Looking back~*

As we approach the end of the year, I've started to feel a little more sentimental and emotional.
Though deep down, I know it's only the passage of time.

"A year is just a man-made construct."

In the past week, I've been revisiting the past - through reflecting on occurrences that took place this year, and reading past entries on this blog.

I derived a few conclusions.

1. I wasn't very emotionally stable / resilient as an adolescent and young adult. 
It could be due to the circumstances,
or my skin was simply too easily penetrable.

I'm not saying that I'm any better now, but at least, I think I have slowly and quietly built up an arsenal of self-defense mechanisms (adaptive and maladaptive, heh)

I've overcome some little dark parts of myself and have learnt to live with the bigger and darker parts of myself and I think... sometimes, co-existence is good enough.

"The dark is not so scary." 


2. My mind was certainly more agile then. 
I can feel my brain decomposing and dying.
I think I used to be brighter and more flexible.
Now, it's just doing the bare minimum to get by.

I think I might be (consciously and unconsciously) avoiding the hard work on my brain.


3. I was incredibly immature.
Again, that's not to say I'm mature now.
I might just be more mature, but might not be mature mature.

So, I feel very grateful towards everyone who had to put up with the emotionally unstable and immature me.


4. I still think about a million "what-if"s
Does it mean I have many regrets?

On one hand, I do regret handling things in a less-than-ideal manner, which had inadvertently hurt some of the people closest to me.

On the hand, I don't regret some of the most impulsive things I'd done, which had led to the creation of the most beautiful memories.

Even so, I often wonder,
what if I were who I am right now. 
Would things have turned out differently?

That's for the me in another timeline to answer. :)


5. The gratitude theme kept coming up in my entries throughout the years. 
Because I am truly grateful.

Why is it possible for anyone to love me? To forgive me? To want to be with me? To want to be there for me? 
How could anyone possibly see the goodness in me? And to appreciate some imperceptible goodness and strengths in me?

For appreciating me for who I am, thank you.


6. I'm still not very kind to myself.

I guess it's quite clear from pt 5.

And this is going to my new year resolution -

To be a little kinder to myself.

"Be kind to yourself. You're already doing the best you can."

A lot of negativity and pain comes from being overly harsh on oneself.
If only we learn to love ourselves a little more.

And of course, be kind to others (maybe that's my 2nd new year resolution).

I've realised that I have the capacity to be incredibly mean to people, and it takes self-control and a little empathy to hold myself back.



7.
Next year is going to be challenging, and will most definitely bring frustrations, pain and lots of negativity.

What shall I do in face of all the challenges? 

I hope the little kindness that I show to myself and others will help to lessen the pain for all.


Cheers to strength, courage and kindness.
May 2019 be a fulfilling year for all.

Fickle~*

[This post sat in my collection of drafts for the longest time. Years, maybe? I guess I just wasn't sure where this was going. Not that I have a clearer idea now.]

The Why.

Do we live only to seek evidence to validate our own existence? To proof our worth in this society?

Is it true that one's worth is tied to how much contribution one makes to the society?

If so, then how do we define "contribution"? Is it in monetary terms? Or something slightly more intangible, yet clearly beneficial to the society (e.g., no. of offsprings)?

In that case, our relationship with the society can be said to be absolutely transactional in nature.
I give, therefore I can take. 

If so, then how many people are falling through the cracks?

People who, for various reasons, are not able to contribute (as defined by cold, hard terms) as much as they're expected to (by the society).

People who choose to follow their own thinking and rationalisation, rather than blindly and desperately trying to follow whatever boundaries and expectations the society places on them - "Because, that's only right." 

I'm starting to feel tired of proving my worth to ...???

Oftentimes, I wonder why I've always tried to tread carefully on the "safe side".

I wonder.

~*

The What.

I can feel my mind slowly growing to fit a hard and inflexible box.

My thinking, mannerisms and beliefs are slowly morphing into what have been expected of me all along.

"You're like a robot."

Indeed.
Sometimes, I think I'm gradually losing the "feeling" part, and getting more and more consumed by the "thinking" part.

And the "feeling" part, in my opinion, has always been a strength of mine.

Yet,

it may not be that important now.

Is it?

~*

The How

I think I've yielded.


~*~*~*



[I'd stopped here months ago. Now, I'm continuing this post with a different frame of thinking.]

On love, choices & consequences

I think all of us, at one point or another, have fallen in love with an ideal.

An ideal in terms of the world, the workings of the world, your perception of self and others.

And there will likely come a time when you realise that an ideal is merely an ideal; the reality is too imperfect for this ideal to be realised.

Then you feel cheated somewhat, and let down.

But is it wrong to fall in love with that ideal, and have hopes that it will not be tainted by all the unpredictable variables (or variables that you chose to ignore)?

I'm not sure. 

Recently, things have been happening to the people around me.
And it made me realise the enormity of the consequences of having that ideal crushed.

Nothing is protected from changes (predictable or not), not even the most sacrosanct vows and promises. Not even the most adamant decisions.

The heart is fickle.
For most of us, at least.

If so, then what are the constants? Or rather, what helps to keep things constant? What helps to anchor the heart?

The belief in the ideal?
Contentment in status quo?

Or simply the silence of the heart? 

I wonder. 

*~*~*

Haven't heard something so heart-wrenching in a while.
Heart-wrenching in a quiet, unpretentious way.

Just like melancholy.



我最大的遺憾 是你的遺憾 與我有關 沒有句點 已經很完美了 何必誤會 故事 沒說完

原來我很快樂 只是不願承認 在我懷疑 世界時 你給過我 答案 我感覺到幸福 是看見你幸福 曾經親手把時間變慢 可惜我們 沒有等 我們

And then...~*

以为永远很远 不愿就此停留 
以后有太多可能 何必叫青春将就
以为我会改变 变得更懂爱情 

最后我们变成 爱了很久的朋友