The heat~*

Wise, calm Ian, 

who had led me into a world 

where you could have panic attacks and nightmares 

and still know that somewhere there was a hand that would wipe your tears, 

that would wake you at night and walk you to the window, 

and show you how the moon illuminates the building across the way 

and a little stretch of street.

- 'When I Forgot' by Elina Hirvonen

There was a period of time last month when I started picking up novels written Finnish/Norwegian authors.

Very beautiful prose... but I reckon it would be even more beautiful before translation.

These days I've come to see more light.

And understand what it means to persevere and having your efforts pay off.

Grateful.

For the optimism amidst the apparent hopelessness. 

LIFE. and the brevity of it.

I really don't know how to describe it. 

On a sidenote, 

1. I nose-bled in the train today. To prevent causing any alarm (and commuters pressing the emergency button), I frantically sniffed back all my blood. Ok gross.

2. Data collection is about to begin. It's a mixture of excitement, nervousness and anxiety. Fingers crossed!

3. The weather is more erratic than my mood. HEH. 

Mabel: Your mood is quite stable eh.

Jas: Stably negative. 

4. I'm feeling increasingly ill from the sweltering heat. Hence, I'm super grateful for the downpour this afternoon. 

5. I think I'm as conscientious as a sloth. (not sure if there's a link but I'm trying to depict the slow progress in my school work)  

6. The semester is coming to an end and it's befuddling. I mean, huh? Where did the days fly to?? No wonder I'm ageing so fast. @_@

7. This whole semester just gives me a very very bad feeling - I feel doomed even before taking my finals. It's THAT bad. 

8. My.hair.is.too.too.too.long (for my liking) 

I should rest early tonight.

I really can't risk falling sick anytime soon. 

Drink more water, people! 

Oh, and happy 8th birthday, trj! :)

What gets us through our day~*

OPPA GANGNAM STYLE!

The past few weeks have been pretty tough. 

And I've been repeating certain words and phrases over and over to myself.

On hopes, dreams, expectations and... letting things go. 

I know that if certain things are beyond reach, they will remain so.

That's not to say that I'm letting important things slip through my fingers without putting up a good fight.

I will, but whether or not I will attain what I set out to attain is something that I will probably never know.

Need to stay anchored.

So, I am convincing myself to let the big dreams go, and focus on the things that are right in front of my eyes. 

What is possible.

What I really want.

What I can do. 

What I must do.

Perhaps, at the end of the day, it's best not to have expectations at all.

But, maybe, fiercely protecting a weak flame of hope might not be such a bad thing?

Whatever it is, it's time to be a little less uptight, to slow down a little... and not grouse over the littlest bit of imperfection, to stop worry incessantly and stop ruminating over the smallest shit...

I hate it that I ruminate excessively.

It kills my brain cells and throws me off the edge into the abyss. 

Loosen your grip; you can do so much better... 

~*

It hasn't been easy/and won't be easy

But I'm grateful to have people around me who keep me sane most of the time.

People who take the time to entertain my nonsense; to listen to my annoying grouses... 

people who make me smile and laugh.

and of course, you. 

360 degrees, 365 days.

~*

On the other hand, looking through the massive amount of photos of my sis' wedding day & night, I've come to realize... 

how awfully money-faced I am. (LUI BIN)

Nearly every photo of me as a 'jiemei' captures me counting money/holding money and cackling away/looking greedily at the brothers etc. 

And of course,

I keep telling Mr Z how lucky he is to have a very brotherly bunch of brothers with their pretty girlfriends. 

And how everyone can just hang around during gatherings and play games/chit-chat together.

and last but definitely not least,

I've probably never seen my dad smile so happily on camera before. 

There's a bunch of photos which showcased my parents' smiles perfectly.

And they nearly choked me up,

reminding me how much it took for us to get here together... and to move on from there together.

I don't know how to end this entry, seriously. 

Bits and pieces here, there and everywhere.

Well, I suppose... 

I know what will get us through the day...

something that warms you up inside. 

I suppose that's love. 

Slapped~*

I guess what doing thesis has taught me is that rejections are inevitable.

Regardless of purpose, intent, contexts...
rejections are inevitable.

You may feel like you've been SLAPPED the very first time you are rejected,
but subsequently, your skin grows thicker and each slap hurts less than the preceding one.
until, eventually, it merely feels ticklish.

Well, I'm definitely not there yet, and rejections can get a little hard to handle.
But still, I guess it prepares me for many more rejections to come...

The Pessimist~*

"Defensive pessimism again!!!"
"Aiyo, defensive pessimism..."
"You see? Defensive pessimism."

Because I'm

a

true,

blue,

unarguably


DEFENSIVE PESSIMIST.

What lies ahead?~*

credits

My windscreen is a tad too foggy.

There comes a time in life when you start to reassess yourself and everything that is supposedly planned. 

It is during that time when I feel the most helpless. 

I suppose I have (somehow) arrived at this junction where I need to start figuring out what the hell I have been doing so far, and what am I going to do from now on. 

A BIG BIG QUESTION MARK.

A BLANK. 

What has been bugging me pretty badly these days is my seemingly perpetual feeling of lethargy/inertia that is constantly holding me back and making me want to stay put and not go anywhere.

I don't know where that comes from. 

It's like, while everybody is rushing to somewhere; busy with RELEVANT work, I just want to close my eyes and drift off and never come back again.

Am I truly, absolutely burnt out? 

I don't know about that either.

What I do know is that, I feel like I'm on a lone float drifting in an ocean.

Carried by the waves to... somewhere, nowhere.

I don't know where I'm heading towards, 

but I know I cannot stop; I cannot slow down.

I can choose to leave the float and swim on my own.

But, SHIT, I can't swim. 

Ah well, a lousy analogy. 

Anyhow, to summarize all the bullshit, 

FUTURE IS DAUNTING. 

AND I'M CLUELESS. 

Negativity is swallowing me like a swarm of bees.

To think I thought I've cast it far, far away... 

Oh, and

I was excitedly anticipating the announcement but...

Murakami Haruki DIDN'T win the Nobel Prize. :(

But it's alright. Nobel laureate or not, he's still AWESOME. :)

right.

Goodnight. 

The Killers~*

SO skj$#!f3%7j& GOOD,
I keep looping everything.

It has been a while since I was last being transported elsewhere by songs...
Quite surprising how I found it from The Killers.




The morning dove sings with two broken wings,Carry me home,I’m not afraid,The stars in my eyes were shimmering lights,Carry me home,Don’t let me fade away.






 Yeah we were innocent and young 
 Dust clouds settle 
 My eyes are clear 
 But sometimes the dreams have impact I still hear 
 Miss Atomic Bomb