This evening, I felt like I'd transformed from Nyuu to Lucy (From Elfen Lied).

Stretched out my "vectors" and slashed mercilessly at... myself, and hence, indirectly, others.

But the difference between Lucy/Nyuu and myself is that while Lucy & Nyuu are not conscious of what the other persona has done, I am. Very conscious. And I remember. Very clearly.

Although in a way, I was (am?) blinded, I am aware. 

Lucy/Nyuu are actually two very distinct personas, whereas for myself, there's no way to separate us.

Us. Or maybe there's no 'us' to begin with.

Random thoughts~*

1. Five, Seven. 

Listening to Take Five in the afternoon seems so out of the norm (and no, Take Five isn't a boy band, in case you are confusing Take Five with Take That. Hell of a lot of difference), because to me, Jazz music always sounds best late at night.

Quintuple meter - just like this short piece that I'm learning for cello.
A rhythm that doesn't quite appeal to most people, because it just doesn't seem to sync well with human's natural sense of rhythm.
Not just quintuple, but complex time signatures, in general.

And same goes for most contemporary classical music works - very peculiar sounding.

I wonder why are there particular rhythms, particular chord progressions which sound nice to most people. What's the psychology behind it?

Maybe I should read up more on music psychology (Ah, that's Dr Stephen Lim's area of interest).



Anyhow, I've digressed. A lot.

I meant to come here to write a little about my Lunar New Year holidays.


2. Lunar New Year

A flurry of activities, lots of smiles (genuine ones, I hope), small talks, snacks, TV (during CNY visits, its importance and utility gets elevated), pretty / smart outfits, steamboat, gambling...

To describe it using adjectives of emotions is rather difficult though - a blend of emotions

And I also learnt that this particular behaviour (or series of actions) irks me quite a bit:

Giving me a limp handshake, (optional muttering of "happy cny") without having eye contact with me. Usually looking elsewhere, displaying more interest in something else.

I had to hold back from squeezing that fellow's hand much harder (wish I were stronger though. Physically.)


3. At the sight of an LD...

It awed me.

In fact, the entire old school karaoke place awed me.

Second time there, and it still fascinated me no end.

On a side note, I observed that Hokkien songs are usually quite emo, and alcohol is a common theme. I wonder why, heh.


4.  To let go.

Be brave, and forgiving enough to let it go.

You can cry, you can ruminate,
but you must know when to stop.

Stop, not because you have to, but because you want to.

Let go, not because you have to, but because you want to.


5. Call me out of my foxhole.

'Precisely,' said the fox. 'To me, you are still only a small boy, just like a hundred thousand other small boys.

 And I have no need of you. And you in turn have no need of me. 

To you, I'm just a fox like a hundred thousand other foxes. 

But if you tame me, then we shall need each other. 

To me, you shall be unique in the world. 

To you, I shall be unique in the world.

...but if you tame me, my days will be as if filled with sunlight. 

I shall know a sound of footstep different from all the rest. 

Other steps make me run to earth. 

Yours will call me out of my foxhole like music.'

- Excerpt from The Little Prince, by Antione de Saint-Exupery

6. Take me to...

Approximately a year and a half ago, I made a promise with myself.

To give my 100%, and never settle for anything less. 

Took that leap of faith, fumbled my way around, and somehow managed to keep my promise.

Then again, the amount of effort put in doesn't necessarily equate high quality work - I am slow and I don't think critically enough. And I don't speak up enough. 

To make up for my lack of competence in many areas, I pushed myself hard. 

"Is that the right thing to do?"

I cannot answer. 

I cannot answer.

I just can't. 

Sometimes, I feel that I'm slowly approaching the edge of a cliff.

Knowing that I would topple over, I would stop, peer down, and slowly take a small step back.

So precarious and dangerous. 

But I want to advance forward, and I'm not scared. Or so I think. 

But one day, I might step right off the cliff. 

That kick. 

7. Those days, these days.

Let me be hopeful. 

On a sidenote, I managed to write this entry using the pockets of time I could find here and there. Hence, it's disjointed and all over the place. Rearranged the points a little too. 

Well, if only you could just rearrange things like that in life. 

Music (?) of Trying~*

Every bow, 

every note,

more bite, more certainty, less hesitation! 

scratchy, 

yet. 

The music (can I call it music?) of determination, of trying, of persistence. 

It's far from perfection. 

But,

that's precisely the beauty of it.

The hope, and anticipation of a flower bud blooming into something beautiful.