Ride~*

It's the last day of 2016. 
What do you wish for? What shall I wish for?

Have been feeling a little emotional lately (mix of positive and negative emotions).

Can't quite name the specific emotions, and neither can I identify the source of all these emotions. I guess they come from all over the place. 

And when emotions threaten to overflow, I try to find ways to let them out. 

Since these are not things that I can talk about easily (can't form coherent sentences about them on the fly, and I seem to have no time for such conversations), I shall make use of this space to help me a little.

Anyhow, 2016 had been a helluva ride.

For a change, instead of the usual reflections and resolutions, I shall note down some key areas for improvement and what I hope for in the new year. 

1. On being rather porous. 

Much as I wish to block out some negativity in my life, I often find that negative thoughts and emotions tend to diffuse into me very easily.

And even indirect negative events can affect me very much, and drain me. 

I know that I have a choice. Yet.

Hope for 2017: To become bulletproof, and to not let bullshit (things that are not worth fretting over) get to me. 

2. On wanting to be "perfect".
Impossible, impossible, impossible. So let it go, girl.

Hope for 2017: To stop beating myself up for things that had gone awry. Move on when I got to.

3. On holding on to things that are not worth holding on to.
There seems to be this recurring theme of the need to let go and my inability to do so.
It's difficult because of the sentimental value I attach to things and people.
Oftentimes, you know that the bond has dissolved, and you understand that letting go is the best action to take. Yet.

Hope for 2017: To slowly let things go.

4. On time passing a little too quickly. 
The understanding that nothing lasts forever (lives, especially) is a sobering one.

Hope for 2017: To prioritise and spend time on things and people that are worth spending time on.

5. On gratitude and contentment.
Despite it all,
I'm grateful beyond words.

For the lessons learnt from times when I bled, collapsed, broke down, picked myself up, laughed, lived in the moment, was in the zone, loved, was loved in return, was encouraged and supported, was put down, was let down, experienced warmth, immense happiness and satisfaction...

It had not been easy. Yet.

Hope for 2017: To remember to be grateful for what I have. Always.

6. On the lighter side of things.
It's always about how one responds to external stimuli.

"You have a choice. You always do."

Hope for 2017: To choose to embrace the apples, and enjoy the sourness of the lemons.

Despite all the unhappy, nerve-wrecking, and heartbreaking moments, this year had been exciting in many ways - work wise (achieved several milestones at work), interests wise (cellography (!), falling in love with twenty one pilots, reading my first few mystery novels (Keigo Higashino, Natsuo Kirino), completing an EXTREMELY depressing novel (A Little Life, Hanya Yanagihara)), and in matters close to my heart (meeting new lovelies, having my heart feeling very full, entering the next phase of life).

Things are always clearer on hindsight - all the "if only's" and "what if's". Nevertheless, things happened / did not happen for a reason. There's always a reason.

Perhaps this is what it means to be alive - to experience and embrace life in its entirety (the positive and the negative).

For making me feel alive, thank you.

~*~*~*

Time to revisit resolutions I'd set for myself for this year:

Here are the resolutions set for Y2016 (similar to Y2015):

1. Be able to play cello pieces set at Grade 7 level (a little ambitious but, maybe it's possible?) - it has pretty much been put on hold, heh. Will resume in due course.

2. Tidy my room at least once this year - I did, last week.

3. Save $X - Not really, after spending so much on big ticket items.

5. Complete another non-fiction book - FAIL (still can't resist fiction). 

6. Take more initiative to keep in contact with friends - definitely. And I'm glad I did.

7. Cast light, not shadow - Tried, but failed, I suppose.

For the next year, let's just stick to the hopes for 2017 as stated above.

May 2017 be a good year for us all - to us, version 2.0. 

Skeleton Clique~*

[I know I haven't been writing much. But this band inspires me so much that I know I need to write about it.]

Recently, I'm extremely into twenty one pilots.

It has been a while since I last delved so deeply into the works by a particular artiste / band.

Twenty one pilots has an amazing stage presence, no doubt. And of course, mind-blowing music (which was what first caught my attention). It's like a crazy mix of genres and they don't just follow the conventional structure (for lack of better term) for music-writing.

I don't know much about music, but I could tell by the music they're making that these guys are unstoppable, unrestrained, and uninhibited.

But the best part, to me, is their beautifully and brutally honest lyrics - and you don't need fanciful, bombastic words to convey the message.

They struck a chord within me, and ignited something in me that I thought had long died.

Fight it, 
Take the pain, ignite it, 
Tie a noose around your mind 
Loose enough to breathe fine and tie it 
To a tree. 

Tell it, "You belong to me. This ain't a noose, this is a leash. 
And I have news for you: you must obey me."

- Holding onto you, twenty one pilots

I don't know how to explain it - one day, as I was listening to their songs, something had clicked and then everything had fallen into place and made so much sense to me.

To me, it's always about how much something resonates with you.
When you realise something is synchronised with your heartbeat, emotions and thoughts, you feel understood, and (strange as it may sound) less alone.

It was how I'd felt when I was practically living, thinking, breathing Hamasaki Ayumi. From then till now, there was a couple of interesting artistes here and there - The Killers, The Beatles, Keane, Hebe... but they didn't have that effect on me, unlike twenty one pilots (The Beatles came very close though).

I may sound a little dramatic, and the "obsession" may die down after a while.
Anyhow, at this point in my life, they're here to stay.

Something less heavy (in a way) to start the week.

On lemon and apples~*

1. 

When life gives you...

Lemons

Basically, these are things that make you cringe in distaste, clench your fists in frustration, clamp your mouth shut to prevent the stream of vulgarities from spewing from your mouth, close your eyes to stop yourself from giving death stares. You reach for your razor / pills / alcohol / cigarette with trembling hands. You feel a deep sense of despair that cannot be articulated. You look, but you can't see. You think, but the thoughts are seemingly uncontrollable.

Apples (one of my favourite fruits) 

These are the pleasant things in life. Things that make you smile effortlessly, fill you up with so much joy and contentment. Your heart races and soars, and breaks into a little tune. You dance a little, twirl a little, even though you don't know how to do either. The world becomes such a beautiful place, and life becomes worth living. Ah, the stars are aligned. 

~*~*~*

In life, you have both. And you probably need both. 

Do we live for the sole purpose of pursuing pleasure (i.e., hedonism)? Or is life meant to bring us so much more than just simply happiness? 

Why lemons and apples? What is one without the other? 

*~*~*~

So, how has life been for me?

Simply put, like a glass of apple tea with a tinge of lemon. 

On the whole, I have much to be thankful for - even during the most sour moments, I learn something about life, about others, about myself.

I am but a  _______. 

~*~*~*~

2.

Word / music porn

And I've never loved a darker blue 

Than the darkness I have known in you, own from you 

You, whose heart would sing of anarchy 

You would laugh at meanings, guarantees, so beautifully 

When our truth is burned from history 

By those who figured justice in fond memory, witness me

Like fire weeping from a cedar tree 

Know that my love would burn with me 

We'll live eternally

Cause there's no better love 

That beckons above me, there's no better love 

That ever has loved me, there's no better love 

So darling, feel better love 

Cause there's no better love 

That's laid beside me, there's no better love 

That justifies me, there's no better love 

So darling, darling, feel better love 

Feel better love

- Hozier, Better Love

Hozier, how can I ever stop loving you? 

真夏の通り雨~*

This song. (finally located the full video - I missed her.)

Out of breath in a battle I can't win 
If I forget the days when I burned with love for you, 
I won't be me 

Tell me the correct way to say farewell

(source)

Cellography 2016~*

Cellography 2016 @Drama Centre, NLB

Complete group photo! :)

Cello group 2 - Awesome bunch of people who have been working extremely hard together :)

Featuring dear cello-chan :)

Two days on,

and I still have difficulty returning to my life before all these. 

Too surreal

I never would have thought that I'd be this attached to what I was doing.

Despite the hard work and immense frustration that I'd experienced while trying to get the notes right, everything was worthwhile. 

Late nights at Hughes' place, constant reminders to one another that we're 'too sharp', 'too flat', 'too rushed' etc, panicking over the high Cs, laughing at the extremely out of tune parts, jokingly telling one another that we're the most out-of-tune group... 

everything is a part of a beautiful memory. 

And of course, I'm extremely grateful to everyone who was there, supporting me along the way.

If I had to use one adjective to describe all these, it would have to be "amazing." 

Life, in 10 points~*

1. Dark thoughts?

"What dark thoughts do you think of?"

"Darkness in the light
mistrust in the trust,
sadness in happiness,
bitterness in the sweetness,
death in the living,
destruction in the creation,
ugliness in the beauty..."

And at times when my thoughts turn positive,

it's the other way around.


2. Embracing the darkness

I'm starting to not detest (double negative, I know. But I can't think of a better way to phrase this) this side of me as much.

The important thing isn't to detest and reject it completely, but to accept and embrace it in its totality. Because that's how you gradually learn to manage it.

It's not so bad to have deep and dark thoughts.

At least, they keep me grounded, and remind me of what reality isn't.


3. Something that was there

Recently, someone recounted a little snippet of his life to me.

It was very similar to the plot of some cheesy Taiwanese / Korean romance drama; that familiar "Ah, the one true love had been there all along. Why hadn't I noticed her sooner? And now, she's happily together with someone else. Regrets, regrets."

 And it hit me that, cheesy as it sounds, it happens more often than you think.
People often don't pay enough attention to their surroundings, and they take practically everything for granted.

Someone once told me, "Meeting the right person at the wrong time is no different from meeting the wrong person."

Since you let it slip through your fingers,
you just have to accept it, and move on.


4. Things that I don't understand

Dangerous things.
Beautiful things.
Ambiguous things.

There must a reason for their existence.

Or perhaps, they are such, because we made them so.


5. Shadow of things that were

Sometimes, things happen.
And at that particular instant, something hits you.
Instantaneously, brutally, powerfully.

"You remind me of someone I used to know."

A sharp bite?
An electric shock?
A bullet right through my skull?

And I let out a scream.

On the inside.


6. Transactions 

Many things in life are transactional / conditional in nature.

Even so, I still want to believe in something unconditional.


7. Bow & Strings & Drums &... 

Interesting, how one thing leads to another, and before you know it, you're stuck in an emotionally-laden situation.

What started out as a goal-focused activity grew into something beyond that.

I'm extremely grateful, for various reasons.

But knowing how some attachments are especially deep for me (because I'm a sentimental being), I could already imagine the imminent void.

Soon, we'll all run out of excuses, justifications, and reasons.

But before that, let's give it our very best shot.

FIVE MORE DAYS.

[Please don't get me wrong. I'm enjoying every single second of this - minus the scoldings and embarrassing moments when jarring notes were produced by me.] 


8. Two of us

Something is strangely amiss.

I was telling X that weekday-jas and weekend-jas are practically living two different lives.

There's a very interesting point where both lives do not intersect.

And there is definitely an issue when the "main" role (weekday-jas) is getting increasingly tiring, disengaging and un-motivating.


9. Murder intent

Have been reading a few novels by Keigo Higashino.
My first few attempts at mystery / thriller novels.

Although the who, what, when, how were brilliantly written (which is the gist of most mystery novels), that wasn't what struck me as I read the novels. But rather, it was the 'why'.

The intent is what undergirds the entire story, and that's the part that would grip you even after you put that novel down.

What could possibly push someone over the edge?
Out of love? Greed? Or simply, malice? 


10. There you are. 

Thank you, simply for being, even when it's not easy to.

We are all trying our best, aren't we?~*

1. Un-forgiveness, as I understand it

"I understood. 

I understood it from 
the colour of the sky, 
the shape of the moon, 
the blackness of the night sky under which we passed. 

The building lights, 
the streetlights, 

were unforgiving."

- Banana Yoshimoto, 'Kitchen'

[Halfway though the second story of the novel. Lovely, like her previous novels I'd read. 
She managed to write about the concept of death and loneliness without going to the dark side. In fact, reading it draws me to the bright side.]


4. In retrospect

You were,
I was,
we were

the bitterness of past tense.


3. Try, try again.
"Over and over, we begin again."

- Banana Yoshimoto, 'Kitchen'


2. Always trying to be good enough 

Dear Cello-chan and Bow-san,

Thank you for putting up with me for the past year and a half (almost).
We've come a long way together, haven't we?

And we've definitely been through lots of ups and downs together (up-bows and down-bows... okok).

From not being able to hold Bow-san properly, and not being able to produce decent sounds on Cello-chan, till now, when I can play a tune more confidently (and with a half-decent vibrato to boot!)...

and being acknowledged by H (cello teacher) to be good enough for the upcoming Cellography 2016...

thank you.

I know you guys must also be feeling as exhausted as I am (or even more exhausted) from all the intensive practice sessions.

But let's hang in there, alright?

From now till then, let's give it our best shot.

一緒に頑張りましょう!

Love,
the girl who is always trying so hard to be good enough

[Cello practice and rehearsals are pretty much taking up 80% of my time outside work. Although we're nowhere there yet, we're slowlyyyyy improving (at snail's pace, no kidding). An ultimate test of diligence and discipline. Ah, and emotion regulation.]

The fifth~*

At this rate, I'll end up with approximately 12 entries for this year.

The number has been dropping almost exponentially over the years.

Maybe cos there's no longer so many things to write about?
Nah.

I guess I'm finding it increasingly difficult to put my experiences (thoughts, feelings, occurrences) down in words.
Most, if not all, things lose their beauty and magic once you translate them into words. Okay, maybe it's just me la, given that my command of English isn't very strong to begin with.

Since I cannot write coherent narratives, and I don't want to take a reductionist approach when writing my own personal experiences, I often stare at the blank page for very long before deciding (i) whether I should even write anything, and, if yes, (ii) how to write them.

In the end, I end up with incomprehensible strings of words.
Vague, and well, cryptic.

Maybe that's all I can manage, for now.

Or maybe in life,
clarity isn't a given.

You've got to seek it.
But even so, you may not get it.

Or maybe,

I just like to mess with your mind.

~*~*~*~

Getting progressively tired of work.
And I know that I've been exhibiting several signs of burn out.

Not sure what's happening, nor why I have the right to feel 'burn out' in the first place.

Maybe I need a break...

then, what next?

Thank you~*

Regardless

no matter


Some things just are.


No matter

regardless



With sincerity, and gratitude.

The vague / not-so-vague~*

The Vague.

Muted colours, muffled whispers.
Gently, I traced the trail of raindrops with my wounded fingers.
With surprising decisiveness and steadiness.

As if,
most things are definitive.

As if,
wounds have healed.

~*
Consumed by itself,
the moon stopped shining.

Even so,
the night sky was still beautiful, and unbearably so.

~*
In between the staccatos and legatos,
the notes danced with grace and vigour.

At every pause, time froze, and the notes hung in midair.

Perfectly posed.

~*
There are splinters embedded within.

With every movement, they shift ever so slightly,
piercing and perforating yet another artery.

The pain serves as a constant reminder that

something was broken.

It doesn't matter
whether or not wounds heal.

It doesn't matter
how broken things (we) were.

Because splinters remain.

~*
Cold, but warm.


The Not-so-vague

What's your meaning in living?

Maybe Viktor Frankl can give me an idea.
Currently reading 'Man's Search for Meaning' - a memoir of his life in Nazi death camp and his theory on logotherapy (that the meaning of living is the pursuit of meaning itself).

~*
And watching Darker than Black made me ponder about the essence of human nature, and the functionality of emotions (yes, they serve evolutionary purposes).
But in this day and age, do emotions facilitate or hinder?

Sometimes, I think like a machine.

~*
Need a remedy for flu and chronic headache...

and disengagement.

Iroiro~*

1. Kotoba

"..."

For every word that's spoken, there are many unspoken ones.

Listen to those,
and try to understand,
why they were not (and will never be) spoken.


2. Kioku

"It feels very lonely to be the only one who remembers, no?"

I used to think that it's extremely difficult to hold on to them alone.
It magnifies your loneliness, and stagnancy.
For you're the only one who's tracing the past, pacing hesitantly in circles, desperately protecting something...

But,
I think that there are some things worth protecting.
And I will do so,

even if it entails making certain sacrifices.


3. Jikan

"If you could send a message to your past self, would you send one? If so, what would you send?" (inspired by Steins; Gate)

Would you?

I'm sure most of us have secret wishes to alter certain parts of our lives.

I'm no exception.

But,
alterations may have many unintended consequences.

Are you willing to take the risk?

Steins; Gate provided a pretty interesting theory that goes - for every alteration you make, the world line splits, and events that unfold thereafter in the new world line will change accordingly. In other words, while you continue living in the new world line (with an altered past), there's another you in the old world line(s) living with the past unaltered.

Essentially, what it means is, you may be able to escape your present, by altering the past.

Do you wish to escape this current world line?


4. Sonzai

"You're very, very real!"

As real as we can ever get, perhaps.


5. Omoi

"We can't live in our heads all the time." 

(inspired by 'City', by Alessendro Baricco - brilliant book, albeit a bit too chim for me)
Thoughts, feelings, desires need to be expressed.
But by expressing them, we're reducing them from something close to infinity, to mere points, sentences, statements.

While we may be able to capture the essence of the thoughts and feelings, there's so much more lost in translation - the beauty and elegance of ideas that are NOT the essence... if you get what I mean.

And with that, it makes a nice link to pt 1.


6.  Iroiro (the best part)

"All the wu eh bo eh..."

a) Yu(u)ki was desexed, and subjected to the humiliation of wearing a customised pair of panties / shorts to protect her incision from her tongue / paws / teeth. Poor girl...

It provided our family with a great source of amusement. Sorry girl, but you're too hilarious.

b) Have been watching animes fervently - Another (horror), Zankyou no Terror (crime thriller - it's DAMN GOOD), Steins; Gate (sci-fi). All are great anime series, but, Zankyou no Terror (Terror in Resonance) really resonated with me (ha!). Hauntingly good.

c) Motivation is dwindling... in various aspects.

d) Jan feels like Sep - I'm that tired.

e) Went back to read old entries - sometimes, you may succeed at deceiving yourself that you're time-travelling.


In retrospect,
despite all the depressing and pessimistic thoughts,

life was beautiful then.

2016 will be a better year~*

And so, one year has gone by.

Jas: Then again, it's just a change in number.
Zen Guy: It's a new beginning, a new life.

Really?

Time moves in one direction; a new year doesn't mean that time will restart.

It is simply that, the Earth has gone one round around the Sun, and is starting its next.
Time is still moving, life still goes on, and you are still painting on a tainted canvas.

I'm good at un-romanticising things, I realised.


But eventually, it boils down to your own perception - its significance and meaning.
Maybe its significance is that it gives you a reason to reflect and set goals for the next year, whenever it begins.

A new year may start from 1st Jan 2016, or 10 May 2016, or 8 Sep 2016... or even more significantly, your birthday. No?

Anyhow, the usual summary of the year in photos (in random order):

Happy marriage, M and M!

Vietnamese egg coffee @Hanoi

Beautiful sunset @Halong Bay, Vietnam

"No matter what, you just cross the road in a steady pace. Don't panic."
Right. @Hanoi

Graffiti on the wall which tugged at my heartstrings @Jilin

Mixed feelings while waiting for plane home @Shanghai 

Shimmering, shimmering

A warm welcome back from a very cold country :)

Great read :)

Me? You?

Where the obsession with diffusers started.
French Vanilla and Wild Jasmine (I know right) scent

Hello, and good bye.

MA / AM :)

Choc Mille Crepe @Sun with Moon

Beer (no root) float which tasted like.... @Chir Chir

Deep thinker

Nyans! @the company of cats

Wayward LGM

"Yums." NO.

With the girls @Teoheng

Bday present for sis, the wild child 

Birthday drink @starbucks

Inception, sort of @Sushi Bar, Taka

Red velvet waffles @Montana Brew Bar

A very unique birthday cake for the girl with strange taste
 - super yummy matcha cake from Tsujiri :D I can have this every year

Our Future School

Finishers (with absolutely terrible stamina) @Sentosa

Finished both seasons. AWESOMENESS.

You melt my heart, Yuuki

Yuu and the piano

Yuu and the cello

Whiskey mini-teach @Auld Alliance

Because it's Portugal

Beautiful flowers @Braga

Survived my very first overseas conference
(networking being the most stressful part of all)

Beautiful Bom Jesus @Braga

      

Along the Douro River @Porto

Electric Cello spotted! @Porto

"Like a Jap schoolgirl." @Braga

From up above @Porto

Port wine!

Why so fierce, revelation cat? @pasarbella

When my hair was very brown. Mandatory toilet shot @JEM

At the start of the year with my favourite matcha @Maccha House

PSYCH-ED @M's wedding

Pretending to be in Japan @Liang Court

Happy CNY guys! 

Futsal match! @Turf City

Badminton match! @MOE Evans

Watching from above 

And then the night became a blur @some korean restaurant

Singing our hearts out @Manekineko

Crazy things we do to relive the sec school days @random neoprint machine in SCAPE

Crazy things we do 

Pretending to be elegant taitais @Shangri-La Hotel

The night when we all got psych-ed @Shangri-La Hotel

Finally got to try the colourful xlbs @Paradise Dynasty

Coffee and avocado shake. Woah. @Benjamin Brown

Birthday boy and girl (haha) @Ootoya

Super cute Xmas cake from Kki :)

Featured on ST with H and his beautiful cellos :)

To many more years of friendship @Shangri-La Hotel

With the crazies, and looking tipsy... @Angela's place

To many many decades more of friendship @Marina Square

EL :)

Section retreat @ USS :D

Grateful for these awesome colleagues @USS

With Pinocchio @USS

Xmas gift exchange + potluck 

Pretending to be Cinderellas @Forum

Mandatory toilet shot @forum toilet

383.3 :)

Halong bayyyyy

Fav shot @Halong Bay

You're a big girl now, Yuu

An emo shot to end off the series of photos

"How was 2015?"

Where do I even start? How do I even start?

If I had to use a metaphor to describe the year, it would be: a ride in a theme park that's a mishmash of all the rides in the theme park. 

The extreme ups, the extreme downs, the crazy loops, going forward, jerking backwards, free-falling, and lots of lights, colours, short periods of darkness, noises... 

In short, it was a crazy year which may have weakened my heart considerably. 

But after every experience, negative or positive, you can always glean some learning points. 

About letting go, holding on, moving on.

About courage and love.

About the very nature of pain and suffering.

About the bright side, and the dark side.

About patience, gratitude and humility.

About selfishness, lies and manipulation.

About imperfections and deficiencies.

About yourself, myself, her, him, them, us.

About being human, and the meaning of being human. 

To me, the greatest learning point is that the world isn't just about me. 

Back to the previous entry about an objective reality (so yes, I do remember writing it). 

If I accept that an objective reality does not exist - even if it does, it's virtually impossible to access it, and my perspective is definitely not the objective reality (the most important premise) - then I will understand that the world isn't just about me. 

Not sure if I'm making sense. 

To simplify, essentially, what I'm saying is, I need to be other-centered. (personal life and work life do overlap to some extent huh)

Anyhow, for Y2016 (starting from today), I want this to be the guiding principle for me:

Be other-centered - step outside of the self for once, and view the world from others' perspective. It's not always about 'I' and 'me'. The world doesn't exist for you and it isn't 'customised' according to your needs. 

Happiness doesn't always stem from gains to yourself.

That brings me to another very important point - One's existence, or meaning in living, is also largely dependent on the significant others in one's life.
In other words, I am who I am, because of all the experiences that I've had with everyone who has ever set foot in my life.

So thank you, for everything. [wish I could write better than just this sentence.]

~*~*~

And now, the exciting part:

Resolutions set for Y2015:

1. Practise at least 3 hours of cello every week. [For most weeks, yes]

2. Save $X [YES!]

3. Complete at least 1 non-fiction book. [YES! So happy that I completed 'The Art of Thinking Clearly' by Rob Dobelli a few days before 2015 ended.]

4. Tidy my room at least once every year (HAHAHA) [No...]

5. STEP OUT OF COMFORT ZONE MORE OFTEN (aspirational) [Sort of? I took the Mummy ride. hahaha.]

Not too bad, overall, I suppose. 

Here are the resolutions set for Y2016 (similar to Y2015):

1. Be able to play cello pieces set at Grade 7 level (a little ambitious but, maybe it's possible?)

2. Tidy my room at least once this year

3. Save $X

5. Complete another non-fiction book

6. Take more initiative to keep in contact with friends

7. Cast light, not shadow 

It sounds like I'm pretty determined to abandon the dark, negative thoughts to make space for positive, happy thoughts.

I wonder how I am going to do so.
But I am quite convinced that if I stand firmly by the principle of other-centeredness, I will come to realise that such negative and dark thoughts are pretty much insignificant, because they only concern me, and the world isn't about me. 

Very positive psychology, in a sense, haha. 

Alrighty. May 2016 be a fantastic year for all. :)