2020???~*

It's the time for reflections again, and here I am, thinking, introspecting... trying very hard to think of appropriate adjectives to describe this strange year. 

But this year just simply 

d r a w s 

a 

b l a n k. 

It's strange. 

While it seems like a non-existent year (with me hardly making any progress in all aspects of my life), it's also a year filled with challenges. 

So technically, I can't say that it's non-existent since it's been quite eventful... in all the wrong ways. 

Despite the bizarreness of the year, I must say that I did learn 3 things. 

1. on falling.

I learnt that you should never assume that you've hit rock bottom until you hear that undeniable sound of your bones shattering, your heart crushing, your entire self unravelling... 

coming undone. 

And even so, you can't be sure if you'd keep on falling. 

And you don't know how much deeper, darker you could go. 

2. on getting up. 

I learnt that although it's difficult, it can be done. 

This year taught me that the heart really doesn't stop that easily (reference: Murakami). 

You could feel completely resigned and battered, and yet, still find that tiny flicker of hope to hold onto. 

Desperately holding on to it. 

But I'm keenly aware that this isn't something everyone is equipped to do... and it breaks my heart. 

I could only wish for all of us to find our source of strength, and hold on to it. It takes so many different forms and there really isn't any "right" way to go about doing it (except cases where you end up hurting others). 

For me, my source of pain through the dark period this year was also my source of strength. And that's OK, as long as it gives you something to fight for and to live for. 

3. on carrying on. 

Given the extraordinariness of this year, which will likely carry on to the next, there really isn't much to do except to... 

do our best to live. 

And by living, it shouldn't be merely surviving. 

I hope all of us will be able to, within the confines of so many restrictions, 

find time to dream,

find space to run, dance, leap, 

find a channel to convey our deepest fears (and also our greatest hopes) 

find meaning in the littlest things,

find our purpose through the mundane, the magnificent, the unexpected,

and most importantly,

find our strength to live. 

Only then, will we be ready to face 2021 head-on.  

OK, 2021, let's do this. 

On pain and others~*

[Note: I came back here because it is still a safe haven for me (besides my mind, which is cluttered and not exactly the best place to be at this point). 

It's like talking to an old friend who smiles gently and nods empathetically while I pour out my emotions in vague expressions... no need for specifics.]

0.25. 

Crimson, sapphire, olive, brown, mustard, beige, black... 

I never knew that we could attach colours to the intensity and quality of pain. 

That day, 

I saw kaleidoscopes of colours. 

They appeared all at once in a brief moment, 

then grew, and faded, 

came and went...

 

leaving streaks and swirls of different combinations of colours

with different accompanying emotions. 

The sharp pain & panic

The dull ache & sadness 

Alternated, oscillated...

Everything else retreated further and further... 

as my heart silently broke into millions of pieces of different colours. 

It must have been a truly magnificent sight. 

How beautiful. 

How melancholic. 

How heartrending.

And I knew then, 

that this is what pain for a loved one looks and feels like... 

0.50.

When something as devastating as this happens, 

you realise that 

... nothing else really matters. 

It quickly puts things in perspective, and makes you question your very fundamental beliefs about life, your pursuits in life, and your so-called priorities that suddenly seem utterly self-centered, trivial and meaningless... 

I'd do anything, anything at all

to take your place and bear your pain. 

Anything at all... 

0.75. A pile of dead bodies

On a long bus ride home, a strange imagery came to mind:

I was jogging along the running track, blissfully oblivious to everything that was happening around me.
But something prompted me to look back, and when I did,

a pile of dead bodies greeted me.

Who have I left behind?
What have I left behind?
What have I killed, hurt, and abandoned?

Who was left struggling to catch up but was never able to?

At that moment, I realised that,
when we talk about making sacrifices in our pursuit of...xxx
we're often referring to people whom we could "sacrifice".

And more often than not, these are the very people who would try their utmost to catch up with us.

What have I done...? 
What have you done...?

For me, the moment that prompted me to look back was a painful one - at the cost of someone's happiness and health.

And I wonder why I've always needed that jolt of pain to wake me up from oblivion.

I need to wake up. 

0.9. 

Sometimes I wonder how much anguish and sadness one's heart (mind) can take before it succumbs to the exhaustion, hurt and the injuries... 

"Sorry, human, I'm done trying." 

flatline-d. 

"Maybe it's for the best." 

~*~*

[The rest of the content is all over the place, written before the aforementioned incident happened. Again, the points were written at different time points. Hence, they may seem incoherent.

Then again, that's probably what defines me too.]

1.
C O M P A R T M E N T A L I S E

Y O U R

H E A R T

I've slowly come to realise how essential this skill is.

And it's not the same as dissociation.

You're present, it's just that, that you isn't this you, isn't that you, isn't this you.

Although you might run into difficulties trying to find something unifying to explain all the yous across contexts, it provides protection for the other yous that are hidden away.

Why hide, one may wonder.

Why hide, I wonder.


2. Quiet.

If I were to highlight anything remotely positive about covid, it would be the tranquility that CB afforded us (me).

For the first time in a long while, I was able to hear my own voice and thoughts, uncontaminated by the noise of the outside physical world.

But of course, it got even noisier in the virtual world.

Anyhow, it made me realise how redundant and unnecessary some of the noises had been.

Did we really need to vocalise our thoughts? 
Did we really need to shout into one another's ears? 

There are always so many distractions around us that hinder or prevent us from introspecting and thinking about things that really matter.

But, maybe distractions are exactly what some of us really need.

Without them, we're naked, vulnerable, raw.

Painful to see, touch, feel.

It's too quiet. 


3. Plague Inc.

I enjoyed playing this game tremendously. It was fun strategizing ways to infect the world.

But I could never imagine it happening in real life.

It was like a plot out of some doomsday movie.

A movie you never expected to be a part of.


Enough said. 


30.

A milestone year.
Yet, strangely enough, it's also the year where I've been standing utterly still.

Not an inch.

In this strange year, time has taken on a bizarre quality - it's seemingly expanding and contracting at the same time.

Have I been left behind, 

or have I made the choice to be left behind? 

No matter, 

it has also opened my eyes to the truly essential things in life, 

and reminded me of the weight of being 30. 

I hope with age, comes not only wisdom (that I sorely lack), but also resilience, and a less hollow heart. 

Most importantly, the strength to fight battles alongside my loved ones. 

To a stronger 30yo self. 

To living and loving~*

(note: this post sat in my list of drafts for 6 freaking months, and I've been making edits here and there, whenever I feel like writing something. So, the timeline might seem a little off.)

Rejoice! It's the first post of 2019 (and we're already approaching the end of the year)!

It's getting increasingly harder to pen down my thoughts; there's just too much inertia.
Sometimes, I prefer to let them float over my head, leaving no trace behind.

Or so I thought.

~*

1. Insecurities.

I think deep down, we all have them. 

They take different forms, and are on a spectrum of destruction and ferocity. 

On one end, there are insecurities that cripple you and render you utterly helpless; those that make you resort to extreme measures in order to quell your fears. 

On the other end, there are others that are mildly disturbing and give you that occasional nip; those that lurk in the dark (and stay relatively dormant most of the time). 

Recently, I have started to get to know my insecurities a little better.

And all I can say is that, 

those things are ugly,

and could potentially be very toxic. 

I wish for them to stay dormant. 

2. Actions and consequences. 

"...where cause and effect bleed into each other."

I recently attended a rather interesting course, and the trainer spoke at length about complexity. 

Anyhow, that line just kept circling around in my mind - what does it mean for cause and effect to bleed into each other? 

I suppose it happens in instances where a cause can, in turn, be an effect, and vice versa.

And it really isn't that uncommon, is it? 

Life is strange in so many unpredictable ways.

And recently, the past managed to catch up with me, leading me to reflect upon my past actions, and how they'd led to the consequences I'm facing today.

The past never really passes, does it? 

3. 2019

Same old, same old.

The boundaries between the years are getting less and less clear.

I cannot seem to remember when something took place. 

"I think I did this last year... wait, or was it early this year?" 

Anyhow, recently (sorry for lack of  precision in pinpointing the timing), I've done more than live in my own head, bury myself in work and mope around pondering about life. 

a. Netflix

Someone once told me that Netflix is evil, and I can see why he said that. 

It's so awesome and toxic at the same time.

Finally, I am able to feed my hunger for the dark, psychologically thrrrrrrilling shows (EVANGELION, Gantz, Tokyo Ghoul, Kakegurui, Hannibal, Black Mirror, Bates Motel, among many others).

I've also started watching other witty shows (e.g., Suits), exciting shows (e.g., Breaking Bad, Attack on Titan, Akame ga Kill), hilarious shows (e.g., shokugeki, Brooklyn 99), moving shows (Fruits Basket remake!!!!!) and a whole bunch of random documentaries.

It really has the potential to suck you into an alternate reality of sorts.

b. Cello
I've finally decided to pick up cello again (after procrastinating for almost 3 years), and have been dragging my lazy ass to the far west for lessons.
And I have to say, tiring as it may be (physically), it's also extremely invigorating (mentally).
It's a beautiful feeling - to be able to hear cello-chan sing again.

It's only when I started playing that I realised how much I needed it.

An escape from the mundane...? Probably.

c. Meet-ups
As a 100% introvert (evidenced by my shocking results on personality questionnaires), I will try all means to avoid socialising (if I can), because it can really take a toll on me. However, I also find myself seeking out such opportunities, if it involves my close friends.

Thank you, close friends, for staying with me,

through it all.

d. Novels
You know, I can't live without some element of fiction in my life.
And as you know, Murakami is still one of the loves of my life.

Killing Commendatore took me on a wild ride - in and out of reality, unbounded by any logic or rationality, if you know what I mean.

Besides that, I've also been reading A Sense of an Ending by Julian Barnes... a very sobering novel (for me, at least) about how deceiving your version of reality can be, and the entire process of trying to make sense of everything that has happened in our lives - the delusions and lies, the pains that we've tried to bury and push out of our consciousness, the way the past comes back to haunt you.

“It strikes me that this may be one of the differences between youth and age: 

when we are young, 

we invent different futures for ourselves; 

when we are old, 

we invent different pasts for others.”

- Julian Barnes, A Sense of an Ending

4. Fill your heart 

Love the unlovable

How do you do that? 

How do you accept so easily?

How do you find the right words?

How do you ease the pain? 

How do you know...? 

I think, to a certain extent, we're all seeking for that deep connection with a special someone.

Something that can fill our hearts

Maybe, in order to live, we all need to continuously fill our hearts with meaning, feelings, and connections.

As time passes, the heart gets weary and the void grows,
and we'll try to find something to fill that void.

However, some of us might not know what we should be filling our hearts with - we fill them up with beautiful, but dark and dangerous things.

The heart is so fragile. 

And when you find that something special which fills your heart almost effortlessly,

you know that

you're going to hold onto that precious something.


~*~*

[Updated on 1 Jan 2020]

And so, a new year begins.

I think I must've said this many times, but I still think that it's a little delusional to think that it marks a "new beginning".

"It feels like any other day." 

Indeed, it does.
But that doesn't mean it's not something special and worth celebrating.

Just like any other day.

Instead of thinking about the new year, why don't we think about it as a new day?

A precious day ahead - isn't that something worth celebrating and be grateful for, every single day?

How many tomorrows do we have?
How many sunrises would we be able to catch?
How much further would we be able to walk?

How much time do we have left...? 

This took a pretty depressing turn, but you get the idea.

Within the limited time that we have,
how do we want to spend the rest of our lives? 

To live and love with no regrets.

Just 
a little more kindness, 
a little more courage,
a little more self-love... 

Here's to living and loving.

Happy 2020!