[this is an exceptionally difficult post to write... which took many long pauses, many 'undo's, many deep sighs, me twisting my face out of shape a couple of times (thanks to Aomame from '1Q84'), much hesitance... and hence, a long time. Again, the timeline may be slightly confusing, so, it's ok if you can't understand the order (or the content). Neither can I.]
1. hanabi
She said, "I really like fireworks! In Japanese, it's called 'Hanabi'. So pretty!"
With every explosion in the sky, a deep resonance was felt in the depths of my heart,
and memories got dislodged from the deepest corners.
And something flooded me with something.
Anyway, thank you T-chan, despite the INSANE crowds.
(On a side note, I think this is the only kind of explosion humans should witness (and maybe the amazing explosion scene in Oppenheimer))
2. 21, 8, 11, 18, 9, 12... (among many others)
"Yes, it was beautiful indeed. Every single moment of it," he said.
Recently, I've been feeling the something very profoundly, very clearly, and very painfully.
I went back, I searched, I re-lived it, I felt it deeply, and I reflected...
The potentiality of it, the actuality of it, the words that were unspoken, the heart that was suspended...
What have I done?
And then,
What am I trying to do?
That something.
It ebbs and flows;
at times, it caresses you softly, and other times, it slaps you right where it hurts the most.
Because something happened.
Because the strong waves washed up the chest of memories that were locked away all those years ago.
Because...
3. regression (not the mathematical kind)
"Because I have you, I have..." she trailed off.
I've regressed.
You would think that 30+ years of living would teach me how to regulate emotions better, how to rationalise and manage emotions... or at the very least, know how to label emotions.
But alas, here I am, stuck in a whirlwind of... something that I can't give a name to.
And there's the rumination about something I can absolutely do nothing about, which fuels the frustration, upon layers and layers of complex feelings that should remain
unrealised,
unseen,
unheard,
unknown...
(yet, here I am)
4. hidden
He asked, "If you could go back to a particular timepoint, when would it be?" (something along this line)
There was a veil;
I wasn't able to see you clearly, and neither was I able to let you see me clearly.
Everything was seemingly aligned; I smiled, and so did you.
But there was a veil
of something.
5.
"Despite it all. Here we are," she said.
"Perhaps in some other alternate universe. Someplace with 2 moons. A different story unfolded?" he chuckled (I assumed).
I blame 1Q84 for this.
~*~*
[I hadn't intended for it to sound more bitter than sweet. So here is the sweet(er) counterpart.]
6. 10s, 20s, 30s
"What happened? Your face is like a bittergourd," he remarked.
Things I'd forgotten.
"Look at the beautiful sunrise!" she exclaimed.
Things I wish I'd never forget.
Recently, I spoke to various people who have accompanied me throughout my 10s-30s.
And it struck me that,
if I were to line 3 prototypical Jas's in her 10s, 20s and 30s, would I see more similarities than differences?
Would I find an unchanging core? What would that be?
That aside, the fact that there are people who have been with me, and are still journeying with me, who have seen me at my worst (I think I was incredibly childish, erratic and unlovable) and my best (??) really warms me up from within.
Because why would anyone stick around? Aren't there better things to do? Better people to invest your time and effort in?
7. Because.
"If you can love someone with your whole heart, even one person, then there's salvation in life..."
― Haruki Murakami, 1Q84
放开的手 接住了我
不离不弃 不曾更改
...
原来爱一直都在
― 韋禮安, 一直都在
