Back to the present~*

Death Cab for Cutie running in the background

Two novels left faced down, half-read (fickle-minded me)

Big mug of lukewarm water, half drank (or drunk? but half-drunk sounds like something else)

The whitish-cyanish light blinking, indicating there are unread text messages.

She sits there, her face illuminated by the laptop screen.

Typing.

But as she types, her mind wanders off.

Contemplating about people, things, emotions, events, hypothetical possibilities... the mundane, the abstract, the complicated.

It's never so simple, is it?

But that's not necessarily a bad thing.

~*~*~*

Felt that it's finally time to clean up my gmail inbox
Went back to read my old emails...

I was at a loss for words.

It was as if someone just hacked down the walls which held back all the memories - started in Y2005... photoshoot with MW & R, random emails on horoscope and whatnot (during the time when people enjoyed forwarding emails to one another), emails on class blogs / forums, personal emails (MW, we've got the most), emails on class assignments (PW...), emails with photos and videos attached...

Personal emails.

Things I've long forgotten, words I don't remember writing...
and now, the feelings come rushing back all at once.

It's amazing,
how much things have changed from then till now - all the bits and pieces that happened along the way, which shaped us in one way or another...

Then again, perhaps nothing much has changed.

~*~*~*

Fast forward back to the present.


The novels are now closed, sitting on my table.

The mug is empty.

The lights are still blinking.


It's interesting, when you examine your life from different vantage points - something stands out, no matter which perspective you take.

~*~*~*

Hours passed, just like that.


To end off, my current earworm - I Will Possess Your Heart by Death Cab for Cutie (the shortened version)



Possess my heart.

Bruises, cuts, wounds, fears, obsessions~*

[this is an extremely random post]

1. Got my wisdom teeth (2 lower ones) removed yesterday
It's definitely one of my top 5 traumatising experiences- the sight of 7 syringes (!!!) and a couple of unidentifiable tools neatly arranged on the metal tray, the way the warm, metallic liquid flowed continuously down my throat, the constant drilling, digging, tugging, pulling, more drilling, digging... and after it's all done, the bleeding, the fatigue, the swelling, the feverish sensation, the yucky antiseptic mouth wash, the LIQUID DIET.

Despite having undergone multiple extractions, for some reason, this one tops in terms of horribleness (is there such a word?).

But on the bright side, I get 5 days of MC (it really isn't so awesome, if you consider how much pain I've had to go through/ am still going through).

The good thing is at least the bleeding has stopped, and I'm not taking the painkillers anymore.

But, well, I look like a chipmunk. A silent chipmunk.


2. Fell down on the train, when the train suddenly e-braked.
Got a couple of nasty bruises and cuts.

SMRT, I don't even.


3. Tryptophobia (fear of clusters of holes)
... Just typing the words out gives me the goosebumps already.

It all started with a picture of a lotus root flower.
A lotus. I mean, seriously, how scary is it?

WRONG. It's downright creepy - the root flower.
While I'm fine with the lotus flower, and lotus root, I'm not okay with the lotus root flower.

Then I realised I might actually have tryptophobia.

Googling tryptophobia and seeing those images made my skin crawl. I had to close the tab immediately and look at some nice, cute photos to displace those horrible images of... urgh.

Okay, let's stop here.


4. 2048
I'm obsessed with the game.

During my wisdom tooth op, I tried to distract myself by thinking about how 2+2=4, 4+4=8...

And I still haven't figured out the strategy yet.


5.
Alone, but not alone.


\Okay, I'm starting to feel feverish again.
Shall go and rest.

source

Guard my heart;

watch over my solitude. 

The wolf and the girl. 

Bittersweet irony~*

What keeps you warm during a cold, wet, and lonely night...?

~*~*

A collision of the past and the present.

Such a bittersweet irony. 

~*~*

I flounder through life, making mistakes, trying to fix them, making more mistakes... and it goes on. 

But perhaps, on hindsight, mistakes aren't really mistakes after all.

~*~*

I walked my usual route.

The scenery didn't look quite the same. 

Then, I stopped and looked more closely at the trees.

The flowers were so lovely.

Lovely shades of yellow, red, pink and white. 

But I wonder how many people will stop and take a second glance at them... 

Why are we so hurried? 

It's time to slow down a little, myself included. 

~*~*

Was busy fiddling around with my new phone (finally, heh!) 

Arc S has served me well for the past 2 years plus.

Well enough to convert me to a Sony fan. 

~*~*

12.09am. 

It's late.

And when I wake up tomorrow, it'll be a start to another hectic week. 

Press on, people!!!

~*~*

It doesn't take much.

Really, it doesn't. 

Especially if it's you.

"You wear your heart on your sleeve," she told me.

Like an open book.

"You're hard to read," he told me.

Tough nut to crack, this one.


Different perspectives of the same person - in the light; in the shadows.



Perhaps I just haven't been very honest to myself.

Dear Life~*

I finally managed to put aside my petty grudges towards Alice Munro (kidding, I really didn't hold any grudges la.. *Context: Munro won the Nobel Prize last year... and Murakami didn't. I was grumbling about it because I always see Munro's books next to Murakami's in the library.) and picked up her 'Dear Life' - a collection of short stories and IT'S SO GOOD.

I'm halfway through the third story and I'm completely blown away.
I mean, how can anybody write like that?
She captured it perfectly - the intricacies of everyday life, the poignant encounters, the gentle touch of the arm, the bridled kisses... all written so delicately in shades of muted beiges and whites (... for now, at least).

Dear Life.

So many twists and turns, aren't there?

Maybe at one point of time, you really thought you're absolutely certain.
Then something throws you off the course - a person, a mistake, a new revelation, an unexpected situation...

We'll see.

 “Things have changed, of course. There are counsellors at the ready. Kindness and understanding. Life is harder for some, we're told. Not their fault, even if the blows are purely imaginary. Felt just as keenly by the recipient, or the non recipient, as the case may be. But good use can be made of everything, if you are willing.”

- Dear Life, Alice Munro

Blogging seems to have become a Sunday-night thing - an escape before the usual dreariness of Monday sets in.

Forget, to remember someday~*

Listening to Suzanne Vega (such amazing lyrics), Paul McCartney (Beatles-ish), Ryuichi Sakamoto (such emotional piano pieces...), London Philharmonic Orchestra (beautiful and gentle), Tori Amos (painfully nostalgic), Ingrid Michaelson (!!!), Emmy the Great ;), Of Monsters and Men (quirky), Bombay Bicycle Club (heh)...

All over the place. 

Just like myself.

~*~*

Recently, odd, random pieces of memory have been floating into consciousness 

superimposed on the new, young memories.

Events, thoughts and feelings which I thought have been long forgotten.

1. Forgetting

Memories don't get destroyed - they're simply stored away. 

What makes them so vague and unreliable is our inability to retrieve them as they were.

As they were. 

Sometimes, a certain chord progression would trigger a whole load of memories...; 

a familiar scent would make me halt in my steps;

an old song would make my eyes water;

a familiar scenery; 

a chain of words.

Things that I thought I've long forgotten. 

2. Vulnerabilities

When the deepest insecurities and vulnerabilities are surfaced,

my outer shell crumbles.

Because you know me, you are able to expose even my most well-concealed flaw, leaving me utterly defenseless, and very lost. 

Because. 

3. Naivety 

I met my teenager-self. 

She was so troubled, yet so strong.

She had such weird and bizzare thoughts and obsessions, coupled with such intense emotions.

She clam-ed up, and always wore the right expressions, did the right things.

She had to 'right' all 'wrongs'.

So eager to please.

At the same time, she truly immersed in the moment and at times, were genuinely happy. 

Time passed too quickly. 

We waved at each other, and we kept our distance, gazing at each other with such mixed feelings. 

Contemplating if we were envious of each other, or not. 

If we had reached out to each other, 

if the past and present had collided, 

what would have happened?

We looked on, and said nothing.

Then, we got lost in the crowd. 

It was a curious encounter.

Even more strange is the way I detach the past with the present, even though the present should be an accumulation of the past. Maybe at some point, an invisible line was drawn. 

4. I vs E

'Quiet' by Susan Cain is such a powerful book...

I can go on and on about it, but suffice to say (for now, since I'm only halfway through) that it's seemingly speaking out to me, and giving me a voice that I might never find anywhere else. 

It resonated so deeply within me that I wish I could reach out and give Susan a hug. 

She spoke on behalf of the largely misunderstood introverts, who often get drowned in the crowd, and are often so easily forgotten.

Even so, I know it's no excuse for me to continue remaining in comfort zone.

5. (Back to 1.) 

Things that were forgotten.

Collectively. 

These are the strangest, aren't they?

6.
Such amazing chords (Very Beatles-ish!)
One example of chord progressions which gave my heart such a tight squeeze.



"I'm very sure, this never happened to me before 
I met you and now I'm sure 
This never happened before"

I believe that everyone will have that magical encounter which will change their course of life forever...

Maybe even more than one.