An Education~*

At some point in time,
we got our hearts broken.

While some of us were able to gather the broken shards and piece them back together,
others are still searching for the missing pieces...

Nobody taught us
what is hurt,
what is regret,
what is betrayal
what is life...

and neither did anyone tell us
how to mend our hearts, our souls,
how to recover,
how to feel alive again.

nor did anyone offer us a map to navigate through life.

Because these things cannot be taught.
They can only be learnt from experiences.


"I feel old, but not wise."

- Jenny (starred by Carey Mulligan), An Education

There are still many more life lessons for me to learn.
It's probably not going to be easy,
but..., we'll see.

Carte Vierge~*

source

Please hold my hand,

and guide me. 

"...beautiful heartbreak or endless dream..."

It doesn't matter.

Destination: nowhere.

It doesn't matter.

~*~*
Surreal. 

How do you know if something really happened?

Seeking for some proof, some evidence.
To assure myself that it wasn't just another vivid dream.

the aching heart, the racing heartbeat, the flush. 

Couldn't have stemmed from thoughts & dreams alone.

~*~*
Celeste & Jesse Forever 

(source)

What matters more...?
Being right, or being happy?  

This film gave me such a strange mix of emotions that (perhaps it's due to my limited vocabulary) cannot put in words...

Celeste said this during her best friend's wedding.

"Work hard at that. 

Respect that. 

Be patient, and you don’t always have to be right. 

And if you are, it doesn't f***ing matter anyway. 

Fight for it, everyday. 

I wish I had."

I wish I had. 

That's such a sad sentence, isn't it? 

I wish I knew.

I wish I did. 

I wish I had. 

I wish it could have been like this.

It might have been like this. 

Expressions of regret. 

Regret.

It possesses an element of... knowing.

Before you feel regretful, you'll need to know what was the 'right' thing you should have done. 

And it also means you had a choice. 

But unfortunately, you made a wrong choice.

How do you know whether or not you're going to make a decision which you might regret? 

You don't. 

And you can only assume that it is right, until proven otherwise.

It's not a love story, but a story about love. 

Work hard for it.

If things don't work out eventually, at least we know we've tried.

And then, 

we'll know.

It taught me that,

When it's time to let go, we've got to let it go.

This song is the perfect song for this movie.

Have been putting it on repeat.

so achingly... sad. 

~*~*
Ctrl ?

"When I play games, I'll save the game and restart if it's not turning out the way I want it to be. 
But unfortunately, life is not a game."

No Ctrl + Z, no Ctrl + X, no backspace.

~*~*
Live in the moment.

How much time do we have left,
before cognitive dissonance sets in...?

Till then,
let's go somewhere far away..., shall we?

Musings~*

[spent days on this entry, which is made up of several weird, random and disparate thoughts/observations]

source

Falling, and letting myself fall. 

~*~*
The entity. 

Something formless,
something constantly in flux,
something which is not definitive.

Yet,
I want to try to reach out for it.

If you believe in it,
you'll feel it,
see it,
touch it.

It won't be just simply make-believe,
if you believe in me. 

~*~*~*

Let the rain fall. 

That night,
I walked in the rain.

Stopped, lowered my umbrella, and raised my face towards the sky.

I felt the raindrops on my face.
and
I saw a part of the silver moon, peeking through a few dark clouds.

Suddenly, the world retreated away from me.

Things shifted, shapes changed, and time stopped.

Alone, with the rain.

~*~*~*

What if.

Let's not think about the hypothetical situations.

Because, at times, they make us sad.

~*~*~*

Torn faces.

This morning, while waiting for the train, I spotted this man scratching his face rather forcefully.
It looked as if he were trying to tear away his face.

And it occurred to me that,
perhaps, he got tired of his current face and wished to reveal what lay beneath - the raw expressions.

~*~*~*

Flight of imagination

When I was younger,
I hoped that I could see a different world when I looked at the mirror (or any reflective surface)...

Even today,
even though I know better, I would still secretly hope to spot something odd in my own reflection.

Peering at a puddle on the ground,
I said to myself,

"Hello, you look familiar. Do I know you...?"

~*~*~*

The beige and white cat. 

I know parents often tell their kids not to touch stray animals, because who knows what horrifying parasites and viruses they have.
Well, I guess their concerns are pretty legit.

Nevertheless, I still like stray cats and enjoy playing with them (and I reckon the affection is mutual??).

Their intense gazes seem to convey so much.
If you look hard enough, you start to get drawn into their mysterious world.

Such enigmatic creatures...

The cat knows. 

~*~*~*

On the tightrope

A delicate balancing act.

But what motivated you to step onto the tightrope in the first place...?

~*~*~*

What will become of us? 

Loved & appreciated.
Knowing you occupy a small space in someone's heart.
that you're on someone's mind.

Invigorated & energised
Your heart flutters;
your steps become lighter.

and life becomes more tolerable.

It doesn't take too much.

Just the recognition and/or acknowledgement that you mean something to another person, and that someone's life has become more beautiful (albeit just a little) because of you.

That's all. 

~*~*~*

Flowers & Birds.

What comes to mind?

Both are most beautiful when they are not contained.

But alas, I see a birdcage of flowers.

Not sure what's with the cheeky smiles.

~*~*~*

Where's my xxx...? 

Some of us have gotten our hearts trampled on before...
Which is why we start to become skeptical... 

Even so, we're still hoping, believing, and searching. 

There's a special someone X somewhere out there... 

yes, I believe there is.

Have you met your X? 

In my own way~*

I know I've been flooding this space with lots of Keane.

They have too, too many good songs... (had such a tough time finding one to embed here)
and they do such good acoustic renditions of their songs.

This one struck a chord...

Drag your heart up to the starting line 
Forget the ghosts that make you old before your time 
It's too easy to get left behind 
I know you've been kicked around 
You wanna be lost but now you're found 
Lets take the back way into town 
Drink to the bad times 
Lay them down on me

- The Starting Line



~*~*~*
And this. 



You've got nowhere to go 
got no way out of this hole 
got no one to say "Its all just the way things are" 

Wouldn't it be good 
to look into a brighter day? 
It's just the way things are 

In your own time 
there's no map to guide our way 
So I say nothing, 
you say nothing 

In your own way 
Thought I could help you find your place 
but I'm as lost as you are lost these days 

Oh wouldn't it be fine 
to close your eyes and see something 
something more than this? 

In your own time 
there's no map to guide our way 
so I say nothing, 
you say nothing 

In your own way 
Thought I could help you find your place 
But I'm as lost as you are lost 
it's not the way 

Things are going to change, you know 
The battles you have fought won't go to waste, you know 
If things are gonna change, 
it just takes time. 

Oh, in your own time 
there's no map to guide our way 
so I say nothing, 
you say nothing in your own way 

Thought I could help you find your place 
But I'm as lost as you are lost 
It's just the way 
It's just the way 
It's just the way 
It's just the way

- In your own way

~*~*~*

A non-existent place which we all yearn to go to.

"Maybe we just can't go to this place yet."

I'll find the secret entrance.
shhh. 

Sun & Moon~*

source

At a non-existent place,

we stand, looking ahead, at nothing in particular.

Suddenly,

you pick me up,

and twirl me around and around and around...

The sky, stars, sun, clouds and moon are spinning...

everything merge, separate, and merge again. 

Turning into a beautiful kaleidoscope of colours...   

until we're both breathless, our faces flushing, our laughter echoing in the vastness... 

and you plant a soft kiss on my forehead.

... at a non-existent place, 
where the moon and sun exist together,
where night is day, 
where emotions are set free,  
where our hearts are filled,
where anything seems possible.

and you remain as who you are,
and I am still who I am. 

Curtain call~*

[To provide a little context (though it's less than 50% related to what I'm going to write),
several coincidental incidents occurred during the past week. 
One of which was particularly unsettling...]

Strange coincidences,
chance encounters.

A beautiful story begins...

Everything can be reduced to mere statistics.
Probabilities, odds, chances.

But,
if we put that rational and factual way of thinking aside,
and start to let the brain wander and venture into various possibilities...,

then,
do all these mean something?

If we think about it carefully,
being able to meet this person,
and getting to know this person, out of the hundreds, thousands, millions, billions of people
can be considered as a

m i r a c l e.


Yet,
something begins,
something ends.

Letting go
cutting the strings
slowly, allowing the precious things to seep through your fingers

surrendering,
and not looking back.

And what has become of the miracle vanishes at that very instant.

How heartbreaking.

So, please.
Treasure, cherish, appreciate, and love...

A beautiful story begins;
another one ends quietly, 

and the curtain falls.

Naked Heart~*

source

Can you take me as I am...? 
Stop judging, stop criticising.
Accept me whole.

As the jasmine.

"... hey that's me."

I cut myself open
to show you what's inside of me.

I handed my naked heart to you.
For you to keep it safe and protected.

Yet,
are you ready to accept it...?
With all the imperfections and ugliness...?

If not,
I would take it back.

I would take it back
and I would wrap it with thorns.

And risk piercing myself. 

If knowing me better makes you love me less,
then perhaps,

I'm really not that lovable to you.


~*~*




Oh, simple thing, where have you gone? 
I'm getting old and I need something to rely on. 
So, tell me when you're gonna let me in, 
I'm getting tired and I need somewhere to begin. 

- Keane, Somewhere Only We Know

The problematic being~*

source

Tinkling softly. 

"As long as there's such thing as time, everybody's damaged in the end, changed into something else. It always happens, sooner or later."

"But even if that happens, you've got to have a place you can retrace your steps to."

"A place you can retrace your steps to?"

"A place that's worth coming back to."

...

"When I was 15," Miss Saeki says with a smile, "all I wanted was to go off to some other world, a place beyond anybody's reach. A place beyond the flow of time."

"But there's no place like that in this world."

"Exactly. Which is why I'm living here, in this world where things are forever being damaged, where the heart is fickle, where time flows past without a break."

- Murakami Haruki, Kafka on the Shore

Happy sigh.

Such beautiful things that he writes. 

Discontented sigh.

I can't read in Japanese... I bet the words are even more elegant in Japanese. 

On a sidenote, 

Murakami is being named as the most likely author to clinch this year's Nobel Prize for Literature (AGAIN. I reckon I've written that sentence many, many times! Nevertheless, I'm still feeling excited for him.). 

And I'm also waiting patiently for his new novel 'Colourless Tasaki Tsukuru and the Year of His Pilgrimage' to be translated to English.

Oh, and Ruth Ozeki's 'A Tale for the Time Being' (yes, the one I kept raving on in some of my recent entries) was also nominated for Man Booker Prize! 

T's lovely birthday presents for me :)
Murakami & Ozeki heh

~*~*~*

"Life is funny."

I've heard this comment many times, said/muttered by different people. 

Because there's simply no way to anticipate what's going to happen next,

the oddest, most peculiar and remarkable incidents occur...

While some discoveries can be really awesome, others are just plain awful. 

B told me that she doesn't really plan very far ahead... because it's usually pointless.

Who knows what will happen tomorrow? 

Indeed, who knows?

Do you? 

The people who enter your life suddenly.

The unplanned occurrences.

The spontaneous things we do, on impulse. 

So interesting.

Yet.

There's a subtle sense of loneliness when the euphoria subsides... 

~*~*~*

Your angel-demon.

Half angel, half demon.

"I can relate to that. We're all like that."

With half of my face hidden in the shadows. 

Somehow, I'm reminded of the

Comedy and Tragedy masks.

~*~*~* 

X introduced me to Ingrid Michaelson.

I've heard of her for some time, but haven't gotten round to listen to her songs.

Now that I've done that,

I'm hooked.

~*~*~*

Something pristine. 

Absolutely untouched, pure and perfect. 

Something you will want to protect.

As opposed to a tainted, damaged entity. 

A messy footpath; a canvas covered with angry streaks. 

"It doesn't matter how I treat him/her because he/she is probably damaged beyond repair."

Do you say this to yourself? 

People don't usually like ugly things, do they?

~*~*~*
Went back to listen to Mindy Gledhll...

Always overwhelmed with emotions when I listen to this song.
Resonates so deeply with me..

I'm a feather in the wind 

I'm up and then I'm down again 

and all the places I have been 

to heavens gate and 'round the bend 

Things are never what 

They appear to be 

'Cause everybody's trying to grab a hold of me 

So catch me if you can 

Set me free again 

Like a feather in the wind 

I'm a reflection in the glass 

'Cause I cant keep from looking back 

And all the pages that I lack 

Are stuck inside a broken past 

Things are never what 

They appear to be 

So I'll dig a little deeper 

Than what the eye can see

And if anybody asks 

Making friends at last 

With my reflection in the glass 

I'm softer than a bride in white 

But I'm tough enough to fight my own fight 

Sometimes higher than a quivering kite 

More lowly than a beggars plight 

Like a fire in the night 

I'm burnin up with all my might 

Don't wanna flicker out of sight 

Fade into the morning light 

Things are never what 

They appear to be 

Cause only time will tell when I'm ashes at your feet 

So when I'm burnin bright 

Let me be your light 

Like a fire in the night

Things are never what 

They appear to be 

So many different pieces 

Make up the whole of me 

So hold me in your hands 

Take me as I am 

'Cause I'm a feather 

I'm a reflection 

I'm a fire in your direction 

I'm unruly 

I'm undone 

So just love me as I come

- Mindy Gledhill, Feather in the Wind

Will you still love someone who's tainted in her own ways...? 

Fundamentally flawed. 

~*~*~*

Reflections. Directions. 

I was riding in a train one morning.
As the train was horribly packed, I was forced to a corner, facing the glass next to the door (awkward position, I know).
Being really bored (no space to even reach for my phone or read my book), I busied myself by staring at the passing scenery reflected on the glass.

It's fascinating.
Because if you stare at it long and hard enough, you can actually deceive yourself into believing that the train is travelling in the opposite direction.

So where are you heading towards, really?

~*~*~*

It's a gift to possess a simple and straightforward way of thinking.

Always go with the simplest, most parsimonious way of explanation - Occam's Razor.

If you're not good enough, you're not good enough. 

~*~*~*

There are words stuck in my throat, and at my fingertips.

Some things just cannot be verbalised and concretised.
Because when they do, they just don't seem to make much sense.

I can be irrational at times.
Rationalising things in my own way, comforting myself, deceiving myself.

Self-defense mechanism.
One of the ineffective kinds.

~*~*~*

Negative as I am,
I won't forget to count my blessings.

Lost as I am,
there are still people there to anchor me, to guide me, to make me smile, and make me feel sane, amidst all the insanity going on around me...

I'm grateful.

Thank you all (you know who you are).

~*~*~*

What a long entry...

In summary,

I'm exhausted;
I'm scared;
I'm confused;
I'm cautious;
I'm bruised;
I'm uncertain...

but

I will walk on;
I will hold on;
I will (try and) be stronger.

Trying to be...
Being... 

You're lovely~*

I see an angel. Do you?

[Listening to Ryuichi Sakamoto's piano pieces and Nouvelle Vague... sets your soul free] 

"Whatever it is you're seeking won't come in the form you're expecting."

- Murakami Haruki, Kafka on the Shore

That's my current channel to escape from reality. 

Why do you want to escape... and from what, really?


Affirmations.
All of us need them. 

While you may be quite confident, there are definitely moments when you aren't so sure about yourself (excluding the narcissists). 

Am I good enough...?
Am I lovable...? 

Although we should look inside for answers to these questions,
sometimes, we might need a little help from friends [ok not just friends, but I was trying to link it to 'With a Little Help From My Friends' by The Beatles, heh.]

Anyhow, I was referring to our 'looking glass self'. 

Looking at yourself through others' eyes
Regardless of colour... black, brown, yellow (haha)

Of course, we shouldn't do it so frequently till our self-worth becomes largely dependent on others' perceptions of us (external contingent self-worth)..
we should still (try to) value, cherish and love ourselves, even if the world hates us.

But my point is that,
if you like this person, and you find something remarkable, amazing or lovely about this person (and the person is unaware of it), point it out!

I mean, why be so stingy with positive compliments (as long as they are your honest opinions and you're not just boot-licking/pleasing them for some reason).
Since we're the mirror they are looking at, our opinions do matter to a certain degree (depending on your importance to them, too).

You never know how much happiness and confidence your compliment will give them :)

I understand this very well because I used to be caught up with searching for myself in others' eyes...
losing my own evaluation of myself,
and my self-love dwindled.

At the mercy of another person. 

You really never know when your statement can make or break another person.
So, do show your love to those who are lovable.

And as for the hurtful, nasty words, chuck them aside in a distant corner in your vocab depository.
Because sometimes, words can be as lethal as weapons...

Anyway, I know I've repeated this 847032746324 times but yes,
I'm still learning to love myself more.