Recalling fragments of a distant dream.

Were we in black...?
Where were we...?

Emotions came and went, in waves.

The disturbing syncopation of two hearts - grossly out of sync.

A voice said,"Don't worry, you'll wake up and realise that it's all just another nasty dream."

"Can I believe you...?"

Somewhere along the line we lost the horizon,
I've been looking 'round, up and down
Nowhere there, nowhere there

Someday I hope we can find the horizon
I've been all around the world

Nothing is clear, no, no, no!
Nothing is clear to me now at all
Nothing is clear, oh nothing is clear,
Nothing is clear to me now at all
Nothing is clear, nothing is clear,
Nothing is clear to me, nothing is clear,

Nothing is clear, nothing is clear.

So this is how it feels like.

Little pieces falling away...
slicing through you...

Leaving a crimson trail behind.

You don't know when the bleeding will stop. Maybe never.


There's nothing left to be said.



I'm better off dead.

Lessons from Silver Linings Playbook~*

source

Quote from Silver Linings Playbook

We're all damaged and flawed in so many ways.

1. I guess it's timely for me to watch Silver Linings Playbook, especially during a period of time when I really need to find my silver lining.

2. Deep down, I wish I could be as feisty as Tiffany (Jennifer Lawrence) - not being afraid to live.
Right now, I'm exactly who Tiffany isn't - the conformist, the coward, the meek.

3. It's good to have someone who understands.
Understanding isn't just about nodding and listening (though that helps too).
It's about being here, being accepting, being non-judgmental...
Maybe it's also about having similar thoughts and feelings (even the dark ones), similar insecurities and vulnerabilities...

It makes you feel less alone.

4. Don't be so quick to judge.
Just like how we don't like others to judge us, we shouldn't impose our own ideals onto others...
We are all just trying our best, aren't we?

~*~*~*
For myself,
happiness is a vulnerable entity.

I'm afraid of so many things - disappointments, empty promises, goodbyes, heartaches, mistakes, failure etc.
and because of these fears, they constrain me and make it difficult for me to relax and loosen up.
And of course, I find it difficult to let things go and accept them as they are.

Accept life as it is; accept myself as I am,
you know?

Does accepting things as they are mean being resigned...?

Or maybe, it's about understanding that perhaps, nothing will ever go the way you want them to be.
So, why not let things take shape on their own?

"Just anyhow whack la! At least we know we've tried."

That kind of attitude, you know?

I feel something so right 

By doing the wrong thing 

And I feel something so wrong 

By doing the right thing 

I couldn't lie, couldn't lie, couldn't lie 

Everything that kills me makes me feel alive

- One Republic, Counting Stars 

(reminds of the terrible typo I'd made last week - I wrote "counting STATS" instead. Gosh.)

[I stared at this blank page for a good 5 minutes...

all the while, random melancholic songs (everything sounds sad to me) were playing through my ear piece... 

Then, Ryuichi Sakamoto's 'AMORE' gave my heart such a hard squeeze, I was instantly jolted back to reality... I blogged about this before - 'Amore' is one powerful piano piece... quiet, but powerful, nonetheless.]

It has been a long while since I last cried this hard, this much. 

Unstoppable. 

It was as if a dam just burst. Perhaps, there were too many things to cry about...

Yet, I feel that I haven't fully emptied myself of tears yet...

[Another couple of minutes passed... and again, I was just staring at the computer screen...]

I find it hard to put all these feelings into words.

How frustrating...

I hadn't known I was capable of experiencing such a complex mix of emotions... 

So vaguely familiar... and peculiar at the same time. 

The heart is heavy. 

So is my head;

so are my eyelids.

What is "the end of everything"?

Does "the end" take us by surprise?

Or does it gradually become something comprehensible...? 

Will it be accompanied by intense tremors and angry tears?

Or will it come with quiet acceptance...?

I desperately need something... 

to subdue the pain. 

What is this...?

A beautiful dream,

that,

is only a dream. 

Here & There~*

1. Fragility.

Here at this instant, gone in the next.
The heart is pumping... but everything stops someday.

2. Antithesis.

Having seen the bright lights of the day doesn't make you anymore knowledgeable about the depth of darkness at night.

3. Intensity.

Love so hard until it hurts.

3.5. Somewhere in Between. 

Sights, sounds, smells... all blended together with the night.

The nights which oscillated between dream and reality...

Let's hold hands and gaze at the moon... 

It would be such a beautiful sight...
so beautiful that my heart would ache and I would cry. 

4. Tranquility.

Hualien, you're so beautiful.

Taroko Gorge

When everything is in balance and you're suddenly at ease with yourself.

Sunset at Fisherman's Wharf (Taipei)

Fisherman's Wharf (Taipei)

 It doesn't take much to achieve that tranquility... yet.

5. Quiet Room.

Retreated into the quiet room, and curled up on the soft and velvety maroon coloured armchair.

So comfortable,
too comfortable.

The door is closed, and you're not ready to open it.
But you're afraid that you might never be ready to open it...

What are you afraid of, really...? 

6. Chrysalis 

Stop hiding.

7. MH.

"Wait! Let me take a photo of this!" 

This ad occupied an entire wall (Page One at Taipei)

"How long must I wait for the English translation.........."

Still cannot get over how long the title is.

8. Her.

Maybe she isn't that kind of girl to begin with...
that kind of girl.

maybe it isn't because she's not trying hard enough,
but because she no longer understands why she needs to try to become someone else.

Wrapped in thought (...ok that's quite lame)

9. Happy Lunar New Year.

It has been a pretty strange lunar new year so far... 

Out of ordinary I guess..

But anyway, it's still a much needed break from work (hell will be unleashed starting from tomorrow), and also a good opportunity to spend more time with my family.

Also, I do hope that she will get well soon...!!! 

It pains me to see young children get very sick... (Totally reminds me of Pediatric Psych...) 

So people, do take care of your health!! 

On a related note, it's time to DETOX (mind and body)!!!!