the adolescents who have to navigate through the nonsense. I know there are pluses, but honestly speaking, when I look at the impact it has on adults who have perfectly developed (I think) prefrontal cortexes, I wonder how detrimental it could be on the younger ones. 

Cliched as it sounds, I really do miss the simpler days. 

3. "As long as the Earth, Sun, and Moon exist, everything will be alright" 

EVANGELION. Where do I even start?

I finally watched the rebuild movie series, which was so good, and triggered so many thoughts and emotions, that I went back to devour the entire Neon Genesis Evangelion, followed by Death (True)2 and End of Evangelion. AGAIN.

And once again, I was completely blown away. 

When you strip the series to its core (heh), I think it's fundamentally about the pain of living and forming relationships, and finding ways to overcome that pain - the hedgehog dilemma indeed.

And layered upon that core are layers and layers of despair, hope, fear ... basically emotions and intimacy (and horror) in all forms.

I think this is definitely one series that has impacted me very profoundly.

"It all returns to nothing 

It all comes tumbling down 

Tumbling down, tumbling down 

It all returns to nothing 

I just keep letting me down

 Letting me down, letting me down"

- 'Komm Susser Tod' by Arianne (insert song for End of Evangelion - my recent earworm)

4. "... where there will be no end."

On a random day, at a random time, I suddenly remembered something I once said/wrote a long long time ago, which surprised even myself. 

After taking a long time to process the words, the timeline of events, the feelings, I suddenly wanted to laugh.

Laugh, not because there's anything funny, but because of the absurdity of it all.

Absurd, not because of what happened, but because of how all these "insights" were gained DECADES (ALMOST) late.

A special someone once said, "Regrets are insights gained a moment too late" (something to this effect)

And to think it's only NOW that I realise the full impact of what I'd done (and not done), and the full extent of my immaturity, selfishness, and unreasonableness.

Which, in turn, made me realise that,

I actually don't deserve this (you), and for you to remain in my life, you're actually doing me a favour... 

And that really changed my perspective towards a lot of things. 

Regardless of the form it takes, I still wish that you could utilise the permission; you know there's no expiration date (until I expire, that is, haha).

5. "What if... I am still who I was?"

"That's not such a bad thing, is it?"

Is it not? 

6. "How well do I know you?"

Absolutely stumped me, before I launched into a lengthy explanation about the context-dependent self (selves?)

Maybe the simpler explanation would be - Rei I, Rei II, Rei III... (ref. Evangelion) - there are imperfect clones of me. Everywhere.

7. 

I miss the honesty. 

(Correction - I miss the openness) 

Leaving it at 7 because. 

I think the night is playing awful tricks on my mind (but I'm really OK, since I have a (I think) relatively well-formed prefrontal cortex, hah).

Oh, and Happy National Day!  

18x2 (-2)~*

When the credits started rolling, so did the tears (internally). 

When the first few chords came on, my hands trembled a little and something sank a little.

When I started processing the lyrics, my heart wrenched, and a deep sadness washed over me. 

"Memories are always too beautiful, gentle, and painful..." 

 

記憶の旅人 (Kioku no tabibito) by Mr Children    

As I reflected, something similar (yet not quite) came to mind - 'Five centimeters per second' by Makoto Shinkai (which I've probably mentioned 2772 times, and I daresay in some aspects, it might be better than Your Name), and I went back to rewatch it.

10 years on, this poignant film (and music) still brings me a lot of heartache. 

But I think I am better able to understand and appreciate the film in its entirety. 

For the first time, I caught that glimmer of hope at the end of the depressing turn of events.

Heartachingly beautiful 

"命が繰り返すならば  何度も君のもとへ 

 欲しいものなど もう 何もない  

君のほかに大切なものなど"

(on a completely random sidenote, I just found out that I could embed Spotify links here, wow, just how suaku can I get)

[Edit: Since I mentioned the movie, I should provide a sneak preview too]