Not a girl~*

sick to the stomach.
my flu seems to be worsening. and my voice comes and goes.

lots of things have started to make me question myself.

"Why am I so different from other girls?"

I don't know how to put it...
but to put it simply, I don't feel like I come from Venus, along with other girls.
rather, I probably come from the moon or pluto (no longer a planet) or someplace like... Saturn or Uranus, or maybe some random star.

I'm just... not the typical type of female.


and definitely not sugar, spice and everything nice.


Anyway, here is an awesome piece of music :)




edit:
it's sad to constantly belittle yourself and glorify others...
social comparisons.
never good enough.
after all, what IS 'good enough'?


but still, that doesn't stop you from feeling bitter because you feel that you could have been a better person, unlike who you currently are...

Random~*

1.

There's something mysterious about sleeping - the more you sleep, the more tired you get (a rather strange correlation).

Anyway, I outdid myself by taking a pretty long nap this afternoon.

In case you don't know, my afternoon naps last for 15 mins on average.

Today, I slept for nearly 3 hours. 

I woke up in shock and to my horror, I still felt sleepy after that. 

Worse, I'm feeling drowsy now. 

2.

I'm down with flu and a bad case of sore throat (probably throat infection or something). 

And on top of that, I'm voiceless. 

AGAIN.

(How many times must that happen, seriously.)

As children's health comes first, I'm probably not going to work tomorrow. 

3. 

I'm very, very, very worried.

Prepared for the worst.... I hope. 

4. 

I JUST CANNOT SMILE PROPERLY.

It irks me to no end whenever I peer into the playback screen of my cam and discover that to my horror, my face has twisted into some terrible, undecipherable expression AND/OR super unnatural and forced fake smile...

I just cannot look into a camera and smile genuinely and properly. 

There are people who look super fabulous and photogenic on camera and looking at their photos makes me feel like a deflated balloon/expired canned food (??!!). 

anyway, the thing is I probably have never seen my own duchenne smile. 

Instead, all I see are lopsided, awkward and awful smiles/grins/snarls.

Which is why... other than keepsake purposes, I'm avoiding the camera. 

Actually, now that I think about it, why must we SMILE for the camera? 

Why can't we just remain expressionless/poker-faced for the camera? 

an example of a super awkward expression amidst many beautiful smiles

an example of a horribly twisted expression
-> trying to be funny but turns out to be awkward

urgh. 

I'm still very, very, very, very worried until I think I can feel my innards twisting about

Friends~*

It feels great to be able to catch up with old friends :)

I've always liked that sense of familiarity - the way our conversations start right from where we stopped ages ago. 

Because we've been through quite a bit, therefore it feels comfortable being yourself around them...

As opposed to being with people we've known only at the very shallow level.

There's just something about old friends which kind of keeps your mental health in check. 

Or rather, it helps you remember who you are...

They have already accepted you for who you are; you don't even need to put up a good show to enthrall them. 

They are the people who know the best and worst of you; who laugh at that exact moment, as you have predicted; who give you the knowing look when you well, need it. 

You see,

I'm a person who cherish the old and surround myself with people whom I believe are people who matter to me. 

Yes, I don't have a wide social circle.

Probably because I'm not a social butterfly (not that I yearn to become one anyway) 

and I prefer my own circle of close friends to a big bunch of eh-I-don't-really-have-things-to-say-to-you acquaintances.

Like I've said a million times, people who can tolerate my constant whining, my highly contagious negative thinking/pessimism and this seemingly perpetually active brain (for all the wrong reasons) are AWESOME PEOPLE. 

Hence, I am really, really grateful to have them in my life. 

Just feeling rather sentimental now. 

On a sidenote, I really adore the children at the centre. It's impossible not to love them. They are what keep me going and well.. my source of determination to do a good job for the next one month. 

And I'm filled with so much dread for the release of exam results. 

It's as if I'm being dragged back down to reality and to have some ugly truth smacked right in my face.
Time to FACE.THE.MUSIC.JASMINE......


Nice song to end a day. (waiting for my hair to dry...................... btw, my hair is of a pretty amazing length now. the longest yet.)

Words to live by~*

1.

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INTERNALIZE THESE WORDS.


2.

"Irretrievably lost." 

- '1Q84' by Murakami Haruki

These 2 words are deeply etched in my long term memory.
I hadn't fully grasped the meaning of this phrase until the day before yesterday.

what does it mean to you...?



3.
I want to hope that this very good friend of mine will be strong enough to tide through this period. I don't know if you will ever read this but still, I believe you will be able to overcome the odds eventually. You are always the one who looks on the bright side of things and encourage me to do the same. Hence, I truly hope you can carry this attitude on when facing the crises. Thank you for telling me and I hope I can be your pillar of support during this tough period of time. Lots and lots of love :) 






I wrote many, many things.
wrote and rewrote.
but alas, some people managed to catch a glimpse of the unedited version of this post.
But ya, they are all now securely locked, waiting to be forgotten.

Childcare~*

today, I

- changed nearly 30 diapers
- cleaned 3 butts of toddlers who defecated
- chased many toddlers
- had gooey mixture of rice, soupy veg, fish and tofu on my feet and hands
- wiped several noses
- comforted many toddlers
- held many many sticky and slimy hands
- have bruises on my knees, mosquito bites (??!!), terrible muscle ache from carrying the toddlers and aching thighs and feet
- am going deaf from the deafening wails of the youngest toddler of the group who MUST have my attention and just simply cannot tolerate me attending to other toddlers... thankfully, after half the day had passed, I've successfully habituated to it.


2nd day of work and I'm thoroughly exhausted.
Feels like I've had intense physical training sessions for 2 days straight.
At the end of the day, I stink, I'm covered with germs and bacteria, I'm soaked in perspiration, my hair is a disheveled mess, I look like crap.

Seriously, I've never looked forward to going home and scrubbing myself thoroughly from head to toe so much before in my life.


but, nevertheless, their innocence, curiosity, eagerness to explore, learn and trust, with (I'm pretty certain) hardly an ounce of what people would call 'evilness' in them just makes the whole job really rewarding.
not to mention when they smile and laugh...

and it warmed my heart today when I saw a few toddlers gently patting the heads of the toddlers who cried.
Even though it might just be pure modelling (I do it so often...), I prefer to view this as a first stop towards empathy development.

well, well, and of course, beneath it all...
right, I'm not in the position to say more here.
But if I cannot stand it any longer, I might...

on a sidenote, I tested object permanence with some of the toddlers. Apparently the older ones grasped it :) observing them really provided me with knowledge of development psychology way past the text and any other readings. think I shall test "attachment to caregiver in childcare centre" soon (using Ainsworth Strange Situation) hehehehe. =X

Oh, and the gums on the left side of my mouth are still tender and swollen... I still can't bite using the teeth on the left... which means, the stuff I'm eating are pretty much like the stuff I feed the toddlers...

yay! a nice dinner and catch up to energize myself a little! :)

the girls said I'm going to be a "super mum" in future and that they are going to leave their babies with me if they need to work hahaha.

Maybe I should really consider baby-sitting! ;)

1Q84~*

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“Things may look different to you than they did before. 

I've had that experience myself. 

But don't let appearances fool you. 

There's only one reality.”

- '1Q84' by Murakami Haruki

I'm becoming increasingly obsessed and preoccupied with 1Q84.

Hardly able to contain the anticipation, excitement and the gush of mixed feelings that overwhelm me after reading another line of the book. 

(which is why I prevent myself from reading it too quickly because I don't want the journey to end so soon... and I know that it is possible for me to finish the book in a few days' time and forgo everything else... when I get truly obsessed)

Anyhow, I love everything about the book thus far. 

It's just.... unbelievable. 

And I couldn't stop replaying this song...

although it's pretty eerie and... unconventional (alternative music?),

it fits in the 1Q84-ish mood perfectly.  

and the title tells me to continue reading.

'Arioso' by Bach~*

It's just so beautiful....

Bach is simply amazing.

The sound of cello is so rich and velvety,
it tastes like dark chocolate.

Injections, rejections~*

It hurts.
It hurts like crazy. 

The left side of my mouth.
I just had a mini op this morning to install mini screws into my upper and lower gums on my left side.
I can't speak, I can't smile, I can't open my mouth too widely...

Yes, I know it sounds terrible to actually "inject" screws into your GUMS.
Many of my friends were absolutely appalled and disgusted.

Anyway, Dr Ang was awesome in trying to calm my nerves (he totally understands how jittery I always get).
But well, now that the anesthesia has worn off, it's hellish.
It's the kind of pounding pain that comes and goes and is relatively well-timed.
One reason why it hurts so much is because one of the screws is installed at the spot right above the (still rather raw from the extraction) area where my wisdom tooth was.

So... yeah you get the idea.

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And it hurts.

Because I had another two rejections (I was too late).
All these are making me incredibly drained.
Disillusioned...
I do question myself over and over again...


The injections and rejections both hurt.
dry humour.


Went back to my 1Q84 and continued from where I left off months ago.
Then, it started storming outside.
The perfect ambience.


If I can,
if I really can,
I want to retreat, withdraw and protect myself from further hurt... 
But, I can't.
I can't just leave things as they are, without putting a truly good fight... 
at the very least, please allow me to brandish my sword. 
before you force me to swallow it back down. 

one very, very last try... albeit the toughest choice yet...






Things are never what 
They appear to be 
So I'll dig a little deeper
Than what the eye can see

I'm softer than a bride in white
But I'm tough enough to fight my own fight
Sometimes higher than a quivering kite
More lowly than a beggars plight

Like a fire in the night 
I'm burning up with all my might 
Don't wanna flicker out of sight 
Fade into the morning light 

Things are never what
They appear to be
Cause only time will tell when I'm ashes at your feet 

- 'Feather in the Wind' by Mindy Gledhill

updates~*

Just went for my wisdom tooth extraction this morning.
There goes 1/4 of my (however limited) wisdom.

Anyway, the anesthesia has worn off and the dull pain is giving me a headache.
Also, the metallic taste of blood seems to remain permanently in my mouth...

I should be used to it, considering the fact that I've gone through the extraction process many times already (got 4 teeth extracted for braces).
But still, I can never "get used to it" because for some reason, the idea of having a HOLE in my gums is rather repulsive...

Okay, it's quite disgusting to just conjure an image of it...

Anyway, to lighten things up a bit, I'm going to work at MFS next monday!
And it's just a stone's throw away from my old house.
AND, I'll be helping out with the toddler's class again.
So, it's changing diapers, bathing, cleaning, feeding, singing, dancing, lots of saliva and mucus...
haha, but also, I hope it'll be another fulfilling experience, just like a year ago.

Meanwhile, I really need to start thinking about the thesis issue...
The tea therapy session with Mabel kind of brought me back down to reality (after a few weeks of procrastination and withdrawal).
So yup, lots of things to think about!
to do or not to do...???



On a sidenote, I've been checking out the cat welfare society website pretty often nowadays. Cats and kittens fascinate me. I do believe I'm more of a cat person than a dog person... but still, I love both :)
Check this out! Cool psychology finding about personality differences between cat and dog owners :)

ghosts~*

walking on eggshells.

that sickening feeling of dread back to haunt me...

ghosts of the past..