To living and loving~*

(note: this post sat in my list of drafts for 6 freaking months, and I've been making edits here and there, whenever I feel like writing something. So, the timeline might seem a little off.)

Rejoice! It's the first post of 2019 (and we're already approaching the end of the year)!

It's getting increasingly harder to pen down my thoughts; there's just too much inertia.
Sometimes, I prefer to let them float over my head, leaving no trace behind.

Or so I thought.

~*

1. Insecurities.

I think deep down, we all have them. 

They take different forms, and are on a spectrum of destruction and ferocity. 

On one end, there are insecurities that cripple you and render you utterly helpless; those that make you resort to extreme measures in order to quell your fears. 

On the other end, there are others that are mildly disturbing and give you that occasional nip; those that lurk in the dark (and stay relatively dormant most of the time). 

Recently, I have started to get to know my insecurities a little better.

And all I can say is that, 

those things are ugly,

and could potentially be very toxic. 

I wish for them to stay dormant. 

2. Actions and consequences. 

"...where cause and effect bleed into each other."

I recently attended a rather interesting course, and the trainer spoke at length about complexity. 

Anyhow, that line just kept circling around in my mind - what does it mean for cause and effect to bleed into each other? 

I suppose it happens in instances where a cause can, in turn, be an effect, and vice versa.

And it really isn't that uncommon, is it? 

Life is strange in so many unpredictable ways.

And recently, the past managed to catch up with me, leading me to reflect upon my past actions, and how they'd led to the consequences I'm facing today.

The past never really passes, does it? 

3. 2019

Same old, same old.

The boundaries between the years are getting less and less clear.

I cannot seem to remember when something took place. 

"I think I did this last year... wait, or was it early this year?" 

Anyhow, recently (sorry for lack of  precision in pinpointing the timing), I've done more than live in my own head, bury myself in work and mope around pondering about life. 

a. Netflix

Someone once told me that Netflix is evil, and I can see why he said that. 

It's so awesome and toxic at the same time.

Finally, I am able to feed my hunger for the dark, psychologically thrrrrrrilling shows (EVANGELION, Gantz, Tokyo Ghoul, Kakegurui, Hannibal, Black Mirror, Bates Motel, among many others).

I've also started watching other witty shows (e.g., Suits), exciting shows (e.g., Breaking Bad, Attack on Titan, Akame ga Kill), hilarious shows (e.g., shokugeki, Brooklyn 99), moving shows (Fruits Basket remake!!!!!) and a whole bunch of random documentaries.

It really has the potential to suck you into an alternate reality of sorts.

b. Cello
I've finally decided to pick up cello again (after procrastinating for almost 3 years), and have been dragging my lazy ass to the far west for lessons.
And I have to say, tiring as it may be (physically), it's also extremely invigorating (mentally).
It's a beautiful feeling - to be able to hear cello-chan sing again.

It's only when I started playing that I realised how much I needed it.

An escape from the mundane...? Probably.

c. Meet-ups
As a 100% introvert (evidenced by my shocking results on personality questionnaires), I will try all means to avoid socialising (if I can), because it can really take a toll on me. However, I also find myself seeking out such opportunities, if it involves my close friends.

Thank you, close friends, for staying with me,

through it all.

d. Novels
You know, I can't live without some element of fiction in my life.
And as you know, Murakami is still one of the loves of my life.

Killing Commendatore took me on a wild ride - in and out of reality, unbounded by any logic or rationality, if you know what I mean.

Besides that, I've also been reading A Sense of an Ending by Julian Barnes... a very sobering novel (for me, at least) about how deceiving your version of reality can be, and the entire process of trying to make sense of everything that has happened in our lives - the delusions and lies, the pains that we've tried to bury and push out of our consciousness, the way the past comes back to haunt you.

“It strikes me that this may be one of the differences between youth and age: 

when we are young, 

we invent different futures for ourselves; 

when we are old, 

we invent different pasts for others.”

- Julian Barnes, A Sense of an Ending

4. Fill your heart 

Love the unlovable

How do you do that? 

How do you accept so easily?

How do you find the right words?

How do you ease the pain? 

How do you know...? 

I think, to a certain extent, we're all seeking for that deep connection with a special someone.

Something that can fill our hearts

Maybe, in order to live, we all need to continuously fill our hearts with meaning, feelings, and connections.

As time passes, the heart gets weary and the void grows,
and we'll try to find something to fill that void.

However, some of us might not know what we should be filling our hearts with - we fill them up with beautiful, but dark and dangerous things.

The heart is so fragile. 

And when you find that something special which fills your heart almost effortlessly,

you know that

you're going to hold onto that precious something.


~*~*

[Updated on 1 Jan 2020]

And so, a new year begins.

I think I must've said this many times, but I still think that it's a little delusional to think that it marks a "new beginning".

"It feels like any other day." 

Indeed, it does.
But that doesn't mean it's not something special and worth celebrating.

Just like any other day.

Instead of thinking about the new year, why don't we think about it as a new day?

A precious day ahead - isn't that something worth celebrating and be grateful for, every single day?

How many tomorrows do we have?
How many sunrises would we be able to catch?
How much further would we be able to walk?

How much time do we have left...? 

This took a pretty depressing turn, but you get the idea.

Within the limited time that we have,
how do we want to spend the rest of our lives? 

To live and love with no regrets.

Just 
a little more kindness, 
a little more courage,
a little more self-love... 

Here's to living and loving.

Happy 2020!