[This post sat in my collection of drafts for the longest time. Years, maybe? I guess I just wasn't sure where this was going. Not that I have a clearer idea now.]
The Why.
Do we live only to seek evidence to validate our own existence? To proof our worth in this society?
Is it true that one's worth is tied to how much contribution one makes to the society?
If so, then how do we define "contribution"? Is it in monetary terms? Or something slightly more intangible, yet clearly beneficial to the society (e.g., no. of offsprings)?
In that case, our relationship with the society can be said to be absolutely transactional in nature.
I give, therefore I can take.
If so, then how many people are falling through the cracks?
People who, for various reasons, are not able to contribute (as defined by cold, hard terms) as much as they're expected to (by the society).
People who choose to follow their own thinking and rationalisation, rather than blindly and desperately trying to follow whatever boundaries and expectations the society places on them - "Because, that's only right."
I'm starting to feel tired of proving my worth to ...???
Oftentimes, I wonder why I've always tried to tread carefully on the "safe side".
I wonder.
~*
The What.
I can feel my mind slowly growing to fit a hard and inflexible box.
My thinking, mannerisms and beliefs are slowly morphing into what have been expected of me all along.
"You're like a robot."
Indeed.
Sometimes, I think I'm gradually losing the "feeling" part, and getting more and more consumed by the "thinking" part.
And the "feeling" part, in my opinion, has always been a strength of mine.
Yet,
it may not be that important now.
Is it?
~*
The How
I think I've yielded.
~*~*~*
[I'd stopped here months ago. Now, I'm continuing this post with a different frame of thinking.]
On love, choices & consequences
I think all of us, at one point or another, have fallen in love with an ideal.
An ideal in terms of the world, the workings of the world, your perception of self and others.
And there will likely come a time when you realise that an ideal is merely an ideal; the reality is too imperfect for this ideal to be realised.
Then you feel cheated somewhat, and let down.
But is it wrong to fall in love with that ideal, and have hopes that it will not be tainted by all the unpredictable variables (or variables that you chose to ignore)?
I'm not sure.
Recently, things have been happening to the people around me.
And it made me realise the enormity of the consequences of having that ideal crushed.
Nothing is protected from changes (predictable or not), not even the most sacrosanct vows and promises. Not even the most adamant decisions.
The heart is fickle.
For most of us, at least.
If so, then what are the constants? Or rather, what helps to keep things constant? What helps to anchor the heart?
The belief in the ideal?
Contentment in status quo?
Or simply the silence of the heart?
I wonder.
*~*~*
Haven't heard something so heart-wrenching in a while.
Heart-wrenching in a quiet, unpretentious way.
Just like melancholy.
我最大的遺憾 是你的遺憾 與我有關
沒有句點 已經很完美了
何必誤會 故事 沒說完
原來我很快樂 只是不願承認
在我懷疑 世界時 你給過我 答案
我感覺到幸福 是看見你幸福
曾經親手把時間變慢
可惜我們 沒有等 我們
