As we approach the end of the year, I've started to feel a little more sentimental and emotional.
Though deep down, I know it's only the passage of time.
"A year is just a man-made construct."
In the past week, I've been revisiting the past - through reflecting on occurrences that took place this year, and reading past entries on this blog.
I derived a few conclusions.
1. I wasn't very emotionally stable / resilient as an adolescent and young adult.
It could be due to the circumstances,
or my skin was simply too easily penetrable.
I'm not saying that I'm any better now, but at least, I think I have slowly and quietly built up an arsenal of self-defense mechanisms (adaptive and maladaptive, heh)
I've overcome some little dark parts of myself and have learnt to live with the bigger and darker parts of myself and I think... sometimes, co-existence is good enough.
"The dark is not so scary."
2. My mind was certainly more agile then.
I can feel my brain decomposing and dying.
I think I used to be brighter and more flexible.
Now, it's just doing the bare minimum to get by.
I think I might be (consciously and unconsciously) avoiding the hard work on my brain.
3. I was incredibly immature.
Again, that's not to say I'm mature now.
I might just be more mature, but might not be mature mature.
So, I feel very grateful towards everyone who had to put up with the emotionally unstable and immature me.
4. I still think about a million "what-if"s
Does it mean I have many regrets?
On one hand, I do regret handling things in a less-than-ideal manner, which had inadvertently hurt some of the people closest to me.
On the hand, I don't regret some of the most impulsive things I'd done, which had led to the creation of the most beautiful memories.
Even so, I often wonder,
what if I were who I am right now.
Would things have turned out differently?
That's for the me in another timeline to answer. :)
5. The gratitude theme kept coming up in my entries throughout the years.
Because I am truly grateful.
Why is it possible for anyone to love me? To forgive me? To want to be with me? To want to be there for me?
How could anyone possibly see the goodness in me? And to appreciate some imperceptible goodness and strengths in me?
For appreciating me for who I am, thank you.
6. I'm still not very kind to myself.
I guess it's quite clear from pt 5.
And this is going to my new year resolution -
To be a little kinder to myself.
"Be kind to yourself. You're already doing the best you can."
A lot of negativity and pain comes from being overly harsh on oneself.
If only we learn to love ourselves a little more.
And of course, be kind to others (maybe that's my 2nd new year resolution).
I've realised that I have the capacity to be incredibly mean to people, and it takes self-control and a little empathy to hold myself back.
7.
Next year is going to be challenging, and will most definitely bring frustrations, pain and lots of negativity.
What shall I do in face of all the challenges?
I hope the little kindness that I show to myself and others will help to lessen the pain for all.
Cheers to strength, courage and kindness.
May 2019 be a fulfilling year for all.
