"It's a thin line between reflection and rumination..."
I think as I grow older, I seem to have less time for reflections.
Constantly bombarded with endless tasks, responsibilities, "serious" matters that are perhaps part and parcel of adulting.
And perhaps, my "ritual" of penning down some reflections on NYE is my way of making time to take stock of all that's happened, and to sieve out the memorable and meaningful amongst heaps of nonsense (important but less meaningful matters).
1. goodbye, random things (that I wish weren't random)
Time still remains a bizarre concept to me, despite the end to many COVID restrictions. I can no longer seem to see the boundaries across years, and it's likely due to my deteriorating memory.
I wonder if I'm maxing out my memory space.
And I wonder if there's an effective/efficient method to select memories to store, and memories to delete.
There's a nagging feeling that I'm slowly forgetting the important things, events, people who contributed to jasmine version 2022.
Or rather, memories no longer seem to have the sharp edges/ HD resolution that they used to have.
Maybe it's for the better,
though deep down, I wish to embrace everything as they come,
and as they leave.
2. goodbye, innocence
As we age, we learn more - about the world, about others, and about ourselves.
And the more we know, the more difficult it is to hide behind the veil of ignorance.
Happiness is no longer unidimensional; it can take on a tinge of bitterness, splash of anxiety, or quiet melancholy (and ditto for the other seemingly unidimensional emotions).
And life gets less black/white, and more grey. Definitely more grey.
I wonder if seeing greyness = being morally ambiguous, or it simply means we're growing to be more accepting of people, of flaws and disappointments, of mistakes.
Of one another.
3. goodbye 2022
Finally, the "zhong dian".
This year has been a largely "meh" year, with a few notable events (by most people's definition), but I don't think these helped me grow emotionally and psychologically in a way that I'd hoped.
Instead, I am grateful for the little things (by most people's definition) that have made my heart feel fuller.
Let me do a brainless listing: family, Miyu, Umi (new kitten), Yuuki, friends (great catch-ups!), amazing shows (e.g., Better Call Saul, Drive My Car, First Love, Parasyte), games (FF7 Crisis Core), music (e.g., Ryuichi Sakamoto, Milet, Yoasobi, Weibird), good food & drinks (e.g., aburi anything, matcha/houjicha almost-anything, fragrant cold brew), World Cup, books (e.g., Breast & Eggs, All the Lovers in the Night, Lonely Castle in the Mirror), travelling (Kyoto, finally)...
It's the little things. It's always the little things.
Although the big things are fulfilling in their own practical ways, it's the little things that make life worth living, that bring colours to the otherwise sadly and coldly monochromatic life.
And I am grateful for that.
To everything and everyone who was part of my "little things" this year, thank you.
And may 2023 be another year where great memories are made.
Cheers to strength, good health, friendships, & love.
