[Note: I came back here because it is still a safe haven for me (besides my mind, which is cluttered and not exactly the best place to be at this point).
It's like talking to an old friend who smiles gently and nods empathetically while I pour out my emotions in vague expressions... no need for specifics.]
0.25.
Crimson, sapphire, olive, brown, mustard, beige, black...
I never knew that we could attach colours to the intensity and quality of pain.
That day,
I saw kaleidoscopes of colours.
They appeared all at once in a brief moment,
then grew, and faded,
came and went...
leaving streaks and swirls of different combinations of colours
with different accompanying emotions.
The sharp pain & panic
The dull ache & sadness
Alternated, oscillated...
Everything else retreated further and further...
as my heart silently broke into millions of pieces of different colours.
It must have been a truly magnificent sight.
How beautiful.
How melancholic.
How heartrending.
And I knew then,
that this is what pain for a loved one looks and feels like...
0.50.
When something as devastating as this happens,
you realise that
... nothing else really matters.
It quickly puts things in perspective, and makes you question your very fundamental beliefs about life, your pursuits in life, and your so-called priorities that suddenly seem utterly self-centered, trivial and meaningless...
I'd do anything, anything at all
to take your place and bear your pain.
Anything at all...
0.75. A pile of dead bodies
On a long bus ride home, a strange imagery came to mind:
I was jogging along the running track, blissfully oblivious to everything that was happening around me.
But something prompted me to look back, and when I did,
a pile of dead bodies greeted me.
Who have I left behind?
What have I left behind?
What have I killed, hurt, and abandoned?
Who was left struggling to catch up but was never able to?
At that moment, I realised that,
when we talk about making sacrifices in our pursuit of...xxx
we're often referring to people whom we could "sacrifice".
And more often than not, these are the very people who would try their utmost to catch up with us.
What have I done...?
What have you done...?
For me, the moment that prompted me to look back was a painful one - at the cost of someone's happiness and health.
And I wonder why I've always needed that jolt of pain to wake me up from oblivion.
I need to wake up.
0.9.
Sometimes I wonder how much anguish and sadness one's heart (mind) can take before it succumbs to the exhaustion, hurt and the injuries...
"Sorry, human, I'm done trying."
flatline-d.
"Maybe it's for the best."
~*~*
[The rest of the content is all over the place, written before the aforementioned incident happened. Again, the points were written at different time points. Hence, they may seem incoherent.
Then again, that's probably what defines me too.]
1.
C O M P A R T M E N T A L I S E
Y O U R
H E A R T
I've slowly come to realise how essential this skill is.
And it's not the same as dissociation.
You're present, it's just that, that you isn't this you, isn't that you, isn't this you.
Although you might run into difficulties trying to find something unifying to explain all the yous across contexts, it provides protection for the other yous that are hidden away.
Why hide, one may wonder.
Why hide, I wonder.
2. Quiet.
If I were to highlight anything remotely positive about covid, it would be the tranquility that CB afforded us (me).
For the first time in a long while, I was able to hear my own voice and thoughts, uncontaminated by the noise of the outside physical world.
But of course, it got even noisier in the virtual world.
Anyhow, it made me realise how redundant and unnecessary some of the noises had been.
Did we really need to vocalise our thoughts?
Did we really need to shout into one another's ears?
There are always so many distractions around us that hinder or prevent us from introspecting and thinking about things that really matter.
But, maybe distractions are exactly what some of us really need.
Without them, we're naked, vulnerable, raw.
Painful to see, touch, feel.
It's too quiet.
3. Plague Inc.
I enjoyed playing this game tremendously. It was fun strategizing ways to infect the world.
But I could never imagine it happening in real life.
It was like a plot out of some doomsday movie.
A movie you never expected to be a part of.
Enough said.
30.
A milestone year.
Yet, strangely enough, it's also the year where I've been standing utterly still.
Not an inch.
In this strange year, time has taken on a bizarre quality - it's seemingly expanding and contracting at the same time.
C O M P A R T M E N T A L I S E
Y O U R
H E A R T
I've slowly come to realise how essential this skill is.
And it's not the same as dissociation.
You're present, it's just that, that you isn't this you, isn't that you, isn't this you.
Although you might run into difficulties trying to find something unifying to explain all the yous across contexts, it provides protection for the other yous that are hidden away.
Why hide, one may wonder.
Why hide, I wonder.
2. Quiet.
If I were to highlight anything remotely positive about covid, it would be the tranquility that CB afforded us (me).
For the first time in a long while, I was able to hear my own voice and thoughts, uncontaminated by the noise of the outside physical world.
But of course, it got even noisier in the virtual world.
Anyhow, it made me realise how redundant and unnecessary some of the noises had been.
Did we really need to vocalise our thoughts?
Did we really need to shout into one another's ears?
There are always so many distractions around us that hinder or prevent us from introspecting and thinking about things that really matter.
But, maybe distractions are exactly what some of us really need.
Without them, we're naked, vulnerable, raw.
Painful to see, touch, feel.
It's too quiet.
3. Plague Inc.
I enjoyed playing this game tremendously. It was fun strategizing ways to infect the world.
But I could never imagine it happening in real life.
It was like a plot out of some doomsday movie.
A movie you never expected to be a part of.
Enough said.
30.
A milestone year.
Yet, strangely enough, it's also the year where I've been standing utterly still.
Not an inch.
In this strange year, time has taken on a bizarre quality - it's seemingly expanding and contracting at the same time.
Have I been left behind,
or have I made the choice to be left behind?
No matter,
it has also opened my eyes to the truly essential things in life,
and reminded me of the weight of being 30.
I hope with age, comes not only wisdom (that I sorely lack), but also resilience, and a less hollow heart.
Most importantly, the strength to fight battles alongside my loved ones.
To a stronger 30yo self.
