And to me, time accelerates as we age - the notion of an hour in 18 year-old jas' time equates to about 3 seconds in current-jas' time.
The tide of time flows too quickly, too rapidly.
So, how has Y2014 been?
I attempted to use an adjective to describe the year, and had much difficulties coming up with just one word.
In fact, it wasn't easy to think of a theme of sorts, or anything that could connect the bits and pieces together - they are too disparate, coming from different places, going to different places.
Mulled over this for quite some time, and finally decided on the closest term I could use - 'Self-focused' (is that a word? or two? This is just a nicer term for self-centered.)
Yes, I have been very focused on my self - did many selfish things at the expense of others, talked to myself a lot more, loved myself a little more, and hated myself a little more too (I tend to oscillate quite a bit).
It's a year of exploration, in terms of my inner world, my looking-glass self, with multiple feeble attempts at understanding my self and pushing (some) limits. Have also attempted to step out of comfort zone... Or perhaps, I was pushed out of comfort zone.
Towards the end of this year, I figured that I've had enough of living for others. I want to be able to do what I want to do, not what I ought to/should/must do (refer to previous entry).
And this, to me, has got to be the epitome of self-focus (self-centredness).
I realised that for the past X years, I haven't been kind to myself.
To me, self-love was a construct that was alien to me.
But now, I think I might have a better understanding of it. I am still unable to grasp it completely, but at least, I know what makes me happy and what doesn't, and for the time being, I want to try to be happier.
Still grappling with this - does choosing to do what makes you happy make you a selfish asshole?
A highly intelligent being told me that it's important to strike a balance. True, but how?
Used to be too close to one end, and now, I'm slowly shuffling to the other end... am I slowly becoming a cruel person?
Anyhow, I've digressed.
Back to Y2014, yes.
I learnt many surprising things about myself this year. Shall list down a notable few.
1. I could complete a 5km run without stopping despite being sick.
2. I could be feisty and talk back to superiors (not a good thing, I suppose...but still, surprising, nonetheless).
3. Even after doing X presentations, I still feel like dying every time before delivering them.
4. I can play the cello (fingers ached at the start, but the calluses developed and it hurts less now. Can play merely means that I can chain some notes together to form a tune. Quality wise... let's not go there.)
5. I could muster the courage to chop off my locks, and feel comfortable with short hair. Should I do it again for the new year?
6. I can be fiercely independent at times and at other times, completely reliant on others. As if I oscillate (again) between being a dignified (heh) cat and a helpless kitten... And same goes for many other aspects of myself... I oscillate very often and I'm starting to think that I don't have a very stable personality after all.
7. I can take X years to finish a novel (and I still haven't finished it. 1Q84, in case you're wondering).
8. I've earned myself a number of nicknames (while some are endearing, others are...). I wonder where some (relating to some form of liquid) came from *innocent look*.
9. I still cry easily.
10. I am getting increasingly argumentative - the "sweet young thing" (actually, I wouldn't use this to describe myself) no longer exists.
11. I can eat a lot of junk food. Where did the discipline go...?!
12. I can hide, and I can be as raw as I can ever be.
Why is this entry getting increasingly depressing? I think I know the answer.
So, as usual, random photos in no particular order. To figure out the recency of the photos, look at my hair length haha.
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| Taiwan |
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| Fisherman's Wharf, Taiwan |
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| Taiwan. Not sure why I had that strange expression. |
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| Taiwan, in the cold, with a fruit beer |
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| Boo! |
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| Genesis exhibition at SAM |
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| Bride :) |
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| Can't remember which cafe was this. Cute bear! |
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| Ah, for the curious. Think I wrote an entry on this. Spread the Murakami love! |
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| :) |
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| Re-reading D3. And I see my work laptop... |
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| Yummy salad at The Lawn |
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| Virgin try at Mediterranean food |
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| AM? MA? haha. |
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| Friday (special) lunch Sushi Bar :) |
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| Tamago love |
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| Remember this was super good. At the Marmalade Pantry with 383.8 |
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| Alien |
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| Slice of loveliness from dear colleagues |
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| Piccolo Latte |
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| Pile of onion rings! |
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| Piccolo Latte again |
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| Adorable latte art |
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| wooooo! |
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| Strange looking cherries |
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| Anago sushi. Looks like a long tongue. |
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| Murakami! |
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| Vegan ice cream :) |
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| Tamago love again |
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| 24th birthday |
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| Hello, lovely you. |
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| Zzz... |
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| :) |
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| Awesomeness. |
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| Egg white omelette with spinach, at Nassim Hill Bakery. DELICIOUS! |
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| 6 course vegetarian lunch :) |
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| Hold on tight! |
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| Kuro obaaachan |
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| Gingerbread house for Xmas :) |
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| Riesling for Xmas |
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| Sea of pink (again) at Jay Chou's concert |
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| Good singing, mum! |
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| :P |
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| Act yi ge. |
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| Happy Y2014 hahaha. Look at that hair! |
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| :) |
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| Xmas meet up waaay in advance |
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| Bins! |
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| Psych jiemeis! (with a bride-to-be :)) |
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| Shuffling at Shuffle |
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| At Flumpool's concert. T always towers over me. |
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| Weirdest tasting coke float in Jakarta |
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| A lot of fries (can't really see from here) OYS couldn't stop talking about this when we got back to Singapore. "Jas ate fries!!!" *look of disbelief* |
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| A very special birthday cake :P |
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| Colourful topless ice cream, at Earle Swensens |
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| "The place with stars on the ceiling!!!" |
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| Salmon love |
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| A warm bowl of goodness :) |
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| "Basketball ramen" still my favourite |
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| Too much meat... |
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| AWESOME SUSHI AT AOKI |
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| Pacman hotcakes |
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| :) |
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| heh |
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| In anticipation |
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| "I can die with no regrets now." |
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| Volcano ramen treat |
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| :) |
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| DEAR CELLO CHAN |
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| Big Mama |
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| Lang Leav, Love & Misadventures |
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| Most recent photo with T :) |
Going back to the point about this year being filled with scattered bits and pieces, come to think of it, maybe there is no need to pull everything together.
Things are disparate simply because.
At every corner, something awaits :)
~*~*~*
New year resolutions set for Y2014,
So for year 2014, a mix of measurable goals and aspirational goals (heh)
1. Read at least 3 non-fiction books (inspired by X) (FAIL. I started on more than 3, but completed 0.)
2. Tidy my room at least once every 3 months (the current state is.......) (FAIL. very terribly)
3. Exercise at least once a week! (Yes, I feel so unhealthy) (FAIL. very terribly as well. There was a short period of time when I actually did this... and then I stopped.)
4. Save $X amount of money by end 2014 (Somehow managed to!)
5. BE MORE CONFIDENT (A little?)
6. NOT BE AFRAID TO MAKE MISTAKES (Not really.)
7. COUNT MY BLESSINGS (is that measurable? haha) (I am doing that every night.)
So what's the point of coming up with new year resolutions when you are not sticking to them?!
To get around this problem, I shall set new year resolutions that are... comparatively easier to stick to.
1. Practise at least 3 hours of cello every week.
2. Save $X
3. Complete at least 1 non-fiction book.
4. Tidy my room at least once every year (HAHAHA)
5. STEP OUT OF COMFORT ZONE MORE OFTEN (aspirational)
~*~*~*
Myriads of opportunities, plenty of uncertainties...
What is this feeling?
Excitement? Anticipation? Anxiety?
A bit of everything, I suppose.
Will I still have the drive to push on, or will the jadedness set in earlier than expected?
Will I be able to stay anchored and true to my core being, and be able navigate my way around this labyrinth, and be brave enough to want to leave my footprints behind?
Can I be truly honest to myself?
Can I hold what's dear to me close to me?
Will I be able to let things go?
Will I still hurt, and be hurt?
I don't know, and the answers may be known in the new year.
Whatever it is,
let's try and be positive about it.
Let's all go and live. Live.
Happy Y2015 in advance!
